selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

No... I'm not a dream.

[Teddy leans forward, enough to brush Billy's cheek with his free hand, first with the back of his fingers, then cupped against his palm.]

I'm real. I'm here. [He does, at least, let one side of his lips quirk up, forming something like a half smile.] I told you I wasn't going to leave you.

[Something about the expression doesn't seem quite right, and Billy studies Teddy's face for a bit, trying to sort it out. He can't, though- his mind is too muddled, too mixed up and full of thoughts he doesn't understand anymore. Finally, though, he gives Teddy's hand a little squeeze in return, though he doesn't have much strength.]

Yeah... you've been here the whole time.

[He might not remember much, but he'd heard Teddy's voice, felt his touch. He'd been right there all along.]

... You knew?

[If nothing else... If nothing else, it proves that everything he did had been for something. He told Billy he wouldn't leave him... and he didn't, and Billy knew he didn't.

It's enough.

And maybe it's enough for Billy, enough to understand past those blue eyes of his.]

[Billy considers that briefly, nods, then shakes his head. It's... difficult to explain when even he himself isn't really sure. He's forgotten what clarity actually feels like.]

I didn't then... but I do now. It was you. Who else would it have been?

Yeah... who else.

[That fake he had hanging around could certainly have been. Is that who Billy's thinking of now?

...

No. He's finally awake. Don't think like that.

A buried part of him wants to lean in and bump his forehead against Billy's. But everything he'd been thinking about, every conclusion he never reached, and the eyes that stare at him hold him back, making him stay where he is, even though he brushes Billy's cheekbone with his thumb.]

I read three whole stories. Were you there for them? I could read them again for you sometime.

[Billy shakes his head again, though to which part, he's not really sure. His eyes drift towards the ceiling again, as if noticing it for the first time. It's plain, a dusty white, empty. There's no paint, no colour, no stars.

He'd given Teddy the stars, hadn't he?]

...This isn't my room...

[Teddy looks up at the ceiling too, and he seems to understand what Billy's missing. The stars. Teddy misses them too, though knowing how they were created -

No, they were absolutely breathtaking then, a gesture of thoughtfulness and... and... love, knowing Teddy's disappointment with the stars that showed up at night in Luceti. And they'll be breathtaking when they get back, too.

Billy's so capable of great things.

...

Great and terrible.

He just... has to remember that.]

No... it's the clinic. [He looks down at Billy again, just studying his features, trying to make sense of this, of what's going on now of what he wants of what he needs if you could change anything about me what would you -]

You were hurt. Your shoulder, remember? ... This might be hard to believe, but you've been out for a week, B.

A week...

[Billy mouths the words silently a few times after speaking it aloud that first time, trying to let it sink in. A week? Out for a week? And his shoulder had been hurt, he'd been- he'd been shot, because-

...because he'd... done... some-

....

Oh.

Billy sits up abruptly, jerking his hand away from Teddy's to use it as momentum to push himself upright, a pained, strangled noise escaping his lips. He looks down at his hand, watches it tremble, catches sight of the IV and then, without thinking, twists his arm to try and rub it against the mattress, attempting to tear the needle free.]

A week, a week, a week, that's not right, that can't be right, a week...

Edited 2013-10-12 08:28 (UTC)

Billy!

[This - This was unexpected, completely, but Teddy still acts. He grabs Billy's arm with both of his hands, and with his strength returned, it's all too easy to keep it immobile, use just the right amount of strength to keep it still, yet not to hurt. Billy might be awake now, but he still needs those, still needs to rest for a little while longer.]

Billy, Billy, calm down... What's not right? What's wrong?

[Unwilling - or unable - to answer, Billy struggles against him, though the fact that his own strength had waned over time while Teddy's had returned to him means that he's basically immobile. Even his free arm isn't of any help, still trapped in a sling and too wounded to move properly. Finally he slumps, watching the IV drip-drip-drip beside the bed before turning frightened eyes on Teddy, his voice quiet, carrying a slightly eerie lilt.]

I've been gone for longer than that, Teddy...

[Teddy turns his eyes up to him, too, seeing the fear in those pale blue depths, hearing the calm and eerie voice voice say something he already knew.

And he doesn't look away because he already knew, and Billy knows, too, somewhere in there. He doesn't resist this time; with one hand still gripping Billy's arm, the other rests against his cheek again as he leans forward, enough to touch their foreheads together.]

I know.

[He shuts his eyes, tries to pretend that Billy can hear him.]

I know.

I miss you.

[Billy falls silent in response to that, trembling against Teddy like his whole body is wracked with a fever, helpless and uncontrolled. It isn't right. It isn't- none of this is right at all.]

...Why?

[It's a harsh whisper, critical and laced with a degree of self-loathing he'd never hit before, not in all the time Teddy's known him.

After I... after what I...

It isn't right.]

[If it weren't for the fact that Billy needed an answer, Teddy would've thought for a good while about what that one whisper meant.

But Billy did need an answer, and Teddy couldn't let that amount of self-loathing go past him unchecked. So he lets go of his arm to have both hands on his cheeks, forehead nuzzling slightly against Billy's before he pulls back, daring to look into those eyes again.]

I miss you because I love you, Billy Kaplan.

I love you, even though you made a mistake. You did. I know that. And I know that deep down, you're suffering from it.

I know that you'll do whatever it takes to fix it, too. When you can. I'll be here to help you up, too.

And... even if you don't hear a word I say, B, just know one thing: I love you. I love you so much.

[Billy takes all of that in, silently mulling it over, his gaze downcast as if to avoid Teddy's scrutiny. It's so humbling, those words, the idea that despite all of this, despite everything, Teddy still feels that way. Still loves him. Even without knowing whether or not he is him anymore.

He wishes he could figure out what reality was supposed to be like. He used to know, it used to be so clear, but now... everything just seems to blur.

Teddy, though...

Teddy sounds so sure. And it takes a while, because he's so not, not at all, but he wants this. He wants to find himself again, for Teddy's sake.]

...I hear you.

[His voice is quiet, almost inaudible. A voice so low that only Teddy could hear it, and Billy knows it, at least subconsciously. It's meant for him.]

I don't... know what's gonna happen. I don't know what to do, or what to say, or...

[He trails off, the words escaping him, and his eyes dart around like he's looking for them, like he's actually watching them run away from him, leaving a trail of ellipses and thoughts he can't make sense of anymore. They were there, and then... not.

Like that reality. Not so perfect, it seemed. Not at all.]

...but I hear you... I do. I hear everything.

[He looks down again, but when he blinks, his eyes are half-brown, like whatever's sent him adrift in his own mind doesn't want him or Teddy to drown entirely.]

[Teddy lowers his own head, too, to see the transition from blue to that half-brown color. It gives him a bit of hope, just a burning little ember against the wick of a candle. He wants to believe that Billy will find himself enough now to pull himself back completely and show him those fully brown eyes again, and because of that want, he can feel that hope grow. And it hurts, because he just has this feeling that it won't last long.

He tries to push it to something else instead; Billy's words, rather than his eyes. He's still unsure of everything, and it sounds like he's... stuck between realities, or something. What's real and what isn't. And Teddy - Teddy's stuck in one, and he can't follow Billy to wherever he is. Just call and call and hope he makes it back to him someday.

But he can call. Billy hears him, everything he says... even if it doesn't quite reach him. He hears it.

He keeps his eyes on Billy's for as long as the brown remains, wishing so hard that they'd stay, but knowing they won't. He simply holds on for as long as he can, until Billy inevitably slips away again.]

Then... hear me when I say this, Billy.

I'll wait until you do know. Until you know what to do and what to say, I'll wait.

[Do you understand?

I'll wait as long as it takes for you.]

[A part of Billy doesn't want to hear those words; he hears them, it understands them, and it hurts, it hurts so much. He wants Teddy to get angry, to blame him, to accuse him of- the things he did. He can't remember them all very well right now, but he knows that he undeniably did them. Terrible things. And to Teddy, he'd...

It hurts. And he knows Teddy has every right to hate him right now.

He can't ask for it, though - would never - and Teddy seems less inclined to do it on his own, so after a long-suffering moment Billy just slumps, leaning forward until his forehead bumps against Teddy's chest, letting himself begin to tremble again. Tears fill his eyes, and he doesn't fight it, just lets it all go.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Teddy... I'm so sorry...

[While this means Teddy can't see Billy's eyes, he still wraps his arms around his torso, avoiding the shoulders due to his injury, and presses his nose to Billy's hair. As much as he wants to say that it's okay, it isn't, both he and Billy know that. To say so would just be to fill an empty void, a lie so obvious that neither of them would believe it.]

I'm sorry, too... I'm sorry...

[For not being there. For not stopping him sooner. For not being his... For not being everything that he wanted.

I could change a thousand things about myself if it meant making you happy...

But he can't say that. He's sure Billy is still lost, and he knows he wouldn't get a good answer if he did.

So he just holds him, stroking his back gently.]

[It takes Billy a few moments to actually comprehend the words, still buried in his own self-pity. When it clicks, he stirs, wiping his eyes against Teddy's shirt and lifting up. His eyes are still a bit brown, at least, and he looks confused more than anything.]

Why... are you sorry...?

... I'm sorry I wasn't here for you.

[Better than the alternative. Better to present this than something that could make or destroy him. And... Billy needs to know, too. What happened. He doesn't know what Billy thought happened to him... but he needs to hear it.]

They locked me in a cell for a week and let my healing take care of my wings. I didn't... know what they'd done to you after... after I woke up, and no one ever came by to do or say anything. I could barely even more for a while... I'm sorry...

[Billy goes deathly still and stiff in Teddy's grasp, horror rising swiftly in his expression. This is the first he'd heard of it. And- of course that's the case, this is the first he'd spoken to Teddy since they'd fought. But to hear that- to know that Teddy had been- and everything he did was- oh god, no, no, no-

He ducks his head, shoulders shaking, and it almost seems like he's crying again when the sound of muffled, unstable laughter can be heard.]

God... oh my god... so it was all for nothing...?

[... Teddy's never heard Billy laugh like that before, ever. It makes him stare at the wall, deep concern showing in his features when he pulls back, holds Billy's shoulders and tries to look at his eyes again.]

Billy, I don't understand.

[Billy shakes his head, not responding properly at first; he doesn't have the words to express what he's feeling right now. The laughter mercifully doesn't last long, and when he finally speaks up, he is crying, long, steady tracks dripping from his cheeks.]

I thought... you were dead... they cut your wings and there was so much blood, I just...

[Now it's Teddy's turn to go still, horrified by that particular revelation. Billy thought he was dead? All that time, he thought Teddy had died back there?

He looks down at the sheets, hands sliding down to Billy's elbows, his hold gentle as always with the injured arm. It's... understandable, Teddy had thought for sure that he was going to die when he realized what they were going to do, briefly thought he did die when he woke up in the cell. But Billy went back to the village thinking that way...

God. He remembers Billy dying for a few minutes, enough for Teddy to nearly break down the restraints, needing to be tranquilized again. Billy...

Teddy leans forward, just short of climbing onto the bed with his boyfriend. He wishes he could, but he still isn't sure if he even should.]

No... God, no, I wasn't dead! They didn't... [He takes in a deep breath; it's hard to talk about, even two weeks after it happened. Teddy just wants to clam up and not talk about it, let it bury itself into his mind and never be shared again. But...]

They didn't cut all the way. [His voice sounds a little shaky now.] It was at the base, but not past it. And they stopped the bleeding after you... left. After that, they just... left me alone. They only left one meal, and I couldn't even get to it for a while - it was like my entire body was numb for hours...

[He didn't even know how much time had passed. It was so dark in there, and there was no way to tell if it was day or night or if minutes or hours passed...]

[Billy ducks his head down even further than before, eyes clenching shut, one hand lifting to press against his forehead, grimacing like he's in pain or disoriented. He wants to help Teddy, wants to fix it all, make the problems vanish, make Teddy forget the horrible things he'd been through- just like-

....

But... he hadn't fixed anything. Not then, and not now, either. He can't just wave his hands and make these memories go away. Even if he wants it... what he wants has proven to be terrible and dangerous.]

I thought... I-I thought I could bring you back... I thought I could make everything right again... make a world where no one could hurt you again, I...

[But instead he'd created a construct of magic and memory, little more than an incomplete and empty shade. And all the while, Teddy had been alive and suffering.

His chest hurts, and his voice sounds strangled, nails digging unforgivingly into his scalp.]

I did that instead of trying to save you...

[Those nails won't dig for long, because Teddy lift his hand away easily, fingers moving to lace them through the spaces between Billy's, if only to keep his fingers to himself, or confined to Teddy's. This time, he does slide onto the bed, one arm sliding around Billy's waist while he brushes his lips against the spot where Billy was scraping. After some hesitation, that brush turns into a gentle kiss instead.]

It's like I told you earlier... you made a mistake. I know that, and you do, too. We all do crazy things when we think the... person we love is dead.

[How could Billy save him when he thought he was dead?]

I'm so sorry they did that to you... to us. But right now? All we can do is figure out what's next. Even if we don't know right now... I'll wait until we do.

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[Action, October 15th] fucking italics

[Action, October 15th] they're charming

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