selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Billy tenses again, suddenly uncertain; they're so close now, and he thought he'd be happy, but with Teddy shifting, and with the floor looming close, and the prospect of being at home with Teddy and the animals and what if the brave front drops and what if he can finally show how he feels and what if we can't do this anymore and then there's the shame, dark and constricting, because why wouldn't he want Teddy to be honest with him? Whatever ends up happening it's because he deserves it, after all. It's only fair, only right.

You tried to kill him. Nothing he could say or do can come close to balancing the scales of that.

Teddy's smiling, and between the build and the hair it's just- it's not right, all of it feels so wrong, and his hand starts to slip in Teddy's grasp as he hesitates. What if... what if he...?]

[Teddy slows down until he comes to a halt in the middle of the stairs. He tightens his grip, not wanting to let go of Billy's hand, but...

No, no, he can't give up now. He's so close, they're so close, the apartment is just right there, just a few more steps... If they can make it this far, then it'd be such a huge step they took. Anything but going back to that jail cell of a clinic room...]

... Billy?

[Billy remains frozen for a long moment, then takes a hesitant half-step back, his eyes darting over Teddy's body from top to bottom, searching, lingering here and there. Trying to find what is and isn't right.]

Are you Teddy?

[It's barely a whisper, frightened and uneasy, and his fingers twitch in Teddy's grasp.]

Is it still you?

[... Shit. Shit shit shit, he did too much, went too far, wasn't subtle enough, look what you're doing to him!

Teddy turns on the stair he's on, hair shifting back to normal and muscle tone decreasing to how he normally look, eyes wide and looking almost afraid as he takes Billy's hand in both of his own. Is - Is he doubting who he is? Does he think -

... Does he want the fake? Does he think of that as the real one?

No, focus.]

Yeah, it... it's me. [He squeezes Billy's hand, giving his hands something to do other than gesture and hold his own arms or something.] It's Teddy.

[But not the one you're looking for.

Shut up.]

Why, is... something wrong?

Edited 2013-10-23 04:17 (UTC)

["Is something wrong", he asks. Billy feels like screaming. What isn't wrong? This panic he's feeling over going back to their place, the fact that Teddy's inexplicably changing, the incredible mess his magic has caused for everyone he loves and cares about, scars around necks (physical or - in Teddy's case - memetic). Lifeless hospital rooms and watching the world through a dusty window, burrowing in soft red hoodies to hide from the world instead of just cold.

Teddy, looking at him like that, telling him who he is, asking if something is wrong.

A muffled, broken sound escapes his lips, a cry or a whimper or something not altogether human, and he wriggles his hand free of Teddy's to reach both of them up to Teddy's face instead. He touches the hair, searching for the unfamiliar dark strands. When he finds none he lets his hands drop to Teddy's shoulders instead, feeling his muscles, following the contours down each arm. Familiar. It's familiar, skin and bone and muscle and structure that he's felt a hundred times before. Better. So much better.

You drove him to this. Whatever he's doing, it's your fault.

Shuddering, because of that lingering fear and because of relief, now, he stops his examination when he reaches Teddy's hands again, fingers curling hesitantly around his thumbs, like he's not sure if he has permission again- like his doubts broke the chance he'd been given. He bows his head, ashamed, hovering just an inch away from Teddy's chest.]

...Sorry... I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm so...

Edited 2013-10-23 04:45 (UTC)

[Teddy doesn't hesitate - He leans forward just slightly, enough to let Billy's forehead bump against his chest, and he rests his chin on top of his head. Unseen to Billy, however, is how Teddy glances at the wall, uncertainties and doubts attacking him again.

He isn't sure if it's because of the possession, the way he himself isn't sure of the way he reads things anymore, or both. He doesn't know what to make of what Billy just did; a part of him read relief, the other loss, and he doesn't know which to follow anymore, what to trust anymore. Doubt and sureness are split two ways, and they're separating to the point were he can't hold on to the edges anymore.

But he refuses to allow Billy to see it. They're so close to the apartment, and he doesn't want to scare him off because of his own stupid uncertainty. What Billy's going through right now - he needs to take care of that first. He'll do something about himself later, when things are stable enough to be able to take a little break.

So right now, he remains at a loss for himself. But he brings his eyes ahead again, and he lowers his nose to brush against Billy's hair.]

If you want to keep doing that, let's get off the staircase. It's not far now.

[Billy stirs at the light nudge against his head, slowly regaining the courage to look up thanks to Teddy's touch. If he hadn't gotten that, then- what would he have-

No. He won't think about that. He has Teddy's support, his touch. He's okay. He'll be okay. He'll probably be okay.

....

It's not far. He'll focus on that for now.]

Okay... okay. Let's go...

[He just... needs some urging to get moving again.]

[If it's urging that Billy needs, he'll get it. Teddy moves their hands so that he can hold them again, and he gives Billy a little smile as he steps backwards, head turned to see where he's going.

Once they're on the fifth floor... Just a few more steps now. A bit down the hall, and they'll be there. As he walks, Teddy decides to talk, to give Billy something to think about other than what he's afraid of.]

Someday, we should sit down and rewatch Game of Thrones together. You've still got it on your laptop, right?

[Billy follows him without further encouragement required, step by step, slow but steady. He hesitates again when he foot touches the tile of their floor, but Teddy speaks up at the perfect time to distract him from his own miserable and paranoid thoughts. Game of Thrones, huh. That's always a good distraction.]

I think so... unless someone deleted it.

[And he honestly can't think of anyone who would. Not even Tommy as a prank, because he likes Game of Thrones, even if he pretends he doesn't.]

I don't know who would. Or who'd even touch our laptops. [Because that's pretty much a crime right there, especially for someone who doesn't like his possessions touched.

But at this point, they're close to their door. And from within, Teddy can hear whining and scratching on the door, and he immediately knows who it is.]

Hey, is that...

[Billy's gaze shifts to the door, and... there it is again, that wave of guilt, this time with a very different target in mind. They'd been gone two weeks now, and the week prior he'd been a horrible owner/parent, neglecting the animals or just simply ignoring them, leaving them to the doppleganger to care for, and they hadn't liked it at all. And really, how could he expect them to? It wasn't real. It wasn't Teddy. No amount of wishes or magic could ever have fixed that. They'd even sensed that something wasn't right about him, his mind or the magic he'd been exuding non-stop the entire time, but he'd been too preoccupied to care.

And now the prospect of facing them again, with that guilt in mind, is just as terrifying as leaving the clinic. The fact that they're animals, forgiving creatures by nature, doesn't help. If anything it makes it worse.

Suddenly fretful, rather than dwelling on it, he opts to try and focus on what little positivity he can garner from this- he tugs his hand free of Teddy's and gives him a little nudge, leaning against the wall instead to keep him from bolting outright. At least they can be happy to see Teddy, and Teddy deserves a reunion that isn't tainted by his mistakes. He tries, god he tries, to smile for him.]

Yeah... go ahead. They've missed you...

Hey... I'm sure they missed you too.

[But he doesn't force Billy to be a part of the reunion; he'll let the pets do it for him, if they're not turned off by the possession Billy still has. Teddy has missed them terribly though, and felt pretty awful for leaving them there in favor of being with Billy. He could've easily brought them to the clinic, let them be there for all of their sakes...

It's passed now, and that's not something he should be thinking about. They're here, and Teddy's already got a smile on his face when he unlocks the door and pushes it open, and he only barely gets it open when a large golden retriever wriggles through the space and is on him in an instant, weaving in and out of his legs and leaping up on him and kissing whatever part he can reach, whines and cries coming out in a constant stream.

The fake had no real smell. It wasn't Teddy, and that made Optimus Prime not want to be near it. Both he and Misty were wary of it and mostly struck out on their own, relying on neighbors who weren't affected or their own resources. For the past two weeks, Kate had taken care of them, something they were relieved to find. Kate was like an aunt, after all.

But now, Teddy's back, the real, human Teddy with a smell completely unlike Billy's, and Optimus can't seem to get off of him. He's so happy, and it makes Teddy kneel down as much as he can and wrap his arms around him, Optimus squirming in his grip to get a good go at his face.]

Ha ha, hey boy! Oh man, I've missed you too - H-Hey! [That is a really squirmy dog, man.

But at one point, he squirms so much that Optimus bails from Teddy's hold, and he actually leaps up on Billy's legs, too. He smells relatively normal, too, with a bit of the weird magic left over, but the normalness is enough to be just as happy that his papa is back, too. He goes back to Teddy soon enough, maybe with the thought that Misty, lingering in the doorway because that is a hyperactive big dog and she is a little cat who'd get trampled if she got in the way, might join in.]

[As soon as Optimus trots over to him and slams into his legs, Billy just about falls over, and it really is a good thing that he’d pressed up against the wall beforehand, so all he has to do is brace himself to avoid it. The dog bounces around, sniffing, jumping, tail wagging a mile a minute, and after a lengthy hesitation, Billy finally caves and slides down the wall to let Optimus greet him properly. Immediately he gets a face full of dog tongue, and he doesn’t even fight it, whether he likes getting licked or not - he just lets the dog go to town as much as he wants. Tentatively he lifts his hand to brush through Optimus’s fur, a slow tremble passing through his body. He’s not mad. He’s not even upset. He’s happy, loving, eager, welcoming. It’s nothing like Billy expected.

It’s… breathtaking. Can he just spend the rest of his life with Teddy and a bunch of animals and not deal with people ever again?

Things are a bit different when Optimus gets his fill of kisses and bounds back to Teddy, giving Billy a chance to straighten up and look towards Misty. The little cat is, apparently, much less forgiving, blinking balefully at her master before turning tail and sauntering back into the apartment. It’s fitting, Billy thinks, a bitter smile crossing his lips; animals are an awful lot like their owners, and he hasn’t forgiven himself, either. And cats have much longer memories than dogs when it comes to transgressions.

Well… one out of two isn’t bad, overall. It just sucks that the one he’d wanted the most to forgive him isn’t ready yet.

He glances over at Teddy and Optimus, at how happy and relieved they both seem. ...He wants that. He wants their family to return to normal. So, after another hesitant pause, he pushes off the wall and heads into the apartment after Misty. He won’t get anywhere if he doesn’t try.]

[It feels wonderful, all of this. Being loved unconditionally by a living being, being greeted with warmth and love, all the things that Teddy missed for weeks now. This is the most he's smiled in a while, and it feels so good to do so. And he'd seen how Optimus reacted to Billy, not with judgement or fear but with happiness and joy. He gets extra cuddles for that, if Teddy can get his arms around him enough without the dog squirming out of them.

It takes a few minutes for Optimus to slow down even a little, and by then Teddy's already noticed that Billy went inside. By himself, without Teddy there to guide him, just went inside with a purpose in mind: getting Misty to be on her way to forgiving him. As much as he loves the elation Optimus is sharing, he still stands, mindful of the dog (whom he swears is still a puppy) that keeps charging around and between his legs, and walks into the apartment, intent on finding Billy and Mitsy.]

Come on, boy, let's find your sister and papa.

[By the time Teddy finds his way inside, Billy and Misty have settled in, though one couldn't say that they'd done so happily; Misty's beelined for the couch and is curled up on the cushion - the one that's generally designated as Billy's and therefore hers - and is staring at Billy, who's sitting cross-legged on the floor, arms crossed and resting on the cushion's edge to act as a pillow for his chin as he speaks quietly to her. They're close enough to touch, but Billy hasn't made a move yet.

He doesn't look up as Teddy enters the apartment, trapped in a stare-down with a pet who's as stubborn as he usually is.]

[Teddy doesn't make a move to disrupt this, either. Once he sees what's going on, Teddy kneels down to eye-level with Optimus, holding his collar to keep his lunging kisses away while gives a quiet, "Shh, shh shh...". To keep him from running straight to the pair, Teddy wraps his arms around Optimus again and sits fully on the floor, using a little more strength so that the dog can't get out of his grasp. OP doesn't seem to mind, though, as he's content to wriggle happily in his grip and place wet kisses all over his face.

Teddy himself indulges him, but he's got his eyes on Billy and Misty. Let's see how this goes.]

[Billy doesn't notice Teddy and Optimus in the background, still gently trying to coax Misty into accepting him home again. It takes a while, much longer than he'd like but not as long as he expected, but eventually his quiet encouragements and apologies are enough to get her to lean her head forward to sniff at his offered hand, then give him a very light nuzzle. He takes that as an open invitation to give her chin a scratch, then the side of her head, and finally behind the ears. It's familiar, soothing, and probably the most relaxing experience he's had since he woke up, particularly when she starts purring.

He feels tears form in his eyes, and he tries to blink them back with little success. But for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, they're out of joy rather than grief. Or, at least, not entirely grief.]

[By that time, Opty's pretty much relaxing in Teddy's arms, though his tail still wags with enough force to shake his whole body. Teddy likes to think he was happy to see what just happened, just like he himself is. He smiles, enough for dimples to show, although his cheeks smooth only a second or two after. Still, it's... amazing to see, something like that. Billy had been so afraid, and thinking that the kids wouldn't accept or forgive him. Yet here they are, and it's like they're all a family.

It's close. And Teddy knows not to cling to it. He can't help that little budding hope in his chest, but this is... how many times has this happened, with Teddy thinking Billy was inching closer to normalcy, only to return to being his distant, vaguely creepy self?

He hates the shatter in his chest when that happens.

Still, he counts this moment as a victory. For all of them.]

Hey. I think she likes you.

[Teddy's words snap Billy out of his bliss, and his gaze shifts to look at his boyfriend and the dog in his arms. He's smiling so calmly, honestly, like he really is happy to have them all back together again. And Optimus is wagging his tail, and Misty's purring...

She shouldn't. No one should like you. You don't deserve any of this.

Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he never will again.

But he has it anyway, and... isn't that reason enough to be happy?]

...I think... she just likes having her neck scratched...

Yeah. By you.

[Finally, Teddy lets go of the dog to scoot closer, and Optimus seems to know enough about the situation to not barrel right into the couch with the two of them, instead approaching slowly. And when Teddy's close enough to Billy's back...

He does hesitate for a moment, wondering if it's okay. There's a little twinge in his heart thanks to that, but he still decides to follow through. He leans in to wrap an arm around his shoulders, chin resting on one while his hand cups the other. Optimus decides to press up against his arm, which is just fine. In fact, he kind of likes it, being surrounded like this.]

... Thanks. Today was good. [He glances at Billy out of the corner of his eye.] You made it good.

[The gesture manages to surprise Billy again- that hesitation made him wonder if Teddy would follow through, so when he did, and when he said that...

God, Billy just feels like crying harder. There's still tears trickling down his cheeks, but he smiles as he uses his free hand - more the sleeve, really - to wipe them away, then uses that same hand to brush over Teddy's right cheek, gently stroking. He leans back, bumping against the blond, and then, tentatively, he presses his lips to Teddy's opposite cheek, right by the corner of his mouth, feather-light and quick like he's afraid of a rejection if he lingers. It's such a risk in his mind, and that... it feels so wrong, to think about it, to feel like he has to think about it first.

But it was a good day. It was, just like Teddy had said. Even if he spent half of it staring blankly out the window, even if he's barely said a word to Teddy since leaving the clinic, even if the guilt feels like it still might crush him at any moment.

A good day.]

You... made it better.

[That action causes Teddy to stare ahead, at Misty, and he tries to hide his surprise as best as he can. Did Billy just... kiss him? During these past few weeks, Billy'd leaned on him, held him occasionally, but never... that. And never near his lips; that was an area Teddy felt like he should avoid, knowing how intimate it is, knowing how much his doubt is clouding over him.

He's not even sure what it means, and he's trying desperately not to let the hope building up grow too much. And it feels so wrong, thinking so heavily on a kiss from Billy, trying to push down whatever positive feelings he might have... He lifts his head up a little to look at Billy easier, hoping he can search his face and let it tell him everything, it used to be so easy...

But it's so hard now, because everything he thinks conflicts with each other. Instead, he lets them go by shutting his eyes, leaning in and pressing his lips against that same spot, the corner of Billy's mouth, light and brief, as if he too's afraid of rejection.

It's a start, a good start. A good day.]

[The moment between is one of the most terrifying that Billy's ever lived through, at the very least in this place. Was Teddy okay with it? Was he mad? Was he resigned and tolerating it, like he tolerated practically everything Billy threw at him these days? Was he just wondering how to tell Billy off for being so presumptuous? Was he-

-he-

He kissed...

Billy sits, frozen in place, for a long moment after the kiss is returned. His hand shifts hesitantly to touch the spot where he'd felt Teddy's lips, his hand shaking. A kiss shouldn't make him feel like this. A kiss shouldn't fill him with surprise and trepidation. A kiss shouldn't make him cry again.

But... he'd rather feel all of that than feel nothing. So he shudders, eyes clenching, and shifts just enough to bury his face against Teddy's neck, his hand gripping the blond's shoulder, his voice shaky and muffled.]

Was that... okay? Was it okay? You don't mind...?

[Why are you asking me? I should be asking those questions.

Was that okay?

Is it okay if it's me? Not him?

What do you want?

They're all questions Teddy doesn't ask, even though he desperately wants to. The act of doing so, and the way Billy's reacting to all of this, and just how much fear and uncertainty and yet - and yet something like relief blanketing over them, and other emotions - it all makes him shudder as well and lower his head, touching his forehead to Billy's shoulder, and grip his hand with his own free one.

He feels like he doesn't understand anything anymore. He's supposed to be the one who holds people up when they need it, the one people go to when they need help, the pillar, the support. Not this fragile person who questions every single act, feeling all the worse for it, who's unsure of himself and everyone around him.

And Billy's the one asking if he doesn't mind?]

It's... it's okay. Of course it is... it's always okay. [Billy should never have to feel afraid of him. Love, affection, especially from the one Teddy loves most; it's all been missed terribly. But to ask for it while Billy's like this, when Teddy isn't sure if Billy even wants to give it...]

Do... Do you? [Do you mind? And he finds fear building up again; was that too much? Did he just screw it all up? Will Billy push him away and gently let him down, say that it's better this way? Or withdraw again?]

[At first, Billy just shakes his head, unable to trust his voice just yet. Of course he doesn't mind. He craves it, more than anything else. Not just for the physical part of it - that's pretty much at the bottom of his list of needs and wants - but the normalcy, the comfort of their relationship, without all the fear and second-guessing. Without the guilt and the pain of recent memory. He wants to hug and kiss and love without conflict.

He wants more, so much more for Teddy than what they have right now.

You should be glad you've got this much.

But compared to what they had before, it's less than table scraps. It's crumbs on the floor. It's almost nothing.

But it's not nothing.

Right now, this is everything.

And this is more than you deserve.]

I don't... I don't. I want whatever you want, Teddy...

[Whatever you give me, after what I did. I'll take it, and I'll be happy.]

Whatever you want, I'll give it to you...

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