selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[It feels wonderful, all of this. Being loved unconditionally by a living being, being greeted with warmth and love, all the things that Teddy missed for weeks now. This is the most he's smiled in a while, and it feels so good to do so. And he'd seen how Optimus reacted to Billy, not with judgement or fear but with happiness and joy. He gets extra cuddles for that, if Teddy can get his arms around him enough without the dog squirming out of them.

It takes a few minutes for Optimus to slow down even a little, and by then Teddy's already noticed that Billy went inside. By himself, without Teddy there to guide him, just went inside with a purpose in mind: getting Misty to be on her way to forgiving him. As much as he loves the elation Optimus is sharing, he still stands, mindful of the dog (whom he swears is still a puppy) that keeps charging around and between his legs, and walks into the apartment, intent on finding Billy and Mitsy.]

Come on, boy, let's find your sister and papa.

[By the time Teddy finds his way inside, Billy and Misty have settled in, though one couldn't say that they'd done so happily; Misty's beelined for the couch and is curled up on the cushion - the one that's generally designated as Billy's and therefore hers - and is staring at Billy, who's sitting cross-legged on the floor, arms crossed and resting on the cushion's edge to act as a pillow for his chin as he speaks quietly to her. They're close enough to touch, but Billy hasn't made a move yet.

He doesn't look up as Teddy enters the apartment, trapped in a stare-down with a pet who's as stubborn as he usually is.]

[Teddy doesn't make a move to disrupt this, either. Once he sees what's going on, Teddy kneels down to eye-level with Optimus, holding his collar to keep his lunging kisses away while gives a quiet, "Shh, shh shh...". To keep him from running straight to the pair, Teddy wraps his arms around Optimus again and sits fully on the floor, using a little more strength so that the dog can't get out of his grasp. OP doesn't seem to mind, though, as he's content to wriggle happily in his grip and place wet kisses all over his face.

Teddy himself indulges him, but he's got his eyes on Billy and Misty. Let's see how this goes.]

[Billy doesn't notice Teddy and Optimus in the background, still gently trying to coax Misty into accepting him home again. It takes a while, much longer than he'd like but not as long as he expected, but eventually his quiet encouragements and apologies are enough to get her to lean her head forward to sniff at his offered hand, then give him a very light nuzzle. He takes that as an open invitation to give her chin a scratch, then the side of her head, and finally behind the ears. It's familiar, soothing, and probably the most relaxing experience he's had since he woke up, particularly when she starts purring.

He feels tears form in his eyes, and he tries to blink them back with little success. But for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, they're out of joy rather than grief. Or, at least, not entirely grief.]

[By that time, Opty's pretty much relaxing in Teddy's arms, though his tail still wags with enough force to shake his whole body. Teddy likes to think he was happy to see what just happened, just like he himself is. He smiles, enough for dimples to show, although his cheeks smooth only a second or two after. Still, it's... amazing to see, something like that. Billy had been so afraid, and thinking that the kids wouldn't accept or forgive him. Yet here they are, and it's like they're all a family.

It's close. And Teddy knows not to cling to it. He can't help that little budding hope in his chest, but this is... how many times has this happened, with Teddy thinking Billy was inching closer to normalcy, only to return to being his distant, vaguely creepy self?

He hates the shatter in his chest when that happens.

Still, he counts this moment as a victory. For all of them.]

Hey. I think she likes you.

[Teddy's words snap Billy out of his bliss, and his gaze shifts to look at his boyfriend and the dog in his arms. He's smiling so calmly, honestly, like he really is happy to have them all back together again. And Optimus is wagging his tail, and Misty's purring...

She shouldn't. No one should like you. You don't deserve any of this.

Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he never will again.

But he has it anyway, and... isn't that reason enough to be happy?]

...I think... she just likes having her neck scratched...

Yeah. By you.

[Finally, Teddy lets go of the dog to scoot closer, and Optimus seems to know enough about the situation to not barrel right into the couch with the two of them, instead approaching slowly. And when Teddy's close enough to Billy's back...

He does hesitate for a moment, wondering if it's okay. There's a little twinge in his heart thanks to that, but he still decides to follow through. He leans in to wrap an arm around his shoulders, chin resting on one while his hand cups the other. Optimus decides to press up against his arm, which is just fine. In fact, he kind of likes it, being surrounded like this.]

... Thanks. Today was good. [He glances at Billy out of the corner of his eye.] You made it good.

[The gesture manages to surprise Billy again- that hesitation made him wonder if Teddy would follow through, so when he did, and when he said that...

God, Billy just feels like crying harder. There's still tears trickling down his cheeks, but he smiles as he uses his free hand - more the sleeve, really - to wipe them away, then uses that same hand to brush over Teddy's right cheek, gently stroking. He leans back, bumping against the blond, and then, tentatively, he presses his lips to Teddy's opposite cheek, right by the corner of his mouth, feather-light and quick like he's afraid of a rejection if he lingers. It's such a risk in his mind, and that... it feels so wrong, to think about it, to feel like he has to think about it first.

But it was a good day. It was, just like Teddy had said. Even if he spent half of it staring blankly out the window, even if he's barely said a word to Teddy since leaving the clinic, even if the guilt feels like it still might crush him at any moment.

A good day.]

You... made it better.

[That action causes Teddy to stare ahead, at Misty, and he tries to hide his surprise as best as he can. Did Billy just... kiss him? During these past few weeks, Billy'd leaned on him, held him occasionally, but never... that. And never near his lips; that was an area Teddy felt like he should avoid, knowing how intimate it is, knowing how much his doubt is clouding over him.

He's not even sure what it means, and he's trying desperately not to let the hope building up grow too much. And it feels so wrong, thinking so heavily on a kiss from Billy, trying to push down whatever positive feelings he might have... He lifts his head up a little to look at Billy easier, hoping he can search his face and let it tell him everything, it used to be so easy...

But it's so hard now, because everything he thinks conflicts with each other. Instead, he lets them go by shutting his eyes, leaning in and pressing his lips against that same spot, the corner of Billy's mouth, light and brief, as if he too's afraid of rejection.

It's a start, a good start. A good day.]

[The moment between is one of the most terrifying that Billy's ever lived through, at the very least in this place. Was Teddy okay with it? Was he mad? Was he resigned and tolerating it, like he tolerated practically everything Billy threw at him these days? Was he just wondering how to tell Billy off for being so presumptuous? Was he-

-he-

He kissed...

Billy sits, frozen in place, for a long moment after the kiss is returned. His hand shifts hesitantly to touch the spot where he'd felt Teddy's lips, his hand shaking. A kiss shouldn't make him feel like this. A kiss shouldn't fill him with surprise and trepidation. A kiss shouldn't make him cry again.

But... he'd rather feel all of that than feel nothing. So he shudders, eyes clenching, and shifts just enough to bury his face against Teddy's neck, his hand gripping the blond's shoulder, his voice shaky and muffled.]

Was that... okay? Was it okay? You don't mind...?

[Why are you asking me? I should be asking those questions.

Was that okay?

Is it okay if it's me? Not him?

What do you want?

They're all questions Teddy doesn't ask, even though he desperately wants to. The act of doing so, and the way Billy's reacting to all of this, and just how much fear and uncertainty and yet - and yet something like relief blanketing over them, and other emotions - it all makes him shudder as well and lower his head, touching his forehead to Billy's shoulder, and grip his hand with his own free one.

He feels like he doesn't understand anything anymore. He's supposed to be the one who holds people up when they need it, the one people go to when they need help, the pillar, the support. Not this fragile person who questions every single act, feeling all the worse for it, who's unsure of himself and everyone around him.

And Billy's the one asking if he doesn't mind?]

It's... it's okay. Of course it is... it's always okay. [Billy should never have to feel afraid of him. Love, affection, especially from the one Teddy loves most; it's all been missed terribly. But to ask for it while Billy's like this, when Teddy isn't sure if Billy even wants to give it...]

Do... Do you? [Do you mind? And he finds fear building up again; was that too much? Did he just screw it all up? Will Billy push him away and gently let him down, say that it's better this way? Or withdraw again?]

[At first, Billy just shakes his head, unable to trust his voice just yet. Of course he doesn't mind. He craves it, more than anything else. Not just for the physical part of it - that's pretty much at the bottom of his list of needs and wants - but the normalcy, the comfort of their relationship, without all the fear and second-guessing. Without the guilt and the pain of recent memory. He wants to hug and kiss and love without conflict.

He wants more, so much more for Teddy than what they have right now.

You should be glad you've got this much.

But compared to what they had before, it's less than table scraps. It's crumbs on the floor. It's almost nothing.

But it's not nothing.

Right now, this is everything.

And this is more than you deserve.]

I don't... I don't. I want whatever you want, Teddy...

[Whatever you give me, after what I did. I'll take it, and I'll be happy.]

Whatever you want, I'll give it to you...

[Something about the way Billy says that doesn't feel right to Teddy. Maybe it's how he knows that what Billy wants isn't necessarily what Teddy wants. Maybe it's his doubts. Maybe it's the fact that... it feels like an offer. Like when Billy was granting everyone's most sought after wishes and desires.

There aren't a lot of things Teddy wants, and most of what he does are impossible to give. His hand slides from Billy's shoulder to the back of his neck, thumb smoothing against the edge of Billy's hair.]

I'm not asking for anything.

[I want answers, I want to feel like I know at least some things again, I want to feel like you love me again, all of me, even the parts I hate about myself -]

I just... want you to be safe. I want you beside me. I want you to not drift away from me... you keep going to a place I can't follow, and I want to bring you back.

[He presses his forehead a little harder against his shoulder.]

I want you to stay with me...

[It's... not the exact answer he'd expected, but he doesn't hate it. Especially since that, at least, is what he wants, too. He wants to be himself, he wants to be with Teddy, and he wants this whole problem to just... go away. And while he knows it won't just because he wishes for it - life is never that easy or simple, even for a reality bender, apparently - it doesn't stop him from wanting it more than anything. To give Teddy what he wants, to make him happy. To keep him close.]

I... I'll try. I can't promise anything else, I can't... [He shudders, gripping the crook of Teddy's neck and shoulder, trying to burrow as close as he can get.] ...But I can promise you... that I'll try.

... That's all I ask.

[Teddy stays where he is, burrowed against Billy's shoulder with their pets at their sides, keeping at least this promise to heart. He knows this power is something he can't just reach in and yank out, that Billy can't just wish it away. But they have to fight this in their own way... try as hard as they can.

It's really all he can ask for. All he wants.]

[For days, he tried. He really did. He drifted a lot, that was undeniable, spent a lot of time in his own window rather than the clinic's, staring at nothing. He and his new hoodie were more or less inseparable outside of bathing or sleeping (and hopefully a bit of laundry), but he at least had the sense to wear something underneath so it didn't end up completely rank. It was a security blanket, a center of stability almost as much as Teddy was. It kept him cemented when Teddy was out of the apartment or busy or just- couldn't stand to be around him.

That happened sometimes too, he knows. And he couldn't blame him; he knows he's horrible company, he understands that well, even if he lacks the capacity to fix it. He's trying. But trying often isn't enough, and it feels like he's fighting a losing battle, sometimes.

There has to be a way to make it up to him. Something you can do.

If you can't fix yourself, can't you fix the world for him...?

But sometimes, he was okay. Sometimes he smiled and touched and breathed normalcy, dug out his own equilibrium and found Teddy there waiting for him, just like always. Those were the good times, those were the days where Teddy smiled back and held his hand and he felt a little more alive than before.

And then he'd say something wrong, or think about the week before and withdraw into himself against his will. His confidence would falter, the life in his eyes would dim, and he'd go back to the window like it's where he belonged.

It is. You belong there. But he doesn't deserve that.

He deserves everything.

And that's why, one day while Teddy's out of the apartment, he breaks his promise. But for good reason, he tells himself, pleased for thinking of it, his eyes glowing with the light of a spell for the first time since Teddy had stopped him that first day. He'll be happy.

When Teddy comes home, he'll find a surprise waiting for him: a family dinner, the Kaplan clan crowded around their little table in the kitchenette area, food being dished out- a huge, elaborate stir fry dish, Teddy's favourite. They're laughing, smiling, happy to be here.

And at the head of the table, the guest of honour, is Ms. Altman herself.]

[There have been good days and bad days. Teddy learned to treasure the good days and keep to himself on the bad ones. Except he keeps second guessing himself, keeps wondering what Billy wants to change about him, what everyone would like to see. He'd look at himself in the mirror when Billy hadn't been paying attention, and when once he was proud of who he was and didn't mind who stared back at him, gradually, he found things that he started to hate.

His eyes. They were so dull. His hair. Doesn't everyone have that style? His nose. He never liked it, it was too big. His face. Too many angles. His ears. Why did he ever get those earrings...? And that was just his head.

He could shift all of these things, and maybe Billy would look at him and see what he wanted. Maybe it would be enough to break out of it, climb out of the windowsill and smile, grateful that Teddy did what he wanted him to do. At least Teddy would know. At least he'd know what Billy wanted.

They were running low on cat food, though Teddy can't deny that he spent much longer than it should have to actually get it. It was easier on himself, spending some time away from his boyfriend and not have to be subject to the silent treatment, to be looked at and yet not looked at at all. It didn't stop that feeling of everyone finding something wrong with him, but it was easier. Kept him sane, a little.

Finally, he unlocks the door and opens it wide, smile on his face, hair shorter and styled differently, eyes brown yet darker than Billy's, nose a little more slender, and just two earrings in his ears. Maybe this look will do it. Maybe.]

Hey, I'm -

[Then, the cat food drops along with the shift.

He sees Billy's family in the corners of his vision, but they might as well have not been there at all when he sees who's at the head of the table. It's - It's her, happy, smiling, laughing with Mrs. Kaplan, and when Teddy cuts himself off, that's -

That's when she looks up at him. And she smiles, and she looks as radiant as ever. There is no fire. There's no smoke, no stench of burning flesh, no tortured screams that still haunt him at night. Her eyes, blue like his, like his are now, are squinted slightly as she smiles so brightly, and she stands from her place to walk around the table towards him, arm held out for him.

Mom.]

[Billy's watching from the couch.

It's harder to hold it than it was before, despite being so well-rested; he's slept so much in the past few weeks that it's strange to be so weary after just one spell. It's a good spell, though. He worked really hard on it. He'd struggled to make it just right, and it had been so much more difficult without the empath's ability like he'd had before. He can't read Teddy's mind to know what he wants.

But then, he doesn't need to, does he? He knows Teddy like he knows himself. He knows what he wants, what would make him happy.

If I can't find myself again... if I'm lost for good...

At least, let him have her.

So he watches, quietly and from his corner, smiling softly, his eyes a brilliant blue. He feels, for the first time in almost a monthm like he's finally done something right.]

Edited 2013-10-28 07:15 (UTC)

[This isn't right.

Something in his mind whispers that to him, but it might as well have fallen right out of his ear. He doesn't think that it's not newbie time yet, nor that something seem off; he just watches her with wide eyes, his entire body frozen. Afraid that he's dreaming, that this isn't real. Like he'll wake up and find nothing there.

Then, she talks to him.

"Oh, Teddy, honey... I've been waiting for you to come home."]

Mom -

[Then he's moving, and before he knows it, he's got his arms tight around her, eyes squeezed shut, mouth pressed to her shoulder, not even bothering to hide the tremors in his body or the tears that spring up. It's her, it's her, and that's all he knows right now, even if...

Even if something doesn't feel right... It's fine, it's fine, there's nothing else in the room right now, nothing else exists, just he and his mom, the woman he's missed so much in the past, god, two years...]

Edited 2013-10-28 07:22 (UTC)

[There it is.

Billy closes his eyes, his head lowering, smiling contentedly. It's everything he'd hoped for. Teddy has his mom back, the one he's missed more than anyone else in the world, the one he'd lost far too early in life. And it's good. Of course it's good. His powers can be used for good again. He should have done this all along- no fake Teddy, no false realities for people he doesn't know or even like. No, this is what the power to change reality is for.

To make it better.]

[Teddy has so much to tell her. So much to say even if the lump in his throat clogs everything, caused by one of her arms holding him, the other hand stroking his hair. Like she knew why he was so upset, why he couldn't let go of her. Did she know? Was she pulled here at that - when -

He takes in a deep breath, half expecting smoke.

He freezes, eyes opening, tears still at the edges of them.

She has no smell.

And that's something Teddy always knew about her - there was a sort of exotic scent about her that let Teddy know when she had been in the room at home, his home, back when she was still alive. It was similar to his, something vaguely clean and aquatic, but also of vanilla, a perfume that liked to wear. Combined, it was like a warm sea breeze, like lying on the sand and knowing nothing could hurt you, not even the vastness of the ocean.

There was nothing like that on her.

And with his eyes open, he can see her back, too. There aren't any wings. And one of the very basic things about being in Luceti is the fact that every person brought here has wings.

Teddy slowly loosens his hold, as much as he wants to stay and be comforted, and steps back and away from her, eyes wide. Now he knows why this didn't feel right. And there's tears pricking at his eyes for another reason entirely.

He looks at Billy, unable to see his eyes, but - And his mom, again, who looks at him with confusion.]

No... You're not...

[It's the tone, more than the words, that alarm him, and Billy's eyes open again, equally surprised and confused to see Teddy backing away. What had happened? Had he missed something? He'd recreated her as best as his memory could offer... what had gone wrong?]

Teddy? Teddy, what is it?

[He straightens up, sliding off the couch, though he stumbles a little, weakened from the spell. It doesn't matter. If Teddy isn't happy, it's all pointless. He has to make it right...]

[And there it is, the movement that catches his eye. Billy's looking at him now, and Teddy can see it now.

His eyes are pure blue, shining brightly with - with a spell. A spell when he'd promised Teddy he wouldn't do anything like this while he was still possessed. Altering his reality, taking a memory and -

This is nothing but a memory, it's not

Why did you even think it was her

She's dead

Didn't you accept that you'd always be alone in the world?

Teddy backs up until he hits the door, the motion making it shut, and his hand grips the doorknob, wanting to turn it and flee, run away from all this and not come back for a while. But he can't move. He's frozen on the spot, pressed against the door as if he could phase through it, staring at his mother whose confusion slowly turns to hurt.]

B-Billy, this - Make it go away, please -

[Now the other family members are standing, looking equally confused.

"Teddy?" his mom asks. "Teddy, what's wrong? It's me... come here, it's all right..."

His head presses back against the door, teeth clenched, tears escaping and falling down his cheeks.

This was wrong, this was so wrong. This wasn't - this wasn't how she acted, how was he so fooled? This person standing here isn't her, could never be her, yet the way she's looking at him, like his expression is hurting her, feels like the hole in his heart that she left behind has been cut open even wider.]

[Oh no.

Oh no, oh no.]

Teddy... Teddy what did I-

[He cuts himself off, his gaze drifting to look at Teddy's mother, at the others whose attention has been drawn to them, to the scene that doesn't fit into the perfect setting he's created. Oh god, he didn't get it right, he forgot-]

Teddy- Teddy, is it the wings? I forgot them, I'm sorry, I'll fix it, just let me...

[He should've been more careful, he should've tried harder, he should've checked...!]

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