selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[At first, Billy just shakes his head, unable to trust his voice just yet. Of course he doesn't mind. He craves it, more than anything else. Not just for the physical part of it - that's pretty much at the bottom of his list of needs and wants - but the normalcy, the comfort of their relationship, without all the fear and second-guessing. Without the guilt and the pain of recent memory. He wants to hug and kiss and love without conflict.

He wants more, so much more for Teddy than what they have right now.

You should be glad you've got this much.

But compared to what they had before, it's less than table scraps. It's crumbs on the floor. It's almost nothing.

But it's not nothing.

Right now, this is everything.

And this is more than you deserve.]

I don't... I don't. I want whatever you want, Teddy...

[Whatever you give me, after what I did. I'll take it, and I'll be happy.]

Whatever you want, I'll give it to you...

[Something about the way Billy says that doesn't feel right to Teddy. Maybe it's how he knows that what Billy wants isn't necessarily what Teddy wants. Maybe it's his doubts. Maybe it's the fact that... it feels like an offer. Like when Billy was granting everyone's most sought after wishes and desires.

There aren't a lot of things Teddy wants, and most of what he does are impossible to give. His hand slides from Billy's shoulder to the back of his neck, thumb smoothing against the edge of Billy's hair.]

I'm not asking for anything.

[I want answers, I want to feel like I know at least some things again, I want to feel like you love me again, all of me, even the parts I hate about myself -]

I just... want you to be safe. I want you beside me. I want you to not drift away from me... you keep going to a place I can't follow, and I want to bring you back.

[He presses his forehead a little harder against his shoulder.]

I want you to stay with me...

[It's... not the exact answer he'd expected, but he doesn't hate it. Especially since that, at least, is what he wants, too. He wants to be himself, he wants to be with Teddy, and he wants this whole problem to just... go away. And while he knows it won't just because he wishes for it - life is never that easy or simple, even for a reality bender, apparently - it doesn't stop him from wanting it more than anything. To give Teddy what he wants, to make him happy. To keep him close.]

I... I'll try. I can't promise anything else, I can't... [He shudders, gripping the crook of Teddy's neck and shoulder, trying to burrow as close as he can get.] ...But I can promise you... that I'll try.

... That's all I ask.

[Teddy stays where he is, burrowed against Billy's shoulder with their pets at their sides, keeping at least this promise to heart. He knows this power is something he can't just reach in and yank out, that Billy can't just wish it away. But they have to fight this in their own way... try as hard as they can.

It's really all he can ask for. All he wants.]

[For days, he tried. He really did. He drifted a lot, that was undeniable, spent a lot of time in his own window rather than the clinic's, staring at nothing. He and his new hoodie were more or less inseparable outside of bathing or sleeping (and hopefully a bit of laundry), but he at least had the sense to wear something underneath so it didn't end up completely rank. It was a security blanket, a center of stability almost as much as Teddy was. It kept him cemented when Teddy was out of the apartment or busy or just- couldn't stand to be around him.

That happened sometimes too, he knows. And he couldn't blame him; he knows he's horrible company, he understands that well, even if he lacks the capacity to fix it. He's trying. But trying often isn't enough, and it feels like he's fighting a losing battle, sometimes.

There has to be a way to make it up to him. Something you can do.

If you can't fix yourself, can't you fix the world for him...?

But sometimes, he was okay. Sometimes he smiled and touched and breathed normalcy, dug out his own equilibrium and found Teddy there waiting for him, just like always. Those were the good times, those were the days where Teddy smiled back and held his hand and he felt a little more alive than before.

And then he'd say something wrong, or think about the week before and withdraw into himself against his will. His confidence would falter, the life in his eyes would dim, and he'd go back to the window like it's where he belonged.

It is. You belong there. But he doesn't deserve that.

He deserves everything.

And that's why, one day while Teddy's out of the apartment, he breaks his promise. But for good reason, he tells himself, pleased for thinking of it, his eyes glowing with the light of a spell for the first time since Teddy had stopped him that first day. He'll be happy.

When Teddy comes home, he'll find a surprise waiting for him: a family dinner, the Kaplan clan crowded around their little table in the kitchenette area, food being dished out- a huge, elaborate stir fry dish, Teddy's favourite. They're laughing, smiling, happy to be here.

And at the head of the table, the guest of honour, is Ms. Altman herself.]

[There have been good days and bad days. Teddy learned to treasure the good days and keep to himself on the bad ones. Except he keeps second guessing himself, keeps wondering what Billy wants to change about him, what everyone would like to see. He'd look at himself in the mirror when Billy hadn't been paying attention, and when once he was proud of who he was and didn't mind who stared back at him, gradually, he found things that he started to hate.

His eyes. They were so dull. His hair. Doesn't everyone have that style? His nose. He never liked it, it was too big. His face. Too many angles. His ears. Why did he ever get those earrings...? And that was just his head.

He could shift all of these things, and maybe Billy would look at him and see what he wanted. Maybe it would be enough to break out of it, climb out of the windowsill and smile, grateful that Teddy did what he wanted him to do. At least Teddy would know. At least he'd know what Billy wanted.

They were running low on cat food, though Teddy can't deny that he spent much longer than it should have to actually get it. It was easier on himself, spending some time away from his boyfriend and not have to be subject to the silent treatment, to be looked at and yet not looked at at all. It didn't stop that feeling of everyone finding something wrong with him, but it was easier. Kept him sane, a little.

Finally, he unlocks the door and opens it wide, smile on his face, hair shorter and styled differently, eyes brown yet darker than Billy's, nose a little more slender, and just two earrings in his ears. Maybe this look will do it. Maybe.]

Hey, I'm -

[Then, the cat food drops along with the shift.

He sees Billy's family in the corners of his vision, but they might as well have not been there at all when he sees who's at the head of the table. It's - It's her, happy, smiling, laughing with Mrs. Kaplan, and when Teddy cuts himself off, that's -

That's when she looks up at him. And she smiles, and she looks as radiant as ever. There is no fire. There's no smoke, no stench of burning flesh, no tortured screams that still haunt him at night. Her eyes, blue like his, like his are now, are squinted slightly as she smiles so brightly, and she stands from her place to walk around the table towards him, arm held out for him.

Mom.]

[Billy's watching from the couch.

It's harder to hold it than it was before, despite being so well-rested; he's slept so much in the past few weeks that it's strange to be so weary after just one spell. It's a good spell, though. He worked really hard on it. He'd struggled to make it just right, and it had been so much more difficult without the empath's ability like he'd had before. He can't read Teddy's mind to know what he wants.

But then, he doesn't need to, does he? He knows Teddy like he knows himself. He knows what he wants, what would make him happy.

If I can't find myself again... if I'm lost for good...

At least, let him have her.

So he watches, quietly and from his corner, smiling softly, his eyes a brilliant blue. He feels, for the first time in almost a monthm like he's finally done something right.]

Edited 2013-10-28 07:15 (UTC)

[This isn't right.

Something in his mind whispers that to him, but it might as well have fallen right out of his ear. He doesn't think that it's not newbie time yet, nor that something seem off; he just watches her with wide eyes, his entire body frozen. Afraid that he's dreaming, that this isn't real. Like he'll wake up and find nothing there.

Then, she talks to him.

"Oh, Teddy, honey... I've been waiting for you to come home."]

Mom -

[Then he's moving, and before he knows it, he's got his arms tight around her, eyes squeezed shut, mouth pressed to her shoulder, not even bothering to hide the tremors in his body or the tears that spring up. It's her, it's her, and that's all he knows right now, even if...

Even if something doesn't feel right... It's fine, it's fine, there's nothing else in the room right now, nothing else exists, just he and his mom, the woman he's missed so much in the past, god, two years...]

Edited 2013-10-28 07:22 (UTC)

[There it is.

Billy closes his eyes, his head lowering, smiling contentedly. It's everything he'd hoped for. Teddy has his mom back, the one he's missed more than anyone else in the world, the one he'd lost far too early in life. And it's good. Of course it's good. His powers can be used for good again. He should have done this all along- no fake Teddy, no false realities for people he doesn't know or even like. No, this is what the power to change reality is for.

To make it better.]

[Teddy has so much to tell her. So much to say even if the lump in his throat clogs everything, caused by one of her arms holding him, the other hand stroking his hair. Like she knew why he was so upset, why he couldn't let go of her. Did she know? Was she pulled here at that - when -

He takes in a deep breath, half expecting smoke.

He freezes, eyes opening, tears still at the edges of them.

She has no smell.

And that's something Teddy always knew about her - there was a sort of exotic scent about her that let Teddy know when she had been in the room at home, his home, back when she was still alive. It was similar to his, something vaguely clean and aquatic, but also of vanilla, a perfume that liked to wear. Combined, it was like a warm sea breeze, like lying on the sand and knowing nothing could hurt you, not even the vastness of the ocean.

There was nothing like that on her.

And with his eyes open, he can see her back, too. There aren't any wings. And one of the very basic things about being in Luceti is the fact that every person brought here has wings.

Teddy slowly loosens his hold, as much as he wants to stay and be comforted, and steps back and away from her, eyes wide. Now he knows why this didn't feel right. And there's tears pricking at his eyes for another reason entirely.

He looks at Billy, unable to see his eyes, but - And his mom, again, who looks at him with confusion.]

No... You're not...

[It's the tone, more than the words, that alarm him, and Billy's eyes open again, equally surprised and confused to see Teddy backing away. What had happened? Had he missed something? He'd recreated her as best as his memory could offer... what had gone wrong?]

Teddy? Teddy, what is it?

[He straightens up, sliding off the couch, though he stumbles a little, weakened from the spell. It doesn't matter. If Teddy isn't happy, it's all pointless. He has to make it right...]

[And there it is, the movement that catches his eye. Billy's looking at him now, and Teddy can see it now.

His eyes are pure blue, shining brightly with - with a spell. A spell when he'd promised Teddy he wouldn't do anything like this while he was still possessed. Altering his reality, taking a memory and -

This is nothing but a memory, it's not

Why did you even think it was her

She's dead

Didn't you accept that you'd always be alone in the world?

Teddy backs up until he hits the door, the motion making it shut, and his hand grips the doorknob, wanting to turn it and flee, run away from all this and not come back for a while. But he can't move. He's frozen on the spot, pressed against the door as if he could phase through it, staring at his mother whose confusion slowly turns to hurt.]

B-Billy, this - Make it go away, please -

[Now the other family members are standing, looking equally confused.

"Teddy?" his mom asks. "Teddy, what's wrong? It's me... come here, it's all right..."

His head presses back against the door, teeth clenched, tears escaping and falling down his cheeks.

This was wrong, this was so wrong. This wasn't - this wasn't how she acted, how was he so fooled? This person standing here isn't her, could never be her, yet the way she's looking at him, like his expression is hurting her, feels like the hole in his heart that she left behind has been cut open even wider.]

[Oh no.

Oh no, oh no.]

Teddy... Teddy what did I-

[He cuts himself off, his gaze drifting to look at Teddy's mother, at the others whose attention has been drawn to them, to the scene that doesn't fit into the perfect setting he's created. Oh god, he didn't get it right, he forgot-]

Teddy- Teddy, is it the wings? I forgot them, I'm sorry, I'll fix it, just let me...

[He should've been more careful, he should've tried harder, he should've checked...!]

Billy, it's not her! What are you -

[Teddy trails off when his mom brushes his cheek, making him freeze again.

"Do the wings really matter? It's me... please, believe me..."

He jerks his head to the side, trying to ignore how her startled gasp cuts into his soul. But he can't, he just can't, and he lowers his head, hands moving up to his hair as he slides down the door, clenching tight. She's still there, she's still there and he wants to get out and he can't even move, he's absolutely useless, and - and god, look at him, he's the worst son, he's -

What a fucking joke, he's not even a son.

He shudders, feeling how her hands touch his shoulders, touch his hair, trying to coax him to look up at his mother - no, his - this illusion.]

Please...

[Please, he says. It's not her.

He should have known.

It's because he's not a part of the illusion, Billy knows. It's because he wasn't enchanted not to see it. And that would be easy to fix, so easy, even easier than giving them all wings. He could do it.

And then he'd wake up from it, just like the others. And he'd hate you for it.

Listen to him, he's already begging you to stop. You made a promise.

No more magic.

...oh...

He'd forgotten.

Tentatively he steps forward, crouching down and gesturing with a hand to make the illusion of Teddy's mother back off. He watches Teddy, noticing the tears on his cheeks, the way he's flinching and shrinking away.]

...Teddy... Teddy, are you sure...?

[The question itself is a pointless formality. He already knows the answer he's going to get.

How could I have screwed this up so badly?]

[There's a whisper in his head that says no. There's a part of him that wants this to be real so badly. Maybe Billy just used magic to make their wings, her scent, all of that go away, maybe they're actually here, maybe his mom is alive and he can talk to her about everything and apologize for being a screw-up of a son and ask her so many questions that only she can answer. Maybe he can hug her and never let go. Wouldn't that be something, to be wrapped up in a mother's embrace again? One of the things he'd missed so terribly and longed to feel again?

But... she's not even acting like her. She - Sarah Altman is only acting the way Billy thinks she'd act when Teddy's upset, because he's never seen it happen in their household. How she'd stroke his hair and look him in the eyes, those eyes that could tell exactly how he felt no matter how much he hid it, and asked what was wrong, and even if he didn't answer, she wouldn't push for it. She'd just smile and spend time with him, watch a movie or a show with him, eat with him, joke with him and make him laugh, until whatever was bothering him just didn't anymore. He felt so comfortable with her that sometimes the reason for it would just slip out, and they would talk about it until Teddy had enough, and it was okay.

She was there when he hurt someone, badly, for the first time with his strength, when he was only a child who didn't know his own strength. She found ways to help him, never making a big deal if he broke something, just patiently worked with him until he learned to start controlling it himself.

She was there when he discovered his shapeshifting powers, never knowing he had them and was constantly using them until he did something major to his body and didn't know how to make it stop. This, she knew how to handle. She eased him back to his own shape, and when he cried so much he could barely breathe due to being some kind of monster, something immensely different from the others, she raised his chin and told him he was a mutant. It wasn't the truth. But it gave him a sense of belonging, a group to identify with, and in that moment, that was what he needed the most.

This illusion wouldn't do that. She isn't doing that. It's not her, it's not her, it's not her.

It's why that whisper barely grazes his mind, why a loud and resounding yes is there instead.

It's not her.]

Yes, god - [He can see her standing there, looking at him with hurt, and he buries his face in his knees and grips his hair enough to hurt.] Stop!

[That’s all the prompting he needs; with a muffled cry, Billy releases the spell, the light in his eyes fading back to normal - at least, what qualifies as normal for the past two weeks. Everyone in the room vanishes except for he and Teddy, and after what he just did, he really wants to vanish, himself. He screwed up. He screwed up big time. He presses a hand under his nose, covering his mouth and checking for blood. There’s none there this time, but he’d wanted to be sure. Teddy’s already so upset- the last thing he wants to do is make things worse.

He drops to his knees, reaching for Teddy, but too afraid to touch. This was his last chance, wasn’t it? One last ditch effort to make Teddy happy, and he’d completely failed. What’s he supposed to do now?]

Teddy? Teddy… are you okay…?

[He doesn’t look okay. He doesn’t feel okay...]

[Teddy doesn't answer. He lifts his head from his knees and stares ahead of him, right at the spot where his mom was. She's gone. Again. He's alone again. And it's so much worse this time, so much worse than when some stupid experiment would give him villagers as family members. This was the image of his mother, smiling and happy and looking at him with love. This was like taking his heart and twisting it, showing him what he could have had if she lived, what he missed, what he craved more than anything else in the world.

And she's gone again. She was never here in the first place. She's at the Avengers' Mansion, ashes scattered among the grass, near the spot where they'd look beyond the gate, him talking about the heroes he looked up to and her smiling, almost wistful, asking if he had a favorite, thinking one of them was handsome, and -

Oh god, he's so lost, he's alone and she's gone and she burned, burned, and he'd gone up and embraced a shadow of her like she was his own, and - and Billy did this, broke his promise, he -

Teddy can't stay there. His stomach feels sick, and that sickness spreads and makes him dizzy. He barely even hears Billy, doesn't want to hear him. Instead, he pushes himself forward, pushing Billy away by the shoulder, and runs to the restroom, the door slamming shut, enough to rock the wall around it, and locking the door.

Okay?

He's not okay in the slightest.]

[Billy remains frozen on his knees for a long moment, stricken, confused, so worried he feels physically ill. It's only his lack of appetite that keeps him from losing his lunch, and somehow he finds the strength to stand, to move to the bathroom door as quietly as he can. He presses up against it, too frightened to speak, just listening.

Teddy ran... he never runs like that, he...]

[Within, Teddy grips the edges of the toilet and does lose his lunch, one of the few times in his life that's ever happened. Once was when he ate something harmful to him when he was little, and the other was the night after his mom as murdered, when things wound down and reality hit him dead in the stomach.

It's the same feeling here, the dread of what reality truly is for him hitting him hard. His mom, one of his best friends, one of his only friends for a time, was...

His body recovers well enough from being ill, but Teddy still leans his forehead against the edge of the seat, just barely reaching up to flush the toilet. At least that can conceal the cry he lets out, and the rest are muffled when he presses his hands to his mouth and tries to control his breathing. Tears stream down his face, over his hands, dripping on his knees and the floor. It's been a long while since he felt anything like this, like he needs his parents but knows he can't find them, no matter how much he searches or calls their names. He still has her number in his starkphone, having never gained the courage nor the heart to erase it, and sometimes sends text messages to it, knowing he's only filling up the inbox, knowing there'll be a day when his message will bounce back. He knows she's not on the other end, he knows... and it only hits harder now, when, for just a few seconds, he actually thought she was there and alive...

Why would she be?

This is what it'll always be like for you.

You'll always be alone.]

Edited 2013-10-29 03:31 (UTC)

[Billy lasts as long as hearing Teddy sob before he stumbles away, hitting the nearest wall and backing up into the corner. He slides down the wall, landing hard, and tucks his knees to his chest, hands clenched tightly over his ears. Teddy's crying. He's crying, he's sick, and Teddy's never sick, he made him sick-

you make him sick

His hands tighten over his ears, breathing hard, trying to drown the sound out, but it keeps echoing in his head, over and over.

you failed you failed

you made him cry again

you always do this

ever since he came back you've done nothing but hurt him

he supported you, protected you, helped you find yourself again, piece by piece, and this is what you give him in return?

you think a stupid spell can make it all better?

your magic is broken

your promise is broken

no more magic, that's all he wanted, no more magic and you can't stop yourself

He gasps, smacking his head back against the wall, as if the act alone will drive the voices out, but all it does is make them grow louder, taunting him with his own failures. It's his own voice, it's always his own voice, but it doesn't even sound like him anymore. It's too calm, too confident. He's not that person anymore. It's a much better person than he is, now.

I want to be someone better

I want to be someone better

He wants to chant it, repeat it over and over, recreate the part of reality he hates more than anything else in the world. But it won't work. He knows it won't work. It's the one spell that never, ever does. And magic can't save him anymore, can it? His magic is broken, just like him. So broken it - he - even managed to drive Teddy away. He'd promised to never leave and Billy hadn't given him a choice.

Cut out his tongue, Loki had threatened- and god, Billy wishes he had, now. If he'd just cast that one little spell, driven him to it, maybe- maybe this wouldn't have happened. He can't cast if he can't speak. Or hear his words spoken. That was what the warden had said, hadn't he? He could do it himself- there's knives in the kitchen, he's got teeth- he could-

go ahead, mangle yourself trying to make it all better, leave another mess for Teddy to clean up

is that all you can do?

He goes still, the only sign of movement a steady tremor passing through his body. It's true, isn't it? It would be so easy for him, but Teddy would have to deal with it, Teddy would see him like that and how would he feel?

relieved

no, that's just you

The truth is, he doesn't know what's best for Teddy anymore. He thought he did, this time, and look how wrong he was. Look how much damage he caused. Over and over, he can hear it. Over and over. The sound of broken promises and broken hearts.

don't hurt yourself, don't leave a mess

just

disappear]

...I... I-I want to die... I want to die... IwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodie--

[one more spell and he'll be free

that's good, isn't it? that's right-]

[Teddy doesn't hear what's going on, the sound of his own harsh cries and the blood pounding in his ears drowning it all out. If he knew, he would've stopped himself and Billy as soon as he could.

But right now, he's too deep in his own grief to think of anything else. It's like reliving that night again, when he'd woken up in sweat and then ended up just like this, head against the warming seat and hands over his mouth to keep from waking anyone else up.

He wants to grab his phone and call her number. He wants to leave a voicemail. He wants to hear her voice say that she isn't there right now, but leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as I can. He wants, he wants -

God, he's just a stupid kid who misses his mom and wants her back, is that so wrong?]

[It takes at least ten minutes of chanting it before Billy realizes he's still alive.

He trails off slowly, his hands drifting down from his head to fall limp against his sides, and he leans back until his head touches the wall, staring blankly at the ceiling. He's not dead.

I'm not dead.

It's another two minutes of quietly repeating the phrase to himself over and over before it really sinks in. He's not dead, but why? His magic's supposed to work when he wishes for something, when he really wants it. And after all this, after everything he's done and everything he's been through, what could he possibly want more? What could be conflicting with that desire?

....

....

....

iwanttolive

With that one, tiny, pathetic realization, a sound escapes his lips, a little sob-hiccup-laugh that he can't bury, so he just lets it out. He can't die. He can't die because he wants to live. How stupid is that? How selfish?

I want to see Teddy smile again.

I want it to not be too late.

I want to make everything better again.

I want to be me.

I want to be better.

It's terrifying. The will to live is terrifying. It grips his chest, curls around his heart like a fire, seering and aching and choking at his breath, and it hurts but it feels good. He laughs as much as he cries, quietly, hands pressed over his mouth to muffle the sound, tears slipping unhindered between his fingers. It's not as if he really liked who he was, or thought very highly of himself. Before this happened, before everything fell to pieces. He was proud, a bit. He liked living. Sometimes he even loved it. He loved his family and he loved his friends, and he loved being a super hero. And Teddy. He loved Teddy. He loved living with Teddy and being with Teddy and seeing his smiling face every day.

He loved living.

Loves.

He loves living.

The spell didn't work. He doesn't want to die, so the spell didn't work.

Thank god. Thank god.

And so he cries, because now that he's staying alive he doesn't know what else to do.]

[It's much the same thing for Teddy; he's alive and he doesn't know what to do. What's a teenager supposed to do when the one guiding figure in his life is gone?

...

Pick up the pieces, glue them together as best as you can, and keep going.

His mother died for him to protect him, to ensure that he kept living. Her last words were that his real mother wanted to protect him too, even from her own people, even from ones she considered her friends.

It was by their love that he was kept alive and, though he's always unsure about bringing his religious upbringing into anything, he's sure there was some higher power at work for keeping them all alive, too. God, or whatever anyone else believed in, whatever his mom and mother believed in. They were all put here for a reason, even if it's not an important one.

He's still looking for his reason, and his mom ensured that he'd find it.

Teddy might not know what to do with his life, even less so when he'll return home. But his mom, his mother, even his father, gave him the chance to find it.

His tears slow, enough that he can just shift again and make them stop completely, although he doesn't make a move to wipe them away just yet. He still sits there, arms around his stomach now, thinking about all kinds of things and letting his grief settle.

He just needs a few more minutes, he knows it. Then he can stand up, wash his face and...]

[Action, October 21st]

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[Action, October 25th] ~skipper do~

[Action, October 25th] HAHAHAsob 1/2

[Action, October 25th] 2/2

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[Action, October 25th] tw for suicidal talk I REMEMBERED THIS TIME D:

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