selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Why? When is there ever a reasonable answer to that? It had made perfect sense to him at the time, when he'd been desperate, heartbroken, sick with guilt. The bottom of the barrel, the end of his rope, insert-dramatic-metaphor-of-choice. It had felt like the right choice. It had felt like there hadn't been a choice.

Now? Everything he'd told himself at the time is just an excuse to make him feel better about giving up.]

...Because... because I was stupid. Because I wasn't thinking. Because I was thinking too much.

[Because I made you leave me. Which he doesn't say, since no matter how he could possibly phrase it, it would still come out sounding like it was Teddy's fault, and it wasn't, it wasn't, not ever.]

Teddy, I don't... I didn't put any value on my own life. I felt empty, worthless, broken. I thought that if... if all I did was make people suffer, then I don't- I don't deserve to...

[He trails off, glancing aside. It's all just empty justification now, pointless excuses for a stupid, reckless, selfish mistake. Teddy deserves better.]

...It doesn't matter why. What matters is that it didn't work.

[Teddy can't understand that. And again, the words come back, you're not enough, you're not enough, and he takes in a hitch of breath and presses his fingers to Billy's chest as if Teddy would die if he can't feel his heartbeat anymore. How could Billy feel that way if he knew there were people reaching out to him? How could he not see that?

Billy's words just make the ache in his chest grow, and it hurts so much to hear that. This person that he treasures and loves more than anything in this world felt like he was worthless, like he shouldn't live anymore. Teddy thinks the world of him, and Billy thinks the opposite. It feels a bit like all of his feelings and all of his love are being spat back at him, and he squashes down the irrational anger from that as best as he can.]

You're not -

[But Billy isn't done, which might be just as well – it's still hard to breathe and he isn't sure he could get everything he wanted to say out.

It didn't work.

That begs the question, what did he do? What did he try?]

What...?

[He knows it's hard to hear. It's hard to say, too, which is half the problem right there. Neither of them want this. But he knows that they need it, too. And now that things are in motion, now that the truth is out, he can't stop.

We used to have no secrets, and... now we have so many.

I don't want to be a part of that.]

I tried... to cast a spell. Just one last spell. I thought it... would all go away. My powers are fueled by willpower, right? I thought I could make it happen if I wanted it. Just... just say the words-

[He cuts himself off, biting his lip again, swallowing back those words. Teddy will understand, and... Billy doesn't want him to hear it said.

"I want to die."

I was so stupid...

He's still very conscious of how viscerally upset Teddy is, how tense he is against Billy, how shaken and heavy his breath is. He needs Teddy to hear the next part without a second panic attack stacked onto the first.]

So I... I tried. I cast the spell. And it didn't happen.

[And it didn't happen.

Teddy knows about Billy's magic enough to get what that means. He doesn't seem to be any calmer than before, his stomach still feels sick, and it still feels like his lungs aren't quite getting enough air.

But.]

It... didn't happen...

[Teddy had said it himself: Billy's power is based on willpower, belief, whatever he casts happens because he wants it so much that he can feel it, can believe in the want so much that it literally does happen.

If he cast it, and it didn't work, then that means...]

Edited 2013-10-31 03:33 (UTC)

That's right... it didn't. It didn't work because it's... not what I wanted.

[Billy lifts his free hand to touch the one Teddy has pressed to his forehead, hoping to twine their fingers together again. He tilts his head to try and look Teddy in the eyes, offering the barest of smiles. This isn't a happy conversation, he knows- not by any means. But it is hopeful. He hopes that can be conveyed somehow.]

I know it's not... it's not good that I did that. But if I hadn't, I wouldn't have known that... I do want to live. I do. And... I kept thinking of you, Teddy...

[He gives both of Teddy's hands a squeeze, his heart pounding in his chest.]

I want to live for you. I want to live with you...

[... Why?

After everything, after Billy said that it'd be better if Teddy were gone, tried to kill him, said that things were perfect until he came along... why?

He just can't get his mind around it, and even as Billy looks into his eyes, Teddy's gaze doesn't waver, like he's looking right through him instead of at him. He pulls hand away from Billy's chest briefly to wrap his arm around his stomach, his thoughts flying through his head now that everything in his body is sped up.

he's just reassuring you, he's just calming you down the best way he knows how, but he wouldn't lie about this, and he's smiling, because he knows you'll believe him, he's not like that, how do you know, I know, you don't, I do, no you idiot, he's the one who wanted you gone, he's the one who replaced you, he's the one you can't satisfy, no, what if I'm wrong about all of this, what if it's all just someone making him talk, what if, what if

you can't say any of this

not while he's still got that thing in his head, not now

you can't

you're not enough]

With... me? But I... I'm not...

[I'm not

I'll never be]

[Billy's smile vanishes, his hands left in mid-air for a long moment when Teddy pulls away. Maybe- maybe he thought about this all wrong, maybe he should have just kept it to himself, maybe Teddy would never see it the way he did.

Which, ha, wouldn't that just be icing on the cake? Another strike on the list of Billy Kaplan's greatest screw-ups? Every time he thinks he's doing something right, he just makes it all worse.

Just stop trying.

But he can't, he can't. Teddy needs him. He's so bad at this, he never does anything right, but he can't stop trying. He lets his hands drop, missing the contact between them like a lost limb but not wanting to push Teddy when he's uncomfortable, but he remains close, unwilling to move away just yet.]

You are. You're everything, Teddy. I know I... I messed up. And you've been changing every day, and I think it's because of that. I wanted to pretend, all this time, that it was something else, but...

[It's reality. I need to wake up, and... I need to see reality.

No more magic. No more lies, either.]

You don't... have to. You don't need to. It was always you, Teddy... you're the one who was there for me.

[And I did this to you.

I don't know why you want me. I don't know what worth you see in me. I don't know why you stay.

But I know it's you.]

[He was there for...

No I wasn't, that fake was there for you, I was -

God, no, stop, he - he needs to stop. His boyfriend attempted suicide and all he's thinking of are his own problems, and isn't that just the most selfish thing?

Before he does anything else, he needs to calm down.]

I need to...

[Teddy squeezes his eyes shut and breathes again, just breathes, counts the seconds in his head, focuses on the numbers and nothing more. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four... If Billy can be quiet for a moment, then Teddy can focus on the numbers, and he can actually have a rational head for this. This is important, and he needs to be here, not taking a dive in the endless pool of his low self-confidence.

Eventually, the shaking slows to a stop, and his breathing becomes slower, more normal. The tension in his body starts to relax, and his heart rate slows. His lungs and chest and limbs and everything still hurts, though he knows it won't last long.

What matters is that his thoughts aren't a jumbled mess right now. For a moment, Teddy wonders if Billy will still be there if he opens his eyes. He showed a lot of ugly things right there, and he wouldn't be surprised...

But when he opens his eyes, and Billy's still sitting there...

Teddy lets out a long sigh and, finally, he reaches out for his hands again, just to hold them. He wants to press them to his forehead, but with the sweat there, that probably wouldn't be the best move. So he holds them instead, eyes shutting again, head bowed, the shaking returning for another reason.]

... Thank god. I - Oh, thank god, you didn't... I don't know what I would've done if you...

[As soon as Teddy's hands touch his again, Billy exhales heavily, letting out the air he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and lets a helpless shudder pass through his body, some of the tension releasing. He knows it was still a terrible thing to share, and a part of him regrets it. Probably always will. But at least- at least Teddy can still touch him. Can still stand to be near him. At least he hasn't lost this yet.

He shifts his grip in Teddy's hands to twist their fingers together once more, clinging to the blond just as desperately, leaning in cautiously to touch their heads together.]

I know... I know... I'm so sorry...

[It feels like all he's done the past two weeks is apologize, so much that he wonders if the word even means anything anymore. But it's important, still. It never stopped being important, right...?]

I thought... I couldn't think straight, I couldn't keep it together, I just... I thought I was doing it for you... to free you from... all this. That if all you had was me, you were better off with- with nothing. That you could start over without me dragging you down. It's like I forgot everything you'd ever told me just long enough to...

[Long enough to say the one sentence he'd have regretted forever, had it worked.]

...but... when I stopped? When I realized I was still alive? I remembered it all. And I knew what a mistake I'd made...

[Teddy's eyes clench at those words, that he'd be better off with nothing. How could anyone ever think that about... anyone? He's already lost so much, and Billy thought that taking away the only other thing in his life would be better...

He has no idea, does he? Even after remembering all the things Teddy said - He has no idea just how much worse he'd be if Billy left his life, does he? The thought makes tears line his eyes, the thought of being left with nothing. It'd be like the only light in his life going out, leaving only darkness to crush around him.

When he opens his eyes again, just barely, enough to see the blurry image of Billy's lips, he just - he has to ask, he has to make sure...]

Do you... still think that way? That I'd be better off with - with nothing?

[Billy hesitates there, because... well. Look at what honesty got him last time. But Teddy asked, Teddy's waiting, and... he's so tired of the lies. Fake smiles and fake worlds and ever-shifting faces, magicking away the pain when all he's really doing is sweeping it under the rug.

It's enough.]

...Sometimes... [His breath catches, and he swallows, eyes clenching.] Sometimes I think... you'd be better off without... me. You wouldn't have nothing, you've got Kate, and Tommy, and Ororo, and Katniss,and Cap, and Mia, and... there's so many people who care about you, Teddy. People who aren't me.

[People who don't hurt you like I do.

People who are alive, and whole, and themselves.]

But... I know it's just... it fades. It fades, it goes away, and I remember again. I think about moments like this, or- or the first time I brought it up, how scared you were... and how scared I was, when I thought about dying. I remember how I felt, after I tried, how I was... I was so glad it didn't work. I remember how much I wanted to be alive...

[But I don't love them. Not like I love you.

Before this all happened, I was going to ask you to...

... But you wouldn't want that, would you? Especially not now.

Teddy stares ahead for a moment, just watching Billy's lips move as he speaks, feeling a hitch in his own breath over how Billy just doesn't understand how much he means to Teddy. He thought...

He thought this would be forever... He thought for sure Billy knew...

But he shuts his eyes, not even caring about the two tears that drop down to their hands. He's hiding so many things, and he's just... so tired of it. He hates trying to hide everything, he hates it.]

I want you alive, too. You have no idea how much, Billy... I know that you don't think about how other people feel when you're in a... a state like that. Believe me, I know.

[How many times had he thought about it in the past? Brief little thoughts that he never followed through on, but never took into account how other people would feel. How many times did he think, if I wanted to, how could I even get past my healing thing...?]

I'm glad it didn't work. I'm glad you know how much you want to be alive... [He opens his eyes again, twisting his hand free of Billy's to brush against his cheek instead.] It's... going to get better, okay? This thing you have - it's not forever. I know it's hard, but... that's why I'm here beside you. You're not alone in this. You've got me, Billy, and... I wouldn't be better off without you. I want you here... I want you to keep remember what it's like, wanting to be alive. Please...

[He wants that. He wants that more than anything- to be with Teddy, to be happy with Teddy, and... to always remember that it isn't supposed to be like this. That they used to be okay. They'd laugh and joke and talk for hours and read comics and fight super villains and make love and...

It was wonderful. All of it, every moment they spent together, whether they were fighting for their lives or reading Batman punch faces or pulling one another's clothes off. They'd fallen in love and... it was wonderful.

"They say that falling in love is wonderful..."

He makes a brief, quiet humming noise to acknowledge Teddy's words, letting them repeat themselves in his own mind for a few moments longer. He wants to laugh at his own stupid head, full of geek quotes and song lyrics and book trivia and endless rambles. He wants to cry that the words "I want to die" are now in the middle of all that, coiled like a snake ready to bite and remind him of his own failures without warning. He loves the words Teddy speaks but hates the reason he had to say them.

That's... this whole month in a nutshell, really. And god, has it really been that long already? A month since they were taken... a month since everything they knew and loved was ruined, leaving this. Only this.

I'm glad you're with me...

I'm glad it's you.

He lifts his hand to press it over Teddy's, slowly forcing his eyes open to meet those beautiful blue eyes - blue again, he hadn't noticed before, they'd been green when he left, and he's so glad to see them blue now - and tries, tries to smile again.]

I remember. As long as you're with me... as long as you want me here... I'll remember. And if- if I ever-

[He falters, biting hard on his lower lip, then grits his teeth and tries again. This... this is important, too.]

If I ever feel like that again... if I think I...

[Just breathe. Just say it. Believe in him. He believes in you.]

...I'll come to you. I'll ask for help. I won't... let myself be alone. Because I don't want to leave you alone, either...

[If you still want me, then... even if it's just a little bit... even if I can't always see it... I'll be better than nothing.

For you.

Until I can believe it on my own again...]

... Okay.

[Teddy touches their noses together briefly, the tension in his brow and jaw making it evident just how hard it is to hear that, too. He's not used to this. He's not used to being with someone who thinks so lowly of themselves that they need reminders that they're loved, they're needed, they need to stay alive. It's hard, wondering if he's loving Billy enough, if Billy just isn't seeing it... It's hard seeing the person he loves most not believe him when he says that he's the most important thing in his life.

But it must be hard for Billy, too. Especially with that thing weighing down on his mind. And this is just... another hurdle they need to get over. Teddy isn't about to let something like this beat them, when they... when they could beat anything. Now it seems like this thing is making Billy feel like he's losing, and Teddy feels like he's losing Billy.

It's why this revelation is so important to Billy, to the both of them. That he wants to live, that his spell didn't work because he loved to live, loved being with... with Teddy. Teddy knows this, and he's absolutely willing to do what he can, shift his lifestyle, be more mindful, whatever, as long as he can support Billy in what he's going through. As long as he can help Billy pull himself back up...]

I'll help you. I'm not going to let this beat us, okay? [He tries, tries to smile, too.] Hey... we fought time traveling. We fought aliens. We can fight this, too.

[Teddy's smile - even a partial one, even an attempt - is enough to make Billy's strengthen, and he holds onto it for a long moment before leaning in and resting his head against Teddy's shoulder, eyes closing. It's... such a relief to have it out there in the open, to no longer have to hide it, even if that feeling had been replaced with the guilt of making Teddy worry like that. Still, he can't help but keep believing that it's better this way. Better to have no secrets, no lies.

He's stronger with Teddy on his side. And this way, Teddy won't get any unpleasant surprises later if he... has another bad moment.

He really, really hopes he doesn't, though. He's had enough of that.]

Yeah... we'll be okay. I want to believe in that... in us.

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