![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[IC] Appointments Post
Feel free to use this post for random threads, backtagging or forwardtagging, whatever.
It can be Written, Action, Voice, or just a quick call on the journal system for whatever reason.
When you tag, please put a [Style, Date] in the subject line to start it out, eg.:
[Action, January 1st]
Thanks!
[Action, October 26th]
He shifts his grip in Teddy's hands to twist their fingers together once more, clinging to the blond just as desperately, leaning in cautiously to touch their heads together.]
I know... I know... I'm so sorry...
[It feels like all he's done the past two weeks is apologize, so much that he wonders if the word even means anything anymore. But it's important, still. It never stopped being important, right...?]
I thought... I couldn't think straight, I couldn't keep it together, I just... I thought I was doing it for you... to free you from... all this. That if all you had was me, you were better off with- with nothing. That you could start over without me dragging you down. It's like I forgot everything you'd ever told me just long enough to...
[Long enough to say the one sentence he'd have regretted forever, had it worked.]
...but... when I stopped? When I realized I was still alive? I remembered it all. And I knew what a mistake I'd made...
[Action, October 26th]
He has no idea, does he? Even after remembering all the things Teddy said - He has no idea just how much worse he'd be if Billy left his life, does he? The thought makes tears line his eyes, the thought of being left with nothing. It'd be like the only light in his life going out, leaving only darkness to crush around him.
When he opens his eyes again, just barely, enough to see the blurry image of Billy's lips, he just - he has to ask, he has to make sure...]
Do you... still think that way? That I'd be better off with - with nothing?
[Action, October 26th]
It's enough.]
...Sometimes... [His breath catches, and he swallows, eyes clenching.] Sometimes I think... you'd be better off without... me. You wouldn't have nothing, you've got Kate, and Tommy, and Ororo, and Katniss,and Cap, and Mia, and... there's so many people who care about you, Teddy. People who aren't me.
[People who don't hurt you like I do.
People who are alive, and whole, and themselves.]
But... I know it's just... it fades. It fades, it goes away, and I remember again. I think about moments like this, or- or the first time I brought it up, how scared you were... and how scared I was, when I thought about dying. I remember how I felt, after I tried, how I was... I was so glad it didn't work. I remember how much I wanted to be alive...
[Action, October 26th]
Before this all happened, I was going to ask you to...
... But you wouldn't want that, would you? Especially not now.
Teddy stares ahead for a moment, just watching Billy's lips move as he speaks, feeling a hitch in his own breath over how Billy just doesn't understand how much he means to Teddy. He thought...
He thought this would be forever... He thought for sure Billy knew...
But he shuts his eyes, not even caring about the two tears that drop down to their hands. He's hiding so many things, and he's just... so tired of it. He hates trying to hide everything, he hates it.]
I want you alive, too. You have no idea how much, Billy... I know that you don't think about how other people feel when you're in a... a state like that. Believe me, I know.
[How many times had he thought about it in the past? Brief little thoughts that he never followed through on, but never took into account how other people would feel. How many times did he think, if I wanted to, how could I even get past my healing thing...?]
I'm glad it didn't work. I'm glad you know how much you want to be alive... [He opens his eyes again, twisting his hand free of Billy's to brush against his cheek instead.] It's... going to get better, okay? This thing you have - it's not forever. I know it's hard, but... that's why I'm here beside you. You're not alone in this. You've got me, Billy, and... I wouldn't be better off without you. I want you here... I want you to keep remember what it's like, wanting to be alive. Please...
[Action, October 26th]
It was wonderful. All of it, every moment they spent together, whether they were fighting for their lives or reading Batman punch faces or pulling one another's clothes off. They'd fallen in love and... it was wonderful.
"They say that falling in love is wonderful..."
He makes a brief, quiet humming noise to acknowledge Teddy's words, letting them repeat themselves in his own mind for a few moments longer. He wants to laugh at his own stupid head, full of geek quotes and song lyrics and book trivia and endless rambles. He wants to cry that the words "I want to die" are now in the middle of all that, coiled like a snake ready to bite and remind him of his own failures without warning. He loves the words Teddy speaks but hates the reason he had to say them.
That's... this whole month in a nutshell, really. And god, has it really been that long already? A month since they were taken... a month since everything they knew and loved was ruined, leaving this. Only this.
I'm glad you're with me...
I'm glad it's you.
He lifts his hand to press it over Teddy's, slowly forcing his eyes open to meet those beautiful blue eyes - blue again, he hadn't noticed before, they'd been green when he left, and he's so glad to see them blue now - and tries, tries to smile again.]
I remember. As long as you're with me... as long as you want me here... I'll remember. And if- if I ever-
[He falters, biting hard on his lower lip, then grits his teeth and tries again. This... this is important, too.]
If I ever feel like that again... if I think I...
[Just breathe. Just say it. Believe in him. He believes in you.]
...I'll come to you. I'll ask for help. I won't... let myself be alone. Because I don't want to leave you alone, either...
[If you still want me, then... even if it's just a little bit... even if I can't always see it... I'll be better than nothing.
For you.
Until I can believe it on my own again...]
[Action, October 26th]
[Teddy touches their noses together briefly, the tension in his brow and jaw making it evident just how hard it is to hear that, too. He's not used to this. He's not used to being with someone who thinks so lowly of themselves that they need reminders that they're loved, they're needed, they need to stay alive. It's hard, wondering if he's loving Billy enough, if Billy just isn't seeing it... It's hard seeing the person he loves most not believe him when he says that he's the most important thing in his life.
But it must be hard for Billy, too. Especially with that thing weighing down on his mind. And this is just... another hurdle they need to get over. Teddy isn't about to let something like this beat them, when they... when they could beat anything. Now it seems like this thing is making Billy feel like he's losing, and Teddy feels like he's losing Billy.
It's why this revelation is so important to Billy, to the both of them. That he wants to live, that his spell didn't work because he loved to live, loved being with... with Teddy. Teddy knows this, and he's absolutely willing to do what he can, shift his lifestyle, be more mindful, whatever, as long as he can support Billy in what he's going through. As long as he can help Billy pull himself back up...]
I'll help you. I'm not going to let this beat us, okay? [He tries, tries to smile, too.] Hey... we fought time traveling. We fought aliens. We can fight this, too.
[Action, October 26th]
He's stronger with Teddy on his side. And this way, Teddy won't get any unpleasant surprises later if he... has another bad moment.
He really, really hopes he doesn't, though. He's had enough of that.]
Yeah... we'll be okay. I want to believe in that... in us.