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[IC] Appointments Post
Feel free to use this post for random threads, backtagging or forwardtagging, whatever.
It can be Written, Action, Voice, or just a quick call on the journal system for whatever reason.
When you tag, please put a [Style, Date] in the subject line to start it out, eg.:
[Action, January 1st]
Thanks!
[Action, October 25th]
What did I do to you? He wants to ask. Why did you do that? Why do you keep breaking the promises we made? Why did you think showing me my dead mom was okay?
...
Am I really so unwanted by you?
He glances to the side, then down at the floor, lips pursed as he pushes those thoughts aside. He has so many questions, and he's not in the mood to want to ask anything else. But he can't possibly ask those... They would upset Billy more, possibly send him right back to the window and staring at nothing.
A pillar, that's what he needs to be. Even if he presents it in a crumbled state, he needs to be something. Something that isn't him.]
... They're gone now?
[Action, October 25th]
I'd be worse. So much worse.
He still doesn't hate me, does he.]
...They're gone. I won't do that again.
[He doesn't promise. He knows better than to promise again. But swallowing back his fear, he leans forward briefly, patting the carpet in front of him, his gaze pleading and expecting a refusal. Still, he has to try.]
Will you sit with me for a minute? Just a minute...
[I won't force you to stay if you don't want to be here.]
[Action, October 25th]
But as he stands there, he sees Billy's eyes, and even though his thoughts on what they mean conflict, pleading wins out. And - When has this ever happened? Ever since Billy's been possessed, he hasn't asked anything like that before. Sit with him for just a minute...
His better nature and the ever hopeless love he feels takes over his need to get away. So finally, after looking at the spot for a moment, his body relaxes enough to get him to move, not away and towards the door, but to the spot where Billy indicated he should be. There he sits, knees bent and hands on top of them, eyes away for a second before he glances at Billy.
He's here.]
[Action, October 25th]
or he does and he’s not saying
In, out. In, out.
He’ll do this anyway, whether he's hated or not. He'll do this because he needs to. Because Teddy deserves it.]
...I’m sorry. And that- I know it doesn't even begin to cover what I just did, doesn't even come close. I don’t know what could do that. I’m afraid to ask.
[I'm afraid of a lot of things these days.
I don't want to be afraid of you.
I don't want you to be afraid of me.]
What I do know is that... I’m done making promises. I keep breaking them, and that’s not fair. It’s just making it worse... for everyone. So I'll stop.
[He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath - in, out, in - his hands clasped together so tightly his knuckles have gone white.]
What I'm doing to you... what you're letting me do to you... it's not healthy. It's not fair. I'm hurting you over and over and half the time I don't even...
[His breath catches, and he lifts a hand to cover his mouth, looking up at the ceiling to focus on it instead of Teddy's face, taking a moment to compose himself before he breaks down again. He can't do that, not now. How he feels is nothing compared to how Teddy must be feeling. It's not about him anymore. It's about making things right.
even if you can't
even if you never-
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
just keep trying]
You should- I mean- I should go. Be somewhere else. Somewhere I can't hurt you, or anyone else. I hate this, I hate that I can't control it, I hate...
[I hate me...
I don't want to go...
He shudders, glancing at Teddy once more, and his eyes are so brown.]
Will you walk me to the tunnels?
[I don't want to go.
But it's better than driving you to leave me...]
[Action, October 25th]
why not, you're not the one he wants
But then the real question comes, and while it doesn't make Teddy relax, it does ease some of the anxiety. He's not asking to leave their relationship or anything... Okay.
That still leaves the problem of the fact that Billy just asked to go to the tunnels, and while that would turn his magic off - it's still the tunnels, dark and lonely and sure to be cold, what with the weather. Both of them are always eager to get out of there when they have to walk through it, so the thought of forcing Billy to stay down there just because he can't control himself right now is - it's not right to Teddy, even if it is a good decision.
He frowns, sets his jaw, and scoots forward a bit to be closer, then reaches out to place his hands against Billy's knees. He can see how much the thought of going down there distresses him (but is it really distress?), and Teddy isn't about to let this happen.]
I will, but only if you let me stay with you until this thing is over. I'm not leaving you, Billy. I promised you that, and I don't plan on breaking it. You know as well as I do that you can't talk me out of staying.
[After a small pause, and a bit of thought, he lets his thumbs stroke as he tilts his head.]
Besides, how are we supposed to tell when it's over down there? I'm not saying it's not a good idea to think of ways to fix this. I just don't agree with you making yourself a prisoner.
[Action, October 25th]
but it's what you wanted
His hands tighten again, a tremor passing through his body, and he gnaws gently on his lower lip, eyes darting off to the side. He doesn't understand. He doesn't- he'd given Teddy an out, an escape, a way to be free of the awfulness that's surrounded him the last three weeks, but he still...]
...Why?
[His reply is faint, strained and incredulous. It's not right. It can't be right. Why would anyone...?]
Haven't I done enough to you already?
[Why would you want to risk me doing something worse?]
[Action, October 25th]
Just stop, you've done enough already...
But hearing Billy out, seeing all the emotion in his eyes, which are clearer than he's seen them since this whole mess started, knowing how far he'd go to stop all this... Yes, he's still a little angry, still disturbed from what happened, and he feels like he's on the brink of crying over it again. But that's still no reason to treat the person he loves like a prisoner. And Billy had said so himself, right?
"- and half the time I don't even..."
He leans forward to look Billy in the eyes, his hands moving up to hold him by the elbows instead.]
Did you want to do those things to me?
[Action, October 25th]
[He bows his head, blinking back tears that are getting harder and harder to fight, half-flinching at the touch- not because he doesn't want it, but because he does, and all of his wants are so harmful these days, and he can't hurt Teddy again, he can't. Touching Teddy could get him hurt, but pulling away... would that be worse?
He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything anymore.]
I want you to be happy... I want you to smile... I just... I keep doing everything all wrong... that's why I...
[I should stay away. Away from everyone, away from the town, away from you.
Just leave me there. I don't have to come out. I don't deserve to.]
Bad guys belong in prison, Teddy...
[Action, October 25th]
[And he could easily... easily smile and be happy. Teddy knows what he looks like when he smiles. He knows his mannerisms when he's happy. He could do it, it'd be so easy.
Right now, though, he doubts it'd be any help. It'd just make Billy feel worse, he's sure.]
Billy... I won't be happy if you're in a prison. I sure as hell won't smile. I'll be happy when this is over... and how can you tell it's over when you're in a place that's suppressing everything?
[He does finally let go, if only to lean back and pick at the carpet, a small frown on his face, thinking back to how the weeks have gone by.]
You might not notice it, Billy, but you've been getting better. You've been... you more times than a couple weeks ago. I think you do fight it, even if you don't feel it happening. It's just... sometimes it overwhelms you, right? And you feel like the only way to make it go away is to do something to yourself, too.
[He shuts his eyes and shakes his head.] I don't... think it's that easy. It's something they did to you, when you... when they... [The image pops into his head, the image of Billy slumped forward, the sound of the monitor letting out a long beep, and how he was so, so still... and Teddy tenses in spite of himself.] Y-You can't fight it if you're down there alone. Not if you don't want them to win.
[He makes himself relax, then glances up at Billy again.]
If they made Wanda, or... If they made me go crazy and stay crazy, would you throw me in a prison, even if I didn't want to hurt anyone? Do you think I should be treated like some kind of monster, even though I couldn't help anything I was doing? How would you want me to be treated?
[Action, October 25th]
[God. Oh god, he'd be just as stubborn about it, wouldn't he? He'd fight, he'd argue, he'd protect Teddy as best as he could from anything, anyone that threatened him, even his own mind. He thinks back to all the times he'd stuck by Teddy and supported him through this and that, the way Teddy was supporting him now, and had done so in the past as well. How he'd felt no fear when Teddy touched him in either form, with super-strength, even knowing that Teddy could hurt him with barely a twitch the wrong way. He'd stayed through his identity crisis, and...
...and the death of his mother...
A lump forms in Billy's throat, thick and heavy, and he swallows it with a stricken expression on his face, unable to look Teddy in the eyes anymore. He'd done that. He'd killed her all over again.
And he's still here.]
I'd feel... exactly the same.
[But it isn't you. It's me. It's me and I've done so much already, and I know I have the power left to do so much more... why risk it? Just for me?
Why am I still worth it, to you?
He doesn't dare ask. Not with Teddy looking at him like that.]
...but... then... what should I do...?
[Action, October 25th]
Third... [Teddy reaches out again, this time to take Billy's hands, his eyes on them while they show something like a tinge of sadness.] Don't just assume there's an easy way to solve a problem, or to make someone happy. Sometimes, these things take time. Sometimes it's hard. I know you were used to fixing things with a wave of your hand for a while... but I think you're starting to get that life isn't that easy. Sometimes you can't fix it.
I think if you accept all that... it'll be easier to beat out that thing in your head telling you to do all these things. [He raises his brow, his grip tightening a little.] Okay?
[Action, October 25th]
Sometimes you can't fix it. He wonders, quietly, what that means for him, though he's sure that wasn't Teddy's intent. Maybe he can't be fixed, either. Maybe he can't get better. Maybe all of this is a waste.
...but...
Slowly, hesitantly, he lets his eyes drift upwards, seeking Teddy's once more. He's so sad, but... so determined, too. So strong. After this. After everything. His grip is strong, and his voice, and his words, and...
...and Billy had seen, for the first time in a long while, a hidden fragility there, signs of a wall of strength being chipped away, bit by bit. By him, by what he's become.
That. That... is what he needs to fix. The part of Teddy that he's breaking, a little more every day. And he needs to be strong enough to make it better.
These things take time.
It'll be hard.
...but...
I can fix it, can't I...?
Silently, he adds it to his list. Pushed right to the top, circled, underlined, highlighted. With a footnote. Slowly.
And out loud, he murmurs:]
...Okay.
[Action, October 25th]
[Teddy bows his head and lets out a long sigh, shoulders relaxing. This is better than Billy saying he should lock him away and never turn back, that someone should kill him... everything that makes Teddy's stress only build more, and he's not sure how long he'll last until he snaps or breaks down or whatever.
At least he already let everything out in the restroom. That helped a little, even if he feels weaker for it.
And he'll stay. Maybe he can talk to someone over the journals, but - he'll stay. For Billy's sake, for his own sake. Because he loves him, still loves him beyond a shadow of a doubt, and he is not going to let a possession ruin the one thing he has left, the person he loves more than anything else in the world.
He's not leaving.
He promised.]
[Action, October 26th]
He's not better, he knows. He can still feel the difference, the presence of something overwhelmingly powerful, too much for even a reality bender to handle. But it's... settled, for now. And he finds that he likes it that way.
He's still keeping himself very much isolated, besides Teddy, but he doesn't feel the same discomfort when he's left on his own. It sort of feels like, the more that time passes since he'd- since he'd re-learned how to value his own life, the more he develops his independence. He used to have a lot more of it, but... well, Teddy had said it best. These things take time.
And he is getting better.
Today, waiting for Teddy to come home in the early evening, Billy is tucked up on the sill of the open window in his room, one foot braced against the side to keep him balanced, the other dangling over the edge. He's watching the sunset, and whenever he hears it, he whistles an echo of a bird calling from one of the taller trees beside the building. Misty is curled up around a little blanket on the bedside table he'd moved over to the window to help him climb up, since his arm still isn't one hundred percent, and he has one hand buried in her fur, scratching just the way she likes it, judging by the way she purrs.
It's... peaceful. Calm. Like everything's normal, everything's great.
Another good day.]
[Action, October 26th]
He considers it a good thing that he can easily shift out signs of this, even though he feels a bit like he's dead on his feet. More often than not, he dozed off on the bench he sat on, or at the fountain's edge, with Optimus licking at his face to wake him up. His dog is an active one, and he hadn't been on a walk in far too long. It was showing, and Teddy wanted him to work it off. Really, OP did most of the work by playing on his own while Teddy kept taking power naps, only to be woken when the dog got lonely and unsettled by the lack of activity.
Finally, however, they're back at the apartment. Maybe Teddy can sleep on the couch again... Maybe, if it was a good day for Billy which, when he left, it seemed to be. He talked more, actually acknowledge that Teddy was leaving and would be back. Looked at him. Teddy's eyes were green at the time.
They're blue now, having not found the energy to keep up with both keeping the fatigue off his face and shifting colors and shapes. So he looks normal as he unlocks the door and walks in, Optimus already trotting inside with a wagging tail.]
Hey, I'm... [He trails off when he sees Billy on the windowsill, yet it's different from before. Billy's too far outside the window, one leg dangling, the other on the sill, and just a tilt to one side could make him fall, and with him saying he wasn't going to use magic, he - what if he - ]
Billy? [Teddy tries not to sound panicked when he moves to the window, one hand reaching out to hold Billy by the arm of his hoodie when he's close enough. At least - At least if he fell, he could be caught, and god, what if he was trying to - ]
[Action, October 26th]
Wh-what? What did I do?
[His gaze darts around the room, searching for any signs that something was wrong. Had he accidentally cast another spell? Oh god, what mess has he caused this time?]
[Action, October 26th]
[Teddy had taken a step forward and wrapped his free arm around Billy's waist so that he could fall against him instead of the floor, and from there, he looks down at Billy's face, then at the windowsill, where he could've easily tumbled to the other side and...]
You were... [But when he says it in his head, "too close to the edge", it sounds... so dumb. And with how confused Billy looks (is that it?), he's sure he got it wrong. So, Teddy narrows his eyes and looks to the side, all kinds of things running through his head - idiot stupid dumbass you made a big deal out of nothing.] We're... high up, so...
[Action, October 26th]
...oh.
He purses his lips, lifting his hand to rest on Teddy's chest, and uses the support to carefully pull his leg back into the room, sliding off the windowsill and dropping down onto the carpeted floor, bare feet firmly planted. He looks down, not quite sure how to feel about the exchange.]
...I wouldn't... have jumped.
[Action, October 26th]
[Teddy waits until Billy has both feet on the floor and is balanced until he lets go and steps back, still keeping his gaze away. Good going, now he thinks you don't have any faith in him.]
Sorry. I'll go see if OP's...
[He's not even sure how to finish that. Doing what? Nevertheless, he looks back to see if he can find the dog. Considering there's no sign, it looks like he probably went to find Misty.
Dammit. Scared the animals, too. Idiot.]
[Action, October 26th]
But he's worried. He's worried, and he shouldn't be. He's worried because he doesn't know... what I know.]
He's fine.
[His voice is hushed, but it gets stronger as he looks up, giving Teddy's shirt a light tug.]
They'll both be fine. Stay? I... need to tell you something.
[Action, October 26th]
What, that you don't need to worry, that you're overreacting, being paranoid?
And Teddy is paranoid, ever since Billy talked so freely about wanting someone to kill him and not seeming to see what was so wrong with it, since his mother disappeared in front of his eyes again...
He lets out a sigh through his nose, grips his elbows as if to brace himself for something, and nods, glancing at the window.]
Yeah... okay.
[It'd be so much better to find his "kids", go play with them and forget about the stresses of the day(s). But, again, it's not often (lately) that Billy says something like that to him, so it must be important.
Or awful, like what he said last time this happened.]
[Action, October 26th] I feel like I should TW this entire thread
Only once that happens does he speak again, weaving his fingers carefully through Teddy's to give him a focus beyond his own words.]
I'm not... going to kill myself. Or try to get anyone else to do it. You want to know how I'm so sure of that?
[Action, October 26th] TW mode ON
He sounds so sure of the opposite right now, even seems calm about it. When did this happen? When...
With those thoughts in mind, Teddy stays silent for a moment, though his fingers do curl around Billy's. It's - It feels good, having Billy initiate touch, rather than Teddy doing so. It's such a simple touch, yet Teddy revels in it, and it's what pulls him back to look at their hands, then up at Billy's face.
He doesn't say a word, and he's pretty sure he doesn't have to. Just the way he looks at him, and gives a slow nod, is enough to how that yes, he wants to know.]
[Action, October 26th]
take it slow]
I'm going to tell you something. And- and you won't like it, at first. But you have to hear me out. You have to listen to me explain. When I'm done, you... you can do or say whatever you need. But just... listen first. I need you to do that.
[His hands are tense against Teddy's, almost shaking, so afraid of ruining this glimmer of calm in the middle of the mess they're in. He has to. They both need this, he knows. It'll get better. It made him so much better.
he won't see it
make him understand, idiot]
[Action, October 26th]
But Billy hasn't even said what he wanted to say yet. Maybe he's just being paranoid, maybe he's looking too deeply, maybe - Whatever, Billy's already scared, and Teddy doesn't want him to be scared of him or how he might react, ever.
Despite his own growing fear, Teddy strokes his thumbs against Billy's hands, trying to soothe him from whatever's shaking him. He tries not to let his worries show on his face, but he can't help the frown, as if his suspicion is buried under denial.]
... Billy, what are you talking about?
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