selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[The tone strikes a chord in Billy, sharp and severe and half-panicked; his breath hitches, his grip tightening, and he's stunned silent for a long moment.

It's just the quote. It's the quote, right? Teddy's not- he's not really- he doesn't think-

but why wouldn't he

God, let him do just one thing right today. Just try.]

S... so was I.

[Before Billy speaks, Teddy lifts his eyes and straightens, jaw clenched, but otherwise looking ahead and normal. In his mind, however, the whispers return; idiot, idiot, you worried him, you're not supposed to do that, you're supposed to be strong and brave and always there for him, this is why he wanted that other you, why you'll never be good enough, never for him, never -

"S... So was I."

The whispers break, and he looks down at Billy for a moment while his jaw slacks. Was... he being serious? Or was he just finishing the quote? Teddy only just then notices the way Billy's gripping his hand, the way he looks at him, and -

You did worry him, idiot

But he said that... like he meant it. Teddy clutches onto that, and he leans in to bump his temple against Billy's, briefly. He wants to stop and ask if he really was serious about that. He wants to just touch their foreheads together and shut his eyes and not move for a while.

But this is enough, and he can't ask too much. He already did too much.]

... I think "Teddy the Brave" sounds kind of dumb, but okay.

...Sometimes... what's dumb is also true. At least... I think so.

[He's brave. He's so brave and strong for doing this, for fighting Billy, coaxing him back to reality, then standing by his side all this time when it didn't entirely work. Billy doesn't know how he can be as strong as he is... only that he's so, so lucky to have this support. He just wishes he wasn't so out of it most of the time, that his head was screwed on properly so he could actually show it.

It makes these moments, the moments where he recognizes it and can try to express those lost and pent-up feelings, even more important.]

[This is one of the few times Billy had said something like that. Teddy always wants to reach out and cling to those moments, those times when Billy seems to indicate that it really is him that he loves, not the face of the ideal he could have. He's calling him brave, and he's doing his best... And Teddy hates himself for the whispers that keep spinning round and round in his head, jeering and dragging him down and making these little shifts in his body necessary.

But maybe he can believe a little. Because these moments are so few, so precious, that maybe he's allowed to hold on to them.

It's why Teddy keeps their heads together, even if he doesn't respond. When he does lift his head away, he tilts it upward to gesture ahead of them.]

There's the village.

[The moment of calm is broken in three simple words, and Billy reluctantly draws back and away from Teddy's touch, lifting his free hand to tug the hood back into place, further concealing his face from view. It's better. Safer. Even if he misses the touch like burning he feels like if even just one person sees his face out in the open it'll be like the spell's started all over again. Things are different, he knows - he's with the real Teddy now, and no more magic - but that doesn't make it okay. Doesn't make it safe.

There's the village.

He definitely feels like he's walking into Mordor.]

[Teddy tightens his grip as he walks onward, knowing that this would be another hurdle to get over. A few of these people were the ones who were affected, after all, though he hasn't seen much of them. He hopes they're not out today, either; just one glimpse and Billy might just try fleeing, go straight back to that room and to that window...]

There aren't a lot of people out today. [There's never a lot of people out. Not compared to New York, at least, and it always feels a little strange.] Probably too cold right now. It's not that long of a walk from here, anyway. [Just down the path, across the bridge, and turning a corner. They don't even have to go through the plaza or anything.]

[For a long moment, Billy keeps his hand on the hood, holding it in place, almost blocking his face entirely with its position - not so far that he can't see where he's going, but close. Even if they're traveling through a secluded area, the fact that they're in the village proper now just cements his fear in place. He probably won't be able to relax again until they hit the apartment.]

That's... that's good. I don't think anyone would want to see me, anyway.

[And honestly? He hopes that's the case, self-deprecating as it sounds.]

You never know.

[He leaves it at that, because he's pretty sure Billy won't believe his words. Right now, he reminds Teddy of those prisoners you see on TV, the ones that are transferred somewhere and try to hide their face from the camera as much as possible, whether with their hands, their shirt, or whatever. The image makes him want to wince, because Billy's been acting an awful lot like that for the past week. Like he's a prisoner in his own mind, placing himself under arrest and confined in the clinic.

At least they're moving. At least they're in sunlight, and soon, they'll be home. He does nod to anyone who notices him, but otherwise, he doesn't call attention to them. Just leads the way, until the apartment building is in sight.]

[Only once they finally reach the building does Billy regain any semblance of himself, a bit of lift to his shoulders, letting the hood go, though it does stay up for the moment. It's sad when simply not holding something in place to hide himself is a step up, but it is what it is. And once the door shuts behind them, Billy gazes up the stairs, then looks back at Teddy, a sliver of a smile appearing beneath shadowed eyes. In the dark, the way they're not glowing, they might almost look normal.]

Last chance to... take me to the tunnels and throw me in until this wears off.

[He's not sure if he's serious or teasing. He knows which one he'd prefer. And he knows which one Teddy would.]

[Almost. And the tease, as Teddy likes to think that it is a tease, isn't really that funny, considering how awful the tunnels are and how it makes the both of them feel on their good days. He glances at Billy, eyebrows raising slightly, and with Billy looking at him now, he might notice how Teddy's hair, at the roots, is just slightly darker than the rest of it.]

Nope. No throwing you anywhere.

[He looks up at the stairs, takes in a breath for himself, and moves forward.]

[Billy's eyes drift up briefly to the hair - when had that changed? Why was it like that? - but before he can move or even think to comment on it, they're moving. Or rather, Teddy's moving, and Billy has to kick himself into motion before he ends up getting pulled. Maybe Teddy doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe Teddy doesn't want him to notice. Maybe... maybe Teddy doesn't even know.

....

Well, he's got five flights of stairs to decide, at least. Pursing his lips and burrowing back into indecision as usual, he follows silently as he and Teddy climb the steps.]

[With Billy's eyes hooded, Teddy couldn't quite tell if he noticed the difference. He isn't sure if he wants to know the answer, either.

Did Billy... like that look? The slightly darker hair, the extra muscle; was that what he wanted? Teddy can't see himself, but going by what he thinks in his head, it seemed desirable enough. Something worth looking at. Something worthwhile -

Stop.

On about the fourth flight, Teddy looks back at Billy with a little smile.]

Almost there.

[Billy tenses again, suddenly uncertain; they're so close now, and he thought he'd be happy, but with Teddy shifting, and with the floor looming close, and the prospect of being at home with Teddy and the animals and what if the brave front drops and what if he can finally show how he feels and what if we can't do this anymore and then there's the shame, dark and constricting, because why wouldn't he want Teddy to be honest with him? Whatever ends up happening it's because he deserves it, after all. It's only fair, only right.

You tried to kill him. Nothing he could say or do can come close to balancing the scales of that.

Teddy's smiling, and between the build and the hair it's just- it's not right, all of it feels so wrong, and his hand starts to slip in Teddy's grasp as he hesitates. What if... what if he...?]

[Teddy slows down until he comes to a halt in the middle of the stairs. He tightens his grip, not wanting to let go of Billy's hand, but...

No, no, he can't give up now. He's so close, they're so close, the apartment is just right there, just a few more steps... If they can make it this far, then it'd be such a huge step they took. Anything but going back to that jail cell of a clinic room...]

... Billy?

[Billy remains frozen for a long moment, then takes a hesitant half-step back, his eyes darting over Teddy's body from top to bottom, searching, lingering here and there. Trying to find what is and isn't right.]

Are you Teddy?

[It's barely a whisper, frightened and uneasy, and his fingers twitch in Teddy's grasp.]

Is it still you?

[... Shit. Shit shit shit, he did too much, went too far, wasn't subtle enough, look what you're doing to him!

Teddy turns on the stair he's on, hair shifting back to normal and muscle tone decreasing to how he normally look, eyes wide and looking almost afraid as he takes Billy's hand in both of his own. Is - Is he doubting who he is? Does he think -

... Does he want the fake? Does he think of that as the real one?

No, focus.]

Yeah, it... it's me. [He squeezes Billy's hand, giving his hands something to do other than gesture and hold his own arms or something.] It's Teddy.

[But not the one you're looking for.

Shut up.]

Why, is... something wrong?

Edited 2013-10-23 04:17 (UTC)

["Is something wrong", he asks. Billy feels like screaming. What isn't wrong? This panic he's feeling over going back to their place, the fact that Teddy's inexplicably changing, the incredible mess his magic has caused for everyone he loves and cares about, scars around necks (physical or - in Teddy's case - memetic). Lifeless hospital rooms and watching the world through a dusty window, burrowing in soft red hoodies to hide from the world instead of just cold.

Teddy, looking at him like that, telling him who he is, asking if something is wrong.

A muffled, broken sound escapes his lips, a cry or a whimper or something not altogether human, and he wriggles his hand free of Teddy's to reach both of them up to Teddy's face instead. He touches the hair, searching for the unfamiliar dark strands. When he finds none he lets his hands drop to Teddy's shoulders instead, feeling his muscles, following the contours down each arm. Familiar. It's familiar, skin and bone and muscle and structure that he's felt a hundred times before. Better. So much better.

You drove him to this. Whatever he's doing, it's your fault.

Shuddering, because of that lingering fear and because of relief, now, he stops his examination when he reaches Teddy's hands again, fingers curling hesitantly around his thumbs, like he's not sure if he has permission again- like his doubts broke the chance he'd been given. He bows his head, ashamed, hovering just an inch away from Teddy's chest.]

...Sorry... I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm so...

Edited 2013-10-23 04:45 (UTC)

[Teddy doesn't hesitate - He leans forward just slightly, enough to let Billy's forehead bump against his chest, and he rests his chin on top of his head. Unseen to Billy, however, is how Teddy glances at the wall, uncertainties and doubts attacking him again.

He isn't sure if it's because of the possession, the way he himself isn't sure of the way he reads things anymore, or both. He doesn't know what to make of what Billy just did; a part of him read relief, the other loss, and he doesn't know which to follow anymore, what to trust anymore. Doubt and sureness are split two ways, and they're separating to the point were he can't hold on to the edges anymore.

But he refuses to allow Billy to see it. They're so close to the apartment, and he doesn't want to scare him off because of his own stupid uncertainty. What Billy's going through right now - he needs to take care of that first. He'll do something about himself later, when things are stable enough to be able to take a little break.

So right now, he remains at a loss for himself. But he brings his eyes ahead again, and he lowers his nose to brush against Billy's hair.]

If you want to keep doing that, let's get off the staircase. It's not far now.

[Billy stirs at the light nudge against his head, slowly regaining the courage to look up thanks to Teddy's touch. If he hadn't gotten that, then- what would he have-

No. He won't think about that. He has Teddy's support, his touch. He's okay. He'll be okay. He'll probably be okay.

....

It's not far. He'll focus on that for now.]

Okay... okay. Let's go...

[He just... needs some urging to get moving again.]

[If it's urging that Billy needs, he'll get it. Teddy moves their hands so that he can hold them again, and he gives Billy a little smile as he steps backwards, head turned to see where he's going.

Once they're on the fifth floor... Just a few more steps now. A bit down the hall, and they'll be there. As he walks, Teddy decides to talk, to give Billy something to think about other than what he's afraid of.]

Someday, we should sit down and rewatch Game of Thrones together. You've still got it on your laptop, right?

[Billy follows him without further encouragement required, step by step, slow but steady. He hesitates again when he foot touches the tile of their floor, but Teddy speaks up at the perfect time to distract him from his own miserable and paranoid thoughts. Game of Thrones, huh. That's always a good distraction.]

I think so... unless someone deleted it.

[And he honestly can't think of anyone who would. Not even Tommy as a prank, because he likes Game of Thrones, even if he pretends he doesn't.]

I don't know who would. Or who'd even touch our laptops. [Because that's pretty much a crime right there, especially for someone who doesn't like his possessions touched.

But at this point, they're close to their door. And from within, Teddy can hear whining and scratching on the door, and he immediately knows who it is.]

Hey, is that...

[Billy's gaze shifts to the door, and... there it is again, that wave of guilt, this time with a very different target in mind. They'd been gone two weeks now, and the week prior he'd been a horrible owner/parent, neglecting the animals or just simply ignoring them, leaving them to the doppleganger to care for, and they hadn't liked it at all. And really, how could he expect them to? It wasn't real. It wasn't Teddy. No amount of wishes or magic could ever have fixed that. They'd even sensed that something wasn't right about him, his mind or the magic he'd been exuding non-stop the entire time, but he'd been too preoccupied to care.

And now the prospect of facing them again, with that guilt in mind, is just as terrifying as leaving the clinic. The fact that they're animals, forgiving creatures by nature, doesn't help. If anything it makes it worse.

Suddenly fretful, rather than dwelling on it, he opts to try and focus on what little positivity he can garner from this- he tugs his hand free of Teddy's and gives him a little nudge, leaning against the wall instead to keep him from bolting outright. At least they can be happy to see Teddy, and Teddy deserves a reunion that isn't tainted by his mistakes. He tries, god he tries, to smile for him.]

Yeah... go ahead. They've missed you...

Hey... I'm sure they missed you too.

[But he doesn't force Billy to be a part of the reunion; he'll let the pets do it for him, if they're not turned off by the possession Billy still has. Teddy has missed them terribly though, and felt pretty awful for leaving them there in favor of being with Billy. He could've easily brought them to the clinic, let them be there for all of their sakes...

It's passed now, and that's not something he should be thinking about. They're here, and Teddy's already got a smile on his face when he unlocks the door and pushes it open, and he only barely gets it open when a large golden retriever wriggles through the space and is on him in an instant, weaving in and out of his legs and leaping up on him and kissing whatever part he can reach, whines and cries coming out in a constant stream.

The fake had no real smell. It wasn't Teddy, and that made Optimus Prime not want to be near it. Both he and Misty were wary of it and mostly struck out on their own, relying on neighbors who weren't affected or their own resources. For the past two weeks, Kate had taken care of them, something they were relieved to find. Kate was like an aunt, after all.

But now, Teddy's back, the real, human Teddy with a smell completely unlike Billy's, and Optimus can't seem to get off of him. He's so happy, and it makes Teddy kneel down as much as he can and wrap his arms around him, Optimus squirming in his grip to get a good go at his face.]

Ha ha, hey boy! Oh man, I've missed you too - H-Hey! [That is a really squirmy dog, man.

But at one point, he squirms so much that Optimus bails from Teddy's hold, and he actually leaps up on Billy's legs, too. He smells relatively normal, too, with a bit of the weird magic left over, but the normalness is enough to be just as happy that his papa is back, too. He goes back to Teddy soon enough, maybe with the thought that Misty, lingering in the doorway because that is a hyperactive big dog and she is a little cat who'd get trampled if she got in the way, might join in.]

[As soon as Optimus trots over to him and slams into his legs, Billy just about falls over, and it really is a good thing that he’d pressed up against the wall beforehand, so all he has to do is brace himself to avoid it. The dog bounces around, sniffing, jumping, tail wagging a mile a minute, and after a lengthy hesitation, Billy finally caves and slides down the wall to let Optimus greet him properly. Immediately he gets a face full of dog tongue, and he doesn’t even fight it, whether he likes getting licked or not - he just lets the dog go to town as much as he wants. Tentatively he lifts his hand to brush through Optimus’s fur, a slow tremble passing through his body. He’s not mad. He’s not even upset. He’s happy, loving, eager, welcoming. It’s nothing like Billy expected.

It’s… breathtaking. Can he just spend the rest of his life with Teddy and a bunch of animals and not deal with people ever again?

Things are a bit different when Optimus gets his fill of kisses and bounds back to Teddy, giving Billy a chance to straighten up and look towards Misty. The little cat is, apparently, much less forgiving, blinking balefully at her master before turning tail and sauntering back into the apartment. It’s fitting, Billy thinks, a bitter smile crossing his lips; animals are an awful lot like their owners, and he hasn’t forgiven himself, either. And cats have much longer memories than dogs when it comes to transgressions.

Well… one out of two isn’t bad, overall. It just sucks that the one he’d wanted the most to forgive him isn’t ready yet.

He glances over at Teddy and Optimus, at how happy and relieved they both seem. ...He wants that. He wants their family to return to normal. So, after another hesitant pause, he pushes off the wall and heads into the apartment after Misty. He won’t get anywhere if he doesn’t try.]

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