selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Billy does nothing for a moment, not wanting to jar the connection between their foreheads, but before long he nods his head rather than keep Teddy hanging for long.]

No... more magic.

[It's not exactly a promise, but as he pulls back to wipe a hand under his nose to check the blood, he looks sufficiently spooked that it's close enough.]

...sorry...

Mmm.

[He's not exactly saying that it's okay, because, well... It's not okay, none of this is okay, and Teddy can't lie that much. Still... He doesn't want to leave it at that.

Teddy leans forward a little, as if he wants to touch foreheads again, but then hesitates. Billy had stayed, stayed in his touch, so it's... Maybe it's okay. Or maybe he thought of the fake -

No, focus.

He doesn't touch foreheads, but he does brush his clean hand through Billy's hair until he gently touches the back of his neck, fingers resting against the collar of this shirt.]

Hey. We'll fix this.

[Billy nods hesitantly, closing his eyes and leaning unconsciously into the touch, craving more but unwilling to ask for it. Teddy was already giving him so much more than he'd ever expected, after what he'd done. He can't possibly make any demands of him, even if all he wants to do is curl up against his boyfriend and not move for days.

It's just... he feels like himself again, when Teddy's touching him. Grounded, stable, like those hands are his lifelines. He's lost without them, and just knowing they're there is...

He shudders, lifting a hand to curl his fingers around Teddy's arm, holding on to him. It's loose, as he's not holding Teddy in place, but it's... firm. Wanting. No- needing. Needing him there.]

I don't... know how...

Edited 2013-10-16 10:23 (UTC)

[When Billy's hand rested on his arm, Teddy thought that he was going to pull him away. It would've made sense; he touched a rather intimate place, and if Billy was caught up on - on the fake, then he, he -

But he didn't move his arm. It's more like he kept it there, and for a moment, Teddy stares down at his fingers. More than anything, Teddy just wants to sweep Billy into his arms and kiss him and revel in the fact that he's alive, they're both alive, and Teddy'd missed him so much -

But he just... doesn't know anymore. He has no idea what Billy wants from him. Taller? Broader? Skinnier? Shorter? More silent, like the fake was?

God, he hasn't been so unsure for... what? Two years now? But if Billy is keeping him there...

Everything that's bothering Teddy doesn't really matter in the face of Billy's uncertainty, and how lost he looks. So, Teddy wipes his other hand against his pants, then brushes his fingers against Billy's temple while he leans in again, pressing their foreheads together once more.

Billy needs this. Stable touches like this, an anchor, something grounding. And somewhere inside the storm of his own uncertainty, Teddy needs this, too.]

Then we'll figure out. That's what we do, right? We might not have the answer right away... but we will. We'll fix this.

I'm scared, Teddy...

[Billy shudders, letting his hand slide up to press over Teddy's, holding it against him, letting more tears slip down his cheeks, though he doesn't break down entirely this time. Crying is better than the alternatives, though, which are casting or sleeping (both of which he's done far too much of recently). Crying feels like a normal reaction, a way to feel, or rather, to let himself feel everything he's been forcibly burying under a mountain of false realities. Even if it's just for a little while, even if he knows it won't last, even if it hurts so badly it's like his heart and soul's being crushed, he wants it.

He can't hide from true reality forever, after all.

And Teddy's letting him do this. How could he ever, ever think to replace him? How could he ever believe that his magic, his imagination could recreate what was already perfect for him?

If I'd made him, he would have abandoned me for someone better a long time ago.

Teddy deserves someone who isn't so broken, doesn't he? of course he does. And it's not like he wants to be, but...]

...what if I can't come back from this?

[What if he loses his mind, what if his own magic or whatever's in his head beats him, what if he just- what if he chose to-

....

It's hard to imagine them coming out on top, here.]

You will.

[Teddy sounds so certain, and he really does have no doubt that Billy will beat this. This is a huge obstacle, it is, but he's seen Billy's goodness, his vitality and spirit; he's seen him beat out another spirit that possessed him, he's seen him beat the trauma that came from the Cube, he's seen him do all kinds of amazing things.

This is one huge hurdle, one that will take quite a bit of time to get over. But Teddy has nothing but faith in Billy's ability to beat this, as well.

He doesn't wipe his tears away, doesn't encourage him to stop. He figures Billy needs this as much as he needs to be touched and grounded. As much as he doesn't like to see him cry... It's something of a blessing right now. He simply strokes the tiny little hairs at the back of Billy's neck and keeps his other hand where it is.]

It might take a while... But you will. And if you ever need me, I'm always going to be right here. You just need to tell me if you do.

... I'll wait as long as it takes, you know.

[That makes Billy fall silent for a long moment, the only sound he makes a quiet sniffle once in a while. It isn't right. It isn't right at all.]

You... you shouldn't.

[It's muffled, very quiet, as if he's afraid to say it too loud, as if he's not sure if he wants Teddy to hear it at all. He can't seem to stop himself, though.]

You should just... no, I should...

[Just fade away. Just go. After what he did, how could he ever hope to make Teddy happy? Why would he want to force Teddy to take care of him like this for god-knows how long?]

What you should do is not finish what you were going to say.

[His fingers curl slightly against his neck; Teddy does not like where this is going already.]

I love you, Billy... And if you need help with this, I will, I promise. But I'm gonna need a little faith in me on your end... all right?

[Was there ever any faith in him after he showed what kind of stupid, freak of a person Teddy really - no, focus.]

It's not you I'm worried about.

[Billy seems to sink down into himself a little, shamefaced, fearful again. Teddy hadn't lost faith. Teddy hadn't given up. Teddy hadn't... he hadn't...]

I... didn't wait for you. How can I expect you to wait for me? Without even the same guarantee that I'll...

[Teddy hadn't even died. But Billy'd thought he had. He knew he'd be back in a week, and that hadn't stopped him from creating that- thing- that copy-]

[That... hurts, the notion that Billy wouldn't wait again. If Teddy was gone, or died here, or something, would Billy... move on that quickly? That's - It's not how Billy would normally act, he knows - knows that Billy is devoted and loyal.

It's just Teddy himself who is so worthless that Billy probably wants to leave

god, stop

His neck tenses again for an entirely different reason, and the hand at the back of Billy's neck goes still, eyes drifting downward. It's not that Teddy would ever lose faith, never ever, but would Billy lose it in him so fast?

If Teddy went crazy like this, would Billy be gone before he even knew it?

... No, he wouldn't. He'd be at his side and wait for him just like Teddy. He knows it, he knows it, and he has no idea why Billy's trying to brush that notion off.]

... Because I know you. [Except for the part where he didn't know how much Billy disliked - stop] And I know that if you didn't have this thing in you, and it happened to me instead... You'd be where I am now. You'd wait for me. This... thing isn't going to warp the fact that I know you, B.

[He wants to believe that. God, does he ever. He just can't believe in himself the way Teddy does. He doesn't deserve that faith Teddy has in him; he honestly can't think of a single thing he's done to earn it right now. Is it because of the thing inside him, whatever Teddy was talking about- that strange weight on his mind that pushes and crushes his comprehension of what he should or shouldn't do, what's right to say or show or feel? Or is it because he just- hasn't? Hasn't earned it... even after everything.

Too late to earn it now.]

You're not supposed to love someone who does horrible things to you... you're supposed to cut them out of your life. Move on. Let them be horrible all by themselves and find people who treat you like you deserve.

[He's not one of those people- not anymore.]

No, Billy...

[Teddy's voice softens, and he relaxes slightly. Despite all that he's confused and unsure about, despite how much a little voice in his head tells him he's not good enough, he's never good enough, he will never be good enough for Billy to want to be with, not now and certainly not forever like he hoped... Billy has still helped him more than he can say. Though he has to say it now.]

The only time you've ever done things like that was when you had something in your head. Outside of it? Billy... You've done so many good things for me. You gave me something to fight for. You treated me like no one else did. You treated me like a person, not some... accessory to make someone look good. You saw who I was underneath all the changing I've done and you... you thought I was - good, no matter what I thought. You're the reason why I asked to get field medicine training; if it weren't for you, I never would've done it. I'd be too... scared of myself.

You've done so many things for me... You've given me so much. You're my family. That person past whatever's got you is the one I fell in love with... and am still in love with today.

[He'd done all that?

It's hard to imagine it now- hard to visualize ever being able to help Teddy, with that or anything else. Not because of a lack of desire (there was nothing he wanted more, at this point) but because he just... couldn't. He wasn't capable. He'd inevitably fail and it would all end in tears. Maybe before, he was- maybe he could've been what Teddy needs now, but in this state...

He hates this. He hates that whatever's happened to him has reduced him to questioning himself, questioning reality, questioning... this. This, the arguably-best thing that's ever happened in his life. Teddy. And just because he loves him, Teddy expects to just... suffer quietly for it?

It's not fair. It's not fair. But he doesn't really have an argument against it, either- it's not like he wants to leave, or wants Teddy to leave him. But if this doesn't go away, if he can't win, if-

It's just the first day. But it hasn't, has it? It's been two weeks. Teddy said so. How long is long enough?

He tilts his head back, smacking it lightly against the headboard, frustrated. There's too many words in his head, too many thoughts and questions and protests, and he's unable to say any of them. Teddy won't want to hear it. Teddy won't believe him. Teddy won't leave him alone. He's crying again, and he can't figure out if it's out of joy or misery now.

I just don't want to be alone anymore...]

[Teddy isn't sure if his words got through to Billy or not. Teddy doesn't know a lot of things about this situation right now; this is a foe that he's not sure how to beat. Something invisible, something stuck in a place he can't get to. And it's affecting the one thing that's most important in Teddy's life, badly.

Just because he doesn't know what it is doesn't mean he'll give up. He'll watch, he'll learn. He'll share this with him, no matter how much Billy doesn't want him to. He'll be here to take his hand and help him stand up again. No matter what it takes.

He slides his hands down to take Billy's in his own, trying to give him a presence. Something solid, something to keep him there, while his gaze drifts down to watch their hands. He may not be able to watch Billy cry without wanting to brush his tears away, but - but he's here. He'll always be here.

You're not alone, B.]

[He's not alone.

It's that recognition - finally, finally, because he's felt alone for so long now - that sinks in enough to let him relax, and he doesn't speak for a long while, just indulges in the comfort of Teddy's touch. He'd been so afraid of touching anything in that reality, like it would fizzle and disperse under his hands, and that version of Teddy had- no, the fake had-

....it just... hadn't felt right. A part of him worries that he's just indulging another fantasy, but Teddy doesn't feel like a magical construct. His head is a mess, but he... thinks he can recognize this much.

God, he hopes so.

Eventually he stirs, like wandering out of a dream, and half-looks up, fixing his gaze on Teddy's chest. He's afraid to look up, but he wants to see Teddy, watch his chest rise and fall, make sure he's there and okay and breathing. Strong. Capable.

He'd need that. Because-]

Teddy, if I... if something happens... you have to stop me. You have to promise. If I go bad...

["Go bad". Like he's food in the grocery store, past the expiration date. Used to be good but now there's so much rotten mess inside. It sounds ridiculous and yet undeniably accurate at the same time.

If I'm broken, just throw me away-]

No.

[The grip around Billy's hands tighten slightly, not enough to hurt, even though Teddy had to stop himself from squeezing that much. He can't believe what his boyfriend is suggesting - stop him, if he goes bad? Like he should be beaten down and thrown away just because of something he can't control?

Asking him to use his own hands to take away the one thing he has left in his life? The person he loves with every fiber of his being?

If he's broken, Teddy will just kneel down and put him back together.]

I can't promise you that, Billy. If something happens, I'll do whatever it takes to bring you back. You are not going bad, don't say that...

[Yes I am, he wants to argue. I'm already bad, look what I did to everyone, to you, look what I'm still doing now-

But it's Teddy. He shouldn't expect that of Teddy. Teddy always protected him. Teddy would fight to save his life if he had to. The wound on his leg had proved it last time.]

Maybe- then-

[If Teddy couldn't do it, there were always others. Loki had promised before. And- his gaze drifts to his shoulder, realization dawning. He'd been shot. Someone had actually shot him. It hadn't been fatal, but- he could've bled out, right? If he hadn't stopped? So it was possible.

Something clicks in his mind, and suddenly, unexpectedly, he laughs, though the sound is choked and without humour. It's so perfect. He'd never really understood it until now, how it could feel, how it could be such a perfect and easy solution.]

Just- put a bullet to me- bullet in the brainpan, squish-

[The laughter that he hears is so startling that Teddy lets go of Billy's hands, and he's just about to ask what's going on when Billy says that.

He knows the quote - He knows the quote, but the fact that he used that, the way he's saying it and how he looks and what he's looking at, and -

Teddy can feel a white hot fear spread through his body like a whip crack, starting from the hole in his heart his mother left behind and shooting to his fingers and toes and back again, and before he even knows it, he's got his hands tight on Billy's shoulders, and for a moment he doesn't even realize that he's holding Billy's injury. All he can think is no, no, please, god, no -]

Billy!

[Mom!

His eyes are burning and his vision is blurring, but that doesn't matter, that doesn't matter, this here is all that matters.]

[Billy cries out quietly when Teddy grabs him, sudden pain lancing up and down his arm- since he'd been unconscious already they hadn't drugged him, but he hadn't even noticed that it hurt until that moment. In a sense, though, it's good; the sensation snaps him out of his daze, and he finally looks up at Teddy again, taking in the expression on his face. Oh.

Oh.]

[It's only when Billy looks at him that Teddy realizes the way he's holding him. As if Billy's shoulder caught fire, Teddy jerks his hand away, all sorts of things going through his head. You did it again, you used too much strength again, look at you, you're not good enough and you can't even hold yourself back properly, you're so stupid, how could you do that, he's your boyfriend, you're terrible -

But that soon fades into another mantra in his head, Billy saying that line over and over, the laughter before it, the expression on his face and his eyes - And Teddy closes his hand into a fist and ducks his head, taking in a quick and shuddering breath.]

Don't. Don't say that, please, don't... don't do this.

[Don't let someone take you away from me. Don't let yourself fade.

Don't go where I can't go.]

I can't... please, Billy...

[For a long moment, Billy does nothing, merely watches Teddy as he speaks, allowing the reaction to sink into the fog of his mind. He should have seen that coming, should have known Teddy wouldn't take it well. He should have waited. It's not like he needs anyone's help to do this- when his magic's cooperating again, it would be so easy to just...

iwanttodieiwanttodieiwanttodie

The thought frightens him, though; a fear of being gone, a fear of what he'd come back without (because that happens here, he has to remind himself, death is pointless and what if he lost something important as a result?), a fear of doing it and having Teddy walk in after and-

He doesn't want to imagine Teddy with that expression on his face again. Startled, frightened, heartbroken. It would be so much worse and he wouldn't even be there to make it go away.

You're so stupid. Why would you ever think that would be okay? Haven't you done enough to him?

Isn't he worth living for?

It's hard to reconcile the desire to free Teddy from the terrible burden of his presence with the knowledge that he's all Teddy has left, so finally he just... doesn't. He tentatively reaches out his good arm to weave his fingers through Teddy's hair, stroking gently, hoping to soothe him from his fears. He won't say that again. He won't go.

Maybe if Teddy wants him to be okay, to live, badly enough, he can start wanting it, too.]

Sorry... that wasn't funny.

[It doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel okay because he knows how Billy would react to this. He'd be stricken, cursing his foot-in-mouth syndrome and holding Teddy close and apologizing over and over and saying he'd never do it again.

This isn't even close, and, and, God, Teddy feels like he's losing him, like he's reaching out and can't get a grip, and Billy isn't reaching back, and why would he he doesn't love you anymore not like how he used to you're not worth staying for -

His own identity is unraveling, he's losing the person he loves the most - what else will he lose? How much more will he lose before it's enough? He doesn't have anything left to lose.

His breathing becomes more choked instead of settling down, and his body trembles, and he feels the heat behind his eyes give way to wet tracks down his face. He doesn't care if Billy sees, if the whole world saw him. The man Teddy knew and fell for is so far right now that reaching for him feels like holding his arm out across a river and calling for Billy to face him, and he isn't. It hurts so much to know that Billy's in a spot where he can't go, that he might walk away and be impossible to reach.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts oh god]

Teddy?

[Billy's voice is soft, hesitant, and he ducks his head to get a look at his face. That reaction is... not what he expected, though he doesn't know what he did expect if not this. Teddy's crying. He made Teddy cry. How often does that happen?

Teddy never cries.]

Teddy- Teddy, no-

[He shifts his hand to wind around to the back of Teddy's neck, pulling him into a one-armed hug, the best he can offer with the other arm still injured. He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't wanted it at all.]

Teddy, I'm sorry... don't cry, I'm really sorry... please...

[God, he's such a fool. All the power in the world and he can't keep his stupid mouth shut. He's still hurting Teddy even when he's trying his hardest not to.]

I won't... I won't do anything, I won't say anything, just please don't cry...

[How can he stop? Billy is right there holding him the best that he can and Teddy still feels more alone than he did when he was stuck in the dark, barely able to move. It's worse, he thinks. Touching and yet not touching. He wants to just scream and hit something, break something apart, let out everything he's been feeling, distress and terror and rage.

He's in that dark room again, and it's even worse, and he can't do anything except cry against Billy's shoulder, he can't, he can't, he's losing him, he -

Stop.

You're embarrassing him. He's pitying you.

Stop.

No, Billy's better than that... Stop saying that about him.

Still, it's enough to make Teddy try to stop himself. It's easy. A little shift in the eyes, and the tears are forcibly stopped. The nose, and it stops running, even if it's still clogged. The lips, and they rise until they're back to normal, and his throat, willing it to loosen, expand, allow breathing without creating a hiccuping noise, without making it so hard to do so.

He's okay.

He's not okay.

He has to be okay.]

[Billy feels a wave of guilty desperation, aching with how severe Teddy's reaction is to such an idle comment. He's stupid- he's so stupid- how could he ever-]

I'm sorry... Teddy... Teddy, please... I'm so sorry, please...

[He's trembling against the blond now, struggling to hold him, not sure what else to do but apologize endlessly. He wants to take it all back, pluck the words out of the air and out of Teddy's memory and put them all back in his head, unspoken, where they belong. But he can't. Even with a spell, he can't. He'd promised.

No more magic.

He sniffs, burying his face against Teddy's hair, murmuring his apologies over and over again. Please, please, please, Teddy...]

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