selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Unwilling - or unable - to answer, Billy struggles against him, though the fact that his own strength had waned over time while Teddy's had returned to him means that he's basically immobile. Even his free arm isn't of any help, still trapped in a sling and too wounded to move properly. Finally he slumps, watching the IV drip-drip-drip beside the bed before turning frightened eyes on Teddy, his voice quiet, carrying a slightly eerie lilt.]

I've been gone for longer than that, Teddy...

[Teddy turns his eyes up to him, too, seeing the fear in those pale blue depths, hearing the calm and eerie voice voice say something he already knew.

And he doesn't look away because he already knew, and Billy knows, too, somewhere in there. He doesn't resist this time; with one hand still gripping Billy's arm, the other rests against his cheek again as he leans forward, enough to touch their foreheads together.]

I know.

[He shuts his eyes, tries to pretend that Billy can hear him.]

I know.

I miss you.

[Billy falls silent in response to that, trembling against Teddy like his whole body is wracked with a fever, helpless and uncontrolled. It isn't right. It isn't- none of this is right at all.]

...Why?

[It's a harsh whisper, critical and laced with a degree of self-loathing he'd never hit before, not in all the time Teddy's known him.

After I... after what I...

It isn't right.]

[If it weren't for the fact that Billy needed an answer, Teddy would've thought for a good while about what that one whisper meant.

But Billy did need an answer, and Teddy couldn't let that amount of self-loathing go past him unchecked. So he lets go of his arm to have both hands on his cheeks, forehead nuzzling slightly against Billy's before he pulls back, daring to look into those eyes again.]

I miss you because I love you, Billy Kaplan.

I love you, even though you made a mistake. You did. I know that. And I know that deep down, you're suffering from it.

I know that you'll do whatever it takes to fix it, too. When you can. I'll be here to help you up, too.

And... even if you don't hear a word I say, B, just know one thing: I love you. I love you so much.

[Billy takes all of that in, silently mulling it over, his gaze downcast as if to avoid Teddy's scrutiny. It's so humbling, those words, the idea that despite all of this, despite everything, Teddy still feels that way. Still loves him. Even without knowing whether or not he is him anymore.

He wishes he could figure out what reality was supposed to be like. He used to know, it used to be so clear, but now... everything just seems to blur.

Teddy, though...

Teddy sounds so sure. And it takes a while, because he's so not, not at all, but he wants this. He wants to find himself again, for Teddy's sake.]

...I hear you.

[His voice is quiet, almost inaudible. A voice so low that only Teddy could hear it, and Billy knows it, at least subconsciously. It's meant for him.]

I don't... know what's gonna happen. I don't know what to do, or what to say, or...

[He trails off, the words escaping him, and his eyes dart around like he's looking for them, like he's actually watching them run away from him, leaving a trail of ellipses and thoughts he can't make sense of anymore. They were there, and then... not.

Like that reality. Not so perfect, it seemed. Not at all.]

...but I hear you... I do. I hear everything.

[He looks down again, but when he blinks, his eyes are half-brown, like whatever's sent him adrift in his own mind doesn't want him or Teddy to drown entirely.]

[Teddy lowers his own head, too, to see the transition from blue to that half-brown color. It gives him a bit of hope, just a burning little ember against the wick of a candle. He wants to believe that Billy will find himself enough now to pull himself back completely and show him those fully brown eyes again, and because of that want, he can feel that hope grow. And it hurts, because he just has this feeling that it won't last long.

He tries to push it to something else instead; Billy's words, rather than his eyes. He's still unsure of everything, and it sounds like he's... stuck between realities, or something. What's real and what isn't. And Teddy - Teddy's stuck in one, and he can't follow Billy to wherever he is. Just call and call and hope he makes it back to him someday.

But he can call. Billy hears him, everything he says... even if it doesn't quite reach him. He hears it.

He keeps his eyes on Billy's for as long as the brown remains, wishing so hard that they'd stay, but knowing they won't. He simply holds on for as long as he can, until Billy inevitably slips away again.]

Then... hear me when I say this, Billy.

I'll wait until you do know. Until you know what to do and what to say, I'll wait.

[Do you understand?

I'll wait as long as it takes for you.]

[A part of Billy doesn't want to hear those words; he hears them, it understands them, and it hurts, it hurts so much. He wants Teddy to get angry, to blame him, to accuse him of- the things he did. He can't remember them all very well right now, but he knows that he undeniably did them. Terrible things. And to Teddy, he'd...

It hurts. And he knows Teddy has every right to hate him right now.

He can't ask for it, though - would never - and Teddy seems less inclined to do it on his own, so after a long-suffering moment Billy just slumps, leaning forward until his forehead bumps against Teddy's chest, letting himself begin to tremble again. Tears fill his eyes, and he doesn't fight it, just lets it all go.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Teddy... I'm so sorry...

[While this means Teddy can't see Billy's eyes, he still wraps his arms around his torso, avoiding the shoulders due to his injury, and presses his nose to Billy's hair. As much as he wants to say that it's okay, it isn't, both he and Billy know that. To say so would just be to fill an empty void, a lie so obvious that neither of them would believe it.]

I'm sorry, too... I'm sorry...

[For not being there. For not stopping him sooner. For not being his... For not being everything that he wanted.

I could change a thousand things about myself if it meant making you happy...

But he can't say that. He's sure Billy is still lost, and he knows he wouldn't get a good answer if he did.

So he just holds him, stroking his back gently.]

[It takes Billy a few moments to actually comprehend the words, still buried in his own self-pity. When it clicks, he stirs, wiping his eyes against Teddy's shirt and lifting up. His eyes are still a bit brown, at least, and he looks confused more than anything.]

Why... are you sorry...?

... I'm sorry I wasn't here for you.

[Better than the alternative. Better to present this than something that could make or destroy him. And... Billy needs to know, too. What happened. He doesn't know what Billy thought happened to him... but he needs to hear it.]

They locked me in a cell for a week and let my healing take care of my wings. I didn't... know what they'd done to you after... after I woke up, and no one ever came by to do or say anything. I could barely even more for a while... I'm sorry...

[Billy goes deathly still and stiff in Teddy's grasp, horror rising swiftly in his expression. This is the first he'd heard of it. And- of course that's the case, this is the first he'd spoken to Teddy since they'd fought. But to hear that- to know that Teddy had been- and everything he did was- oh god, no, no, no-

He ducks his head, shoulders shaking, and it almost seems like he's crying again when the sound of muffled, unstable laughter can be heard.]

God... oh my god... so it was all for nothing...?

[... Teddy's never heard Billy laugh like that before, ever. It makes him stare at the wall, deep concern showing in his features when he pulls back, holds Billy's shoulders and tries to look at his eyes again.]

Billy, I don't understand.

[Billy shakes his head, not responding properly at first; he doesn't have the words to express what he's feeling right now. The laughter mercifully doesn't last long, and when he finally speaks up, he is crying, long, steady tracks dripping from his cheeks.]

I thought... you were dead... they cut your wings and there was so much blood, I just...

[Now it's Teddy's turn to go still, horrified by that particular revelation. Billy thought he was dead? All that time, he thought Teddy had died back there?

He looks down at the sheets, hands sliding down to Billy's elbows, his hold gentle as always with the injured arm. It's... understandable, Teddy had thought for sure that he was going to die when he realized what they were going to do, briefly thought he did die when he woke up in the cell. But Billy went back to the village thinking that way...

God. He remembers Billy dying for a few minutes, enough for Teddy to nearly break down the restraints, needing to be tranquilized again. Billy...

Teddy leans forward, just short of climbing onto the bed with his boyfriend. He wishes he could, but he still isn't sure if he even should.]

No... God, no, I wasn't dead! They didn't... [He takes in a deep breath; it's hard to talk about, even two weeks after it happened. Teddy just wants to clam up and not talk about it, let it bury itself into his mind and never be shared again. But...]

They didn't cut all the way. [His voice sounds a little shaky now.] It was at the base, but not past it. And they stopped the bleeding after you... left. After that, they just... left me alone. They only left one meal, and I couldn't even get to it for a while - it was like my entire body was numb for hours...

[He didn't even know how much time had passed. It was so dark in there, and there was no way to tell if it was day or night or if minutes or hours passed...]

[Billy ducks his head down even further than before, eyes clenching shut, one hand lifting to press against his forehead, grimacing like he's in pain or disoriented. He wants to help Teddy, wants to fix it all, make the problems vanish, make Teddy forget the horrible things he'd been through- just like-

....

But... he hadn't fixed anything. Not then, and not now, either. He can't just wave his hands and make these memories go away. Even if he wants it... what he wants has proven to be terrible and dangerous.]

I thought... I-I thought I could bring you back... I thought I could make everything right again... make a world where no one could hurt you again, I...

[But instead he'd created a construct of magic and memory, little more than an incomplete and empty shade. And all the while, Teddy had been alive and suffering.

His chest hurts, and his voice sounds strangled, nails digging unforgivingly into his scalp.]

I did that instead of trying to save you...

[Those nails won't dig for long, because Teddy lift his hand away easily, fingers moving to lace them through the spaces between Billy's, if only to keep his fingers to himself, or confined to Teddy's. This time, he does slide onto the bed, one arm sliding around Billy's waist while he brushes his lips against the spot where Billy was scraping. After some hesitation, that brush turns into a gentle kiss instead.]

It's like I told you earlier... you made a mistake. I know that, and you do, too. We all do crazy things when we think the... person we love is dead.

[How could Billy save him when he thought he was dead?]

I'm so sorry they did that to you... to us. But right now? All we can do is figure out what's next. Even if we don't know right now... I'll wait until we do.

[The unexpected embrace and the kiss to his temple makes Billy look up, his eyes drifting between blue and brown seemingly at random, as if moment by moment he's not sure of who he is or who he's supposed to be. Still, he seems to relax a little, though his brows furrow, his gaze skipping nervously between Teddy's face and the opposing wall. He's afraid, then calm, then frustrated, then grieving. Too many emotions to feel and no buffer to keep them at bay, no restraint to keep them to himself. He knows there's something seriously wrong with him. He knows that he should be acting very differently right now. How, though...

Well, if he knew, he'd do that. Fake it if possible, even though he's a lousy liar. Instead he slumps wearily against Teddy, trying to absorb some semblance of sanity through osmosis or something. It doesn't seem to be working.]

I shouldn't be here... I'm not safe to be around...

[...Lying would have been better, wouldn't it? He doesn't like how the truth sounds even when it comes out of his own mouth, and he goes tense at Teddy's side, his thoughts diving right into a mindless chant of "Idon'twanttogoIdon'twanttogoIdon'twanttogo"...

But what choice does he have? Why is he even allowed to live right now?]

[Teddy tries not to look too deeply into what Billy said, lest it makes an icy grip wrap itself around his heart. It's hard not to, though, and the mere indication makes that feeling happen anyway.

Rather, he tries not to dwell on it. He warps his arms around Billy's form, holding him against himself as if keeping him safe, hidden and protected from the world, and keeps his eyes on the wall.]

We can stay here for a while... or we can go home. Wherever you feel safest.

[And maybe... maybe, if they go home, the familiarity will help Billy a little. Maybe.]

[Billy lapses into another silence, glancing down. That... was that what he meant?

No...

Teddy should know better. He looks up, then leans in to rest his chin on Teddy's shoulder, gazing quizzically up at him. The hug is warm, comforting, and... not really anything he deserves, but if it makes Teddy feel better, it's fine.

He hopes it does.]

Not for me. For... everyone else.

[He's fine with being shot. It needed to happen- he needed to be stopped. He'd taken it too far. The rest of the village didn't deserve to be stuck with him when there's so much wrong with him.

Teddy, more than anyone, doesn't deserve it. But Billy's not sure he could tell him to leave, either.]

[Teddy's neck tenses slightly, though he's not sure if it's because of Billy's words or the fact that his shoulder's being touched. Probably a mix of both, his heart sinking more over the former than the latter. He's just come to accept that he's not quite as comfortable being touched so much right now.

He keeps his gaze on the wall, feeling Billy's eyes on him yet not able to meet them. It's what he thought, part of what he was fearing... And it makes the ice around his heart grip tighter, fingers closing around Billy's clothing. This is hitting a spot that he doesn't dare go towards, feeling it only in the rush of battle, when things start to get bad.

But there is no battle to focus on, save for the war in his own head.]

We've got the same options here. Stay here or go home. I left the clinic door unmarked, and not a lot of people just drop by our place. I don't mind either one.

...I should...

[Billy trails off, not sure of his own train of thought and derailing it awkwardly as he recognizes the tension of Teddy's body, feeling a wave of confusion because of it. He slowly slides his chin off of Teddy's shoulder again and pulls back a little, though he's trapped in the embrace and can't go far unless Teddy lets go. He doesn't understand, though- wasn't Teddy always comforted by touch? Hadn't he responded well to it in the past?

Was his touch... unpleasant now? But then why would Teddy be hugging him if it was?

He can't find a reason for it, and it frustrates him as much as it makes him feel stricken and kind of pathetic. He lifts a hand to press against his forehead, scrubbing it at a pace that is moving halfway towards frantic. What is he doing wrong? What is he supposed to say? How can he fix this...!?]

[Teddy frowns at first, unsure what Billy was trying to say, what his choice would be. It really is true that Teddy wouldn't mind either one; sure, he has more hopes for their place, and seeing it himself after a couple of weeks of not doing so would be wonderful. But...

Seeing Billy start to scrub at his face and hair makes him grow more concerned, and he moves one hand up to lace his fingers with Billy's again. Unlike before, he doesn't stop the movement right away; instead he merely slows it down until it comes to a halt.]

Billy - Billy... What's wrong? What is it?

Nnnn...

[Billy grimaces, resisting Teddy's grip, fingers stretching to try and reach at his scalp. Is it- is it good? To do that? Teddy had touched him again when he tried, so- maybe-]

Have to... have to get it out... it's in my head and I don't want it there... I want it out...

[He could try chanting, but chanting's dangerous now. Chanting ruined things. Still, if he could just... if he could get it out of his head, if he could get the magic to cooperate just right...]

[The words worry him so, so much. Whatever's possessing him is in his head, and he can't get it out... And Teddy isn't sure how to get something like that out either. He's nowhere near knowledgeable enough on these things.

Still, he pulls Billy's hand down, down to his side rather than near his head again. He does know one thing, at least.]

Scratching at your head isn't going to get it out of there, B... It just hurts. [...] I don't want to see you hurt... [It's hard enough, always seeing him hurt and never being able to do anything, never able to be hurt by his side, always healing before he does. It's one of the times he wishes he didn't have his healing, although he is grateful for it during this whole experience. Who knows where he'd be if he didn't have it... probably actually dead.]

...but I can't fix it like this. I can't... I want to...

[It's a low murmur, fingers still twitching, and a gentle electric shift in the air follows the gesture, a soft glow fading on and off within the shadows between their bodies. Even the scent of what he's doing is unmistakable, fire and ozone and sparks. And then his voice lifts, falling almost subconsciously into old habits-]

IwanttostopIwantto-

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[Action, October 15th] fucking italics

[Action, October 15th] they're charming

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