selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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Yeah... I saw some of it.

[Teddy switches positions instead; he leans against Billy with one arm around his back, hand on his waist, and the other resuming its leg stroking, to soothe, give a pleasant feeling, and possibly looking for any tension in his legs.]

So what do you think? Still giving up on it?

[Well, if that's Teddy's plan Billy just goes ahead and leans against him, his head resting on Teddy's shoulder. He watches for any sign of discomfort on Teddy's end, just in case, but considering what he'd been told back in the hotel, he figures it's better to not hesitate anymore.]

I don't feel like I have a choice, really. I mean... just thinking about magic, or seeing it, now... it scares me. How am I supposed to control something that makes me feel like that?

[It didn't frighten him like this before, not even when he'd almost killed Kesler. He'd overcome it somehow, learned to utilize it properly. But now? All the practice in the world hadn't prevented him from casting that spell. How was he supposed to regain his confidence now?]

[Teddy's quiet for a moment, tipping his head to rest it against Billy's. It's not like he was all for the idea of Billy giving up his magic... but he knew not to push it, too. Especially when something like this happened. Especially with Billy thinking the way he is. Pushing him towards something he didn't want would only make him resist it even more, and that's no way to get him back into it. Forcing someone never helped anyone.

Billy doesn't sound so absolutely against it right now, but Teddy still knows not to push too hard. He's had enough people telling him that he should do it, and Teddy doesn't want to be another number on that list.]

You could... start over, back to the basics. Read those books we've got, practice... with me, someone who's not a big magic expert.

[And before Billy can get a word in, Teddy shifts to press his forehead to Billy's temple, a gentle smile on his face.]

But only when you feel like you're ready for it. Or if. I won't say you need to do it. But I'll be here... if you decide to.

..."If".

[Billy's tone is a bit listless, but after a moment he does lift his eyes, looking at Teddy's - or at least, the pleasant and familiar blur that is Teddy's close-up face. He leans into the touch, his nose brushing against the blond's. If he tilted just right, leaned forward a bit, he could-

....

Well. He could.]

That's... a pretty big if, Teddy. [He pauses, and then-] But thanks. For... letting it be my choice.

[For not trying to convince me one way or the other.]

[When their noses touch, Teddy half-lids his eyes, a bit overwhelmed by the feeling of closeness for a second. That burst of love, however, soon becomes a dark doubt, one that makes him shut his eyes to hide the emotion.

My nose is still too large; Billy says he likes it when they touch like this but...

But nothing, he is the way he is, and... Billy loves him for it.

Besides, he has something more important to focus on. He opens his eyes a little again, and he moves his hand from Billy's leg to brush his cheek with the back of his fingers, then - hesitate, before slowly letting his hand settle on Billy's neck, thumb caressing his jawline.]

It should always be your choice. But I don't think this is the last you're gonna hear of people wanting you to get back into it. Just keep that in mind, okay? That it's your choice. And whether you do it or not, I'll be right there with you.

[Billy closes his eyes, letting those words sink in before he nods very slightly, trying not to jar Teddy's hand at his neck. It feels nice, even if it doesn't quite feel the same as it used to. The scattered burns are healed, but they itch sometimes, and although he'd been outside all evening, Teddy's fingers are warm as ever, so the heat is soothing. He leans in, letting touch and proximity guide him, until his face is buried neatly between Teddy's neck and shoulder, one of his favourite places to cuddle.]

I know... and they can't force me to, anyway, even if they try. I have to... [...want it...] I have to feel it before I can cast anything, or it won't work. Willpower and all. And I just... don't. So it's fine.

[With this shift in position, Teddy turns slightly to face Billy more, pulls him closer by the waist, and slides his hand to the back of his neck, fingers gently sifting through the hair just above it. He shuts his eyes as well, cheek against his hair, and just listens to him.]

Mmm. [If Billy did get back into it... he would like to see him start with the basics again. Skipping straight to the advanced magic that Teddy saw, was attacked by, suffered from... He's not looking forward to that anytime soon. But those days spent chanting together, reading books that sounded so corny at the time, laughing when a spell backfired, laughing when it worked, though the timber of it would change... he liked those days. He liked seeing that magic.

But Billy's right. He has to feel it, want it and be ready for it. And he's clearly not. And shouting that he should isn't going to make him be ready for it any faster. He just wishes it was as easy to see for everyone else...]

Please don't tell me that's the only thing they talked about with you, B.

[Ah... he knows that tone. But at least he can reassure Teddy somewhat.]

Not all of them. But it was a surprisingly popular subject. I think I'll be happy if no one talks about magic with me for a whole month.

[Even now, though, he isn't really exasperated about it. People can gripe at him or tell he's an idiot or whatever... he'll endure it. He'll deal with the consequences. But more than anything else, he's just... tired.]

Then let's not talk about it for a while.

[Billy's had enough for the day, and it's obvious to see. Teddy keeps his arms around him, but leans back enough to be face to face.]

What about the "not all of them" group?

[Thank god.

Billy relaxes a bit in his arms, glancing up and offering a rueful little smile.]

The usual suspects. You saw the replies, didn't you? You can probably guess how things went.

Probably, yeah.

[Teddy raises his eyebrows, a smile coming over his lips as he studies Billy's expression.]

Going by that expression on your face... [Teddy gets both arms around his waist and pulls Billy toward him, until he's got the other boy in his lap, and he nuzzles his nose gently against his chin.] We should be doing this instead. [And Teddy certainly has no complaints.]

[Well now his expression is surprised, because he hadn't expected that at all. His brows lift as his head tilts, nudged up by Teddy's nose, and after a moment he gives in to his urge and leans forward again, lips against Teddy's forehead, nose buried in blond hair. It tickles, and his smile returns, bit by bit.]

Really? You'd rather do this than have an incredibly depressing conversation about my incredibly depressing day? I'm shocked.

[Teddy can feel that smile curving up against his forehead, and it makes his own grow a little, enough to be genuinely happy. This is what Teddy likes, getting his boyfriend to smile, even just a little. They've been sorely missing lately.]

I know, I know. I'm usually all for the incredibly depressing scene, huh. [The tone of his voice sounds warm and fond, contrasting his words, and he slides his hands up and down Billy's sides.]

Mm, that's you. It's exhausting, always having to cheer you up.

[It's... kind of a surreal little parallel, in a way- to how he's been feeling, and how much Teddy's had to cheer him up lately. Maybe he's mocking himself.

Really, though, he just... he's grateful. And teasing feels more normal than they've been for a while, now.]

Hmm.

[With his hands stopping above Billy's hips, Teddy tilts his head up, looking up at his boyfriend with that same smile on his face.]

But it's worth it to see me smile, right?

[Billy falls silent at that, considering the words. Is Teddy just responding in kind? Does he recognize the parallel, or is Billy just over-thinking everything again? Is it worth it, to Teddy?

...He wouldn't still be here if it wasn't.

He closes his eyes and then, tentatively, closes the distance between them to press his lips against Teddy's. The contact is brief, almost chaste, but it's still enough to get his heart pounding heavy in his chest. Was it okay? Was it what Teddy wanted? He remembers the signs and the signals and it felt right, but-

....

Right. Overthinking.]

Of course it is.

[It's absolutely worth seeing your smile.

Which goes to show that yes, Teddy did recognize the parallel. But that's pushed to the wind when Billy kisses him, and Teddy widens his eyes within it.

It's sad, how Billy wasn't really the one to initiate kisses for a good while. It happened a few times, but usually he'd be hesitant, or not go through with it, or...

When Billy pulls back, Teddy stares for all of two seconds before he comes to his senses again.]

Wait wait wait. Wait.

[With that said, Teddy reaches up to slide his fingers into Billy's hair, then pull him down for a much longer kiss, this time returning it fully.]

[When Teddy speaks - and says that - Billy's already bracing himself for a gentle rejection, or some sort of chidingcomment. Surely he'd pushed things, and Teddy's not ready, and they can't just pretend everything's fine when it's not and he's still just a mess that screwed everything up and how could he even think that-

-Teddy's-

....

Oh. Billy's eyes widen for a long moment, stunned, but when the moment passes he closes his eyes and melts into it, hands lifting to hold on to Teddy's shoulders. He really, really does need to stop over-thinking everything...]

[With Billy's arms around his shoulders, Teddy lowers his own to Billy's waist, pulling the other boy against him. This is definitely something they haven't done in more than a month now, sharing a kiss that was longer than just a few seconds. Teddy's missed it, craved it so badly, especially now that Billy's trying so hard to set things straight and get things back to normal.

The kiss continues on for a long moment before Teddy just barely pulls back, not even opening his eyes while he just breathes against Billy's lips. Then, tentatively, he leans in against, brushing his parted lips against Billy's, inviting a somewhat more open kiss. He might be pushing it, but he'll back off if Billy's not ready for kisses like that just yet.]

[A week ago Billy would have gone along with it just to give Teddy what he obviously wants, whether he was ready for it or not. His own desires don't mean as much to him anymore, not when they're so dangerous. Whatever Teddy wants, he should get, right? But Teddy hadn't taken it then. Maybe he wasn't ready either, or... maybe he knew, somehow, that it hadn't been particularly healthy.

But that was then, and this is now. And now... Billy knows what he wants, even if he refuses to say the word aloud out of a lingering fear. He knows what he can handle, what he's been craving more than anything: normalcy, a return to where - and how - they'd been before everything went to hell. This right here? Teddy's arms around him, their mouths brushing, so in sync and connected like this? They're still tentative, still a little clumsy, but it's... it's how they're meant to be. It's a road to recovery, taking those first, fearful and eager steps.

So he opens up to the kiss again, his grip tightening, tilting his head invitingly. Teddy can push if he likes, and Billy offers him no resistance- only a willingness to try.]

[The kiss feels different from all the others, and not just because it's deeper than the rest, and not just because he wasn't the one who started it all. Billy's opening up to it, and not just because Teddy wants it. Teddy can feel it; the lack of tension, the way Billy responds, like this is what he equally wants.

It's why some of their kisses never lasted long, because Teddy could feel otherwise in some cases, and he never wanted to do something that Billy didn't want, especially romantically.

But now...

Teddy lets out a soft sound as he tightens his own grip and slowly presses into the kiss, ready to stop when he feels that same tension from before, and... it's pretty obvious he hasn't done this for a good while; his motions are a little clumsy, and still so very tentative. But it's a bit like riding a bike again. Once he gets the feel of it, he starts to get back into the groove, learning how it felt again, what felt good for Billy and what felt good for him, too. Nothing more than that, just a way to send pleasant little shivers through the both of them.]

[Yes, they're clumsy, they're unsure, they're not very good at it. But Billy? He doesn't care, and he's getting the very distinct impression that Teddy doesn't, either. It helps him gather his courage- and really, how stupid is it that he would ever need courage again to kiss Teddy? He can do this in his sleep. He has done this in his sleep. It's easy. It's natural. It's freeing.

So he just... does it. He lets go, he allows the kiss to slowly ease the tension out of him. He's so much better with Teddy, and... he's glad for it. Why would he ever want to give this up?]

[Clumsy as it is, to Teddy, it felt like one of their best kisses. It was like a ray of light after being in the dark for so long, and Teddy revels in it, even if it makes him a bit breathless. It's easy to kiss him, tell him he loves him with action alone, caress Billy's back until his hands settle on his waist, and he has to fight the little urge to slide them under his shirt. Just to feel his skin, just to make them feel even closer to each other.

After a long moment, Teddy breaks away again, still just a breath away, and breathes again, eyes shut. It's another invitation, an offer now, to let Billy have his turn as well. To take charge, to show him just what he showed Billy.]

Billy...

[It's okay if you don't want to, but please... show me, somehow...]

[He does want to. He honestly and truly does. But he's afraid of that want, as much as he craves it; it churns through his head, back and forth, a steady shake of yes or no and how and why. The prospect of experiencing more of that wonderful feeling, regaining more of the equilibrium he so desperately needs again, versus the threat of pushing too hard and losing what little he has now. It's terrifying, and he's not that brave. Not yet.

But Teddy's inviting him, like he wants it, like he needs it just as badly. Billy trembles against him, the movement almost imperceptible but certainly enough for someone as observant as Teddy to notice, and after a moment of frightened, desperate stillness, breath held, he tilts his head and kisses Teddy's nose, then his forehead, then a line along his temple, under his eye, across his cheek, to his jaw. He peppers Teddy's face with kisses, tender and appreciative, exploring every little feature. It's not exactly heated, more reverent than passionate, but it's what he chose. It's what he wants to do.

And... maybe... if Teddy's okay with it, maybe...]

[Teddy is more than okay with it. In fact, he thinks he prefers this over continuing the kiss. It's a decision Billy made, one that came after fighting his fears. It's not following Teddy's actions, but rather, making his own choice, which is what Teddy wanted all this time. And not only that, but showing appreciation to just about every single part of his face, one of the things Teddy looks at and criticizes the most in the mirror - he's kissing his too large nose, his blocky jaw, his dull and cold (compared to the warmth of Billy's brown) eyes...

His throat constricts, but finally, he's able to shift that feeling away. Instead, he tips his head into Billy's kisses and lets out a sigh, his arms covering both Billy's waist and his back, every single part of him so desperately and obviously craving every single touch and kiss Billy has to offer. It's not cure-all, and Teddy will probably still look at himself in the mirror and hate what he sees... but it feels like every kiss is healing something. And he loves it, loves it far more that whatever words Billy says.

This is what Billy wants, what he finally wants, and Teddy couldn't be happier with his choice.]

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