selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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Huh... Doesn't surprise me. [Considering where she came from, and what she's like... but still.] What a sad, sad life, if she's never been in a pillow fort.

[And though he feels a little silly, Teddy lets go of Billy's hand to get into said fort, where he flops down on his back midway through it.]

Looks like you showed her the way, though.

Yeah.

[Billy ducks down and joins him, sitting tentatively for a long moment before finally stretching out on his back beside Teddy, gazing up at their "ceiling". His bedsheets are dark, but semi-transparent, so between that and the light being off, a bit of the magical starscape is visible through it, stars twinkling gently. He makes himself look up at them, his expression unreadable.

It's the first time in a while - since before - that he's been able to look at them without feeling such a twist of anxiety. It's magic, yes, but... a peaceful kind. A spell already cast, that he doesn't have to worry about anymore. It helps, a little. The feeling is muted, and Teddy's presence makes him feel like it'll be okay.]

...I used to do this a lot with my brothers, back home.

[Teddy's staring up, too; This is one of his favorite things Billy has done, given him the night sky and made it right there on the ceiling. Teddy gazed up at it every night since then, save for the month before. It's just as calming now, especially with Billy by his side.

He doesn't look away when Billy speaks, though he does turn his head slightly as if to indicate that he's listening.]

Yeah? Pillow forts?

Mm.

[Billy stretches his arms out over his head, letting them flop gracelessly, his fingers brushing against the 'wall', AKA the comforter draped along the back.]

Dad wasn't making as much, and Mom worked from home because the brats were too young for school yet, so we had a smaller place back then. The three of us just shared one big bedroom, and you can probably imagine what a disaster that was. Since I was older, I really wanted a place of my own- just to get away from them, you know? So I'd build one of these- shut myself in and tell them to leave me alone.

[He can see it now, in his mind: his corner of the room, with the sheets hanging from closet to desk to under the mattress, pillows and stuffed animals piled around the edges, just him and a flashlight and a box of comic books.]

But of course they'd eventually sneak in with me.

[It's only slightly hard to imagine, rather than full out impossible like before he started living with the Kaplans. He knew that children could be monsters, but him wanting a little brother or sister badly as well as liking kids in general made him wonder how Billy could complain so much about his little brothers. The first week he lived there, they behaved well enough, and were a bit wary around him due to being new in the house. But by the second week, Teddy was family enough, and he came to know the little demons that Jamie and Charlie could turn into.

Not that he didn't love them any less. He could just understand more. And Teddy can just imagine it: Billy, a little younger, telling the brats to leave him alone while he ducked into his fort, flashlight and comic book balanced in both hands, stuffed animals and action figures outside to protect his mini castle. Only to have the brothers push themselves in and ask him to play with them and what he's doing and what's going on, making him groan loudly. The image makes Teddy smile, his own hands entwined on his sternum.]

Of course they did. Did you kick them out?

[Billy mulls over that a moment, brows furrowing.]

I did, at first. Or I tried to, anyway. But then they'd just sit outside and cry, or start pulling it apart, and then Mom would come and scold me for not 'nurturing the development of a healthy relationship with my siblings', or something along those lines. Eventually I let them in so none of us would get into trouble, and as long as they didn't touch my comics, I'd read for them.

Heh... Billy Kaplan, brother of the year.

[Teddy loves these talks. He loves hearing about his boyfriend's past, loves discovering a little something about him every time. Right now, lying side by side like this in a fort of their own, looking up at the not!stars, sharing stories of the past, it feels... Teddy can't really find a word for it right now. Intimate? Somber? Nostalgic? All three?]

And after that, it became a thing to do. Right?

[Billy scoffs quietly at that first bit, his lips quirking into a brief smile. Yeah... not so much on the best-brother part. Honestly it's a bit weird here, being the assumed little brother to not only Tommy but Loki now, as well. And Jane, when she was here. Maybe he's better at that role.]

Only when they behaved. Which, as you well know by now, they're not great at. Still... sometimes they managed. So yeah, I guess it was kind of a thing.

[He hesitates, then tilts his head to nudge it against Teddy's shoulder.]

S'better with you, though.

Yeah. I'm quiet and well-behaved, for one.

[Teddy feels a smile quirk up at his own expense, not daring to move in case he nudges Billy off his shoulder. He at least turns his head to look at him, his smile having faded to a tinier one.]

You're good to them, you know. You're good with kids.

[He himself tends to coddle and love on the kids too much. Billy may keep his distance, but he has learned how to discipline kids in a way that Teddy hasn't just yet. And he knows that the kids will grow up well with that in the future.]

[Billy looks surprised at that; he knows how to deal with kids, sure, but the thought of being good with them hadn't really occurred with them. Kids like him well enough, but he's not exactly cuddly. He'd be better with a girl, maybe. Too many years of brotherly tussles that only they enjoyed.

The tussles stopped when he started coming home from school with bruises, though. Maybe they were better brothers than he used to think.]

...I just know how to threaten them into behaving, that's all.

[The idea that Teddy noticed is... touching? Maybe? He's not sure. He'd thought about kids with Teddy a few times, before. More than a few times. It had been scary, sure, but...possible, back then.

Ugh, no, don't lose the good feeling, don't-]

But you are, too. Better, I think.

[Teddy lets out a quiet snort at that, eyes rolling enough to get his head back to looking ahead.]

I'm not too good with the "getting them to behave" thing. I always end up spoiling them too much.

[Which means that kids love him. He's like a huge, huggable teddy bear. He provides comfort and support, and he never fights back. He really would be walked all over like a rug if he let the kids have their way.]

And... you know. Not used to dealing with kids all the time.

You just need practice. But I guess that's why we've made a good team in the past.

[He shuts his mouth after that, because he's not... really sure if that leaves any kind of unfortunate implications. It wasn't intentional, but. But.

Teddy probably doesn't want... that... anymore.]

[Teddy's quiet at that for a moment, doing his best to not think of the unfortunate implications. But how can he not?

Did Billy not think they were a good team anymore, or could be?

... He doesn't blame him. They kind of tore apart at the seams during the whole past month... and it only seems like just moments ago that they started to sew themselves back together again.

But does that mean it's hopeless to be a good team again?

...

Teddy turns his whole body now, facing his boyfriend, though he doesn't touch him just yet. Because what if he doesn't want... that anymore?]

We can still be a good team now. We agreed on it just a while ago... right?

[Billy pauses again, eyes widening a little, and glances sidelong at Teddy. He stares at him for a moment, trying to sort out whether he means that or just- them in general, or-

...or if it doesn't even matter.

Maybe he's just thinking too deeply on everything again, and it's not helping. It's hard not to, sure, but with Teddy... he can manage it a little, can't he? Surely...]

No... you're right. We're still a team. We've always been a team.

[And always... will? He hopes, anyway...]

And we always will be a team. We got through the worst of this and... everything.

[If they got out of this,> scathed but not to the point of giving up... then they can get through anything, right?

This whole thing they have isn't just a past and present thing, right...?

Or is he thinking too deeply, hoping too much like he did in the past month?]

[Did they, though? Did they really? With the problems they've had, are still having, were just talking abouthaving...

....

No. He doesn't want to believe that they don't... have a future. They have to. Anything else is just... too terrible to consider.

Decision made, he slides a hand down between them and grasps one of Teddy's hands, fingers twining, his expression calm, but hopeful. He doesn't want to give this up. Not after everything that's happened.]

As long as you'll have me... I'll be here.

Always.

[... And if he didn't? Would Billy still be...

No, don't think about it. It scared him enough when Billy admitted to attempting it, and he can already feel fear seize at his chest just at the thought of it. Better to think of something else, one that doesn't make him want to cover his ears and curl up and never want to move again.]

We used to do this. [...] Me and my mom. Pillow forts.

[Billy isn't sure how to interpret Teddy's response- he doesn't look particularly happy or upset, so. Maybe it's okay.

Either way, he doesn't speak again, only gives Teddy's hand a light squeeze and tilts his head to show that he's listening. This is the first time Teddy's mentioned his mom since... well. Yeah. And there's still that guilt, that fear, the worry of the damage he's caused by bringing her back, even as just an illusion. Or. Especially because of that. It hadn't been real, and...

...god. He really can't say a damn thing.]

You probably wouldn't think it, knowing me now, but back then? I used to cry a lot. When I was sad or scared... I'd hide under the blankets and cry, or cling to her. I used to get picked on so much for it.

[Which... led to him stopping himself from crying in the rare times he felt like doing it, why it became so natural to him. He turns until he's on his back again and staring up at the stars, though he still holds Billy's hand.]

Anyway. When I was hiding from her, mom would get all the pillows and cushions and blankets and set up a big fort in her room. When she was done, she'd knock on my door and say she needed my help, since I'd have the last pillow in my room. So I'd add the finishing touch, and we'd hang out together and talk about everything. What bothered me, what didn't... It was always kind of small for her, but she never said anything about it.

[And it felt good when he was a kid. He felt like he was hiding from all the bad things in the world with his mom, holed up in a castle, the queen and her little prince, protectors of their stronghold and their kingdom. She'd even play along with him, letting stuffed animals and action figures be their knights or representations of the bullies in school. It was nice...]

[Billy listens quietly, trying to draw on those memories and create a new picture of Teddy and his mother- not her burning, or him in pain and crying, not that horrible illusion that he'd created, not him begging to be rid of it. Just Teddy and the real Mrs. Altman, cuddling and talking under a tent of blankets. it's such a sweet image that it's almost enough to drive away those darker thoughts and memories. He... really hopes that's the case for Teddy, too. Real memories should always trump an illusion.]

That... sounds awesome. It's really cool that your mom played with you like that.

[Even with how busy Teddy's mom had to have been as a single mom, she must have really tried to make time for him, too. He wishes he'd had a chance to get to know her better.

She'd have been an awesome grandmother-]

Yeah... She did her best for me. She got busier when she started to climb the corporate ladder, but the nights were all ours.

[Even when he had homework and she had paperwork, they'd still find time for each other. He'd get done early, she'd take several breaks, and they'd do all kinds of things together. Cook, go out to eat, watch television, watch him defeat a final boss, talk about their day... it was peaceful, even when he started to wear daily masks. It was the only time of his life, before the Young Avengers, where he felt truly himself and welcome and loved.]

When I was... I don't know, twelve? I felt like I got too old for pillow forts. But she didn't miss a beat. We'd just huddle on the couch and watch Buffy or Supernatural or something else instead. Sometimes with popcorn, sometimes with ice cream... She'd always have some of her papers nearby, but she'd still talk to me. It was... great.

[Twelve is too old for pillow forts? Someone forgot to send Billy the memo, he was still making them like four years ago. Well, five, now. Further away than he'd thought.

Shit, he really is growing up here. That's a scary thought.]

You guys were lucky to have each other for that.

[He's not sure if that's the right thing to say. It's tentative, silently worried. But sincere, at the same time- not everyone has attentive, loving parents, whether they have both of them or not. And not everyone has such kind, thoughtful kids, either. The person Teddy was now is thanks in part to his mother's care. He's indebted to her for that, if nothing else.]

Yeah...

[He wishes he could still have her. He feels like he lost her at way too young an age; she should've been there to give him answers, she should've been there after the war, when he was weary and tired and heartsick and tortured in ways he should never have experienced. Teddy always imagined that she'd be there when he graduated high school. College. Smiling in the audience, waving wildly when he looked out into it to get hi attention. She'd be there when he got married, letting him go and smiling with tears in her eyes as he promised forever with his loved one. She'd be there when he'd have his first child, most likely through adoption, and hold him and know that she was a grandmother now.

She'd been cut out of his life far too early...]

... I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for her.

[Thinking of it that way... probably dead, considering she and his real mother were the reason he was able to escape his death sentence at birth.]

[...Ah. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say, after all. Billy will never know for sure, but for the moment, all he can do is deal with the aftermath.

He shifts closer, wriggling his hand free to reach it over Teddy's chest, holding his shoulder in a one-armed hug. He tilts his head to nudge it against Teddy's meaningfully.]

You shouldn't think about that kind of thing. You had her, and... she had you. That's what matters, right? Not the what-ifs.

It's hard not to think of them sometimes.

[It's not as frequent as they were a year ago, but the questions certainly fly through his head at the worst of times. What if they didn't go to Billy's apartment to hide from Kl'rt? What if he ushered his mom out and told her to let him handle it? What if he, oh, he doesn't know, actually moved and helped her instead of standing there, paralyzed by shock and horror?

The "what if"s just bombard the mind when a death happens far too close to you.

But he doesn't want the conversation to dive into grief. He wants to focus on the happy memories. So he shuts his eyes and does his best to purge the questions and images from his mind. Talking would be easier, too...]

So... now we've got another pillow fort memory to add on to those.

[... Much better.]

[action] you still astound me

[action] i've got the magic in me

[action] the power of sleep

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