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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up
[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.
First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.
After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.
They'd be wrong, but.
This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]
...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.
["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]
...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...
[....]
...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.
Thanks. For hearing me out.
[And... that's that.]
First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.
After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.
They'd be wrong, but.
This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]
...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.
["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]
...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...
[....]
...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.
Thanks. For hearing me out.
[And... that's that.]
[action]
[Yes, they'd been a bit recluse. But there were still people around them, checking in on them or just visiting, or their presence was just there enough to be aware of them. This is to not worry about anyone else but each other, be completely by themselves with no interruptions. No journal, no nothing. Just them.]
I know I'm sounding kind of like a hermit. But I feel like... we need this.
[action]
[He definitely knows the difference; he's been practicing it plenty lately, after all. While he'd been trapped in his own head, the people around him had barely mattered, half the time. It's a source of equal parts shame and relief. Since snapping out of it, though, he's tried his best to do everything to make Teddy comfortable again, but this... if it's what Teddy feels that they need, despite his usual desire for socializing, Billy isn't going to question it. He can't help but like the idea, anyway.]
Okay... okay. We'll go up for a while... give ourselves some time. I think it'll be a good experience, and... that's reason enough to celebrate.
[action]
[Not the day Billy asked him out, but the day they shyly, awkwardly, outwardly decided that they liked each other and clicked enough to be boyfriends and continue this dating thing. Something Teddy never regretted, and still doesn't, even with all that happened.
The starry ceiling outside of his vision now, Teddy instead focuses on Billy's eyes, dark enough to not even see the pupil in the low light that they have, yet still so expressive and beautiful.]
We'll have the place all to ourselves. [Hopefully, anyway.] I want to just be yours and you to... just be mine. For a while. No lunch dates, no school, nothing else... just us.
[Not to sound completely selfish or possessive or anything, he just...
He needs this. After coming back and seeing Billy with someone else - a construct of him and that's all, and people coming by afterward, and all the stresses that Billy had to go through, seeing him cry and give up so many things and hold him like his life depended on it, he -
He wants - needs to strengthen their link of love and trust and partnership again. To clear their fears and doubts. To rely on each other for the future ahead of them.]
[action]
It also makes him think about what a horrible step backwards they'd taken the past month. Caused by terrible circumstances, and... mostly him.
Teddy's right. They need this. Need it. Billy slides his hands up to rest against Teddy's chest, still curled up comfortably in his arms, wanting to touch, to feel their bodies against one another. Letting the sensation of it cement him in place, center him in that reality, he breathes in, out, in, out. Just them. Just the two of them, out in the mountains, learning to love one another the way they did before all of this happened...
...yeah. Yeah, they need that. And he wants it, too- so desperately that it's frightening, and he has to swallow the words before they choke him.]
I really... like the sound of that. Just us...
[No interruptions, no distractions, and no jumbled mess in his head to ruin things for them. It'll be great. It'll be perfect.
It'll be exactly what they need.]
[action]
[Teddy shuts his eyes and tips his head forward, enough to press it against Billy's.]
We'll celebrate two years together... and fix everything that happened. I promise.
[He doesn't want to dream about being killed with Billy watching on again. He doesn't want to feel himself freeze up every time Billy touches his neck. He doesn't want to wonder if Billy doesn't want him anymore.
He wants what they had back. No... He wants to move beyond that and grow stronger.
And he has a feeling that they can do that if they take this anniversary trip of theirs. Just them, them and their issues, them and their love. They'll make it.]
[action]
It gets better.
And it will.
He presses back against Teddy, gripping him gently, letting his body language do the talking for him, for once. Words just get in the way, sometimes. How they feel is what matters.]
[action]
Honestly, he could fall asleep with Billy under here.
He probably shouldn't. But he could.]
[action]
Nngh... as much as I'd love to cuddle up like this forever, things are starting to go numb, here...
[action]
[Teddy was just starting to drift a little, what -
Oh. Oh, right. That's a thing with people that Teddy never really had to suffer from. Right, he should've known be - No, it's fine, whatever.]
Oh... sorry. [He gives something of a sheepish smile as he pulls his arms back and starts to push himself up, one hand up to block against the tent ceiling, should it be too low for him.] Forgot about that.
[action] this icon is so dramatic but its all i have
[It's spoken lightly despite his wincing, as Billy himself sits up and stretches, rolling his arms to try and regain some feeling. Ow ow ow, this is the worst part ever.]
Considering I don't think you even get pins and needles...
[action] wow did the floor beat you up that much
[The times he was depowered, when he'd wake up and wince over the aches and pains in his body. It was especially weird in Malnosso World, when nothing else was really going on. He had so many other pains in Vaskoth that he didn't even realize it was happening.
While Billy regains feeling in his limbs, Teddy tilts his head up to look at the stars from under the cover, trying to gauge Billy's mood from it. Once he had the suspicion that the space above him was connected to Billy's emotions, it was easy for that suspicion to turn into a fact, and so he'd watch it when he needed some guidance. There are thoughts on his mind, thoughts he knows he should talk about, thoughts he wants to avoid like the plague, and it'd be so, so easy to avoid it. But...]
[action] he's a squishy human teddy what did you expect
He leans over, resting his chin on Teddy's shoulder and following his gaze upwards.]
What are you thinking about?
[action] PUNY HUMAN
What the stars look like at home.
How much I miss her.
How much I love you.
Space in general.
They'd all be good excuses that he's sure Billy would accept. But that's just what they are: excuses. He looks down, picking at the leg of his pants while trying to figure out what to say. He doesn't want to screw this up... But he could screw it up by not saying it at all.
The life of Teddy Altman, the guy who can't do anything because he doesn't know what he wants or what to do.
Finally, deciding that that line of thought is pathetic and leads to a place he doesn't want to be again, Teddy tilts his head up again.]
A lot of things. Things I keep thinking about... [Worrying about. It doesn't help that he feels like he's felt worry constantly buzzing through him ever since all this happened.]
[action] gosh don't brag that's not sexy at all
Should we talk about it?
[His fear of the word aside, he knows better than to ask if Teddy wants to. Generally the answer would be no. It's so much easier to just brush it aside and hope it goes away by itself, though the downside is that it tends to build up over time.
He doesn't want Teddy to do that- not again. Not with him.]
[action] omg we're not even going for sexy here you perv
[It slips out, because it's so easy to do. Noting that, Teddy shuts his eyes and shakes his head.]
I mean. We probably should, yeah... But you're not going to like it. We can talk about it later.
[action] BUT IT'S GOOD WHEN YOU'RE SEXY
...I can not like it now, or I can not like it later, but... either way, I won't be able to stop thinking about it until I know. You might as well...
[It's out, now. Better to get it over with.]
[action] I CAN'T BE SEXY ALL THE TIME (and tw for attempted suicide)
What if he pushes me away, what if I go too far, what if he doesn't want to talk, what if I'm making a mistake...
But he needs to know. Needs it, or else he'll never stop lying awake at night and watching Billy's chest rise and fall, he'll never feel his heart beating against him and wonder why he would ever want to stop that, if he still wants to, if he might...
He lets out a sigh. Right. Now or never. And Billy will only worry more if it's never.
And with at, Teddy turns, taking Billy's hand off of his shoulder in favor of holding it in his own instead.]
We talked about this once, but you were still... [He gestures to his eyes with his free hand.] After you tried to... [He takes in a deep breath; goddammit, Teddy, you're stronger than this. Act if you have to.] After you tried to kill yourself. I just need to make sure, now that it's gone. You aren't going to try again, right? You really don't want to? I mean... You tried once, so...
[His hand tightens around Billy's, and he can already feel that little ball of pain in his chest, that same fear that gripped him when Billy confessed what he tried to do. He keeps it down; this is something they need to talk about, and Teddy panicking over this won't do them any good.]
[action] okay yeah no sexy here...
Suddenly, he regrets pressing the issue, and he tries desperately to mask his expression, failing miserably because he's never been good at that when his emotions are running high. He's too honest to allow for it. His voice is somewhat shaky as he finally replies, and he hates himself a little more for it.]
I... I don't... think we should talk about... that.
[Anything. Literally anything would be better. Anything but the second biggest mistake he'd ever made in his life.]
[action] sexiness is forbidden here
Teddy can go back to keeping it inside, watching Billy when he doesn't know it, wondering how much would be too much, wondering if he's good enough to stay alive for, wondering if he'll lose him someday. He'll drift off and think of Billy dying at the hands of the Malnosso, how his fear and grief and rage had nearly thwarted their efforts to keep him powerless. And he'll think of stepping outside and wondering if Billy's okay, and what he would've walked in on if Billy had succeeded...
No, they need to talk about this. They've spent too long hiding and covering things up, pushing them under a rug to try keeping this fragile thing they have, once so strong, intact. But they can't get anywhere if it stays that way.
Teddy's free hand finds its way to Billy's cheek when he speaks up again.]
I think... I know we should talk about it. We should talk about a lot of things. I'm not going to keep walking around eggshells when our two year anniversary is so close. [He wants them to be stronger, not the same, once they get to that point.]
I promise, I won't freak out again... I just want to talk.
[action] only seriousness and pain
He has his doubts, but Teddy...he looks so sure. And it's such a stark contrast to how he'd been before, when Billy had confessed what he'd tried to do. If he keeps quiet now, tries to shut himself up and dodge Teddy's worries, it would just get worse again. They're already recovering, step by step. billy doesn't want to be the cause of all their efforts backpedaling. He doesn't want to be a coward.
And... he's not afraid of Teddy.
Just... hurting him.
I don't ever want to hurt him again.
He closes his eyes, feeling pained, somewhat numb, his body trembling a little beneath Teddy's hand. They should talk about a lot of things. Everything, really. Everything they can't talk about with anyone else. And he doesn't want Teddy to ever be too afraid or uncertain to talk to him about something. It wouldn't be right.
And that means... he needs to do this. He needs to talk about all the things he's feeling, everything he's kept inside and tried to work through on his own. Who knows, maybe it'll help.
Really, he's just desperately hoping it won't hurt.]
...I won't... try again. I promise. I can't. And not just because I'm not using magic anymore. Not just because it's pointless to do here, either.
[There are so many ways a person can die, so many ways to end their own life, and none of them appeal to him anymore, certainly not the way they had in that moment. Not guns or knives or pills or even the window Teddy's pulled him off, worrying he would do something he'd already attempted. None of them were solutions to the problems that persisted - his self-worth, his guilt, his fear - and only one had taught him that he still had a will to live.]
I couldn't... bring myself to do it. Once was enough. It's not what I...
[....]
...I won't. I promise. I won't.
[And there's more, there's so much more he could say, if he could find the words to say it. But before he even tries, he needs to make that clear. He needs Teddy to know that no matter what he says next, no matter what he accidentally admits or believes or feels or any of that, he isn't going to do it.]
[action] the most awful pain
Billy's heart rate is a little faster, but he knows that's from nervousness over the matter itself rather than if Teddy might catch him lying. He's trembling, afraid of something. The topic again, probably, and it's why he looks so pained, too. Billy's always an open book, but it wasn't long ago that Teddy questioned his ability to read it, so he tries harder this time. He needs to, because this is important.
...
There are no lies here. No half-hearted promises that'll only be broken in the future, no detached way of trying to calm Teddy down. It's a real promise, and a real assertion that he won't do it again.
It's not quite enough to soothe Teddy's worries fully, but he can at least relax a little. He knew the ways a person could kill themselves, and Teddy ended up watching Billy more carefully than ever when he'd get anywhere near those things. A knife for cutting dinner, pills for a headache, the window where they live so high up, listening when he'd be in the shower to see if he was in there too long or brought anything with him... And he can stop all of that now. Or, at least, relax a little.
But Billy's not done yet. So Teddy nods, fingers tracing against the heartbeat he can feel against Billy's neck a few times, the one his own heart had always strove to match before, and doesn't do so now, if only to keep himself calm.]
Okay. I believe you. [He tilts his head slightly, his expression becoming more open and questioning instead of focused. What else is there?]
[action]
...God. God. Please let this not be a mistake.]
It... it was... the day I tried to... I mean, when I made that... fake family. For you. When you went to the bathroom, I- [He cuts himself off, reaching a hand up to cover Teddy's, his heartbeat picking up again, this time in something of a panic.] And it's not your fault! I didn't want to tell you, because... it's not. I never wanted you to blame yourself. What you did? How you had to get away from me? Anyone would've done it. It's all on me.
[He's not sure if that was the right thing to do. It is the kind of thing Teddy would blame himself for- not being there when Billy needed him, or something equally absurd. What Billy had done was awful. It wasn't something you were supposed to forgive, or coddle, or be gentle with. It wouldn't have been right or honest if he'd done that.
He has to trust Teddy, though. To hear him out.]
But... I lost it, for a while. I thought about- everything I'd done to you, how I hurt you, how I kept hurting you over and over. I was a mess. It'd been what, a month? A whole month, and you took care of me, even with all that I put you through... even when you had all those doubts about us, how I felt, in your head. I thought... how can I do this to him? How do I keep doing this to him? You deserved so much better than what I was giving you. And every time I tried to help I just made it all worse.
[Broken promises, empty conversations, vacant stares. Frigid, lifeless touches that did nothing to soothe his worries. Unwanted spells and hands around his neck, squeezing, choking--]
I thought... if I made it bad, really bad, just one last time... and then was gone... things could get better for you. I can't even describe to you how much sense it made to me at the time. It was so simple, I wondered how I hadn't thought of it before then. Once the thought was in my head I couldn't stop thinking about it. I thought it over and over, and then I said it, and it became a spell.
[action]
It's passed now, and what's in the present is important. Even though everything he says next doesn't do him much good either, especially the last part. Things would get better for him? Ha... does Billy have any idea what that would've done to Teddy? If he came out of the bathroom and found Billy dead, killed himself before Teddy could stop him, because Teddy lost it enough to run away and not think about him for a few minutes?
He wants to say all of that. Take Billy's shoulders and grip tight and say it all, ask it all. But that would be giving in to the panic on the edge of his mind, and he - he needs to hear Billy out first. There's still more, he knows it.
So Teddy shuts his eyes, nods, and only says one thing, and he's proud of the fact that his voice is only a little rough, not shaky, not cracking anywhere.]
And... it didn't work.
[action]
...Yeah. And that... I think... it's what freaked me out the most. You can't imagine- I'd never want you to, but- how it feels? To go from... thinking, desperately believing that all you can do with your life is just to let it end... to realizing that's the one thing you can't do. All that power, all that magic, as much as I chanted and chanted and told myself over and over... it didn't mean anything, because it wasn't how I felt.
[He closes his eyes now too, breathing in, breathing out, trying to let the air in his lungs calm him, sooth his racing heartbeat. He's alive. Alive, and wanting to stay that way. He thinks back to that feeling, the experience of recognizing that fact, trying to channel it into words.]
What I told you before... when I was still messed up in the head? It was all true. And it still is.
[He opens his eyes again, worried, infinitely sad, but determined, too. It hurts, it sucks, but he won't let this beat them. Not ever.]
Sometimes... sometimes I still think back on that. That some people would be better off if I was gone. There's bad days. I can't promise there won't always be bad days now and then. This memory's a part of me now, and I hate knowing that I'm capable of... of trying.
[He gives Teddy's hand a squeeze, needing that contact, needing him to feel it.]
But I know you're not one of them. Even if I hate myself for what I did, for how I hurt you... even for who I am, sometimes. I know you wouldn't be better off without me. If I left you like that, I... it would be selfish. It wouldn't be for you, no matter how I'd try to justify it like that. I'd just be ending my own pain, and that's... not very heroic, is it.
[He doesn't feel like a hero anymore. But he's not exactly a villain, either. The world really isn't so black and white like that. It's hard, acknowledging that. It seems like everything is hard these days.
But it doesn't have to be. Not always.]
Teddy, I... I'm scared. I'm scared of this thing inside me- not whatever was messing with my head, but what's in me, just me. This power. I think about- what happened with Wanda, the alternate reality she made, the way she depowered or killed all the mutants... I can't have that be me. I can't have that be my legacy, or the only thing that people remember me for. That's what I'd rather die than become. Not some kind of... self-deprecating burden on your shoulders. That's a stupid, selfish reason to give up on myself.
[action]
It's the first thing that pops into Teddy's head, and he pushes it back down. He has to believe in the promise Billy gave him, a genuine one this time, not one to try soothing his worries. As much as Billy talks about this, about how he's capable of trying, how he still thinks some people would be better off without him, how there'd be bad days, how he's so scared of himself... As much as he says all of this, Teddy needs to believe.
But it's hard, when he sounds so...
Teddy finally opens his eyes to look at him, fighting to look like this isn't slowly devastating him. It's the little things that give it away; the way his jaw is set, the almost-too-determined way his eyes look, and probably most of all, the way he swallows - it's too big of one to be normal, even though his shifting made it easier and less noticeable to swallow the lump there.
He stays quiet, though. In case Billy has more to say.]
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