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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up
[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.
First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.
After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.
They'd be wrong, but.
This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]
...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.
["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]
...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...
[....]
...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.
Thanks. For hearing me out.
[And... that's that.]
First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.
After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.
They'd be wrong, but.
This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]
...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.
["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]
...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...
[....]
...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.
Thanks. For hearing me out.
[And... that's that.]
[action] gosh don't brag that's not sexy at all
Should we talk about it?
[His fear of the word aside, he knows better than to ask if Teddy wants to. Generally the answer would be no. It's so much easier to just brush it aside and hope it goes away by itself, though the downside is that it tends to build up over time.
He doesn't want Teddy to do that- not again. Not with him.]
[action] omg we're not even going for sexy here you perv
[It slips out, because it's so easy to do. Noting that, Teddy shuts his eyes and shakes his head.]
I mean. We probably should, yeah... But you're not going to like it. We can talk about it later.
[action] BUT IT'S GOOD WHEN YOU'RE SEXY
...I can not like it now, or I can not like it later, but... either way, I won't be able to stop thinking about it until I know. You might as well...
[It's out, now. Better to get it over with.]
[action] I CAN'T BE SEXY ALL THE TIME (and tw for attempted suicide)
What if he pushes me away, what if I go too far, what if he doesn't want to talk, what if I'm making a mistake...
But he needs to know. Needs it, or else he'll never stop lying awake at night and watching Billy's chest rise and fall, he'll never feel his heart beating against him and wonder why he would ever want to stop that, if he still wants to, if he might...
He lets out a sigh. Right. Now or never. And Billy will only worry more if it's never.
And with at, Teddy turns, taking Billy's hand off of his shoulder in favor of holding it in his own instead.]
We talked about this once, but you were still... [He gestures to his eyes with his free hand.] After you tried to... [He takes in a deep breath; goddammit, Teddy, you're stronger than this. Act if you have to.] After you tried to kill yourself. I just need to make sure, now that it's gone. You aren't going to try again, right? You really don't want to? I mean... You tried once, so...
[His hand tightens around Billy's, and he can already feel that little ball of pain in his chest, that same fear that gripped him when Billy confessed what he tried to do. He keeps it down; this is something they need to talk about, and Teddy panicking over this won't do them any good.]
[action] okay yeah no sexy here...
Suddenly, he regrets pressing the issue, and he tries desperately to mask his expression, failing miserably because he's never been good at that when his emotions are running high. He's too honest to allow for it. His voice is somewhat shaky as he finally replies, and he hates himself a little more for it.]
I... I don't... think we should talk about... that.
[Anything. Literally anything would be better. Anything but the second biggest mistake he'd ever made in his life.]
[action] sexiness is forbidden here
Teddy can go back to keeping it inside, watching Billy when he doesn't know it, wondering how much would be too much, wondering if he's good enough to stay alive for, wondering if he'll lose him someday. He'll drift off and think of Billy dying at the hands of the Malnosso, how his fear and grief and rage had nearly thwarted their efforts to keep him powerless. And he'll think of stepping outside and wondering if Billy's okay, and what he would've walked in on if Billy had succeeded...
No, they need to talk about this. They've spent too long hiding and covering things up, pushing them under a rug to try keeping this fragile thing they have, once so strong, intact. But they can't get anywhere if it stays that way.
Teddy's free hand finds its way to Billy's cheek when he speaks up again.]
I think... I know we should talk about it. We should talk about a lot of things. I'm not going to keep walking around eggshells when our two year anniversary is so close. [He wants them to be stronger, not the same, once they get to that point.]
I promise, I won't freak out again... I just want to talk.
[action] only seriousness and pain
He has his doubts, but Teddy...he looks so sure. And it's such a stark contrast to how he'd been before, when Billy had confessed what he'd tried to do. If he keeps quiet now, tries to shut himself up and dodge Teddy's worries, it would just get worse again. They're already recovering, step by step. billy doesn't want to be the cause of all their efforts backpedaling. He doesn't want to be a coward.
And... he's not afraid of Teddy.
Just... hurting him.
I don't ever want to hurt him again.
He closes his eyes, feeling pained, somewhat numb, his body trembling a little beneath Teddy's hand. They should talk about a lot of things. Everything, really. Everything they can't talk about with anyone else. And he doesn't want Teddy to ever be too afraid or uncertain to talk to him about something. It wouldn't be right.
And that means... he needs to do this. He needs to talk about all the things he's feeling, everything he's kept inside and tried to work through on his own. Who knows, maybe it'll help.
Really, he's just desperately hoping it won't hurt.]
...I won't... try again. I promise. I can't. And not just because I'm not using magic anymore. Not just because it's pointless to do here, either.
[There are so many ways a person can die, so many ways to end their own life, and none of them appeal to him anymore, certainly not the way they had in that moment. Not guns or knives or pills or even the window Teddy's pulled him off, worrying he would do something he'd already attempted. None of them were solutions to the problems that persisted - his self-worth, his guilt, his fear - and only one had taught him that he still had a will to live.]
I couldn't... bring myself to do it. Once was enough. It's not what I...
[....]
...I won't. I promise. I won't.
[And there's more, there's so much more he could say, if he could find the words to say it. But before he even tries, he needs to make that clear. He needs Teddy to know that no matter what he says next, no matter what he accidentally admits or believes or feels or any of that, he isn't going to do it.]
[action] the most awful pain
Billy's heart rate is a little faster, but he knows that's from nervousness over the matter itself rather than if Teddy might catch him lying. He's trembling, afraid of something. The topic again, probably, and it's why he looks so pained, too. Billy's always an open book, but it wasn't long ago that Teddy questioned his ability to read it, so he tries harder this time. He needs to, because this is important.
...
There are no lies here. No half-hearted promises that'll only be broken in the future, no detached way of trying to calm Teddy down. It's a real promise, and a real assertion that he won't do it again.
It's not quite enough to soothe Teddy's worries fully, but he can at least relax a little. He knew the ways a person could kill themselves, and Teddy ended up watching Billy more carefully than ever when he'd get anywhere near those things. A knife for cutting dinner, pills for a headache, the window where they live so high up, listening when he'd be in the shower to see if he was in there too long or brought anything with him... And he can stop all of that now. Or, at least, relax a little.
But Billy's not done yet. So Teddy nods, fingers tracing against the heartbeat he can feel against Billy's neck a few times, the one his own heart had always strove to match before, and doesn't do so now, if only to keep himself calm.]
Okay. I believe you. [He tilts his head slightly, his expression becoming more open and questioning instead of focused. What else is there?]
[action]
...God. God. Please let this not be a mistake.]
It... it was... the day I tried to... I mean, when I made that... fake family. For you. When you went to the bathroom, I- [He cuts himself off, reaching a hand up to cover Teddy's, his heartbeat picking up again, this time in something of a panic.] And it's not your fault! I didn't want to tell you, because... it's not. I never wanted you to blame yourself. What you did? How you had to get away from me? Anyone would've done it. It's all on me.
[He's not sure if that was the right thing to do. It is the kind of thing Teddy would blame himself for- not being there when Billy needed him, or something equally absurd. What Billy had done was awful. It wasn't something you were supposed to forgive, or coddle, or be gentle with. It wouldn't have been right or honest if he'd done that.
He has to trust Teddy, though. To hear him out.]
But... I lost it, for a while. I thought about- everything I'd done to you, how I hurt you, how I kept hurting you over and over. I was a mess. It'd been what, a month? A whole month, and you took care of me, even with all that I put you through... even when you had all those doubts about us, how I felt, in your head. I thought... how can I do this to him? How do I keep doing this to him? You deserved so much better than what I was giving you. And every time I tried to help I just made it all worse.
[Broken promises, empty conversations, vacant stares. Frigid, lifeless touches that did nothing to soothe his worries. Unwanted spells and hands around his neck, squeezing, choking--]
I thought... if I made it bad, really bad, just one last time... and then was gone... things could get better for you. I can't even describe to you how much sense it made to me at the time. It was so simple, I wondered how I hadn't thought of it before then. Once the thought was in my head I couldn't stop thinking about it. I thought it over and over, and then I said it, and it became a spell.
[action]
It's passed now, and what's in the present is important. Even though everything he says next doesn't do him much good either, especially the last part. Things would get better for him? Ha... does Billy have any idea what that would've done to Teddy? If he came out of the bathroom and found Billy dead, killed himself before Teddy could stop him, because Teddy lost it enough to run away and not think about him for a few minutes?
He wants to say all of that. Take Billy's shoulders and grip tight and say it all, ask it all. But that would be giving in to the panic on the edge of his mind, and he - he needs to hear Billy out first. There's still more, he knows it.
So Teddy shuts his eyes, nods, and only says one thing, and he's proud of the fact that his voice is only a little rough, not shaky, not cracking anywhere.]
And... it didn't work.
[action]
...Yeah. And that... I think... it's what freaked me out the most. You can't imagine- I'd never want you to, but- how it feels? To go from... thinking, desperately believing that all you can do with your life is just to let it end... to realizing that's the one thing you can't do. All that power, all that magic, as much as I chanted and chanted and told myself over and over... it didn't mean anything, because it wasn't how I felt.
[He closes his eyes now too, breathing in, breathing out, trying to let the air in his lungs calm him, sooth his racing heartbeat. He's alive. Alive, and wanting to stay that way. He thinks back to that feeling, the experience of recognizing that fact, trying to channel it into words.]
What I told you before... when I was still messed up in the head? It was all true. And it still is.
[He opens his eyes again, worried, infinitely sad, but determined, too. It hurts, it sucks, but he won't let this beat them. Not ever.]
Sometimes... sometimes I still think back on that. That some people would be better off if I was gone. There's bad days. I can't promise there won't always be bad days now and then. This memory's a part of me now, and I hate knowing that I'm capable of... of trying.
[He gives Teddy's hand a squeeze, needing that contact, needing him to feel it.]
But I know you're not one of them. Even if I hate myself for what I did, for how I hurt you... even for who I am, sometimes. I know you wouldn't be better off without me. If I left you like that, I... it would be selfish. It wouldn't be for you, no matter how I'd try to justify it like that. I'd just be ending my own pain, and that's... not very heroic, is it.
[He doesn't feel like a hero anymore. But he's not exactly a villain, either. The world really isn't so black and white like that. It's hard, acknowledging that. It seems like everything is hard these days.
But it doesn't have to be. Not always.]
Teddy, I... I'm scared. I'm scared of this thing inside me- not whatever was messing with my head, but what's in me, just me. This power. I think about- what happened with Wanda, the alternate reality she made, the way she depowered or killed all the mutants... I can't have that be me. I can't have that be my legacy, or the only thing that people remember me for. That's what I'd rather die than become. Not some kind of... self-deprecating burden on your shoulders. That's a stupid, selfish reason to give up on myself.
[action]
It's the first thing that pops into Teddy's head, and he pushes it back down. He has to believe in the promise Billy gave him, a genuine one this time, not one to try soothing his worries. As much as Billy talks about this, about how he's capable of trying, how he still thinks some people would be better off without him, how there'd be bad days, how he's so scared of himself... As much as he says all of this, Teddy needs to believe.
But it's hard, when he sounds so...
Teddy finally opens his eyes to look at him, fighting to look like this isn't slowly devastating him. It's the little things that give it away; the way his jaw is set, the almost-too-determined way his eyes look, and probably most of all, the way he swallows - it's too big of one to be normal, even though his shifting made it easier and less noticeable to swallow the lump there.
He stays quiet, though. In case Billy has more to say.]
[action]
...no. He can't do that to Teddy. Not when he's already lost so much. Not when he knows what a good thing they have here, even with how damaged he is. He doesn't feel like he's worth much, but he isn't worth nothing. Not as long as Teddy loves him.]
There's too much I have left to do in my life... to just give up on it. I don't know what yet - or how, or even why - but I do know that I want to be a part of your life. I hate the thought of leaving you more than I could ever hate myself. I won't die. I won't let myself die.
[He lifts Teddy's hands, pressing his lips against them for a long, tenderly desperate moment.]
Please, please believe me. I won't do it again. Not ever... and if I start to feel that way again, I'll come to you, or Kate, or anyone who'll listen. I won't let myself go through it alone. Not when I have people on my side...
[action]
People are always cut out of his life, one way or another. Sometimes, Teddy feels like he should just never expect any good things to happen to him anymore.
But he promised not to freak out, and that includes letting his thoughts travel down such a miserable path. He promised. And with Billy's words and actions, he feels like he can actually keep that promise now. The fear that keeps threatening to choke him fades to a thrum in his chest, and he feels himself relax, fingers uncurling in Billy's hands. Finally... it's easier to believe what he's saying. Or, even better, believe in him, and trust him to keep his word.
He scoots closer, his hands tightening around Billy's as he pulls them toward himself again, finally deciding to get some words in.]
There's always going to be people on your side, even if you feel like you're alone. You never have to go through any of this by yourself. I'm not going to leave you, ever. I want to be a part of your life, too, and that means being a part of the ups and the downs.
[He slips a hand free to pull one of Billy's to his heart, which is still beating faster due to his own little panic.]
Always remember that. You've got me, you've got your friends, you've got a lot of people who're willing to listen. Keep fighting. I know you've got a lot to live for. Just... [He curls his fingers around Billy's hand again; god, this is hard.] Just keep remembering that.
[action]
Still, it's gotten them talking. They need this- to be free, open with one another. To be themselves, to share their thoughts, however unpleasant or dark or self-deprecating. Because if they can't share those with each other, who can they share them with?
I hate myself, but I love you.
You hate yourself, but you love me.
So we'll love each other, and... someday we can love ourselves again, too, can't we...?
He knows what he loves about Teddy. He doesn't understand what Teddy loves about him, after everything that's happened, but if Teddy can love him then there must be something in him that's worth it.]
...I won't forget it again. I won't leave. I love you... too much to let go like that...
[Not unless you want me to. That's a choice you can make, if you change your mind.
But I don't... think you will. Not now. Not after hearing all of that.
We'll both stay, and... we'll both be okay. Together.]
[action]
[He knows what he loves about Billy; he could write a novel on all the things he loves, from the hidden little quirks to what's shown on his sleeve every day. The thought of all those things packed into the energetic body of his boyfriend being snuffed out kills him, inside and out, leaving him unsure of what his fate would be after that.
Still keeping Billy's hand against his heart, Teddy reaches out his other one to pull Billy in by the back of his neck, pulling him in close enough to look him in the eyes.]
I'm glad it didn't work. Your spell. I'm glad you're still here... I'm glad you're still fighting. [He strokes the top of Billy's neck with his thumb, and he leaves him to keep his hand over his heart if he wants by lifting his other hand to press against Billy's cheek.] There's always another way. Always. Giving up... It's never the answer. There's always another way that's better for everyone. You, me, and everyone else. Like you, holding on until that thing left you, and... And me, and Natasha, and so many other people who found that other way.
[He tugs on Billy's neck again until they can touch foreheads, and he shuts his eyes, just soaking in his boyfriend's presence and being so, so grateful to whoever's watching out for him that he can still do this with him.]
I know it's hard to see. But it's there. And I want to help you find it... if it gets bad.
[action]
It's not what he... what he wants. If he'll allow himself to want something, quietly, just for a moment.]
I'm glad... it didn't work, too. Really. Giving up, disappearing, dying... that would be a coward's way of dealing with this. I'd... rather not be that. Especially when it does this to you.
[His fingers curl a little against Teddy's shirt, and he tilts his head to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, if that's okay. He hopes it's okay.]
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.
[action]
This is what you mean, isn't it? You can feel it, right?
That's what you do to me.
Sometimes his heart beats faster with joy, excitement, exertion, love. But at times like this... it does so with fear, anxiousness, dread. Because he's lost too much now, and losing the most important person in his life would be the worst thing to ever happen to him. The world would be without the light and laughter and buzzing energy of Billy Kaplan, even for just a week, and that same light would go out in Teddy's life, leaving him in nothing but darkness even when he returned.
He can control his features, but he can't control his emotions, and he can't control his heart. His organs are the one thing he generally doesn't mess with, save for changes that are automatic; it's too risky, and it always ends up hurting or making him double over or feel like he suddenly can't breathe. This right here, Billy's hand against his heart, is the truest way to know how Teddy Altman feels about something. He may look controlled and calm, but his heart is saying something different. It's strong and steady, as he's been reassured and believes now, but still quick, still afraid of the possibility.
This is what you do to me...]
... If I did any of that... If my powers went crazy, if something made me hurt people, if it felt like I couldn't stop even if I wanted to, I...
I think I'd feel the same way. I'd... rather die than keep hurting people. Hurting you.
[He tightens his grip on Billy's hand, his heart giving off a single stronger beat before returning to normal.] But we're here. We're alive. We're alive. And maybe what we've got isn't as good as before right now... but we're getting there. We're together and we're alive. And we're going to keep being that way.
[action]
Instead he allows himself to feel that pounding heartbeat and waits it out, pressed close to Teddy's body, silently willing it to calm down. He nods in response to the blond's words, his eyes closing helplessly. Alive... together. It's honestly all he's ever wanted, and for Teddy to offer it so freely after all that's happened is a gift he doesn't deserve but doesn't think he could live without, either. Which is a stupid thing to think, in the middle of a discussion about the will to live, but he can't help it. Teddy is such a huge part of his life now, that the very idea just...
He bites his lip, thinking back to his talk with Kate. He'd promised to try and talk about it... to ask, if it worried him so much. As long as they were being open, maybe now was a good time.]
Teddy... do you...
[He hesitates, thinking twice, then forges ahead. It's hard to imagine coming up with the courage to ask again.]
...Can you forgive me? For what I did?
[action]
Can he forgive Billy for what he'd done?]
Oh, Billy... [He pulls his head back, just enough to let Billy see his face clearly, and holds the hand over his heart with both of his own.] I've already forgiven you. I'm going to say that first.
[He pauses, letting that sink in, before he goes on ahead.]
It wasn't immediate. It wasn't because you or anyone else might've wanted me to do it. I was so... angry and hurt, and I didn't know what to think. If I'd said I forgave you while I was feeling that way, I would've been lying.
[And Teddy does feel a little bad for feeling that way, even if he knows that's dumb. What Billy had done to him wasn't okay in the slightest, and it cut deeper blows in Teddy than anything he ever felt in his life. Seeing him with another person, even if it was just a construct, nearly killing him, seeming to choose that construct over him... Spending all that time so lifeless, never answering any of his questions, never acknowledging him or giving him any reason to dispel his doubts... Bringing his mother back, only an illusion of her, making it all wrong... Telling him to leave him in the tunnels right after, nearly taking his own life... Breaking promise after promise, giving him nothing but empty words and vacant touches...
There was no way he could possibly forgive him during that time.]
But you've done so much since then. You came back to me... You did everything you could to show me that you love me, and how sorry you were for everything. You've been trying to make it up to me... Even if I already told you why I can't agree with your way of doing it. [Giving, giving, giving, never letting Teddy give back, never taking, never doing what he wants...] You're doing your best when everything seemed to be against you. You're fighting. You're not giving up. You didn't just tell yourself you weren't good for me and let me go, or tried to push me out... You tried everything you could to make sure I was okay.
You put your all into this, and that's one of the reasons I fell so hard for you in the first place.
[He smiles then, warm and bright.] So yeah. I do. I do forgive you. I might still have... problems because of it, but I've already forgiven you.
[action]
His first instinct - always, now, a habit he's struggled with since regaining his senses and one he's not sure if he really should fight - is to apologize, but he fends it off somehow. Instead he leans in, wraps his arms around Teddy, and buries his face into the blond's shoulder, eyes clenched to fight back the tears suddenly filling his eyes. They're happy this time, though. Lately the tears he'd shed with Teddy have been happy. (Or at least not as miserable.) His voice is muffled, but still coherent enough, as he whispers into the fabric-]
I love you... I love you...
[Yes, he could apologize. But his voice can be better spent on words of love instead of regret.]
[action]
It's been an extremely long day for Billy, and they just got through a very difficult talk. Seeing him react like this, telling him he loves him and feeling so happy, something Teddy can feel rather than see, is like opening a curtain and allowing the sun to shine in.
His Billy with a little bit of light again, even if it might not be for long, and Teddy absolutely basks in it and feels much the same happiness and relief right along with him.]
I love you too... I love you so much...
[action]
That's all he really wants- this love, this relationship, this perfection, as long as he can keep it.]