selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Considering how Teddy doesn't freeze or pull away, being kissed there is certainly okay. His hand does drift away from Billy's cheek, but only to rest over the one on his heart, holding it there.

This is what you mean, isn't it? You can feel it, right?

That's what you do to me.

Sometimes his heart beats faster with joy, excitement, exertion, love. But at times like this... it does so with fear, anxiousness, dread. Because he's lost too much now, and losing the most important person in his life would be the worst thing to ever happen to him. The world would be without the light and laughter and buzzing energy of Billy Kaplan, even for just a week, and that same light would go out in Teddy's life, leaving him in nothing but darkness even when he returned.

He can control his features, but he can't control his emotions, and he can't control his heart. His organs are the one thing he generally doesn't mess with, save for changes that are automatic; it's too risky, and it always ends up hurting or making him double over or feel like he suddenly can't breathe. This right here, Billy's hand against his heart, is the truest way to know how Teddy Altman feels about something. He may look controlled and calm, but his heart is saying something different. It's strong and steady, as he's been reassured and believes now, but still quick, still afraid of the possibility.

This is what you do to me...]

... If I did any of that... If my powers went crazy, if something made me hurt people, if it felt like I couldn't stop even if I wanted to, I...

I think I'd feel the same way. I'd... rather die than keep hurting people. Hurting you.

[He tightens his grip on Billy's hand, his heart giving off a single stronger beat before returning to normal.] But we're here. We're alive. We're alive. And maybe what we've got isn't as good as before right now... but we're getting there. We're together and we're alive. And we're going to keep being that way.

[His mind drifts to the potential of that - the sort of damage Teddy's super strength could cause - and he shoves his thoughts forcibly away from that topic. What-ifs and theoretical awfulness will only dig them deeper down the hole they're already trying to climb out of. If that happened, they'd cross that bridge, too. One thing at a time is all they can do.

Instead he allows himself to feel that pounding heartbeat and waits it out, pressed close to Teddy's body, silently willing it to calm down. He nods in response to the blond's words, his eyes closing helplessly. Alive... together. It's honestly all he's ever wanted, and for Teddy to offer it so freely after all that's happened is a gift he doesn't deserve but doesn't think he could live without, either. Which is a stupid thing to think, in the middle of a discussion about the will to live, but he can't help it. Teddy is such a huge part of his life now, that the very idea just...

He bites his lip, thinking back to his talk with Kate. He'd promised to try and talk about it... to ask, if it worried him so much. As long as they were being open, maybe now was a good time.]

Teddy... do you...

[He hesitates, thinking twice, then forges ahead. It's hard to imagine coming up with the courage to ask again.]

...Can you forgive me? For what I did?

[This is a new direction to the topic, one Teddy has to take a little moment to get himself onto.

Can he forgive Billy for what he'd done?]

Oh, Billy... [He pulls his head back, just enough to let Billy see his face clearly, and holds the hand over his heart with both of his own.] I've already forgiven you. I'm going to say that first.

[He pauses, letting that sink in, before he goes on ahead.]

It wasn't immediate. It wasn't because you or anyone else might've wanted me to do it. I was so... angry and hurt, and I didn't know what to think. If I'd said I forgave you while I was feeling that way, I would've been lying.

[And Teddy does feel a little bad for feeling that way, even if he knows that's dumb. What Billy had done to him wasn't okay in the slightest, and it cut deeper blows in Teddy than anything he ever felt in his life. Seeing him with another person, even if it was just a construct, nearly killing him, seeming to choose that construct over him... Spending all that time so lifeless, never answering any of his questions, never acknowledging him or giving him any reason to dispel his doubts... Bringing his mother back, only an illusion of her, making it all wrong... Telling him to leave him in the tunnels right after, nearly taking his own life... Breaking promise after promise, giving him nothing but empty words and vacant touches...

There was no way he could possibly forgive him during that time.]

But you've done so much since then. You came back to me... You did everything you could to show me that you love me, and how sorry you were for everything. You've been trying to make it up to me... Even if I already told you why I can't agree with your way of doing it. [Giving, giving, giving, never letting Teddy give back, never taking, never doing what he wants...] You're doing your best when everything seemed to be against you. You're fighting. You're not giving up. You didn't just tell yourself you weren't good for me and let me go, or tried to push me out... You tried everything you could to make sure I was okay.

You put your all into this, and that's one of the reasons I fell so hard for you in the first place.

[He smiles then, warm and bright.] So yeah. I do. I do forgive you. I might still have... problems because of it, but I've already forgiven you.

[God. God. After the day he'd had, and the discussion they'd just had, those words from Teddy was an unbelievable breath of air to drowning lungs. He inhales as if the act alone could draw the very words right into him, let it all soak in, the warmth of Teddy's smile practically tangible. He could lose himself in that smile for hours if he allowed it.

His first instinct - always, now, a habit he's struggled with since regaining his senses and one he's not sure if he really should fight - is to apologize, but he fends it off somehow. Instead he leans in, wraps his arms around Teddy, and buries his face into the blond's shoulder, eyes clenched to fight back the tears suddenly filling his eyes. They're happy this time, though. Lately the tears he'd shed with Teddy have been happy. (Or at least not as miserable.) His voice is muffled, but still coherent enough, as he whispers into the fabric-]

I love you... I love you...

[Yes, he could apologize. But his voice can be better spent on words of love instead of regret.]

[The relief he feels from Billy, that sense of finally holding on to something he'd been reaching for for weeks, is so, so obvious to Teddy, and for a quick moment it makes tears line his own eyes before they go away almost just as quickly. He holds his boyfriend close, arms enveloped around him like he's still, still the most special person in his life, smiling a little too hard out of relief of his own.

It's been an extremely long day for Billy, and they just got through a very difficult talk. Seeing him react like this, telling him he loves him and feeling so happy, something Teddy can feel rather than see, is like opening a curtain and allowing the sun to shine in.

His Billy with a little bit of light again, even if it might not be for long, and Teddy absolutely basks in it and feels much the same happiness and relief right along with him.]

I love you too... I love you so much...

[Billy doesn't want to end up in yet another sob session on poor Teddy, so he fights against the overwhelming urge to let go and do just that, instead focusing on the good, the simple joy instead of the aching relief. It's hard, and there are still tears in his eyes, but it isn't quite the shaky, sniffling cry that it could have been. He remains close, content to be held and to feel that love, to offer up his own in response. This is the kind of memory he wants to hold on to. Not that he'd done terrible things to need this forgiveness, but that they love each other enough to get over the issues that spawned it. That someday, eventually, this will all be just a bad memory and what they have is still very real.

That's all he really wants- this love, this relationship, this perfection, as long as he can keep it.]

[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]