selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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It's hard not to think of them sometimes.

[It's not as frequent as they were a year ago, but the questions certainly fly through his head at the worst of times. What if they didn't go to Billy's apartment to hide from Kl'rt? What if he ushered his mom out and told her to let him handle it? What if he, oh, he doesn't know, actually moved and helped her instead of standing there, paralyzed by shock and horror?

The "what if"s just bombard the mind when a death happens far too close to you.

But he doesn't want the conversation to dive into grief. He wants to focus on the happy memories. So he shuts his eyes and does his best to purge the questions and images from his mind. Talking would be easier, too...]

So... now we've got another pillow fort memory to add on to those.

[... Much better.]

[It's questions that Billy is all too familiar with- both from what he knew of Teddy, and of his own failings, too. If he'd done something more to help, if he'd just been a little better at magic, a little faster, if he'd saved her. He'd been so caught up in his spell that he hadn't even noticed Teddy being taken, and it still wasn't good enough. He'd failed them both that day.

And Kl'rt had come for Teddy... so he can only imagine how that must feel.

Teddy's trying to work through it, though, and to find peace in his memories. Billy should respect his wishes. He doesn't pull away, merely nuzzles his face against Teddy's neck, glancing sidelong at the stars glowing softly above them.]

Feels... kind of like we're camping outside, or something. Doesn't it? I bet if we opened the window, let the air flow a bit...

[With Billy already by his side and close to his neck, his body doesn't even think of tensing when he feels the gentle rub against it. He curls his arm around Billy's shoulders (it's okay, you can stay there) and opens his eyes, looking at the stars again. If it weren't for the carpet below them and the very indoor air around them, it would feel a bit like that.

Teddy isn't much for camping, but he knows that Billy is, and he himself does love staying outside to watch the stars. At first he wonders if he should go open the window himself (would Billy feel guilty about the notion that he made Teddy get up and do that?), then if he should ask Billy (would Billy do it just to fulfill a want of Teddy's?).

Eventually, he comes up with the perfect idea. So he gives a light smile as nudges Billy's head with his jaw.]

How about we both go do that? Open the window, I mean.

[It also entirely depends on how comfortable they are at this moment. And Teddy's pretty comfy.]

Edited 2013-11-23 11:51 (UTC)

[...Hmm.

....Hmmmmm.

Billy tilts his head a bit to see the window, eyeing it dubiously, then makes a face and cuddles back up again, shaking his head.]

I take it back, that was a terrible idea. It's November and it's raining. It'll just make us cold.

[Well. It'll make him cold. He's dating a space-furnace, here.]

Besides... it's comfortable like this.

Mm. Better idea. Staying in our indoor campsite and giving the rain the middle finger. [... A gesture that's slightly too crude for Teddy to do when he's not in the right mood for it, but he can always boast.

Teddy gets both arms around Billy now, though he still keeps the canopy of space in the corner of his eye. He feels comfortable under it, cozy and safe, and it's... a little relieving, to know he's thinking like that. Just a while ago, he wasn't sure if he could stand being around Billy's magic. This was his magic, and yet it felt like all the other times he'd been washed up in it. Harmless, safe, like he would never be hurt.

... Haa...]

We should go camping for real in a couple of weeks. You know... our anniversary. [... Yeah, that.]

[Billy lifts his eyes to Teddy's face again at that, taking in his expression, his smile, gauging its sincerity in relation to the words. Their anniversary... for the second time today, he considers the weight of the word, the recognition that Teddy still wants this, wants to be with him. That Teddy still loves him enough to continue this relationship, despite everything they've been through and all that Billy's done. It means so much to him- more than he can even think to put into words.

He wants to say whatever you want again, or something like that, but he knows that isn't right. It's a difficult habit to break, but if he wants to keep making Teddy smile, he really needs to work on it.

So, taking a deep breath, allowing Teddy's encouragement and suggestion fuel his courage, he tries something a little different.]

...Maybe... to the springs again? So it's not too cold...

Yeah, I was thinking of something like that. I know how cold you can get.

[And the smile does stay up, because every time Billy pushes away from giving too much, it's a step closer towards normalcy. A step towards actually being a part of their relationship, not just forcing Teddy on the bench and making him watch the plays he does.]

Maybe we could stay a little longer than last time... So that it can be just the two of us for a while.

[So that we can work on this, away from everyone else. So that we can rebuild something that's more important to us than anything.]

...You wouldn't mind?

[It's an honest question; it's been just them for a long time now, aside from that trip to the amusement park, and even then they'd been awfully recluse. And now that Teddy's finally getting a chance to be out and about and seeing people again, he wants to go away with just Billy again? It's... lovely and flattering, but he can't help questioning it. He'd expected a different idea entirely.]

I wouldn't. Being away from people isn't the same thing as being away, you know?

[Yes, they'd been a bit recluse. But there were still people around them, checking in on them or just visiting, or their presence was just there enough to be aware of them. This is to not worry about anyone else but each other, be completely by themselves with no interruptions. No journal, no nothing. Just them.]

I know I'm sounding kind of like a hermit. But I feel like... we need this.

...Yeah.

[He definitely knows the difference; he's been practicing it plenty lately, after all. While he'd been trapped in his own head, the people around him had barely mattered, half the time. It's a source of equal parts shame and relief. Since snapping out of it, though, he's tried his best to do everything to make Teddy comfortable again, but this... if it's what Teddy feels that they need, despite his usual desire for socializing, Billy isn't going to question it. He can't help but like the idea, anyway.]

Okay... okay. We'll go up for a while... give ourselves some time. I think it'll be a good experience, and... that's reason enough to celebrate.

Don't forget the fact that it'll be the day we officially became bfs.

[Not the day Billy asked him out, but the day they shyly, awkwardly, outwardly decided that they liked each other and clicked enough to be boyfriends and continue this dating thing. Something Teddy never regretted, and still doesn't, even with all that happened.

The starry ceiling outside of his vision now, Teddy instead focuses on Billy's eyes, dark enough to not even see the pupil in the low light that they have, yet still so expressive and beautiful.]

We'll have the place all to ourselves. [Hopefully, anyway.] I want to just be yours and you to... just be mine. For a while. No lunch dates, no school, nothing else... just us.

[Not to sound completely selfish or possessive or anything, he just...

He needs this. After coming back and seeing Billy with someone else - a construct of him and that's all, and people coming by afterward, and all the stresses that Billy had to go through, seeing him cry and give up so many things and hold him like his life depended on it, he -

He wants - needs to strengthen their link of love and trust and partnership again. To clear their fears and doubts. To rely on each other for the future ahead of them.]

[Billy meets Teddy's eyes for a long, lingering moment before he has to close his own, shuddering slightly at the sudden rush of memories, and the emotions that come along with them. They'd been so different back then; nowhere near as close, obviously, but so much more innocent. Just a couple of enthusiastic and smitten fanboys discovering superpowers and relationships at the same time, together. It makes him think about how far they'd come.

It also makes him think about what a horrible step backwards they'd taken the past month. Caused by terrible circumstances, and... mostly him.

Teddy's right. They need this. Need it. Billy slides his hands up to rest against Teddy's chest, still curled up comfortably in his arms, wanting to touch, to feel their bodies against one another. Letting the sensation of it cement him in place, center him in that reality, he breathes in, out, in, out. Just them. Just the two of them, out in the mountains, learning to love one another the way they did before all of this happened...

...yeah. Yeah, they need that. And he wants it, too- so desperately that it's frightening, and he has to swallow the words before they choke him.]

I really... like the sound of that. Just us...

[No interruptions, no distractions, and no jumbled mess in his head to ruin things for them. It'll be great. It'll be perfect.

It'll be exactly what they need.]

Just us and the springs.

[Teddy shuts his eyes and tips his head forward, enough to press it against Billy's.]

We'll celebrate two years together... and fix everything that happened. I promise.

[He doesn't want to dream about being killed with Billy watching on again. He doesn't want to feel himself freeze up every time Billy touches his neck. He doesn't want to wonder if Billy doesn't want him anymore.

He wants what they had back. No... He wants to move beyond that and grow stronger.

And he has a feeling that they can do that if they take this anniversary trip of theirs. Just them, them and their issues, them and their love. They'll make it.]

[Billy inhales quietly, then exhales in a long, contented sigh, his only verbal response. He doesn't have the words to express fully how that makes him feel, how the promise covers him like a protective blanket. They'll fix this, they'll get over... everything. They'll have a future, and it'll be a great one, too. He'll still have to work hard, of course - trust is earned, and he has a ways to go before things can be the way they were before - but... he can believe in it. Believe in Teddy. Believe in them.

It gets better.

And it will.

He presses back against Teddy, gripping him gently, letting his body language do the talking for him, for once. Words just get in the way, sometimes. How they feel is what matters.]

[Teddy echoes that sigh as he nuzzles Billy's hair with his lips, then stay that way, eyes still shut and Billy warm against him. At this rate, Teddy isn't sure how long he can wait until they go to the springs; now that they talked about it, it's something he really wants, especially with the way Billy's reacting. This will be good for the both of them. It'll get better, and he knows they'll both make sure of it.

Honestly, he could fall asleep with Billy under here.

He probably shouldn't. But he could.]

[Billy probably could, too... if he'd thought to lay down a few more cushions, pillows, and blankets. As it is, there's only a couple of thin, sporadically-placed pillows between him and the hard bedroom floor, and after a while the discomfort of it starts to override his pleasure at Teddy's presence. Eventually he winces and shifts awkwardly, tugging away from the embrace.]

Nngh... as much as I'd love to cuddle up like this forever, things are starting to go numb, here...

Mmmm?

[Teddy was just starting to drift a little, what -

Oh. Oh, right. That's a thing with people that Teddy never really had to suffer from. Right, he should've known be - No, it's fine, whatever.]

Oh... sorry. [He gives something of a sheepish smile as he pulls his arms back and starts to push himself up, one hand up to block against the tent ceiling, should it be too low for him.] Forgot about that.

You are forgiven.

[It's spoken lightly despite his wincing, as Billy himself sits up and stretches, rolling his arms to try and regain some feeling. Ow ow ow, this is the worst part ever.]

Considering I don't think you even get pins and needles...

Had it a few times. Wouldn't want that ever again.

[The times he was depowered, when he'd wake up and wince over the aches and pains in his body. It was especially weird in Malnosso World, when nothing else was really going on. He had so many other pains in Vaskoth that he didn't even realize it was happening.

While Billy regains feeling in his limbs, Teddy tilts his head up to look at the stars from under the cover, trying to gauge Billy's mood from it. Once he had the suspicion that the space above him was connected to Billy's emotions, it was easy for that suspicion to turn into a fact, and so he'd watch it when he needed some guidance. There are thoughts on his mind, thoughts he knows he should talk about, thoughts he wants to avoid like the plague, and it'd be so, so easy to avoid it. But...]

[Billy's mood lately has been pretty mellow; during the possession the stars had been completely unpredictable and constantly erratic, wandering between supernova-bright and eclipsing dark. When he's happy, they're brighter, the starscape painted by streaks of colours and the condensed cloud of the Milky Way. Even Billy hasn't noticed how much of a mood ring the stars are, though he has spotted the way they're always changing. Right now, it's something of a mix: simple space, a bit of colour, some of the stars twinkling. He's content, calm, and - as he looks over at Teddy, finished with his stretches - curious.

He leans over, resting his chin on Teddy's shoulder and following his gaze upwards.]

What are you thinking about?

[It looks pretty calm from down here... Teddy doesn't want to disrupt it, yet when Billy asks, he finds himself a little torn.

What the stars look like at home.

How much I miss her.

How much I love you.

Space in general.

They'd all be good excuses that he's sure Billy would accept. But that's just what they are: excuses. He looks down, picking at the leg of his pants while trying to figure out what to say. He doesn't want to screw this up... But he could screw it up by not saying it at all.

The life of Teddy Altman, the guy who can't do anything because he doesn't know what he wants or what to do.

Finally, deciding that that line of thought is pathetic and leads to a place he doesn't want to be again, Teddy tilts his head up again.]

A lot of things. Things I keep thinking about... [Worrying about. It doesn't help that he feels like he's felt worry constantly buzzing through him ever since all this happened.]

Edited 2013-12-19 05:50 (UTC)

[It's a surprisingly open answer for Teddy, which only prompts Billy to pursue it further. He lifts up a little, replacing his chin with his hand on Teddy's shoulder, his expression more serious.]

Should we talk about it?

[His fear of the word aside, he knows better than to ask if Teddy wants to. Generally the answer would be no. It's so much easier to just brush it aside and hope it goes away by itself, though the downside is that it tends to build up over time.

He doesn't want Teddy to do that- not again. Not with him.]

Nah, it'll be fine.

[It slips out, because it's so easy to do. Noting that, Teddy shuts his eyes and shakes his head.]

I mean. We probably should, yeah... But you're not going to like it. We can talk about it later.

[Wow. Okay, if Teddy was trying to make him feel less worried, he couldn't have failed harder. Billy's brows furrow, and his grip tightens a little. Above them, the colour in the stars is starting to fade as concern overrules his calm. Teddy being worried and not talking about it is never a good sign.]

...I can not like it now, or I can not like it later, but... either way, I won't be able to stop thinking about it until I know. You might as well...

[It's out, now. Better to get it over with.]

[Communication. That's what they need, right? What they've failed so utterly at these past few weeks, what's so hard to do for Teddy. It's why he's failing so much at trying to wave off concern now, warring between the desire to be open and honest with Billy but being afraid to do so as well.

What if he pushes me away, what if I go too far, what if he doesn't want to talk, what if I'm making a mistake...

But he needs to know. Needs it, or else he'll never stop lying awake at night and watching Billy's chest rise and fall, he'll never feel his heart beating against him and wonder why he would ever want to stop that, if he still wants to, if he might...

He lets out a sigh. Right. Now or never. And Billy will only worry more if it's never.

And with at, Teddy turns, taking Billy's hand off of his shoulder in favor of holding it in his own instead.]

We talked about this once, but you were still... [He gestures to his eyes with his free hand.] After you tried to... [He takes in a deep breath; goddammit, Teddy, you're stronger than this. Act if you have to.] After you tried to kill yourself. I just need to make sure, now that it's gone. You aren't going to try again, right? You really don't want to? I mean... You tried once, so...

[His hand tightens around Billy's, and he can already feel that little ball of pain in his chest, that same fear that gripped him when Billy confessed what he tried to do. He keeps it down; this is something they need to talk about, and Teddy panicking over this won't do them any good.]

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[action] this icon is so dramatic but its all i have

[action] wow did the floor beat you up that much

[action] he's a squishy human teddy what did you expect

[action] PUNY HUMAN

[action] gosh don't brag that's not sexy at all

[action] omg we're not even going for sexy here you perv

[action] BUT IT'S GOOD WHEN YOU'RE SEXY

[action] I CAN'T BE SEXY ALL THE TIME (and tw for attempted suicide)