selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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Yeah. I'm quiet and well-behaved, for one.

[Teddy feels a smile quirk up at his own expense, not daring to move in case he nudges Billy off his shoulder. He at least turns his head to look at him, his smile having faded to a tinier one.]

You're good to them, you know. You're good with kids.

[He himself tends to coddle and love on the kids too much. Billy may keep his distance, but he has learned how to discipline kids in a way that Teddy hasn't just yet. And he knows that the kids will grow up well with that in the future.]

[Billy looks surprised at that; he knows how to deal with kids, sure, but the thought of being good with them hadn't really occurred with them. Kids like him well enough, but he's not exactly cuddly. He'd be better with a girl, maybe. Too many years of brotherly tussles that only they enjoyed.

The tussles stopped when he started coming home from school with bruises, though. Maybe they were better brothers than he used to think.]

...I just know how to threaten them into behaving, that's all.

[The idea that Teddy noticed is... touching? Maybe? He's not sure. He'd thought about kids with Teddy a few times, before. More than a few times. It had been scary, sure, but...possible, back then.

Ugh, no, don't lose the good feeling, don't-]

But you are, too. Better, I think.

[Teddy lets out a quiet snort at that, eyes rolling enough to get his head back to looking ahead.]

I'm not too good with the "getting them to behave" thing. I always end up spoiling them too much.

[Which means that kids love him. He's like a huge, huggable teddy bear. He provides comfort and support, and he never fights back. He really would be walked all over like a rug if he let the kids have their way.]

And... you know. Not used to dealing with kids all the time.

You just need practice. But I guess that's why we've made a good team in the past.

[He shuts his mouth after that, because he's not... really sure if that leaves any kind of unfortunate implications. It wasn't intentional, but. But.

Teddy probably doesn't want... that... anymore.]

[Teddy's quiet at that for a moment, doing his best to not think of the unfortunate implications. But how can he not?

Did Billy not think they were a good team anymore, or could be?

... He doesn't blame him. They kind of tore apart at the seams during the whole past month... and it only seems like just moments ago that they started to sew themselves back together again.

But does that mean it's hopeless to be a good team again?

...

Teddy turns his whole body now, facing his boyfriend, though he doesn't touch him just yet. Because what if he doesn't want... that anymore?]

We can still be a good team now. We agreed on it just a while ago... right?

[Billy pauses again, eyes widening a little, and glances sidelong at Teddy. He stares at him for a moment, trying to sort out whether he means that or just- them in general, or-

...or if it doesn't even matter.

Maybe he's just thinking too deeply on everything again, and it's not helping. It's hard not to, sure, but with Teddy... he can manage it a little, can't he? Surely...]

No... you're right. We're still a team. We've always been a team.

[And always... will? He hopes, anyway...]

And we always will be a team. We got through the worst of this and... everything.

[If they got out of this,> scathed but not to the point of giving up... then they can get through anything, right?

This whole thing they have isn't just a past and present thing, right...?

Or is he thinking too deeply, hoping too much like he did in the past month?]

[Did they, though? Did they really? With the problems they've had, are still having, were just talking abouthaving...

....

No. He doesn't want to believe that they don't... have a future. They have to. Anything else is just... too terrible to consider.

Decision made, he slides a hand down between them and grasps one of Teddy's hands, fingers twining, his expression calm, but hopeful. He doesn't want to give this up. Not after everything that's happened.]

As long as you'll have me... I'll be here.

Always.

[... And if he didn't? Would Billy still be...

No, don't think about it. It scared him enough when Billy admitted to attempting it, and he can already feel fear seize at his chest just at the thought of it. Better to think of something else, one that doesn't make him want to cover his ears and curl up and never want to move again.]

We used to do this. [...] Me and my mom. Pillow forts.

[Billy isn't sure how to interpret Teddy's response- he doesn't look particularly happy or upset, so. Maybe it's okay.

Either way, he doesn't speak again, only gives Teddy's hand a light squeeze and tilts his head to show that he's listening. This is the first time Teddy's mentioned his mom since... well. Yeah. And there's still that guilt, that fear, the worry of the damage he's caused by bringing her back, even as just an illusion. Or. Especially because of that. It hadn't been real, and...

...god. He really can't say a damn thing.]

You probably wouldn't think it, knowing me now, but back then? I used to cry a lot. When I was sad or scared... I'd hide under the blankets and cry, or cling to her. I used to get picked on so much for it.

[Which... led to him stopping himself from crying in the rare times he felt like doing it, why it became so natural to him. He turns until he's on his back again and staring up at the stars, though he still holds Billy's hand.]

Anyway. When I was hiding from her, mom would get all the pillows and cushions and blankets and set up a big fort in her room. When she was done, she'd knock on my door and say she needed my help, since I'd have the last pillow in my room. So I'd add the finishing touch, and we'd hang out together and talk about everything. What bothered me, what didn't... It was always kind of small for her, but she never said anything about it.

[And it felt good when he was a kid. He felt like he was hiding from all the bad things in the world with his mom, holed up in a castle, the queen and her little prince, protectors of their stronghold and their kingdom. She'd even play along with him, letting stuffed animals and action figures be their knights or representations of the bullies in school. It was nice...]

[Billy listens quietly, trying to draw on those memories and create a new picture of Teddy and his mother- not her burning, or him in pain and crying, not that horrible illusion that he'd created, not him begging to be rid of it. Just Teddy and the real Mrs. Altman, cuddling and talking under a tent of blankets. it's such a sweet image that it's almost enough to drive away those darker thoughts and memories. He... really hopes that's the case for Teddy, too. Real memories should always trump an illusion.]

That... sounds awesome. It's really cool that your mom played with you like that.

[Even with how busy Teddy's mom had to have been as a single mom, she must have really tried to make time for him, too. He wishes he'd had a chance to get to know her better.

She'd have been an awesome grandmother-]

Yeah... She did her best for me. She got busier when she started to climb the corporate ladder, but the nights were all ours.

[Even when he had homework and she had paperwork, they'd still find time for each other. He'd get done early, she'd take several breaks, and they'd do all kinds of things together. Cook, go out to eat, watch television, watch him defeat a final boss, talk about their day... it was peaceful, even when he started to wear daily masks. It was the only time of his life, before the Young Avengers, where he felt truly himself and welcome and loved.]

When I was... I don't know, twelve? I felt like I got too old for pillow forts. But she didn't miss a beat. We'd just huddle on the couch and watch Buffy or Supernatural or something else instead. Sometimes with popcorn, sometimes with ice cream... She'd always have some of her papers nearby, but she'd still talk to me. It was... great.

[Twelve is too old for pillow forts? Someone forgot to send Billy the memo, he was still making them like four years ago. Well, five, now. Further away than he'd thought.

Shit, he really is growing up here. That's a scary thought.]

You guys were lucky to have each other for that.

[He's not sure if that's the right thing to say. It's tentative, silently worried. But sincere, at the same time- not everyone has attentive, loving parents, whether they have both of them or not. And not everyone has such kind, thoughtful kids, either. The person Teddy was now is thanks in part to his mother's care. He's indebted to her for that, if nothing else.]

Yeah...

[He wishes he could still have her. He feels like he lost her at way too young an age; she should've been there to give him answers, she should've been there after the war, when he was weary and tired and heartsick and tortured in ways he should never have experienced. Teddy always imagined that she'd be there when he graduated high school. College. Smiling in the audience, waving wildly when he looked out into it to get hi attention. She'd be there when he got married, letting him go and smiling with tears in her eyes as he promised forever with his loved one. She'd be there when he'd have his first child, most likely through adoption, and hold him and know that she was a grandmother now.

She'd been cut out of his life far too early...]

... I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for her.

[Thinking of it that way... probably dead, considering she and his real mother were the reason he was able to escape his death sentence at birth.]

[...Ah. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say, after all. Billy will never know for sure, but for the moment, all he can do is deal with the aftermath.

He shifts closer, wriggling his hand free to reach it over Teddy's chest, holding his shoulder in a one-armed hug. He tilts his head to nudge it against Teddy's meaningfully.]

You shouldn't think about that kind of thing. You had her, and... she had you. That's what matters, right? Not the what-ifs.

It's hard not to think of them sometimes.

[It's not as frequent as they were a year ago, but the questions certainly fly through his head at the worst of times. What if they didn't go to Billy's apartment to hide from Kl'rt? What if he ushered his mom out and told her to let him handle it? What if he, oh, he doesn't know, actually moved and helped her instead of standing there, paralyzed by shock and horror?

The "what if"s just bombard the mind when a death happens far too close to you.

But he doesn't want the conversation to dive into grief. He wants to focus on the happy memories. So he shuts his eyes and does his best to purge the questions and images from his mind. Talking would be easier, too...]

So... now we've got another pillow fort memory to add on to those.

[... Much better.]

[It's questions that Billy is all too familiar with- both from what he knew of Teddy, and of his own failings, too. If he'd done something more to help, if he'd just been a little better at magic, a little faster, if he'd saved her. He'd been so caught up in his spell that he hadn't even noticed Teddy being taken, and it still wasn't good enough. He'd failed them both that day.

And Kl'rt had come for Teddy... so he can only imagine how that must feel.

Teddy's trying to work through it, though, and to find peace in his memories. Billy should respect his wishes. He doesn't pull away, merely nuzzles his face against Teddy's neck, glancing sidelong at the stars glowing softly above them.]

Feels... kind of like we're camping outside, or something. Doesn't it? I bet if we opened the window, let the air flow a bit...

[With Billy already by his side and close to his neck, his body doesn't even think of tensing when he feels the gentle rub against it. He curls his arm around Billy's shoulders (it's okay, you can stay there) and opens his eyes, looking at the stars again. If it weren't for the carpet below them and the very indoor air around them, it would feel a bit like that.

Teddy isn't much for camping, but he knows that Billy is, and he himself does love staying outside to watch the stars. At first he wonders if he should go open the window himself (would Billy feel guilty about the notion that he made Teddy get up and do that?), then if he should ask Billy (would Billy do it just to fulfill a want of Teddy's?).

Eventually, he comes up with the perfect idea. So he gives a light smile as nudges Billy's head with his jaw.]

How about we both go do that? Open the window, I mean.

[It also entirely depends on how comfortable they are at this moment. And Teddy's pretty comfy.]

Edited 2013-11-23 11:51 (UTC)

[...Hmm.

....Hmmmmm.

Billy tilts his head a bit to see the window, eyeing it dubiously, then makes a face and cuddles back up again, shaking his head.]

I take it back, that was a terrible idea. It's November and it's raining. It'll just make us cold.

[Well. It'll make him cold. He's dating a space-furnace, here.]

Besides... it's comfortable like this.

Mm. Better idea. Staying in our indoor campsite and giving the rain the middle finger. [... A gesture that's slightly too crude for Teddy to do when he's not in the right mood for it, but he can always boast.

Teddy gets both arms around Billy now, though he still keeps the canopy of space in the corner of his eye. He feels comfortable under it, cozy and safe, and it's... a little relieving, to know he's thinking like that. Just a while ago, he wasn't sure if he could stand being around Billy's magic. This was his magic, and yet it felt like all the other times he'd been washed up in it. Harmless, safe, like he would never be hurt.

... Haa...]

We should go camping for real in a couple of weeks. You know... our anniversary. [... Yeah, that.]

[Billy lifts his eyes to Teddy's face again at that, taking in his expression, his smile, gauging its sincerity in relation to the words. Their anniversary... for the second time today, he considers the weight of the word, the recognition that Teddy still wants this, wants to be with him. That Teddy still loves him enough to continue this relationship, despite everything they've been through and all that Billy's done. It means so much to him- more than he can even think to put into words.

He wants to say whatever you want again, or something like that, but he knows that isn't right. It's a difficult habit to break, but if he wants to keep making Teddy smile, he really needs to work on it.

So, taking a deep breath, allowing Teddy's encouragement and suggestion fuel his courage, he tries something a little different.]

...Maybe... to the springs again? So it's not too cold...

Yeah, I was thinking of something like that. I know how cold you can get.

[And the smile does stay up, because every time Billy pushes away from giving too much, it's a step closer towards normalcy. A step towards actually being a part of their relationship, not just forcing Teddy on the bench and making him watch the plays he does.]

Maybe we could stay a little longer than last time... So that it can be just the two of us for a while.

[So that we can work on this, away from everyone else. So that we can rebuild something that's more important to us than anything.]

...You wouldn't mind?

[It's an honest question; it's been just them for a long time now, aside from that trip to the amusement park, and even then they'd been awfully recluse. And now that Teddy's finally getting a chance to be out and about and seeing people again, he wants to go away with just Billy again? It's... lovely and flattering, but he can't help questioning it. He'd expected a different idea entirely.]

I wouldn't. Being away from people isn't the same thing as being away, you know?

[Yes, they'd been a bit recluse. But there were still people around them, checking in on them or just visiting, or their presence was just there enough to be aware of them. This is to not worry about anyone else but each other, be completely by themselves with no interruptions. No journal, no nothing. Just them.]

I know I'm sounding kind of like a hermit. But I feel like... we need this.

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