selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[Dammit. Goddammit. Billy slumps back, his shoulders drooping, hands sliding down Teddy's chest, looking defeated and frustrated. Now he's done it. They were having a nice time and his own stupid issues screwed things up again, and even he doesn't know what his problem is. He can feel the difference, sitting where he is, and it just makes him feel worse.]

Nothing's wrong... that's what's so stupid about it. I just- I started thinking and that just made me worried, and... I thought- I thought- what if-

[What if he changes his mind, what if I screw up, what if it's not as good as before, what if it's me that-

He sets free a strangled little noise and leans forward again, first to press his forehead against Teddy's, then to duck back down to his neck, kissing almost desperately between words.]

Just- just let me- Teddy, please... please don't stop...

Hey, hey, whoa, hold on - Billy -

[Okay, now that discomfort is overpowering everything else. Teddy grimaces and holds Billy away by the shoulders, controlling his expression before he can see it. He doesn't want to make this worse because of his own stupid issues, and right now Billy is panicking so much that adding on to it would be cruel.]

Don't you think it'd be a good idea to wait a second and talk about this and make sure we're both 100% okay with this before anything else? That's the way it always was with us, remember? [He lets out a sigh and relaxes his hold; maybe now Billy won't launch right at his neck again.] It's not stopping, just... pausing. Just talk to me, okay? What were you so worried about? "What if"...?

[Not stopping. Not stopping. Just... pausing.

For a bit.

He hopes.

Billy doesn't fight against Teddy's hold, though his gaze drops, reluctant, feeling like he's perhaps said too much already. His thoughts are a mess, and he's sure that speaking any of it aloud will just make everything worse. His words tend to do that. He should've just kept his mouth shut.

The way it always was...

....]

...You never... had to ask before. If I was sure. If it was what I-

[He stops himself, reining in another rush of frustration, his hands dropping to between their bodies, fingers twisting together as he searches for what to say.]

...And...I did this. I made it so... we started doubting this. Doubting ourselves. And with everything that happened today... everyone I talked to...

[He hesitates at that, because he doesn't want to think about that. The tears and the pain and the wounds still open and bleeding in his heart. He's still riding out that emotional roller coaster and no wonder, no wonder he's still a mess, even now, even with Teddy.

He takes a deep breath and tries again.]

I don't deserve this. To do this, to be happy. But you do, and- and I-

[I want it-]

...I'm trying. To be okay. And it's not that I'm not on board with it, I'm just... struggling with everything else going on in my head right now.

[He falls silent then, hands clenching, waiting. If he could just say it, if he could let himself speak the words aloud, it would be so much easier, but he can't, he can't, it'll ruin everything again...]

[Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, so soon after Billy talked to everyone. But they were kissing, and one thing led to another and -

Dammit, he can't think of that right now. This is what's important, calming Billy down and either continuing where they left off or just settling for something slower. Considering what he just heard, Teddy's starting to lean towards the latter more and more.]

Billy... That's the reason I'm asking. Everything you've done for me lately is just because I want to do it. I love that you're trying for me... but I also love doing what you want. And this kind of thing... it takes two to do this, you know? Not just physically, but everything else, too. [He purses his lips, his gaze dropping to Billy's stomach.] I don't want this to be something you're getting into just to make me happy... You know how important this is to me, right?

[It's not just about feeling good, it's not just about relieving stress, it's not just having fun, it's not... any of those things. It's about intimacy and love, actually being one with the person and moving with them, it's about trust at its fullest, especially when it comes to the two of them. Maybe it's strange, to be a guy and appreciate the emotional aspects of this more than anything, but that's who he is.

... Yeah, he's always been strange, maybe he's just -

Focus. Teddy lifts his head to look at Billy again, and his hand to press gently against his cheek.]

Billy... I know you're trying to be okay. But basing your entire life around what I want isn't healthy. Relationships are about give and take, not... giving and giving everything you've got.

[Billy opens his mouth when Teddy's finished, then thinks better of it and shuts it again. He needs to think about that. Let it sink in, really hear those words and recognize them for what they are. Encouragement, honesty, trust. He closes his eyes, tilting his head slightly into the touch of Teddy's hand, rolls the words around in his head for a while.

So... Teddy likes that he's been doing things for him. File that away as one success in a sea of failures, then. But the rest- he can understand how that would be... problematic. ...No, unhealthy. They used to be so good at give-and-take, at sharing, at switching roles and letting love and their own desires guide them. Because... what one of them wanted, usually the other enjoyed, right? That's how it worked between them. That's why they worked.

Even this... I can't do it right.

No. No.

...I'm not doing it right. But I can. I can, if I...

if I let myself want it

He grimaces, feeling the frustration at himself swell again, and he lifts a hand to tug at the one touching his face, pulling it down and twining their fingers together. If they're going to work together at this, it can't just be Teddy supporting Billy, either. They're a team. So they can do this... as a team, too.]

I thought... it would be better this way. Safer. Because I- going along with what I choose is... [Dangerous-] ...it causes trouble. That's why, all this time, I...

[He's still afraid. Of wanting, of needing things. Anything beyond the basics of living, of just getting by- any indulgence or selfish request- IwantIwantIwantIwant-

But this...

I can't live without you.]

...but I meant what I said, before. That... it's for us. I started it, Tee...

[I kissed you first.

Doesn't that mean I let myself want that, at least?]

[This is much better. Billy, calmer now, explaining himself and talking to him, instead of avoiding it and trying to ask him what he wanted. This is what Teddy wants, for them to actually talk, to be the team that worked so well again. Billy needed to talk, and Teddy needed to push him into it, not just hope he'd do it on his own.]

You did start it. [He squeezes Billy's hand, and he makes sure to be careful with his tone, letting it stay gentle and encouraging.] But you started to doubt it when it got a little further. After I asked if you were sure. What you told me and what your body was telling me weren't matching up, B.

Were you doubting me? Or yourself? Or... this?

[...He's going to have to say it, isn't he? He's going to have to speak those doubts aloud, share them, as much as he fears it. Teddy needs to hear this.

...dammit... why'd he have to react like that?

I hate me. Again.]

I guess... everything. You asked me, but... I didn't ask you. And then... I wondered. If it's what you chose, or... if it would ever be as good as it used to be, or... when I'd screw things up.

[Not if.

When.

Because it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it? The answer to "when" was "before it even starts", thanks to him and his stupid, stupid fears.]

... Billy.

[Teddy feels a little smile come up as he pulls Billy's hand back to hold it with both of his own. Yeah, it does sting to hear those words... But Billy needs to hear his own, too. No more assuming, no more asking.]

That's why you need to trust me. Trust me to say if we're doing something I don't want. Trust me to do my part to make this as good as it used to be. Trust me to help you not screw things up. Just like you do for me.

[That's one of the reasons their relationship thrived. They were a team, both in and out of battle, because the trust they put in each other was full and real. It wasn't just to watch each other's back; it was to hold the other up when they needed it, or talk to them when they were about to do something stupid, or just... confide in each other when they couldn't do so for anyone else.]

Also? You don't screw up. You make mistakes, just like every other person out there. You can tell yourself that you're just born to make them... [He tightens his grip on Billy's hands.] Or you can learn from them and work hard to make sure those things don't happen again.

And I will help you. But you have to trust me with it.

[Teddy saying his name like that is what gives him the courage to look up, to meet the gaze of his boyfriend, and to let those words sink in, too.

Trust me...

He swallows hard, lifting his free hand to rest it on the ones already joined, nodding hesitantly. That was his greatest mistake, wasn't it? To assume that Teddy's just as scared as he is to speak his mind, to say what he does or doesn't want. Teddy's not stupid; he's smart enough to recognize that this should be give and take. And he's strong enough to get them through this.

But they need to do it together.

His voice is faint and tremulous when he responds, but his grip is strong, and bit by bit, his shoulders are lifting.]

...I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I trust you... I do... I want us to be a team again...

[They can do this, can't they...?]

[Teddy smile widens at that, and he lets himself leaning in, shutting his eyes once he's able to touch his forehead against Billy's.]

Then let's work on that.

[Those were the words Teddy had wanted to hear all this time. And he knows it won't happen immediately, that it'll take work on both sides.

But at least they talked to each other, and now they've agreed to trust each other, and to work on this together. Ever since Billy found himself again, that was what Teddy wanted most of all. To be loved and trusted as an equal... as a best friend, a boyfriend, and a lover.

This time, he doesn't ask. After he spends a moment just breathing in the presence of the one he loves, Teddy tips his head to the side and forward, initiating another kiss.]

[...It's okay? He's okay with it? With... trying?

The hesitation is there again, but this time, only for a moment. Billy closes his eyes and returns the kiss experimentally, tilting to meet Teddy's lips with his own, their movements soon matching up, his fears slowly dissolving back into that familiar, comforting warmth. They can do this. Work together, drive those dark thoughts away. Hold one another, be a team, regain that support system they'd both come to love and rely on for- for almost two years now. Two years. They were right on the cusp of it, and yes, still re-learning the steps, but they haven't been stopped by this.

This can work. They can still work.

Together.]

[Two years, nearly two years, and even after all of this, they're still together. A little battered and broken, but slowly piecing themselves together to become what they used to be.

No... to be better. Stronger than what they used to be, not just falling back into it.

The fact that Billy's returning the kiss, this time with his hesitation fading, tells him that. There's no doubts, no questions now. Just them, giving in to what they both want and knowing the other is right there with them.

This time when Teddy breaks away, he can't help the bigger smile on his face, and for the first time it feels completely real and uncontrolled, and the evidence of it is right there on his face.

And for once, he really doesn't care.]

[That? That was perfect. And it felt... normal. Like one of their usual kisses. Billy finds himself smiling, too, feeling content and pleased and proud, even- of Teddy, of himself, a bit. Of them. A team. Winning a battle against their own worries and fears.

And when he pulls back and opens his eyes, he can see that Teddy knows; Teddy feels it. Teddy's smiling, too. And it's a smile just like he used to have, big and wide and-

...and...

Those dimples. The ones Teddy hates and feels so shy about, the ones Billy hasn't seen for a month, and especially not since finding that note, where he'd written that they needed to be "fixed", and Billy'd been so scared that he'd never... he'd never...

And yet, here they are. Billy, for all his mistakes and screw-ups, had managed to do something that had drawn them out again. It feels like one of the greatest moments of his life, such an incredibly uplifting feeling over something so small.

There's tears in his eyes,and he doesn't even realize it. He's too busy focusing on Teddy's smile.

Welcome back.]

[Just as Billy doesn't realize that there are tears in his eyes, Teddy doesn't realize the dimples that accent his smile are there. It just feels like a large smile to him, one that he really feels after all this time... and it feels wonderful. Like a step back into the reality he knows, truly knows is his.

And though there are tears in Billy's eyes, it's pretty obvious that they're from happiness. Still, Teddy lifts his hand to caress just under Billy's eye, as if to point them out.]

Was it that good of a kiss?

[What's he- ...oh. Billy blinks, then blushes, and reaches his hands up to press them against Teddy's cheeks, his thumbs resting against the dimples, as if to point them out. And he's grinning now too, smiling more brightly and earnestly than he has all month. It just feels like his whole world has tilted right back onto its axis, spinning normally again for the first time.]

I don't know... was it?

[... They're there again, aren't they?

...

Strangely, he doesn't feel the urge to shift them away. Not with Billy looking like that, giving a smile that Teddy hadn't seen in a very long time. Not when it feels like they finally put away the masks of themselves that they were too scared to get rid of before and are facing each other, just Billy and Teddy, dumb teenage boys in love.

So he doesn't. They stay were they are because he's happy, and he can't stop smiling.]

I think that's probably one of our top kisses. [Said smile turns a little more sly as he leans in slightly.] But we can do better, right?

Mm... I don't know. It was pretty epic.

[He leans in as well, meeting Teddy in the middle, their noses touching. Teddy didn't shift them away. Teddy didn't even try. Teddy's still smiling, still happy, like it doesn't matter, like he's accepted them, like- like they're back to how they-

Oh god. Oh, thank god. He didn't mess things up. And now...

We can do better.

We can be better.]

...But I'm definitely willing to try.

[Teddy lets out a quiet chuckle, brushing noses one last time before tipping his head enough to touch foreheads. He's willing to try. Not just to get a better kiss out of each other, but to finally step onto the road to recovery, rather than be afraid to do so. If that's not something to smile so surely about, then Teddy's not sure what it'd be.

But, well... They did agree to try to make their kiss even better. So Teddy winds his arms around Billy's waist, pulling him close again, and tips his head to kiss him once more, lips parted, hoping to go for a more open kiss. He's not sure if they can pick up where they left off, or if it'd be better to go slow, sticking to the little pleasures involved in such kissing. He looks forward to whichever is the best choice.]

[The sad part about making out is that, eventually, air becomes a necessity again, and even little intakes of breath between kisses become not quite enough for Billy. Reluctantly he draws back, eyes closed, resting his forehead against Teddy's, and gives himself a moment to reflect. Okay, so... his freak-out kind of ruined the mood, and as much as they seem to be getting back on track, Teddy's probably right. Doing this kind of thing for the wrong reasons isn't going to help either of them, and as much as he wants to make Teddy happy, his boyfriend won't like being given a lot when Billy won't take anything.

So... the cliffnotes version of the issue: Billy needs to deal with his own problems first. Then they can think about... everything else.

Okay. Okay. He'll add it to the list. Deal with your shit. Later, though. Right now, maybe something to help them wind down might be useful. Make-outs are all fine and good, but if they're not going to go anywhere with it, it's just going to get them all hot and heavy and bothered and then frustrated. That's the last thing Teddy needs.

He pulls back a bit, his hands resting on Teddy's shoulders.]

Hey... so, do you want to see what I got up to while you were out?

[Teddy had been reflecting a bit on his own; he needed Billy to trust him, but he needed to trust Billy, too. He remembers just a week ago or so, how he'd been hesitant to touch him, unsure if it was what Billy wanted or not. And before, he'd been so free about it, touching him without hesitation, knowing it's what Billy liked.

In a way, he still feels it. They can work on that, and maybe... Maybe they'll be sort of okay by the time their two year mark comes around. Wouldn't that be something...?

When Billy pulls away and speaks, Teddy opens his eyes, blinks, then tilts his head slightly. Here he thought Billy had nothing but depressing conversations while he was gone.]

Huh? Sure... what'd you do? [He's curious now.]

[Billy eases back a bit, sliding his knees off the couch and somewhat reluctantly straightening up off of Teddy's lap. He doesn't really want to get up, but it's probably the easiest way to curb the whole hot-and-heavy business he'd been worrying about.

He reaches out and takes Teddy's hand, urging him to his feet. To the bedroom!]

Come on, I'll show you.

[Teddy follows suit, keeping a hold on Billy's hand, a little smile playing on his lips now that he's up and moving. For the past month, it's been rare for Billy to want to show Teddy something. Now he's taking initiative, taking his hand and leading him there, and - it seems like such a little thing, but Teddy will still quietly count it as a win for the both of them.]

Should I close my eyes or anything?

[Billy snorts quietly, shaking his head.]

It's not that exciting. Just kind of silly... and you'd see it eventually, anyway.

[Considering it is, indeed, their bedroom. He reaches the door, pushing it open and leading Teddy inside. And from the center of the room, stretched out to the bed and two corners, is a practical forest of cushions, blankets, and pillows. It is indeed a grand and elaborate pillow fort.]

[Teddy stops in the doorway, jaw hanging slightly at the sight. That is definitely a grand and elaborate pillow fort, and - wow, how long has it been since he'd been in one of those? When he was a kid, surely.]

... So that's where the pillows went. [He's observant, he can tell when a certain pillow or two are missing from the couch. That said, he feels a smile start to crawl up as he glances sidelong at Billy, then raises an eyebrow.] Felt like being the lord of the pillows?

[More than the pillows, even- Billy had pilfered a couple of cushions right off the smaller couch, though they'd been a little busy on the other one for it to come up. He shuts the door behind them so they can at least avoid interruptions from Tommy or their pets and scoots over to show it off a bit.]

A bit. Mia came over- apparently she didn't even know what a pillow fort was.

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[action] love when I pass out mid-tag and then have to rewrite