selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[Teddy is more than okay with it. In fact, he thinks he prefers this over continuing the kiss. It's a decision Billy made, one that came after fighting his fears. It's not following Teddy's actions, but rather, making his own choice, which is what Teddy wanted all this time. And not only that, but showing appreciation to just about every single part of his face, one of the things Teddy looks at and criticizes the most in the mirror - he's kissing his too large nose, his blocky jaw, his dull and cold (compared to the warmth of Billy's brown) eyes...

His throat constricts, but finally, he's able to shift that feeling away. Instead, he tips his head into Billy's kisses and lets out a sigh, his arms covering both Billy's waist and his back, every single part of him so desperately and obviously craving every single touch and kiss Billy has to offer. It's not cure-all, and Teddy will probably still look at himself in the mirror and hate what he sees... but it feels like every kiss is healing something. And he loves it, loves it far more that whatever words Billy says.

This is what Billy wants, what he finally wants, and Teddy couldn't be happier with his choice.]

[Eventually Billy makes his way through all of the features he can think to kiss on Teddy's face, and... the prospect of moving on looms before him. Usually this would be easy, and he'd just dive right in.

But.

The next area down is... Teddy's neck. And while it's no longer marked or bruised, Billy remembers seeing them, the spots that his doppleganger had held on and squeezed. It's a spot that he hasn't touched much, if at all, since regaining his clarity. He's been worried about how Teddy would respond.

He doesn't want to be afraid of touching Teddy, though. Not anywhere. Not ever. So after a pause and a delaying tactic of kissing a tentative trail up Teddy's ear, he lets himself trail downwards, pressing lips feather-light towards his collar. He'll stop if Teddy indicates that it's unpleasant, but... he has to try, at least once. To give him a touch that isn't horrible...]

[His neck has been a spot that brought unease to Teddy before, and he'd always feel the nerves there tingle with discomfort every time he rubbed his hand against it. Yet he'd try anyway, because he doesn't want to feel this way. He wants to be okay with touch, because he loves that most of all. There's only so much he can do though, from rubbing his neck to pressing his hands against the back of it, even wrapping his hands lightly around it, telling himself that it's okay.

His own touch doesn't really compare to someone else's, though, so he ends up tensing slightly anyway when Billy starts to press his lips there. Part of him wants to lean out of the touch and rub at the spot until the feeling dies down... but he can't deny how pleasant it feels beneath it all. It's like his body remembers how it feels, having the one he loves brush his lips against it, something that he always, always enjoyed the feeling of.

So, just in case Billy thinks to move away because of the tension, Teddy slides his hand into his hair, an indication that he wants him there, and tips his head back - first with some hesitation, then fully, to give him room. He knows beyond any doubts he has that if anyone can help him fight back against the memory of hands squeezing the life out of him, it's Billy, and it's through the way he touches him. Soft, gentle, loving, not forceful, tight and vengeful.]

[When he feels tension beneath his lips, Billy almost stops. Almost. But then he feels Teddy's hand against his head, holding him there, drawing him closer, his head moving to invite Billy in. To continue. Billy shivers, his fingers clenching in the material of Teddy's shirt, and does as requested- he keeps moving, allowing his lips to follow a path he's traveled countless times before, familiar, gentle, delightful. Teddy's skin is soft and warm, and his touch is a comfort, urging Billy on by contact alone.

Before too long, he graduates from butterfly touches to deeper contact, experimental nibbles and real kisses. He's not bold enough to go full-on hickey effort (and it's pointless to try with Teddy anyway) but once he gets into the groove, he's one step above.

He's glad...so glad that Teddy's letting him do this. He'd wanted to pamper him, give him something to work towards without... causing more damage. He's glad that it seems to be working.]

[That discomfort Teddy felt is starting to ebb away; it's still a constant feeling, but it's only a nagging feeling in the back of his head while other pleasant sensations take place. He's safe, he's fine, he's in Billy's arms and there is no squeezing, only kisses, nibbling at best, and it's starting to feel just as good as when Billy kissed his face.

... And probably even better, considering how sensitive Teddy's neck is. Once the discomfort becomes only a minor presence, Teddy takes in a deep breath and lets it out with a shiver, his fingers curling in Billy's hair. His other hand slides up Billy's back, just barely grazing the feathers before it goes back down his side again, and...

His hand lifts, a bit hesitant. But after a beat, he gives in the urge to feel Billy's skin, sliding his hand under his boyfriend's shirt to stroke gentle circles against the small of his back. He's ready to pull away, but - what Billy's doing to him feels wonderful, even with the discomfort, and he wants him to feel the same way.]

[Billy sets free a soft noise against Teddy's neck, startled but content, fingers clenching in the material of the blond's shirt. The brush against his wing had been teasing, but nice, and Teddy's hand under his shirt, skin against skin... that's even better. He shudders and lets his back arch, shifting a bit to settle more comfortably in Teddy's lap. It's been so long... so long since they did anything like this.

And maybe he doesn't deserve it- maybe he's not allowed to want this anymore, maybe he should be punished for everything he's done and never get to feel this way again and maybe-

...maybe...

Maybe just... screw it, for once. At least once. It's what Teddy wants. What he deserves. And Billy can't help thinking that he would really, really like to give it to him. It won't help with the guilt, but god, it might help him forget for a while.

So he keeps on kissing, continues to do what he'd been doing before, nudging Teddy's chin up to work a slow, steady arc around the curve of his neck to the other side. They're doing this. They're doing this.]

[The kisses work out another shiver from Teddy, and he lets his head tip to the side and back against the couch with a breathy sound, feeling all too well the sensation of Billy straddling him.

They're doing this. They're doing this.

...

Are they really ready for this? Teddy is, or he at least feels like he is, and god, he wants it badly.

But is Billy? Is he doing this because he himself wants it too, or is he just... giving in because Teddy wants it? Right now, Teddy can't tell. It's just a little hard to notice when that pleasant hyper awareness of his own body settles in, a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time now. But he has to be sure...

He slides his nails up Billy's spine, testing the tension and, rather than attempt to completely feel it out, he voices his concerns as well.]

Are you... Is this...?

[Are you okay? Is this okay?

... Do you want to do this with me?]

[He'd been wondering if that would happen, peripherally, in the back of his head where all his dark thoughts still linger against his will. Billy's lips freeze on Teddy's neck, and after a moment he pulls back, his hands resting in the crooks between Teddy's neck and shoulders, on either side. His gaze drifts to Teddy's eyes, taking in his expression, that uncertainty, searching for the rest of that question.

Are you sure?

Is this okay?

Is this what you want?

He can't answer that one. The words are caught in his throat, tangled up around his tongue, buried by his own fear. But Teddy's hand on his back is helping. It's... pulling him back out of that dark corner, warming him up, and he doesn't want it to let go. He doesn't... want... to stop.

He can't say it out loud. Words form desire into reality. That's how it works. That's how it's always worked. And saying it could mean forcing Teddy into it like he'd forced everyone else into those lives and he can't, he can't-

Something of his thoughts is probably visible in his expression, so he closes his eyes and fights against it, turning his thoughts to other, better things: his body against Teddy's, the heat of his hands, the thoughtful concern in his voice. Teddy isn't doing this just because he wants it. He wants Billy to want it, too.

You're too good to me. It's something of a traitorous thought, but it's better than how he usually phrases that in his head. He inhales, exhales, and leans in, touching his forehead against Teddy's.]

It's okay. I'm okay. It's... for us.

[Not just you. Not just me.

Together.]

[The expressions on Billy's face contrast with his words - to Teddy, it looked like unpleasant conflict, mentally talking himself into it, then acceptance. It's... troubling to see, to say the least, but - he has to trust Billy here. This sort of thing requires it on both sides, he knows it, they know it.

It's why he looks at Billy for a moment, just looks, searching for hesitance or any indication that he might just be trying to appease him. This is one of the top things he doesn't want to do unless there's full consent, and Billy needs to know that, too.

Teddy seems to be satisfied with what he finds, seeing how he untangles his hand from Billy's hair to rest against the back of his neck instead, and how he doesn't remove his other hand.]

... Okay. As long as you're sure.

[And with a tip of his head and a slight lean forward, Teddy kisses Billy again with the same slowness as before; it's still tentative, still searching, but it's also a step forward.]

[There's a flicker of hesitation on Billy's side of the kiss, but only for a second; with a blink it's gone, and he returns it, tilting his head to lean into it more easily. He's sure. He is. Even if he might hesitate sometimes, even if his heart is pounding with fear, even if he trembles now and then, he keeps his hold on Teddy firm and determined, not wanting to let go for a second. He loves Teddy. He needs him, needs this. They both do, don't they? So... why should he hesitate?

Whether I deserve this or not... Teddy thinks I do. That's enough. It's enough to try. To let it happen.

They can take everything else from me, I'll deal with it.

This... I can't live without this.

I can't live without you.]

[There's a long moment where the kiss continues. Teddy's hand trails along Billy's jawline, then to the side of his neck, then to his chest, fingers resting there. His other hand remains where it is, warm and stroking against Billy's back...

Then, as Teddy breaks out of the kiss and slowly opens his eyes, he slides his hand down and out of Billy's shirt, instead setting it atop his thigh.]

Billy...

[Billy's hesitating and shaking, pushing through it all. How can he continue like this?]

[When Teddy withdraws his hand, Billy feels a wave of panic, and he inhales sharply, his grip tightening again, feeling like he's already lost.]

No. No, no, no...

[He's so pathetic- he let it show, didn't he? Teddy noticed- of course Teddy noticed, he notices everything-]

Don't stop. You don't have to stop... I'm just- my body's being stupid, I can't-

[I can't make it stop-]

I'm okay. I'm okay, Teddy... Teddy, please...

Hey, it's okay... I'm not going anywhere.

[But he does stop. He lets his arms wrap around Billy's waist again, well above his clothes, and still keeps him close. And... admittedly, he has to think of other things to help him get his mind off of whatever exciting times might have been ahead: football scores, the sound of a crowd cheering, grades on tests...]

Talk to me, B... What's wrong?

[Dammit. Goddammit. Billy slumps back, his shoulders drooping, hands sliding down Teddy's chest, looking defeated and frustrated. Now he's done it. They were having a nice time and his own stupid issues screwed things up again, and even he doesn't know what his problem is. He can feel the difference, sitting where he is, and it just makes him feel worse.]

Nothing's wrong... that's what's so stupid about it. I just- I started thinking and that just made me worried, and... I thought- I thought- what if-

[What if he changes his mind, what if I screw up, what if it's not as good as before, what if it's me that-

He sets free a strangled little noise and leans forward again, first to press his forehead against Teddy's, then to duck back down to his neck, kissing almost desperately between words.]

Just- just let me- Teddy, please... please don't stop...

Hey, hey, whoa, hold on - Billy -

[Okay, now that discomfort is overpowering everything else. Teddy grimaces and holds Billy away by the shoulders, controlling his expression before he can see it. He doesn't want to make this worse because of his own stupid issues, and right now Billy is panicking so much that adding on to it would be cruel.]

Don't you think it'd be a good idea to wait a second and talk about this and make sure we're both 100% okay with this before anything else? That's the way it always was with us, remember? [He lets out a sigh and relaxes his hold; maybe now Billy won't launch right at his neck again.] It's not stopping, just... pausing. Just talk to me, okay? What were you so worried about? "What if"...?

[Not stopping. Not stopping. Just... pausing.

For a bit.

He hopes.

Billy doesn't fight against Teddy's hold, though his gaze drops, reluctant, feeling like he's perhaps said too much already. His thoughts are a mess, and he's sure that speaking any of it aloud will just make everything worse. His words tend to do that. He should've just kept his mouth shut.

The way it always was...

....]

...You never... had to ask before. If I was sure. If it was what I-

[He stops himself, reining in another rush of frustration, his hands dropping to between their bodies, fingers twisting together as he searches for what to say.]

...And...I did this. I made it so... we started doubting this. Doubting ourselves. And with everything that happened today... everyone I talked to...

[He hesitates at that, because he doesn't want to think about that. The tears and the pain and the wounds still open and bleeding in his heart. He's still riding out that emotional roller coaster and no wonder, no wonder he's still a mess, even now, even with Teddy.

He takes a deep breath and tries again.]

I don't deserve this. To do this, to be happy. But you do, and- and I-

[I want it-]

...I'm trying. To be okay. And it's not that I'm not on board with it, I'm just... struggling with everything else going on in my head right now.

[He falls silent then, hands clenching, waiting. If he could just say it, if he could let himself speak the words aloud, it would be so much easier, but he can't, he can't, it'll ruin everything again...]

[Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, so soon after Billy talked to everyone. But they were kissing, and one thing led to another and -

Dammit, he can't think of that right now. This is what's important, calming Billy down and either continuing where they left off or just settling for something slower. Considering what he just heard, Teddy's starting to lean towards the latter more and more.]

Billy... That's the reason I'm asking. Everything you've done for me lately is just because I want to do it. I love that you're trying for me... but I also love doing what you want. And this kind of thing... it takes two to do this, you know? Not just physically, but everything else, too. [He purses his lips, his gaze dropping to Billy's stomach.] I don't want this to be something you're getting into just to make me happy... You know how important this is to me, right?

[It's not just about feeling good, it's not just about relieving stress, it's not just having fun, it's not... any of those things. It's about intimacy and love, actually being one with the person and moving with them, it's about trust at its fullest, especially when it comes to the two of them. Maybe it's strange, to be a guy and appreciate the emotional aspects of this more than anything, but that's who he is.

... Yeah, he's always been strange, maybe he's just -

Focus. Teddy lifts his head to look at Billy again, and his hand to press gently against his cheek.]

Billy... I know you're trying to be okay. But basing your entire life around what I want isn't healthy. Relationships are about give and take, not... giving and giving everything you've got.

[Billy opens his mouth when Teddy's finished, then thinks better of it and shuts it again. He needs to think about that. Let it sink in, really hear those words and recognize them for what they are. Encouragement, honesty, trust. He closes his eyes, tilting his head slightly into the touch of Teddy's hand, rolls the words around in his head for a while.

So... Teddy likes that he's been doing things for him. File that away as one success in a sea of failures, then. But the rest- he can understand how that would be... problematic. ...No, unhealthy. They used to be so good at give-and-take, at sharing, at switching roles and letting love and their own desires guide them. Because... what one of them wanted, usually the other enjoyed, right? That's how it worked between them. That's why they worked.

Even this... I can't do it right.

No. No.

...I'm not doing it right. But I can. I can, if I...

if I let myself want it

He grimaces, feeling the frustration at himself swell again, and he lifts a hand to tug at the one touching his face, pulling it down and twining their fingers together. If they're going to work together at this, it can't just be Teddy supporting Billy, either. They're a team. So they can do this... as a team, too.]

I thought... it would be better this way. Safer. Because I- going along with what I choose is... [Dangerous-] ...it causes trouble. That's why, all this time, I...

[He's still afraid. Of wanting, of needing things. Anything beyond the basics of living, of just getting by- any indulgence or selfish request- IwantIwantIwantIwant-

But this...

I can't live without you.]

...but I meant what I said, before. That... it's for us. I started it, Tee...

[I kissed you first.

Doesn't that mean I let myself want that, at least?]

[This is much better. Billy, calmer now, explaining himself and talking to him, instead of avoiding it and trying to ask him what he wanted. This is what Teddy wants, for them to actually talk, to be the team that worked so well again. Billy needed to talk, and Teddy needed to push him into it, not just hope he'd do it on his own.]

You did start it. [He squeezes Billy's hand, and he makes sure to be careful with his tone, letting it stay gentle and encouraging.] But you started to doubt it when it got a little further. After I asked if you were sure. What you told me and what your body was telling me weren't matching up, B.

Were you doubting me? Or yourself? Or... this?

[...He's going to have to say it, isn't he? He's going to have to speak those doubts aloud, share them, as much as he fears it. Teddy needs to hear this.

...dammit... why'd he have to react like that?

I hate me. Again.]

I guess... everything. You asked me, but... I didn't ask you. And then... I wondered. If it's what you chose, or... if it would ever be as good as it used to be, or... when I'd screw things up.

[Not if.

When.

Because it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it? The answer to "when" was "before it even starts", thanks to him and his stupid, stupid fears.]

... Billy.

[Teddy feels a little smile come up as he pulls Billy's hand back to hold it with both of his own. Yeah, it does sting to hear those words... But Billy needs to hear his own, too. No more assuming, no more asking.]

That's why you need to trust me. Trust me to say if we're doing something I don't want. Trust me to do my part to make this as good as it used to be. Trust me to help you not screw things up. Just like you do for me.

[That's one of the reasons their relationship thrived. They were a team, both in and out of battle, because the trust they put in each other was full and real. It wasn't just to watch each other's back; it was to hold the other up when they needed it, or talk to them when they were about to do something stupid, or just... confide in each other when they couldn't do so for anyone else.]

Also? You don't screw up. You make mistakes, just like every other person out there. You can tell yourself that you're just born to make them... [He tightens his grip on Billy's hands.] Or you can learn from them and work hard to make sure those things don't happen again.

And I will help you. But you have to trust me with it.

[Teddy saying his name like that is what gives him the courage to look up, to meet the gaze of his boyfriend, and to let those words sink in, too.

Trust me...

He swallows hard, lifting his free hand to rest it on the ones already joined, nodding hesitantly. That was his greatest mistake, wasn't it? To assume that Teddy's just as scared as he is to speak his mind, to say what he does or doesn't want. Teddy's not stupid; he's smart enough to recognize that this should be give and take. And he's strong enough to get them through this.

But they need to do it together.

His voice is faint and tremulous when he responds, but his grip is strong, and bit by bit, his shoulders are lifting.]

...I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I trust you... I do... I want us to be a team again...

[They can do this, can't they...?]

[Teddy smile widens at that, and he lets himself leaning in, shutting his eyes once he's able to touch his forehead against Billy's.]

Then let's work on that.

[Those were the words Teddy had wanted to hear all this time. And he knows it won't happen immediately, that it'll take work on both sides.

But at least they talked to each other, and now they've agreed to trust each other, and to work on this together. Ever since Billy found himself again, that was what Teddy wanted most of all. To be loved and trusted as an equal... as a best friend, a boyfriend, and a lover.

This time, he doesn't ask. After he spends a moment just breathing in the presence of the one he loves, Teddy tips his head to the side and forward, initiating another kiss.]

[...It's okay? He's okay with it? With... trying?

The hesitation is there again, but this time, only for a moment. Billy closes his eyes and returns the kiss experimentally, tilting to meet Teddy's lips with his own, their movements soon matching up, his fears slowly dissolving back into that familiar, comforting warmth. They can do this. Work together, drive those dark thoughts away. Hold one another, be a team, regain that support system they'd both come to love and rely on for- for almost two years now. Two years. They were right on the cusp of it, and yes, still re-learning the steps, but they haven't been stopped by this.

This can work. They can still work.

Together.]

[Two years, nearly two years, and even after all of this, they're still together. A little battered and broken, but slowly piecing themselves together to become what they used to be.

No... to be better. Stronger than what they used to be, not just falling back into it.

The fact that Billy's returning the kiss, this time with his hesitation fading, tells him that. There's no doubts, no questions now. Just them, giving in to what they both want and knowing the other is right there with them.

This time when Teddy breaks away, he can't help the bigger smile on his face, and for the first time it feels completely real and uncontrolled, and the evidence of it is right there on his face.

And for once, he really doesn't care.]

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