selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[He knew Billy was coming. He...just didn't feel like getting up. But Loki realizes that level of laziness isn't the norm for him. So when Billy lets himself in, he does rise to his feet, and he smiles, and it's back to being All Right.

Funny how, in Luceti Valley, being All Right was a thing that almost killed him. Well, he's not a mortal in reality, and he's far stronger than that. He just does his best to forget that when Tony finally had managed to badger him into admitting he wasn't all right, it had felt...good, in a way. Or not so much good as a profound relief. But that kind of pathetic breakdown was not useful in any sense at the moment, and he has far too much pride.]

Good evening, Billy. I'd wondered if we'd be doing this tonight.

I've made coffee if you'd like some.

[Loki doesn't look bad so much as just...off. It takes more than a week of not eating properly or sleeping for someone as durable as him to really show it. But the signs of fatigue are there for the careful observer, the lack of feeling behind his expressions, and the strain showing in the set of his shoulders.]

[If living with - and dating - Teddy has taught Billy anything, it's to notice the small things, the slight differences in posture, expression, tone, and if not decipher them then at least recognize that they're off a bit. He's not an expert on Loki-isms the way he is with Teddy, and with shapeshifters, it's different, but he's been around enough to notice something.

Kicking off his shoes, he heads in, lips pursed as he tries to sort out how to approach this.]

Coffee sounds great, thanks. Hey, uh... how are you doing? After... everything. I wasn't sure if we'd have a lesson or not...

I'll get you some. [He heads for the kitchen.

Hah. That question. He is anything but all right. But admitting that to anyone is difficult, and he's mentally retreated to a defensive posture. Maybe he should tell Billy, but what would be the point? Nothing will change. Well, other than sounding really pathetic. And mentioning his own distress might lead to talking about Rogue's, and then she'd never forgive him.

It doesn't occur to Loki that Billy probably already knows.]

I'm all right. [He smiles crookedly. The expression is habitual and wooden.] If I let little things like this bother me, I've never get anywhere, yes? [Because this sort of mental mess does happen all the time. So why is he so bothered?]

[Billy follows him in, watching him more closely now that the question has been asked, leaning on the doorway. Yeah, because that's convincing.]

I know it's kind of redundant to call you a liar, but I really hoped we were past all that.

[God, he's so done with adults and their bullshit emotional constipation. At least there's still some hope for Teddy and Tony's improving, but he feels like he's surrounded by lost causes.]

Edited (wow repetitive) 2013-08-28 07:18 (UTC)

[Loki sets one of the cups down a bit harder than necessary.

He knows better than to deny such a transparent lie if Billy isn't willing to let it slide.]

Fine. I'm utterly wretched. And I don't wish to speak of it.

I can't imgine anybody wanting to talk about it. But that's usually when you need to the most.

[Food for thought. He's not afraid to push for this anymore, though he might take it slower than he had last time; this is Loki's house, after all. Though it does mean that it might be harder to run.]

[Hah. That strikes hard, whether Billy knows it or not. Because he used that line of argument on Rogue. Loki has never been bothered by being a hypocrite--rules don't apply to him, right--but still. But still.]

It also isn't my business alone to discuss. [Which he feels is a valid point. He can't imagine Rogue would like him to go running about and telling people of her problems, and he can't really speak of what plagues him without touching on that, can he.

He finishes with the coffee and offers one of the cups to Billy.]

It's just all gone a bit shit. [No wait, he doesn't talk like that. Human him talked like that. Ugh.] And I know I'm not the only one in that situation, so what does it matter.

It matters. It always matters.

[Of that, he'll never be convinced otherwise. He accepts the mug, glancing down at the steaming contents.]

Back home, on the internet, there's this stupid saying- First World Problems. Where people in America gripe about stuff like spilling coffee on their new jeans when there's kids starving in Africa. I always hated it, though... you can still worry about the issues other people have to face while dealing with your own, no matter how big or small those issues are. It's basic human decency.

[Not really applicable to Loki, since he truly does not care about the problems of most other people. It was more an attempt at diversion anyway. Oh well.

He shrugs.]

I think this one was far worse than the amnesia shift. At least something good ultimately came if that.

[He got Rogue after that, eventually. And now he feels like he's losing her in the worst possible way.]

[Huh. It isn't much, but honestly, he'll take what he can get with this sort of thing.]

What happened?

[Loki is silent, organizing his thoughts for a long moment.]

I had a family of sorts.

[That is the root of all his personal problems. That and who. The matter with Rogue is just making it worse because he is frightened, and very alone.

He adds carefully:]

Rogue is not feeling at all well either.

[Ah, yeah... Rogue. Billy knows about that, thanks to Tony's latest therapy session, but he's unsure about how much is safe to reveal.

Still, it's not like the clinic is an entirely private place, so-]

I figured she might be, after... what happened.

[Loki shrugs. Well, he knows Billy is friends with Tony. It makes sense that he would know.]

Perhaps you ought to speak with her.

[He isn't certain if he's relieved or not that Billy has skipped the other point. Better to focus on Rogue. If she was better, perhaps the other problems would be less pressing.]

I feel as if she's drifting away. There is nothing I can do for her.

Honestly? I can see why it would seem that way. It's all in her head, and if you can't get to that...

[He shakes his head, frowning.]

It'll probably take a while for her to work things through. Just stay by her side and help her with it, and she'll manage. I know she will. And having someone you love nearby when you're not... all there? It does make a difference.

[It's a simple belief, but something he wants to hold on to- the X-Men, Rogue included, have been through countless trials back in his universe, and she's come out on top so far. This is just another hurdle, and even if it's a horrible one, he figures that what she needs is support, and time.]

[He's tempted to quibble with the use of the word "love." If nothing else, it's easier than an actual conversation. Maybe if he felt less tired right now, he would.

It was so much easier to move past this sort of existential exhaustion when he had somewhere he could potentially go.]

I shall take your word for it. I'd already planned on continuing on with this as best I could.

[At least until it makes him run mad. He rubs his eyes with one hand.]

[Billy pauses at that, pursing his lips. He takes an idle sip of his coffee, looking ponderous for a moment.]

You look tired. And you never have coffee...

[He glances up again.]

Can I do anything?

[He snorts.]

I am tired.

[It's a big thing for him to admit.]

I can't think of anything. I will be... all right.

[It's a horrible thought. And a traitorous part of him misses Tony arguing that point and all that followed. Hideous; what a wreck he had been. He sighs.]

This has been a lovely reminder of what is and is not real.

[It is a big thing; Billy's well aware of that. He's wondering how many small miracles he can get out of this conversation. It really is important to him that Loki keeps talking, for his sake.]

Are you having any trouble distinguishing the two? Some people've been mixed up for a while since it all went down.

Hah. No, I am well aware that I am not a pathetic, alcoholic human.

[The memories are easy to dismiss, so long as he pays attention. Though they do creep up when he's not vigilant, turns of phrase and habits striking unexpectedly.

Why then are the feelings so difficult to escape?]

I had family, of a sort. But you know that. [He smiles bitterly. He was, after all, Uncle Loki. Hah.] Family seems to always be some sort of trick.

[He's tempted to nitpick that - pathetic because of the alcoholism, or the human part? But it's not the time for that. It might never be, with Loki. People like him and Rogue are exceptions to the rule, not examples. Assuming Loki files mutants and humans in the same category at all.

Still, it isn't what's important.]

Not always. It might seem that way, yeah, but plenty of people who've had bad experiences in the past feel that way until they find a real family for themselves.

[Billy is trying to offer him hope, he supposes. Hope is a poison. Finding out one family was a lie had driven him nearly mad; this second was just salt in an old wound, a reminder of the inevitability of that rejection.

He gives Billy a sickly smile.]

Such things are not for Loki.

[He just has to convince himself again that he does not want or need this particular lie.]

I merely have not relished the sensation of being disowned again. I'll... get over it and go back to despising them as they despise me already quickly, I'm sure.

[It feels like bleeding to death. And that strikes him as funny, that he has fallen so low because Tony Stark and Pepper Potts hate him, as they have always hated him. And he is very god at reflecting hate like a mirror, magnifying disgust and disapproval; he thrives on it. It's a stupid, pointless thing to feel such pain over. He starts to laugh, his shoulders shaking gently.]

[He wishes Loki didn't believe that. He wishes that bad experiences were just that- something to learn from, be hurt by, to get over and move on from eventually. He wishes it was as easy as the advice he knows better than to offer makes it sound. He's done this song and dance with Tommy, and it's a very, very long road to acceptance. Hell, he barely got that with Tommy as it is.

Instead of responding outright, he closes the distance between them, setting his coffee cup on the nearest free surface and wrapping his arms around Loki. He's hoping not to get shoved off; sometimes people just really need a hug, and he rarely hesitates to offer it.]

[He freezes when Billy hugs him, and tenses, and very nearly does push him away. But perhaps Rapunzel has helped acclimatize him a bit to being hugged by people who aren't Rogue. Perhaps he's just pathetic enough that he does need a hug. And why? It's not going to fix anything, that's for certain. But it makes him stop laughing, the situation no longer quite so horribly funny.

Maybe he's just tired.]

Hel.

[It's a bare, ragged whisper. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut, and then he does hug Billy back.]

I am all right. [He always is, isn't he? Or was that a different life, the one where all right made him drunkenly drive his car into a tree? But that wasn't him, not at all. If nothing else, that him had a family. That him had someone, almost like a brother, who had believed in him. That wasn't him at all.] I am all right.

Liar.

[It's barely a murmur, and Billy closes his eyes, tightening his grip a little. It's such a relief to have the hug accepted, and he doesn't want to let go. Not when he can feel so much tension, so much need for it, whether Loki's intending to share it or not. This is important.]

You don't have to, you know. It's okay to not be okay.

[Even gods have bad days. Even gods cry, too.]

[He does start laughing again, quiet and almost despairing.]

What does it matter? I haven't been in years.

[Isn't that how it works? To be Loki is to be despised, always. To be of no world, no people, no family. And to revel in all of those things, because he knows he will win. Isn't that what it means? Isn't it?]

Damn it. Stop trying to make me care. I don't want to. I don't care.

[But he doesn't let go of Billy. His hands are shaking, and his voice goes strange and small.]

I just wanted it to stop.

[Action, August 19] apparently you get some more anyway!

[Action, August 19] what am I gonna do with you

Re: [Action, August 19] watch it young man I will cry a single tear at you.

[Action, August 19] oh wow that's gross

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why do you do this to me it hurts

because you've done it to me and revenge is cathartic

/sobbu sobbu