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[IC] Appointments Post
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[Billy's tone is mild, after a pause, considering the words and the implications behind them. He can't sympathize - he honestly can't imagine ever finding a reason to leave his family forever - but he can recognize that trying to pursue that particular tangent would be conversational suicide.]
It's pretty common in legends and fairy tales, right? Going on a trek around the world - or the universe, I guess, on a cosmic scale - to find out where you belong.
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I thought I already did that when I escaped the black hole. I did not find anywhere at all... nice.
[He shrugs.
Part of the issue is just he is depressed, without really having a name to put to it. He feels like nothing will work.
And he also feels like he has traveled quite a bit of the universe, more than Billy can imagine. And all he's found has been darkness and agony. If he wants somewhere for himself, the inescapable conclusion is that he must take it.
He smiles wryly.]
I think perhaps there is just nowhere. [Loki stands alone.] I shall have to think of something else.
[But he sounds tired rather than confident at those words.]
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[Billy shrugs. There's no easy answer- to all the questions, uncertainties, and misery people go through. That's why he figures it's important to just keep asking them. Keep working through them.]
Life is complicated. It's the one messy lesson that's hit home the most since I started on the whole hero business. And I think the fact that it's so hard is what makes finding a place for yourself that much more worthwhile. It means all the crap you go through to get there wasn't for nothing.
That's how I feel, anyway.
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[He laughs.] Well, I suppose if it weren't complicated I'd be bored.
[He thinks Billy is wrong. It had all been door nothing.
He puts his face in his hands.]
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Really, who is he trying to fool?]
You don't have to believe it. Not now, maybe not for a long time. But I'll keep believing it for you. There's a place for you out there, and you'll figure it out someday.
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It was so much easier before I met Rogue.
[He's not even certain what he means at this point. Maybe it's that he still knew what he was doing until then. She's the one that made him doubt, and Billy as well, with their damned questions. But it's more simple than that as well. When did he start liking it when people (at least certain people) touched him? When did that become important to him? When did he start finding that comforting?]
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[Billy's voice is honest, genuinely curious; he doesn't move away, but rather seems to hold on more tightly, wanting Loki to stay. If he needs this, he should have it. it's so rare that he accepts it, after all.]
Was it really easier to be alone? To keep all this to yourself? To not care? Because that sounds... really hard, actually. Lonely, and... sad.
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[It's easier to not care when everyone has turned against you. It's the only way to save your sanity, Loki thinks. It's so much easier to hate, and to be feared, and not worry at all about anyone else. Not caring is freedom from so many things, and top do so many things.
It's permission to stop feeling pain and start inflicting it instead.]
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[What's easy isn't necessarily what's best for anyone, really.]
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[He doesn't expect Billy to understand this. Whatever prejudice people like Billy face in his home realm, he has also always been surrounded by people who love him. That is something Loki has never known. Or so he tells himself; once he thought he was loved by at least his family, but it was a false love.]
Caring did not save me from what they did. Just the opposite.
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[He hates what-ifs, usually - there's too many worst case scenarios that could come to mind when you let your thoughts wander like that - but in this instance it kind of applies.]
...I just don't want to see you hate something that's supposed to be a good thing, because of... them.
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It isn't the fault of the people... the people whom I've come to care about.
But I once cared for Odin, never knowing that everything between us was a lie. It has not been nearly long enough for me to even begin to forget.
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But he can't offer good advice when he's uninformed. Maybe now is right.]
...Will you tell me? About what happened...
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[Why he hates them so much.]
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[He huffs a laugh.]
Thor decided to drag us all to Jotunheim, because two of those creatures had interrupted his coronation. [It really no longer matters how those Jotun came to be in Asgard.] And of course he picked a fight whilst he was there. During the melee, one of the Jotun grabbed me, and its touch did not burn me with cold. That was when I found out.
Odin was little pleased by Thor's idiocy and banished him. Then promptly collapsed into the Odinsleep when I confronted him with the truth I had learned. So the throne fell to me. [He laughs, his tone becoming more bitter and mocking with every word.] How horrifying, to have my monstrous backside dirtying Asgard's golden throne. How desperate Thor's friends were to bring him back and see me replaced by an utter moron, not even knowing what thing I am.
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It's... natural to want to support your friend's ambitions, I guess.
[Careful, careful.]
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Oh yes, his precious friends, rushing to save darling Thor from ignoble exile on your rock of a realm where he was soundly adored and immediately feel into Jane's bed. He needed such rescuing.
[Nobody had cared about Loki, about the sudden weight of the throne, the terror of it, the horror that what he was would be found out.]
I thought I could prove it, you see. To Odin. That I was a worthy son. And also keep him from sending me to that place when he woke up. Because that had always been his plan, you know. To use me in Jotunheim. A monster king on the empty throne of a ruined, blasted realm.
[He has now been to far worse places than Jotunheim. But always, he escaped them. Odin would have exiled him there and chained him to a race he had been raised to hate and fear.
He laughs sharply.]
Even living eternally as Thor's shadow in Asgard would have been a warmer sort of hell than being banished to a realm of endless winter night. And that was to be my punishment for not dying of exposure before Odin found me as a babe.
[Odin had made him into something not Jotun with the intention of sending him back to that place once he knew what light and warmth was. For that cruelty alone Loki will hate the man until the world ends.]
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[What more can he say, really? He doubts it's really that simple - Loki's always been kind of paranoid and prone to think to worst of the people Billy's grown up respecting and feeling fascinated by, but his paranoia has slivers of truth. And without Thor or Odin around to offer up the other side of the equation, he has no argument.
Either way, it sounds terrible. And if that's what Loki believes was his fate - to be exiled to a terrible place by his own family - then no wonder he hates them.]
I guess with Odin it's... not as simple as just saying no.
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Odin is the king of Asgard... for now. His word is absolute.
[He'd once been a terrifying, awe-inspiring figure when he'd been a little boy. Loki saw the lie of that now. Conniving old man, though not a fool, was Odin.]
It all went a bit wrong. [He falls silent for a moment.]I saw no way out.
I sent the Destroyer to Midgard, to keep them distracted. To kill Thor, really, before he and his friends could come for me. And I still had some mad notion that with only one prince remaining, Odin would have no choice to keep me. [To love me.] Hah. Fool that I was; we can't have a monster on the throne of Asgard, can we? But I wasn't thinking particularly clearly by then.
At any rate. I lured Laufey form Jotunheim to Asgard, and slew him there. [Slain by a son of Odin. Hah.] Then went on to try to rip that cursed realm apart with the Bifrost.
Thor destroyed the Bifrost to protect those monsters he'd wanted to personally hammer to dust himself. And threw me from its shattered end.
[His tone has become increasingly quiet and cold.]
Into the black hole.
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But you can't just say that sort of thing to Loki, can you? And no matter who's side of the story you're on, it all sounds terrible. He can't even fathom having that degree of falling-out with... anyone, really.]
Is that how you ended up on Earth?
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I made my way to Thor's beloved realm later. And the events there, you already know.
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More or less, yeah.
[And he won't pry about it; he has enough feelings about the matter of his hometown getting blown to hell, alternate-universe or not.]
Thank you... for telling me.
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