selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

That might be true, yeah. But I can't imagine it being better.

[What's easy isn't necessarily what's best for anyone, really.]

It's better than falling to pieces. [It kept him alive through his new, much more brutal existence, after the fall.] Certainly better than giving one's enemies an opening for manipulation.

[He doesn't expect Billy to understand this. Whatever prejudice people like Billy face in his home realm, he has also always been surrounded by people who love him. That is something Loki has never known. Or so he tells himself; once he thought he was loved by at least his family, but it was a false love.]

Caring did not save me from what they did. Just the opposite.

Edited 2013-09-21 15:32 (UTC)

But it isn't the fault of the people you care about that this happened, either. It's the one doing the manipulation. If we weren't here, or if our situation was different...

[He hates what-ifs, usually - there's too many worst case scenarios that could come to mind when you let your thoughts wander like that - but in this instance it kind of applies.]

...I just don't want to see you hate something that's supposed to be a good thing, because of... them.

Supposed to be a good thing. [Well, such things were not for Loki, really.]

It isn't the fault of the people... the people whom I've come to care about.

But I once cared for Odin, never knowing that everything between us was a lie. It has not been nearly long enough for me to even begin to forget.

[This is something he hasn't asked yet. He's wanted to, so badly, but it had never seemed like the right time.

But he can't offer good advice when he's uninformed. Maybe now is right.]

...Will you tell me? About what happened...

About what happened when? {He doesn't look up. His voice is oddly hoarse.]

When you found out the truth. When you left Asgard...

[Why he hates them so much.]

Oh. That.

[He huffs a laugh.]

Thor decided to drag us all to Jotunheim, because two of those creatures had interrupted his coronation. [It really no longer matters how those Jotun came to be in Asgard.] And of course he picked a fight whilst he was there. During the melee, one of the Jotun grabbed me, and its touch did not burn me with cold. That was when I found out.

Odin was little pleased by Thor's idiocy and banished him. Then promptly collapsed into the Odinsleep when I confronted him with the truth I had learned. So the throne fell to me. [He laughs, his tone becoming more bitter and mocking with every word.] How horrifying, to have my monstrous backside dirtying Asgard's golden throne. How desperate Thor's friends were to bring him back and see me replaced by an utter moron, not even knowing what thing I am.

Edited 2013-09-26 04:36 (UTC)

[Billy frowns at that. The story always changes, universe to universe. This one is no different. But the way he talks about himself... so deprecating. It's so familiar and so uncomfortable at the same time.]

It's... natural to want to support your friend's ambitions, I guess.

[Careful, careful.]

Friends. [His lips curl in a silent snarl. They were supposed to be his friends too. It wasn't his fault Thor never knew when to keep his mouth shut, but they'd blamed him anyway.]

Oh yes, his precious friends, rushing to save darling Thor from ignoble exile on your rock of a realm where he was soundly adored and immediately feel into Jane's bed. He needed such rescuing.

[Nobody had cared about Loki, about the sudden weight of the throne, the terror of it, the horror that what he was would be found out.]

I thought I could prove it, you see. To Odin. That I was a worthy son. And also keep him from sending me to that place when he woke up. Because that had always been his plan, you know. To use me in Jotunheim. A monster king on the empty throne of a ruined, blasted realm.

[He has now been to far worse places than Jotunheim. But always, he escaped them. Odin would have exiled him there and chained him to a race he had been raised to hate and fear.

He laughs sharply.]

Even living eternally as Thor's shadow in Asgard would have been a warmer sort of hell than being banished to a realm of endless winter night. And that was to be my punishment for not dying of exposure before Odin found me as a babe.

[Odin had made him into something not Jotun with the intention of sending him back to that place once he knew what light and warmth was. For that cruelty alone Loki will hate the man until the world ends.]

Edited 2013-09-26 13:24 (UTC)

...Sorry.

[What more can he say, really? He doubts it's really that simple - Loki's always been kind of paranoid and prone to think to worst of the people Billy's grown up respecting and feeling fascinated by, but his paranoia has slivers of truth. And without Thor or Odin around to offer up the other side of the equation, he has no argument.

Either way, it sounds terrible. And if that's what Loki believes was his fate - to be exiled to a terrible place by his own family - then no wonder he hates them.]

I guess with Odin it's... not as simple as just saying no.

[Hearing someone simply apologize, rather than try to argue with him, leaves him somewhat mollified. Loki nods.]

Odin is the king of Asgard... for now. His word is absolute.

[He'd once been a terrifying, awe-inspiring figure when he'd been a little boy. Loki saw the lie of that now. Conniving old man, though not a fool, was Odin.]

It all went a bit wrong. [He falls silent for a moment.]I saw no way out.

I sent the Destroyer to Midgard, to keep them distracted. To kill Thor, really, before he and his friends could come for me. And I still had some mad notion that with only one prince remaining, Odin would have no choice to keep me. [To love me.] Hah. Fool that I was; we can't have a monster on the throne of Asgard, can we? But I wasn't thinking particularly clearly by then.

At any rate. I lured Laufey form Jotunheim to Asgard, and slew him there. [Slain by a son of Odin. Hah.] Then went on to try to rip that cursed realm apart with the Bifrost.

Thor destroyed the Bifrost to protect those monsters he'd wanted to personally hammer to dust himself. And threw me from its shattered end.

[His tone has become increasingly quiet and cold.]

Into the black hole.

Edited 2013-09-28 06:45 (UTC)

[Ah. A bit wrong, he says. Sounds like a lot went wrong, and Billy doesn't even know how to take it. And he suspects, if Thor were here, that he really would get a different story, if only due to motives. Killing an entire race, perceived monsters or no, is just wrong.

But you can't just say that sort of thing to Loki, can you? And no matter who's side of the story you're on, it all sounds terrible. He can't even fathom having that degree of falling-out with... anyone, really.]

Is that how you ended up on Earth?

[Loki laughs, his expression beginning to go a bit strange and stiff. It not a healthy sort of laugh. He needs to stop talking about this.] Oh no. I did not find anything so pleasant as that on the other side.

[It takes a great deal of self-restraint not to let how disturbing that laugh was show on his face, or body language; at most he goes still for a moment, considering both it and the words that followed. Finally he gestures questioningly, waiting for Loki to continue. This sounds important.]

[Loki has no intention of continuing; he doesn't wish to recall that time in any kind of detail. He takes a deep breath and gives his head a little shake, beginning to sit back up.]

I made my way to Thor's beloved realm later. And the events there, you already know.

[Worth a shot, anyway.]

More or less, yeah.

[And he won't pry about it; he has enough feelings about the matter of his hometown getting blown to hell, alternate-universe or not.]

Thank you... for telling me.

It's not a story many seem to wish to hear. [He laughs.] I suppose I should thank you for not arguing with me. [Because most people seem to want to defend Odin, to interrupt and tell Loki what he did was wrong.]

I'm not sure what I'd say to argue. I wasn't there, and I seriously doubt anything I could say would convince you of anything different than how you feel.

[He shifts awkwardly, then leans back in his seat.]

Besides, if I sat here judging you for it, what're the chances you'd trust me with anything like this again? I'd rather just listen.

No, there is nothing you could say or do. [He laughs.] Telling someone they are wrong to feel something is like telling the tide it is wrong to ebb.

[Which is why the point is often to use what emotions exist rather than try to change them.]

I wouldn't bother with you again, I should think. I had my fill of being judged centuries ago.

Well, there you go. Two good reasons not to argue. But for what it's worth, I'm not really interested in pointing fingers.

What are you interested in, then?

The truth, mostly. Equal representation. Justice, in a sense. Everyone's got a right to share their side of a story before they get thrown under a bus for it.

Hah. Justice. [No such thing exists.]

Well, now you have it.

[Oh, the arguments they could have about that. Instead Billy just smiles softly and lifts his mug in a salute. He's not sorry he asked.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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