selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Loki shakes his head. Why bother with this? It's meaningless. It's an open wound. It's the thing he wishes he did not remember, because it's confusing and it bloody hurts for a multitude of reasons.]

I tried to sneak out of the house, and Tony... and Stark stopped me. [He'd rather just call him Stark now, scrambling for some kind of emotional distance, but it doesn't work. Not like it used to.]

He said I needed to... dry out. Forced me to admit I wasn't happy. [And he hadn't been, in that false life. But that had been someone else's life.] That I wasn't all right. Forced me to agree to stay with him and Pepper until I was better.

[He laughs again, and it's that same painful, unbalanced sound, the way he laughs when really he ought to be crying.] Of all stupid things... oh, it's funny, it really is. Stark said then that I had a family to take care of me because I had them.

[The words are practically seared into his brain: "You have us - and we have you. Family isn't just flesh and blood, Loki."

Only it was all a bloody lie again. None of that had been real, and it was the plainest sort of mockery. It's an open wound. And it shouldn't bother him. Such things are not for Loki. He has no need of family, because he is not of any realm, of any people. Right?

Right?]

[...Ah. That would explain... a lot, actually. Including Tony's messed up state of mind, too. But especially Loki's current issues with the whole situation. Giving him a family and then taking it away is like a slap in the face.]

That... was cruel. For you to have that and then... I mean...

[As usual, there is no easy fix to this. Much as he wishes there was, complicated situations take time to get over.

God, sometimes he's so sick of telling people that. Today more than ever.]

[He laughs. It makes his throat hurt, that sound.]

It is without meaning.

[That much has been made abundantly clear to him by both Pepper and Tony.]

As it always has been. It is one more lie.

He shakes his head, still laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. It's funny. Hilarious, really, that this has any power over him, that it tears and tears. He shakes his head, seeking refuge in the old anger, the old wound, because this is just more of the same. He blinks a tear from one eye.]

I do not need these things, and I should not want them. I will excise this... this disease from myself. I am shamed that they have even this much power over me.

[In that moment, he's not even certain if he means the invaders, or Tony and Pepper. Perhaps both. He needs to keep repeating this to himself; if he does it often enough, maybe he'll finally be able to believe it, deep in blood and bone where this lie, this notion of family seems inescapably rooted.

Let him have his lie, Billy. It's all he has, now, and he knows it.]

Edited 2013-09-09 05:30 (UTC)

[No. Lies are bad. Lies are ugly and empty and cold and lonely. He will not encourage this.]

That's wrong. I'm sorry, but... it's so wrong. Why do you think emotions, connections to people, or even pain makes anyone weak? Why would being alone ever be better? When there's people who care about you, who want to help you... who've been able to overlook even when you've done horrible things. People who might still be willing to call you family.

[He closes his eyes, exhaling meaningfully. It's a lot - probably too much - but it's hard to stop the floodgates when he lets them open like this.]

Is it really that you think you don't need them, or are you just telling yourself that so you'll stop wanting it so badly?

Anything you love is a knife that can be turned against you. [He says this barely above a whisper. But he had so many things taken from him, he learned that lesson well. And he's certainly used that as a weapon against other people; it's a ready handle for manipulation.] Any bond can be turned to one more means of control.

I'd learned to not want such things any more, when I left Asgard. They were impossible. I don't know what's happened to me here. [He laughs.] It feels like I've somehow forgotten all of those lessons I bled to learn.

[He frowns, looking at Billy.] What people? [It's a strange mixture of ego and self-loathing, always in this. Why would anyone call him family? Such things are not for Loki. And Loki is not for them, because he stands alone.]

It isn't a bad thing to change how you think or feel about things. You weren't happy in Asgard, were you? Haven't you had happy times here?

[The last question... well, that's not so easy to answer, mostly because Billy doesn't know most of Loki's associates or how they feel about him.]

What about Rogue? Or... even me? If you weren't important to us, we wouldn't have stuck around.

I thought I was, at times. But none of that was true. [He shrugged. It all had been predicated upon a lie, and him the unwitting dupe. How they all must laugh about that now.]

Yes, I have. [He wishes he could lie and say no, so he could start freeing himself from the very idea. But Rogue has made him very happy, on more than one occasion, and hadn't the entire point of that been that it was unquestionably true? He'd never told her any lies, not wittingly. And there was Ikki, and Rapunzel, and Billy... he had to admit that to himself.]

You have been... a friend, Billy. A true one. [But is that the same as family? He doesn't know any more. How can he define something he's never had?]

Friends can be family.

[It's something he recognizes easily enough because of the Young Avengers - it's something he's never had before, never really needed, because he's always had the kind of family he wanted. The others in the team all came from varying states of broken families, so he's used to seeing it more than feeling it, but... he'd never hesitated to call Tommy his brother, or Eli and Nate brothers-in-arms. He's so close to Kate and Cassie is like a little sister. Even Jonas was a part of that, even though they hadn't been around each other for long. And Teddy... god, Teddy's so much more than family to him. They made themselves into a family, all of them.]

Family's... so much more than blood. Sometimes the family you're born into isn't the one you belong with, and sometimes it just isn't enough. And sometimes you lose them all and have to find a new one. But you can choose who your family is, and they can choose you. You just have to let yourself feel it. And you have to let yourself want it, too.

I haven't really had friends like that before.

[He hadn't needed them in Asgard, had he? He'd supposedly had a family there. And the Warriors Three, even Sif... they had always been Thor's friends first.

He feels oddly sick.]

It's strange, to hear something considered more important than blood. [Blood is even in the names in Asgard--whose son you are. Even brothers in battle have bled together.

But does he want another family to begin with? Is it really wise?]

I think it's becoming pretty commonplace, here.

[Billy shrugs slightly.]

I mean, how many people do you know actually do have family here? Literal, blood-born family? I don't. Hardly anyone I know does. But we make our own families by getting close to people, or finding people we love. Even without the experiments that mess with our heads and change what we believe- when it's over, when those feelings fade away, we still have those people. And they're real.

[He purses his lips, looking up. God, this is hard, talking about it, but it can't be easy to hear it, either. So he'll do this. It's important to him, and he thinks it's worth hearing.]

I miss my family. Every day I think about them, and it hurts not to see them. But I know I'm not alone here. I have family here, people who care about me, who worry when I'm in danger, who comfort me when I'm upset, who support me when I need help. Who love me despite what I do or who I am. That's family. That's the family that matters. Can you honestly say that you don't have anyone like that?

[Because he doesn't believe it.]

[It is hard to hear. Incredibly hard, and he feels the sharp twist of jealousy because Billy has something he doesn't, something he never will have. It seems many people do. And even if he won't admit it out loud, it's something he wants.

He laughs softly.]

People who love me despite what I do or who I am?

I... don't know.

[He looks at Billy, a crooked smile on his lips.] I think perhaps there are people who care for me. [Billy, Rapunzel, Ikki. Gregor had, when he'd been here.] But I wonder if that would still be true, were I not in a cage.

[And if that's the case, is that real? He's lied to nearly all of them, at one point or another. Lying is simply what it does. If they like him because of his lies, is that real?

He looks down at his hands for a moment.] Rogue likes me for who I am. I think. [Not despite. For.]

That... mostly depends on you.

[He wonders that sometimes, knowing what he knows about the Loki of his world and what happened back in the alternate Avengers' universe. And then he scolds himself, because it isn't very trusting of him. It's a valid question, though, because chances are, if they were anywhere else, they'd be enemies. In a way, that's what actually makes their alliance here acceptable. It's not something that's likely to happen anywhere else. Here, where fighting and killing is so pointless, it's so much easier to find a way to get along with people.]

Would you find it impossible to be the same person you are now outside the barrier? Would being free suddenly make you want to kill, and conquer, and rule?

[Because that just sounds... really lonely. Especially when the people he's befriended are so against it.]

[He wants to kill people all the time, in here. He just doesn't because there's no point to it, and it would only cause more problems for him rather than solve them.

He shrugs.]

I haven't decided what it is I want to do.

[Which is... an enormous thing for him to admit.]

Vengeance is no longer foremost in my mind. But without that, I... have no plan. [Which is frightening. He always has a plan.]

That isn't such a bad thing.

[He's aware of what that feeling is like- the lack of purpose, being lost and adrift in a world of people who seem so certain of themselves, of their future. Being an adult, being a god, doesn't make one any less susceptible to it.]

You've got lots of time to figure out what to do with your life. That's one of the benefits of being immortal, right? There's no rush.

Oh, I shall have plenty of time to consider my next course of action in Asgard's dungeons. Does it really matter, though?

I am ever not the person others wish me to be. [He shrugs. It wasn't like he was going to be... Prom Queen even before he blew up New York.]

Though right now, I must simply be a fixed point here. For Rogue. It's... difficult.

Edited (SORRY I AM A FAILURE ) 2013-09-18 04:44 (UTC)

But it'll be temporary. She will be herself again. I'm sure of it.

[He won't let himself believe otherwise. Not ever.]

As for Asgard... I think you overestimate Thor's willingness to keep you locked up. However you feel about him or Asgard, historically, Loki always goes free eventually. It's your call what you'd do with that freedom.

I hope you are right. [He doesn't sound confident. If anything he just sounds... depressed. Agreeing for the form of it. He's seen no progress, but also feels compelled to keep trying because what else can he do?]

Oh, I don't overestimate. I shall be free in time. That is part of the plan. [One corner of his lips pulls up briefly, but the expression is gone just as quickly.] No one I might care about will be there.

[There is no one in that universe he cares if he hurts, really. And that is where his mortal enemy waits.] There is really nothing for me there any longer.

...Sounds to me like you need a good soul-searching journey.

[Billy's tone is mild, after a pause, considering the words and the implications behind them. He can't sympathize - he honestly can't imagine ever finding a reason to leave his family forever - but he can recognize that trying to pursue that particular tangent would be conversational suicide.]

It's pretty common in legends and fairy tales, right? Going on a trek around the world - or the universe, I guess, on a cosmic scale - to find out where you belong.

[He laughs.]

I thought I already did that when I escaped the black hole. I did not find anywhere at all... nice.

[He shrugs.

Part of the issue is just he is depressed, without really having a name to put to it. He feels like nothing will work.

And he also feels like he has traveled quite a bit of the universe, more than Billy can imagine. And all he's found has been darkness and agony. If he wants somewhere for himself, the inescapable conclusion is that he must take it.

He smiles wryly.]

I think perhaps there is just nowhere. [Loki stands alone.] I shall have to think of something else.

[But he sounds tired rather than confident at those words.]

You can try that too. Either way, I do know that it takes a long time to figure out what you're supposed to do with your life. Some people have it easy, or it's all laid out for them, and others...

[Billy shrugs. There's no easy answer- to all the questions, uncertainties, and misery people go through. That's why he figures it's important to just keep asking them. Keep working through them.]

Life is complicated. It's the one messy lesson that's hit home the most since I started on the whole hero business. And I think the fact that it's so hard is what makes finding a place for yourself that much more worthwhile. It means all the crap you go through to get there wasn't for nothing.

That's how I feel, anyway.

It was all laid out for me. I'll have none of it.

[He laughs.] Well, I suppose if it weren't complicated I'd be bored.

[He thinks Billy is wrong. It had all been door nothing.

He puts his face in his hands.]

[The words aren't a surprise, but the movement is, and Billy doesn't move at first, taken aback by it. Finally he shifts over, his side bumping up against Loki's, and winds an arm around his shoulders, gently trying to tug him closer. He's always trying so hard to be tough and unfeeling, or make a show that he doesn't care...

Really, who is he trying to fool?]

You don't have to believe it. Not now, maybe not for a long time. But I'll keep believing it for you. There's a place for you out there, and you'll figure it out someday.

[Loki's shoulders twitch at the touch, but he doesn't move away. Instead, he leans against Billy, sagging with an odd sort of relief.]

It was so much easier before I met Rogue.

[He's not even certain what he means at this point. Maybe it's that he still knew what he was doing until then. She's the one that made him doubt, and Billy as well, with their damned questions. But it's more simple than that as well. When did he start liking it when people (at least certain people) touched him? When did that become important to him? When did he start finding that comforting?]

Was it?

[Billy's voice is honest, genuinely curious; he doesn't move away, but rather seems to hold on more tightly, wanting Loki to stay. If he needs this, he should have it. it's so rare that he accepts it, after all.]

Was it really easier to be alone? To keep all this to yourself? To not care? Because that sounds... really hard, actually. Lonely, and... sad.

[Quietly:] Oh, it's very easy to not care. As easy as falling.

[It's easier to not care when everyone has turned against you. It's the only way to save your sanity, Loki thinks. It's so much easier to hate, and to be feared, and not worry at all about anyone else. Not caring is freedom from so many things, and top do so many things.

It's permission to stop feeling pain and start inflicting it instead.]

oh my god I fucking made myself cry with a tag FML

are you emotionally compromised

aaaaand there it is.

goddammit laufeyson

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faaaaaail

Re: faaaaaail

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