selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[He gives his head a little shake and laughs. Billy is right. And he both wants and does not want that to be true.]

Maybe I've tricked you. Ask anyone.

[And wouldn't they all find it funny, to see him brought to low, to know that it was so stupidly easy to hurt him.

He sucks in a breath, like bracing for pain.]

And it doesn't matter. It's not helping. [He cares about Rogue, so much he feels like he's slowly strangling with the agony of watching her drift away. He hasn't managed yet to stop caring about Tony and Pepper, and all it's doing is reminding him how pointless it is to care about people who hate him.] It doesn't make any difference.

No. It only hasn't made a difference yet.

[He knows that it's difficult to keep holding on, keep waiting for things to get better. To some extent he's certainly been there, and while he doesn't have the wealth of bad experiences the way Loki does, he gets it.

Optimism is in a lot of ways the hardest thing in the world to feel.]

You can't give up. You can't ever give up. As soon as you do, it'll just show them that they were right about you. And then you'll be lying to everyone and yourself.

[No, they are not right. He will survive, and he knows he is better than them. What they want is not what is important to him. He will win.

But what does that mean here? He laughs.]

My life was immeasurably easier when I stopped caring about Tony Stark before, you know.

But no. I will not give up on Rogue. Even if I am... not enough. [The very thought is hideous and bitter.]

Sure, life would be easier if people didn't care about the ones who hurt them. But that's not how it works. You can't just tell yourself to feel one way or the other.

[He withdraws at last, not wanting to, but needing to look at Loki, get a feel for his expression. He keeps his hands on the man's shoulders, though, reluctant to break contact.]

...Come on. Keeping it all to yourself isn't going to help anything. Sit down and tell me what's going on.

[Loki knows what Billy is doing now, and it's instinct to hide what he's feeling. But he's also tired, and not so much overwhelmed as without some more pressing matter to distract him. He looks tired, and worried, and just plain sad. His eyes might be a bit damp, but he hasn't cried. It's not something he really does.]

Hah. If only it did work that way.

[He sighs, and moves to go sit on the couch. At this point he's tired of fighting about the utility of bothering to speak.]

I don't really know where I'd start.

[That's okay, lots of people don't. Even if Billy thinks he should. But then, not everyone feels better after the fact the way he does. Might be why he's cried for lots of people before, actually. He might even do it again today.

Billy goes to sit with him, concealing another wave of surprise at his cooperation, and tucks his feet up under him to listen comfortably.]

You could start with what happened? I don't really know much about it. That other me was really... self-centered, I don't think he paid much attention to the rest of the family.

[This, he didn't mind describing. It isn't internal to him, or shouldn't be. And it's something that Billy could easily find out by asking others.]

It's all rather twisted. [He turns his coffee cup in his hands.]

In that fiction, I was a... Lawyer because that was what Odin and Thor were. [It's perhaps a sign of how off balance he is that he only sounds mildly disgusted when he says the names. He mostly just is confused by this all, that he'd been made to feel that way.] And both had been killed in an accident. For which I somehow felt responsible, though now it makes no sense why. But I'd wanted a different career before, and being a lawyer is a miserable business I suppose.

[He shrugs.]

I was an... alcoholic. I think that's the word. And after having some sort of argument with Steve... of all people, Steve Rogers, this is all nonsense... I drove my car whilst quite drunk and... purposely drove it into a tree.

[He finds this very disturbing. And it only gets more disturbing if you ask him.]

I called Tony, for help. Tony bloody Stark. And he did help. He retrieved me from the wreck, and took me home, and then the next morning... Hah. This is ridiculous.

[He still remembers the feeling of Tony's hand on his shoulder, the man saying that he believed in Loki. That they would get through this together.

He hates this. He hates that he wishes for that. In that moment, he can very much hate Tony Stark.]

[Billy listens closely until he finishes with that, nodding quietly to himself. He'd heard snippets of that, but not all, and hearing more makes the awkwardness of it much more clear. He remembers Tony and Loki in that universe being close. "Uncle Loki", and all that. It feels like the next part is important, though.]

What happened after that?

[Loki shakes his head. Why bother with this? It's meaningless. It's an open wound. It's the thing he wishes he did not remember, because it's confusing and it bloody hurts for a multitude of reasons.]

I tried to sneak out of the house, and Tony... and Stark stopped me. [He'd rather just call him Stark now, scrambling for some kind of emotional distance, but it doesn't work. Not like it used to.]

He said I needed to... dry out. Forced me to admit I wasn't happy. [And he hadn't been, in that false life. But that had been someone else's life.] That I wasn't all right. Forced me to agree to stay with him and Pepper until I was better.

[He laughs again, and it's that same painful, unbalanced sound, the way he laughs when really he ought to be crying.] Of all stupid things... oh, it's funny, it really is. Stark said then that I had a family to take care of me because I had them.

[The words are practically seared into his brain: "You have us - and we have you. Family isn't just flesh and blood, Loki."

Only it was all a bloody lie again. None of that had been real, and it was the plainest sort of mockery. It's an open wound. And it shouldn't bother him. Such things are not for Loki. He has no need of family, because he is not of any realm, of any people. Right?

Right?]

[...Ah. That would explain... a lot, actually. Including Tony's messed up state of mind, too. But especially Loki's current issues with the whole situation. Giving him a family and then taking it away is like a slap in the face.]

That... was cruel. For you to have that and then... I mean...

[As usual, there is no easy fix to this. Much as he wishes there was, complicated situations take time to get over.

God, sometimes he's so sick of telling people that. Today more than ever.]

[He laughs. It makes his throat hurt, that sound.]

It is without meaning.

[That much has been made abundantly clear to him by both Pepper and Tony.]

As it always has been. It is one more lie.

He shakes his head, still laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. It's funny. Hilarious, really, that this has any power over him, that it tears and tears. He shakes his head, seeking refuge in the old anger, the old wound, because this is just more of the same. He blinks a tear from one eye.]

I do not need these things, and I should not want them. I will excise this... this disease from myself. I am shamed that they have even this much power over me.

[In that moment, he's not even certain if he means the invaders, or Tony and Pepper. Perhaps both. He needs to keep repeating this to himself; if he does it often enough, maybe he'll finally be able to believe it, deep in blood and bone where this lie, this notion of family seems inescapably rooted.

Let him have his lie, Billy. It's all he has, now, and he knows it.]

Edited 2013-09-09 05:30 (UTC)

[No. Lies are bad. Lies are ugly and empty and cold and lonely. He will not encourage this.]

That's wrong. I'm sorry, but... it's so wrong. Why do you think emotions, connections to people, or even pain makes anyone weak? Why would being alone ever be better? When there's people who care about you, who want to help you... who've been able to overlook even when you've done horrible things. People who might still be willing to call you family.

[He closes his eyes, exhaling meaningfully. It's a lot - probably too much - but it's hard to stop the floodgates when he lets them open like this.]

Is it really that you think you don't need them, or are you just telling yourself that so you'll stop wanting it so badly?

Anything you love is a knife that can be turned against you. [He says this barely above a whisper. But he had so many things taken from him, he learned that lesson well. And he's certainly used that as a weapon against other people; it's a ready handle for manipulation.] Any bond can be turned to one more means of control.

I'd learned to not want such things any more, when I left Asgard. They were impossible. I don't know what's happened to me here. [He laughs.] It feels like I've somehow forgotten all of those lessons I bled to learn.

[He frowns, looking at Billy.] What people? [It's a strange mixture of ego and self-loathing, always in this. Why would anyone call him family? Such things are not for Loki. And Loki is not for them, because he stands alone.]

It isn't a bad thing to change how you think or feel about things. You weren't happy in Asgard, were you? Haven't you had happy times here?

[The last question... well, that's not so easy to answer, mostly because Billy doesn't know most of Loki's associates or how they feel about him.]

What about Rogue? Or... even me? If you weren't important to us, we wouldn't have stuck around.

I thought I was, at times. But none of that was true. [He shrugged. It all had been predicated upon a lie, and him the unwitting dupe. How they all must laugh about that now.]

Yes, I have. [He wishes he could lie and say no, so he could start freeing himself from the very idea. But Rogue has made him very happy, on more than one occasion, and hadn't the entire point of that been that it was unquestionably true? He'd never told her any lies, not wittingly. And there was Ikki, and Rapunzel, and Billy... he had to admit that to himself.]

You have been... a friend, Billy. A true one. [But is that the same as family? He doesn't know any more. How can he define something he's never had?]

Friends can be family.

[It's something he recognizes easily enough because of the Young Avengers - it's something he's never had before, never really needed, because he's always had the kind of family he wanted. The others in the team all came from varying states of broken families, so he's used to seeing it more than feeling it, but... he'd never hesitated to call Tommy his brother, or Eli and Nate brothers-in-arms. He's so close to Kate and Cassie is like a little sister. Even Jonas was a part of that, even though they hadn't been around each other for long. And Teddy... god, Teddy's so much more than family to him. They made themselves into a family, all of them.]

Family's... so much more than blood. Sometimes the family you're born into isn't the one you belong with, and sometimes it just isn't enough. And sometimes you lose them all and have to find a new one. But you can choose who your family is, and they can choose you. You just have to let yourself feel it. And you have to let yourself want it, too.

I haven't really had friends like that before.

[He hadn't needed them in Asgard, had he? He'd supposedly had a family there. And the Warriors Three, even Sif... they had always been Thor's friends first.

He feels oddly sick.]

It's strange, to hear something considered more important than blood. [Blood is even in the names in Asgard--whose son you are. Even brothers in battle have bled together.

But does he want another family to begin with? Is it really wise?]

I think it's becoming pretty commonplace, here.

[Billy shrugs slightly.]

I mean, how many people do you know actually do have family here? Literal, blood-born family? I don't. Hardly anyone I know does. But we make our own families by getting close to people, or finding people we love. Even without the experiments that mess with our heads and change what we believe- when it's over, when those feelings fade away, we still have those people. And they're real.

[He purses his lips, looking up. God, this is hard, talking about it, but it can't be easy to hear it, either. So he'll do this. It's important to him, and he thinks it's worth hearing.]

I miss my family. Every day I think about them, and it hurts not to see them. But I know I'm not alone here. I have family here, people who care about me, who worry when I'm in danger, who comfort me when I'm upset, who support me when I need help. Who love me despite what I do or who I am. That's family. That's the family that matters. Can you honestly say that you don't have anyone like that?

[Because he doesn't believe it.]

[It is hard to hear. Incredibly hard, and he feels the sharp twist of jealousy because Billy has something he doesn't, something he never will have. It seems many people do. And even if he won't admit it out loud, it's something he wants.

He laughs softly.]

People who love me despite what I do or who I am?

I... don't know.

[He looks at Billy, a crooked smile on his lips.] I think perhaps there are people who care for me. [Billy, Rapunzel, Ikki. Gregor had, when he'd been here.] But I wonder if that would still be true, were I not in a cage.

[And if that's the case, is that real? He's lied to nearly all of them, at one point or another. Lying is simply what it does. If they like him because of his lies, is that real?

He looks down at his hands for a moment.] Rogue likes me for who I am. I think. [Not despite. For.]

That... mostly depends on you.

[He wonders that sometimes, knowing what he knows about the Loki of his world and what happened back in the alternate Avengers' universe. And then he scolds himself, because it isn't very trusting of him. It's a valid question, though, because chances are, if they were anywhere else, they'd be enemies. In a way, that's what actually makes their alliance here acceptable. It's not something that's likely to happen anywhere else. Here, where fighting and killing is so pointless, it's so much easier to find a way to get along with people.]

Would you find it impossible to be the same person you are now outside the barrier? Would being free suddenly make you want to kill, and conquer, and rule?

[Because that just sounds... really lonely. Especially when the people he's befriended are so against it.]

[He wants to kill people all the time, in here. He just doesn't because there's no point to it, and it would only cause more problems for him rather than solve them.

He shrugs.]

I haven't decided what it is I want to do.

[Which is... an enormous thing for him to admit.]

Vengeance is no longer foremost in my mind. But without that, I... have no plan. [Which is frightening. He always has a plan.]

That isn't such a bad thing.

[He's aware of what that feeling is like- the lack of purpose, being lost and adrift in a world of people who seem so certain of themselves, of their future. Being an adult, being a god, doesn't make one any less susceptible to it.]

You've got lots of time to figure out what to do with your life. That's one of the benefits of being immortal, right? There's no rush.

Oh, I shall have plenty of time to consider my next course of action in Asgard's dungeons. Does it really matter, though?

I am ever not the person others wish me to be. [He shrugs. It wasn't like he was going to be... Prom Queen even before he blew up New York.]

Though right now, I must simply be a fixed point here. For Rogue. It's... difficult.

Edited (SORRY I AM A FAILURE ) 2013-09-18 04:44 (UTC)

But it'll be temporary. She will be herself again. I'm sure of it.

[He won't let himself believe otherwise. Not ever.]

As for Asgard... I think you overestimate Thor's willingness to keep you locked up. However you feel about him or Asgard, historically, Loki always goes free eventually. It's your call what you'd do with that freedom.

I hope you are right. [He doesn't sound confident. If anything he just sounds... depressed. Agreeing for the form of it. He's seen no progress, but also feels compelled to keep trying because what else can he do?]

Oh, I don't overestimate. I shall be free in time. That is part of the plan. [One corner of his lips pulls up briefly, but the expression is gone just as quickly.] No one I might care about will be there.

[There is no one in that universe he cares if he hurts, really. And that is where his mortal enemy waits.] There is really nothing for me there any longer.

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there is something hilariously wrong about telling a villain to not give up

especially when it's coming from a good guy lmao

it's okay Loki you'll get your groove back and invade Asgard some day

can't you just go for a nice friendly visit with your mum

I HAVE NO MUM. /single emo tear

DON'T KNOCK ADOPTIVE MUMS THEY'RE AWESOME

oh my god I fucking made myself cry with a tag FML

are you emotionally compromised

aaaaand there it is.

goddammit laufeyson

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faaaaaail

Re: faaaaaail