selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[He snorts.]

I am tired.

[It's a big thing for him to admit.]

I can't think of anything. I will be... all right.

[It's a horrible thought. And a traitorous part of him misses Tony arguing that point and all that followed. Hideous; what a wreck he had been. He sighs.]

This has been a lovely reminder of what is and is not real.

[It is a big thing; Billy's well aware of that. He's wondering how many small miracles he can get out of this conversation. It really is important to him that Loki keeps talking, for his sake.]

Are you having any trouble distinguishing the two? Some people've been mixed up for a while since it all went down.

Hah. No, I am well aware that I am not a pathetic, alcoholic human.

[The memories are easy to dismiss, so long as he pays attention. Though they do creep up when he's not vigilant, turns of phrase and habits striking unexpectedly.

Why then are the feelings so difficult to escape?]

I had family, of a sort. But you know that. [He smiles bitterly. He was, after all, Uncle Loki. Hah.] Family seems to always be some sort of trick.

[He's tempted to nitpick that - pathetic because of the alcoholism, or the human part? But it's not the time for that. It might never be, with Loki. People like him and Rogue are exceptions to the rule, not examples. Assuming Loki files mutants and humans in the same category at all.

Still, it isn't what's important.]

Not always. It might seem that way, yeah, but plenty of people who've had bad experiences in the past feel that way until they find a real family for themselves.

[Billy is trying to offer him hope, he supposes. Hope is a poison. Finding out one family was a lie had driven him nearly mad; this second was just salt in an old wound, a reminder of the inevitability of that rejection.

He gives Billy a sickly smile.]

Such things are not for Loki.

[He just has to convince himself again that he does not want or need this particular lie.]

I merely have not relished the sensation of being disowned again. I'll... get over it and go back to despising them as they despise me already quickly, I'm sure.

[It feels like bleeding to death. And that strikes him as funny, that he has fallen so low because Tony Stark and Pepper Potts hate him, as they have always hated him. And he is very god at reflecting hate like a mirror, magnifying disgust and disapproval; he thrives on it. It's a stupid, pointless thing to feel such pain over. He starts to laugh, his shoulders shaking gently.]

[He wishes Loki didn't believe that. He wishes that bad experiences were just that- something to learn from, be hurt by, to get over and move on from eventually. He wishes it was as easy as the advice he knows better than to offer makes it sound. He's done this song and dance with Tommy, and it's a very, very long road to acceptance. Hell, he barely got that with Tommy as it is.

Instead of responding outright, he closes the distance between them, setting his coffee cup on the nearest free surface and wrapping his arms around Loki. He's hoping not to get shoved off; sometimes people just really need a hug, and he rarely hesitates to offer it.]

[He freezes when Billy hugs him, and tenses, and very nearly does push him away. But perhaps Rapunzel has helped acclimatize him a bit to being hugged by people who aren't Rogue. Perhaps he's just pathetic enough that he does need a hug. And why? It's not going to fix anything, that's for certain. But it makes him stop laughing, the situation no longer quite so horribly funny.

Maybe he's just tired.]

Hel.

[It's a bare, ragged whisper. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut, and then he does hug Billy back.]

I am all right. [He always is, isn't he? Or was that a different life, the one where all right made him drunkenly drive his car into a tree? But that wasn't him, not at all. If nothing else, that him had a family. That him had someone, almost like a brother, who had believed in him. That wasn't him at all.] I am all right.

Liar.

[It's barely a murmur, and Billy closes his eyes, tightening his grip a little. It's such a relief to have the hug accepted, and he doesn't want to let go. Not when he can feel so much tension, so much need for it, whether Loki's intending to share it or not. This is important.]

You don't have to, you know. It's okay to not be okay.

[Even gods have bad days. Even gods cry, too.]

[He does start laughing again, quiet and almost despairing.]

What does it matter? I haven't been in years.

[Isn't that how it works? To be Loki is to be despised, always. To be of no world, no people, no family. And to revel in all of those things, because he knows he will win. Isn't that what it means? Isn't it?]

Damn it. Stop trying to make me care. I don't want to. I don't care.

[But he doesn't let go of Billy. His hands are shaking, and his voice goes strange and small.]

I just wanted it to stop.

[it's so surreal to hear him like this, but Billy doesn't stop or shy away from it. To do so would be a swift murder of the trust created here. And he doesn't want to, either. He wants to hear this, to learn more, because the more you know, the more you can help. His mom said that, didn't she? To know someone was to know what they need? And learn, in turn, what you need from them? He knew one, or at least he assumed he did. It's the other way around that he'd had yet to grasp.

It's an endless cycle. That's how it feels. He needs what he doesn't think he needs. He wants what he doesn't think he can have.

Lose enough and you just stop believing.]

You can't stop. Stopping is like... it's like dying. To be alive you have to care about something. Focus on that.

[Even if it's something as basic as the will to live. You always have to start somewhere.]

I tried, in that false life. To stop. Pathetic. [It's a strange relief to say that. Rogue knows, but is in no condition to discuss the matter. Tony and Pepper know but... now they don't care. And it is pathetic that it bothers him to this extent.

But it bothers him because that despair is still too fresh and familiar, and he knows it from before. But no. Thor threw him from the Bifrost. That's what happened.

He manages a somewhat steadier laugh.] Normally I just care about winning. Surviving.

[But maybe that's the problem. Here, there is ultimately nothing he has found to win. And it would be easier if it was a matter of simply enduring until his chance came, but now there's Rogue, and Billy, and Rapunzel...

How did this even happen? Another laugh, sharper.] I'm not even capable of caring. [Not about anyone beyond himself. Isn't that what they always say?]

[Billy frowns at that. That's not right, either. It's like he's clinging to a denial when things go wrong - like before, in the playground - that completely contradicts his actions the rest of the time.]

I know that's a lie. You cared about me on the last draft. You've done so much for me in my training. You're looking after Rogue. And... if you didn't care now, about all of this, you wouldn't be so upset. You're very capable.

[And he's quite certain that Loki wants to. It's just hard to accept wanting something that hurts you so much.]

[He gives his head a little shake and laughs. Billy is right. And he both wants and does not want that to be true.]

Maybe I've tricked you. Ask anyone.

[And wouldn't they all find it funny, to see him brought to low, to know that it was so stupidly easy to hurt him.

He sucks in a breath, like bracing for pain.]

And it doesn't matter. It's not helping. [He cares about Rogue, so much he feels like he's slowly strangling with the agony of watching her drift away. He hasn't managed yet to stop caring about Tony and Pepper, and all it's doing is reminding him how pointless it is to care about people who hate him.] It doesn't make any difference.

No. It only hasn't made a difference yet.

[He knows that it's difficult to keep holding on, keep waiting for things to get better. To some extent he's certainly been there, and while he doesn't have the wealth of bad experiences the way Loki does, he gets it.

Optimism is in a lot of ways the hardest thing in the world to feel.]

You can't give up. You can't ever give up. As soon as you do, it'll just show them that they were right about you. And then you'll be lying to everyone and yourself.

[No, they are not right. He will survive, and he knows he is better than them. What they want is not what is important to him. He will win.

But what does that mean here? He laughs.]

My life was immeasurably easier when I stopped caring about Tony Stark before, you know.

But no. I will not give up on Rogue. Even if I am... not enough. [The very thought is hideous and bitter.]

Sure, life would be easier if people didn't care about the ones who hurt them. But that's not how it works. You can't just tell yourself to feel one way or the other.

[He withdraws at last, not wanting to, but needing to look at Loki, get a feel for his expression. He keeps his hands on the man's shoulders, though, reluctant to break contact.]

...Come on. Keeping it all to yourself isn't going to help anything. Sit down and tell me what's going on.

[Loki knows what Billy is doing now, and it's instinct to hide what he's feeling. But he's also tired, and not so much overwhelmed as without some more pressing matter to distract him. He looks tired, and worried, and just plain sad. His eyes might be a bit damp, but he hasn't cried. It's not something he really does.]

Hah. If only it did work that way.

[He sighs, and moves to go sit on the couch. At this point he's tired of fighting about the utility of bothering to speak.]

I don't really know where I'd start.

[That's okay, lots of people don't. Even if Billy thinks he should. But then, not everyone feels better after the fact the way he does. Might be why he's cried for lots of people before, actually. He might even do it again today.

Billy goes to sit with him, concealing another wave of surprise at his cooperation, and tucks his feet up under him to listen comfortably.]

You could start with what happened? I don't really know much about it. That other me was really... self-centered, I don't think he paid much attention to the rest of the family.

[This, he didn't mind describing. It isn't internal to him, or shouldn't be. And it's something that Billy could easily find out by asking others.]

It's all rather twisted. [He turns his coffee cup in his hands.]

In that fiction, I was a... Lawyer because that was what Odin and Thor were. [It's perhaps a sign of how off balance he is that he only sounds mildly disgusted when he says the names. He mostly just is confused by this all, that he'd been made to feel that way.] And both had been killed in an accident. For which I somehow felt responsible, though now it makes no sense why. But I'd wanted a different career before, and being a lawyer is a miserable business I suppose.

[He shrugs.]

I was an... alcoholic. I think that's the word. And after having some sort of argument with Steve... of all people, Steve Rogers, this is all nonsense... I drove my car whilst quite drunk and... purposely drove it into a tree.

[He finds this very disturbing. And it only gets more disturbing if you ask him.]

I called Tony, for help. Tony bloody Stark. And he did help. He retrieved me from the wreck, and took me home, and then the next morning... Hah. This is ridiculous.

[He still remembers the feeling of Tony's hand on his shoulder, the man saying that he believed in Loki. That they would get through this together.

He hates this. He hates that he wishes for that. In that moment, he can very much hate Tony Stark.]

[Billy listens closely until he finishes with that, nodding quietly to himself. He'd heard snippets of that, but not all, and hearing more makes the awkwardness of it much more clear. He remembers Tony and Loki in that universe being close. "Uncle Loki", and all that. It feels like the next part is important, though.]

What happened after that?

[Loki shakes his head. Why bother with this? It's meaningless. It's an open wound. It's the thing he wishes he did not remember, because it's confusing and it bloody hurts for a multitude of reasons.]

I tried to sneak out of the house, and Tony... and Stark stopped me. [He'd rather just call him Stark now, scrambling for some kind of emotional distance, but it doesn't work. Not like it used to.]

He said I needed to... dry out. Forced me to admit I wasn't happy. [And he hadn't been, in that false life. But that had been someone else's life.] That I wasn't all right. Forced me to agree to stay with him and Pepper until I was better.

[He laughs again, and it's that same painful, unbalanced sound, the way he laughs when really he ought to be crying.] Of all stupid things... oh, it's funny, it really is. Stark said then that I had a family to take care of me because I had them.

[The words are practically seared into his brain: "You have us - and we have you. Family isn't just flesh and blood, Loki."

Only it was all a bloody lie again. None of that had been real, and it was the plainest sort of mockery. It's an open wound. And it shouldn't bother him. Such things are not for Loki. He has no need of family, because he is not of any realm, of any people. Right?

Right?]

[...Ah. That would explain... a lot, actually. Including Tony's messed up state of mind, too. But especially Loki's current issues with the whole situation. Giving him a family and then taking it away is like a slap in the face.]

That... was cruel. For you to have that and then... I mean...

[As usual, there is no easy fix to this. Much as he wishes there was, complicated situations take time to get over.

God, sometimes he's so sick of telling people that. Today more than ever.]

[He laughs. It makes his throat hurt, that sound.]

It is without meaning.

[That much has been made abundantly clear to him by both Pepper and Tony.]

As it always has been. It is one more lie.

He shakes his head, still laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. It's funny. Hilarious, really, that this has any power over him, that it tears and tears. He shakes his head, seeking refuge in the old anger, the old wound, because this is just more of the same. He blinks a tear from one eye.]

I do not need these things, and I should not want them. I will excise this... this disease from myself. I am shamed that they have even this much power over me.

[In that moment, he's not even certain if he means the invaders, or Tony and Pepper. Perhaps both. He needs to keep repeating this to himself; if he does it often enough, maybe he'll finally be able to believe it, deep in blood and bone where this lie, this notion of family seems inescapably rooted.

Let him have his lie, Billy. It's all he has, now, and he knows it.]

Edited 2013-09-09 05:30 (UTC)

[No. Lies are bad. Lies are ugly and empty and cold and lonely. He will not encourage this.]

That's wrong. I'm sorry, but... it's so wrong. Why do you think emotions, connections to people, or even pain makes anyone weak? Why would being alone ever be better? When there's people who care about you, who want to help you... who've been able to overlook even when you've done horrible things. People who might still be willing to call you family.

[He closes his eyes, exhaling meaningfully. It's a lot - probably too much - but it's hard to stop the floodgates when he lets them open like this.]

Is it really that you think you don't need them, or are you just telling yourself that so you'll stop wanting it so badly?

Anything you love is a knife that can be turned against you. [He says this barely above a whisper. But he had so many things taken from him, he learned that lesson well. And he's certainly used that as a weapon against other people; it's a ready handle for manipulation.] Any bond can be turned to one more means of control.

I'd learned to not want such things any more, when I left Asgard. They were impossible. I don't know what's happened to me here. [He laughs.] It feels like I've somehow forgotten all of those lessons I bled to learn.

[He frowns, looking at Billy.] What people? [It's a strange mixture of ego and self-loathing, always in this. Why would anyone call him family? Such things are not for Loki. And Loki is not for them, because he stands alone.]

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why do you do this to me it hurts

because you've done it to me and revenge is cathartic

/sobbu sobbu

kekeke

Re: kekeke

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there is something hilariously wrong about telling a villain to not give up

especially when it's coming from a good guy lmao

it's okay Loki you'll get your groove back and invade Asgard some day

can't you just go for a nice friendly visit with your mum

I HAVE NO MUM. /single emo tear

DON'T KNOCK ADOPTIVE MUMS THEY'RE AWESOME

oh my god I fucking made myself cry with a tag FML

are you emotionally compromised

aaaaand there it is.

goddammit laufeyson

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