selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[It hurts, hearing that. How the ripples of his spell still linger.

He suspects that's Loki's intent.]

...I'm sorry that... she isn't here for you to find.

It upsets Rogue, when that happens. [Somehow that makes it worse. As if the situation would be more all right, were it just him wandering through the house alone.]

[...Ah.

He doesn't say anything this time. All he can think to do is apologize, and that won't sweep it all neatly under the rug, will it? He came here to try and talk, but if Loki wants to make him feel worse... well, that's his right.

And it's working.]

[Loki is silent for a long moment. He's not certain how he feels about any of this. It's very easy for him to hate Billy for what he's done. But he also misses Billy. Just as there is some horrid part of him that still manages to miss Thor now and then. And he's put some thought, into things Rogue has said to him about forgiveness, about knowing circumstances.

Loki is not a forgiving man. Nor a particularly loving one. But Billy has also been part of his life since coming here, nearly as big a part of it as Rogue. Does he want to burn this bridge so thoroughly? It seems like an easy answer, in comparison to what Odin and Thor had done to him.

But it doesn't feel easy. Perhaps because he has chosen to call Billy family, a choice he never had with Thor or Odin.

Loki takes in an oddly unsteady breath.] You may speak now.

[And somehow, now that he has permission to do so, Billy finds the words stuck in his throat, hopelessly tangled and wrestling to stay down, where half the time, normally, his words are bubbling to the surface and he can't control what he says. It's such a stark contrast from the norm that sometimes he can barely even recognize himself anymore. The words don't flow when his thoughts are such a mess, when he second-guesses every little thing. And in a conversation like this, with a person like Loki, where the wrong reply - the wrong word, even - could potentially ruin everything?

He's trembling, hesitating, and it's hard to stop. He wants to run, he wants to collapse, to cry, to be anywhere but here.

But his wants don't matter anymore. His wants are dangerous. He's proven that.

He takes a deep breath, a shaky gulp, trying to gather up his courage. And he tries. He has to try.]

I'm sorry. I know it might not mean anything now, I know it can't change anything, but... it's the truth. I regret it all. I regret everything. And you were right- everything you told me, you were right. I used magic I couldn't control, I pushed the limits, and... I... I-I made everyone I love pay for it...

[He has to stop for a moment, lifting a hand to cover his mouth and clenching his eyes shut, to muffle a sob and cut off the tears threatening to fall. If he starts crying now, he doesn't know how he'll be able to stop, and that won't accomplish anything.]

It should've been me... it should've just been me who...

[His voice hitches, and he bows his head, fighting it, trying to rein in his emotions. If he can't do this, if he can't even apologize without sobbing all over people, how the hell is he supposed to make amends?]

...god... god, I'm so...

[Perhaps the difference is that Billy never tries to justify himself, like Odin did. Perhaps the difference is that he always thought of Billy in familial terms more as son or younger brother, rather than someone he should aspire to be.

But in a strange way, it also triggers those instincts built during his abortive week of being a father, the protectiveness he's built up being around Ikki.

Loki still remembers his youth with perfect clarity. He remembers things that he did that hurt other people and himself. He remembers they were mistakes. And while others raged at him, he still remembers putting his head in Frigga's lap and weeping while she stroked his hair.

Billy is a child. By human terms, by Asgardian terms certainly.

Rogue always asks him, who he is, who he wants to be. In many ways, he's still deciding on that. But he knows he doesn't want to be Odin. It's something of a horror, the way the harshness of Odin has stuck with him and destroyed the gentleness he knows he was showed by Frigga. Will he still let the people he hates control him, even now?

Will watching Billy be in agony make his own agony any less, when he can admit to himself that he still does care about Billy? It's not the same, as wanting to see Odin ground to dust. It isn't the same at all, and he can see that now, no longer quite so blinded by his own pain.

In the end, it's not even really a decision.

Loki reaches out and wraps an arm around Billy's shoulders and pulls the boy in tight.]

[It takes a moment for it to hit home for Billy. It takes a moment longer for him to remember how to breathe.

That's not... what he'd expected.

Truth is, he hadn't ever been certain that he would leave this house alive. It wasn't that he didn't trust Loki, but more that his crime was so great and so grievous that there could be no alternative. He'd been a friend. Now an enemy. And enemies of Loki don't get to be forgiven, do they.

Cut out his tongue, he'd said. And now this.

He's warm and strong and solid and Billy doesn't understand, he doesn't understand at all, but maybe he doesn't have to. Maybe this is all the answer and explanation that he needs. Maybe in the end Loki, Loki has felt the pain of this separation as much as he has. Maybe it isn't surprising at all, really.

His chest hurts, lungs burning for air, and he finally inhales a shaken, shuddering breath, the sound more like a broken sob, and he lifts a hand to weakly grasp at Loki's clothes, afraid to ask for more but wanting it so badly. He needs this, but he doesn't deserve it, Loki chose to- but he'd been so angry-

I don't want to understand.

I don't need it.

I just...

The walls break down at last, and he surrenders himself to it. He lets the tears fall, lets the grief and guilt overwhelm him, and he cries like the child Loki believes him still to be. He whispers apologies, over and over, unable to stop himself. He feels pathetic that that's all he can do.

But Loki chose this. He chose this. And Billy doesn't know what that means, but he'll accept it without complaint. He'd accept anything at this point, if it meant not letting go.]

[Loki makes no comment. This is really as much as he can do, and it feels very strange. But it also feels like he made the right choice, as painful as this all is. Or perhaps there was no good choice, but this one is the best of the bad choices left.

He wraps his other arm around Billy as well, and rests his chin lightly on top of Billy's head, a subconsciously protective gesture.

And then, after a moment, he smooths his hand over Billy's back. He remembers, too, Frigga doing that for him. And then he simply lets Billy cry, holding him close.]

[Crying usually makes him feel better, or at least not worse, but this? With Loki? He feels terrible. Here he's put the people he cares about through something awful, beyond awful, and now he's the one crying and drawing comfort like this. Being held, having his pain eased. It had gone like this with Teddy, too.

What the hell kind of person does that? How can he be so selfish? He should be helping them, not... this.

He can't quite bring himself to pull back, though. He shifts maybe an inch, shuddering, his grip relaxing.]

I... I shouldn't... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this isn't... what I came for...

[Loki doesn't loosen his grip much, his hand smoothing over Billy's hair and the back of his neck. Even if Billy can't see him, the wry smile is in his voice.]

Well, I'm still not going to kill you either.

[Billy's next sob shifts into a bark of laughter, brief and without any real humour. It isn't funny - it's a relief, to hear it, even if the hug itself had been a pretty good sign that he wasn't going to die here - but he doesn't know what else to do.]

Does that mean... I get to keep my tongue, too...?

Seems that way.

Ha... lucky me.

[Or lucky Loki. Teddy's still waiting, if he hadn't come out in one piece (or at all) things would not have ended well for anyone. Still, he can't help but ask.]

...Why? I thought... I thought you'd hate me... I thought I'd ruined everything, but you...

[Loki is silent for a long time, trying to understand that himself. But at its most base, doesn't it once more come down to something simple and mathematical?]

I want my brother more than I want vengeance.

[Billy is family he chose to have. This pain he feels now, which still aches and festers, is because he lost his own family. How will it help him to destroy what he has left?]

[That surprises him - more than he'd like to admit, actually - and Billy lifts his head from Loki's shirt, eyes wide. That's... the first he'd said anything like that, isn't it? Really, so easily admitted it...

It causes a sudden warmth in Billy's chest, one he hadn't felt all day - not at all, really, since the day Teddy accepted him again when he regained his senses. It's just been such a hard road to walk from then until now.

But... even after everything he's done, even now... there are still people who are on his side, who care about him, who call him family...

Teddy, Tommy, Kate, and now Loki, too...

Fresh tears fill his eyes, but this time he manages a smile, too, and the relief and gratefulness in his expression is potent. That... was a very unexpected gift Loki just gave him.]

...I'm... glad. I'm really glad... I didn't want to lose you, either...

[Loki favors him with a crooked smile.]

I'm not terribly easy to lose if I don't wish to be lost.

Which is not to say you aren't still in trouble.

[He wipes the tears from one of Billy's cheeks with his thumb.] We will go downstairs and have a cup of tea, though I suppose you might have hot chocolate or coffee if you insist, and you will tell me everything.

[This is still way more than he'd ever expected, so he's still kind of blown away when he nods, stepping back and scrubbing his hands over his eyes and nose. Truth be told he doesn't want to talk about what happened yet again, but he'd promised himself to do this, and with Loki at least it won't feel like he's making excuses to earn forgiveness. He does have questions, too- questions that, perhaps, only Loki might be able to help him find the answer to.]

I'll... tell you what I can.

Mmm. [We'll find out what that means later.

Loki ushers Billy back downstairs, shutting the door to that room behind him. He goes straight to the kitchen to fix himself a cup of tea. After a moment of consideration, he makes a cup of hot chocolate for Billy, since it feels like the boy really does need some kind of comfort.

And Loki has pretty much run through all of his tricks when it comes to that already.]

[While Loki's busy in the kitchen, Billy sneaks off to the front door to poke his head out and give Teddy an update about how he has not, in fact, been horribly murdered or dismembered, and that he's free to take a walk if he wants because this could take a while.

It's a quick conversation, and by the time Loki's finished, he's waiting at the table, trying to mentally brace himself for this conversation. He's been over it again and again in his head, and it never seems to get easier, but at least the words flow with less clumsiness each time.]

[Loki sets the hot chocolate down in front of Billy, then sits down next to him rather than across from him, cup of tea in hand. He stretches his legs out and leans back in his chair, then takes a sip of his tea.]

[Billy reaches out to wrap his fingers around the mug, feeling the warmth of it, inhaling the sweet scent and letting it soothe his nerves a little. When he speaks up, it isn't to explain things yet. There's... certain things that only magic users have a chance of understanding, and he wants to know more before he goes on.]

You've... used magic for a long time, right? Longer than I can even imagine...

Since before I could walk. Well over a thousand years.

[Definitely a long time. That's helpful, then.]

The spell I cast... did it... feel like anything you'd ever felt before? Did it feel like my magic?

I can't really say. I wasn't aware of the spell until it had been broken, though I struggled at times to find it. I knew something was amiss.

But I do know that it was far beyond what you should be capable of doing. Perhaps if you truly set your will to it, you could effect me in such a way, but not the others as well. Not so completely.

...No. Back in the clinic, when we...

[...He doesn't want to think about that again.]

...I said, "it wasn't mine." And that was true. The spell I cast was my own, but the power I used... it didn't come from me. When I was taken... the Malnosso did something, and... suddenly it was just there.

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[action] have some tl;dr, I made it just for you.

[action] well there goes my heart

[action] It didn't go alone. There went mine as well.

[action] /buries them both

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