selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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...I tried to do one.

[That false version of Teddy, the one who'd followed him around like a dog all week. The one who'd nearly murdered the real thing when Billy had been too drunk on power, exhausted and hallucinating, to recognize the truth.]

They sent me here before I could do the other.

[And that... that's another thing he hadn't really touched on yet, not even with Teddy. And he probably never will again, outside of this room. He'd wanted them dead, all of them. More than dead. He'd wanted to erase them from reality itself, pluck them from history and memory and burn their existence away to nothing. Maybe he could have done it, too.

Terrifying. Everything about this experience... it frightens him to the very core.]

[Loki smiles wryly.]

Revenge first, revival after. Better time management.

[Young Avengers don't kill, he'd like to say to that. He would have, not that long ago. It's a creed that he'd held strongly to for years, since the group had gotten together, since they'd all agreed to be heroes.

But he's not a hero anymore, is he? Not a Young Avenger.

And this is the second time he'd been tempted to kill someone with his powers. It could be worse, sure, but... it's not good enough, in his mind.]

...It doesn't matter. They lived. Teddy lived, not that they let me see it. I cast the spell because I didn't want to live in a world where people like him could die. A reality where everyone was safe, happy, alive and well... that was my perfect world. The rest of you... were caught up in my mistake.

Mmm. A shame they lived, if you ask me. [Loki shrugs. Anyone who would cut off Teddy's wings and do this to Billy deserves to not annoy the world with their presence any longer, in his opinion.]

Interesting. [And with that amount of power, he could do it.] Was our involvement completely accidental?

...No. I want to believe that, that it was all just done on a whim, but I... it was too deliberate, all of it. A perfect world meant... everyone was happy within it. That meant affecting all of you, too.

[It was all so logical at the time, a systematic retelling of reality, of history itself. Lives were different, families were different, the world as they knew it had been twisted. But... with the power cap, with his limited control, it hadn't spread throughout the whole village. That was his downfall, ultimately. That, and Teddy's determination.]

There's... an empath, in the village. I was able to... use his power, with the spell.

[Which is a mild way of putting it; what he'd done with Hisoka had been awful, so much that he could barely think of it as himself doing it. He'd no idea that he even had the capacity to be so cruel.]

That's... how I knew what everyone wanted. The magic took your dreams and desires and just... made them happen.

[An interesting combination of powers, that. Loki can try to look at it clinically. Though that makes him wonder something, which Rogue had brought up before. He drums his fingers on the table top.]

...then why were Tony Stark and I friends?

[Billy glances over at him, opening his mouth, closing it, hesitating. He repeats the gesture, then looks down awkwardly. To him, the answer is obvious - he hadn't affected the choices they'd made, it had been hard enough to formulate the spell as-is - but he knows that if he said it out loud, Loki wouldn't be happy to hear it.

In the end, he just says nothing. Maybe Loki will either get the idea or decide not to pursue it.]

[If he didn't want an answer, he would not have asked.

Loki simply stares at Billy and waits.]

[Well.

Shit.

He keeps his gaze down, because he's honestly not sure what saying this will do. But he can't deny the nature of the spell; if he knows anything of what happened, he knows that. He wouldn't have forced anything on anyone that they didn't honestly desire already.]

If you were friends, then... it's what both of you really wanted.

[Loki's reaction is a quiet sound of surprise. He sits back in his chair, looking at the ceiling again.]

Both of us, really?

Both of you. It wouldn't have worked if it was any other way.

[Loki sighs out a long hmmm.]

Curious.

[Curious, indeed.]

I thought... you'd be angry.

[Still mulling this idea over, Loki idly nibbles on one of his fingernails.]

Of all things, why would that be the one that makes me angry?

Edited 2013-11-11 05:59 (UTC)

[Okay, yeah, he has a point there. Still, it's surprising.]

Sorry... you're right. I just... I've spent all month dreading this. Thinking... that everyone hates me, or that they would when I told them. So every time that doesn't happen...

[He gestures vaguely, as if that alone can somehow encompass the day he's had, the people he's met, the conversations he's had. The number of friends who have accepted him beyond his mistake, who supported him through his madness, who don't want him hurt, or ill, or... or dead.

Every time, every day is a miracle to him. It's difficult to fathom that kind of mercy when he knows he'll never forgive himself.]

I was very angry with you. Still am, a bit, but I've made my choice.

[That his little brother is more important than vengeance.]

[Perhaps it would help them both to admit this.] My anger was born of the false hope that I could be anything but a barren field.

[And he and Rogue have sort of dealt with that now, as much as it can be dealt with. He now has to be invested in the idea that his daughter was not real, or he will very likely go mad with the knowledge he killed her.]

And once more having the lie of a family given to me and torn away. Grief, I suppose, for that which was not real.

[So now that he does have a real family of sorts, he'd be a thousand kinds of fool to hang on to his anger and destroy the reality of it. This, Rogue has finally begun to hammer into his head after months of painful conversation.]

Stark is just...an odd footnote. [The least painful part of this mess, really.] I find it very curious that time and again, he and I are thrown together in experiments and are as brothers. Yet he loathes me so profoundly, and wishes to be my enemy to the point he has rejected what apology I could offer him. And yet now...

[He shrugs, letting the implication dangle there. It's at least an interesting data point to come out of this bloody mess, if Billy its certain of how the spell worked.]

[To be fair, he’d expected anger, too. Little of columns A, B, and whatever C could be. Murderous intent, maybe? He’d spent too much time think about how he might die if someone did choose to take him down. Not that anyone has - it’s mostly just his newfound morbid pessimism rearing its ugly head again - but he can’t help his own thoughts. A desire to live doesn’t negate a fear of death.

And the rest of what Loki says inspires a revival of his grief and guilt, and he ducks his head again, studying his cocoa very intently.]

I’m sorry again… for all of it. Causing the same pain as they caused, forcing any of this on the people I care about, I… that isn’t how I ever imagined it ending up...

[Loki hasn't promised Billy the same honesty as Rogue. So he has no compunctions about lying now.]

It is all right. Or at the least it will be.

You are contrite, as you should be. The more important question is how you will make certain you never make this mistake again.

[Ah, yes. That.]

I've... spent a lot of time thinking about that.

[He suspects Loki won't like his answer, but he's definitely made up his mind.]

I'm not going to use magic anymore.

[Loki shakes his head.]

No, Billy. You are far smarter than that.

I'm smart enough to know that someone like me shouldn't have this power.

[Loki shakes his head. He has a horrible feeling of deja vu--hasn't he had this fight over and over again with Rogue as well? What is it with humans? Are they really all this blind?]

That's a shame, since you do have that power.

And if you do not use it, it will use you. That is the nature of power.

Power can be restrained, even nullified completely. It's happened before- here, and back on my own world. There's ways to do it, if it came to that.

[As if to give added truth to his words, his hand unconsciously moves to scratch at his neck, where the burn marks from his kidnapping still remain. They, like the scars on his ears, are a reminder: that any power, even the power to change reality, can be stopped. A lesson well and truly learned, that.]

Not permanently, it would seem.

[He shakes his head.]

If there's a lesson to be learned from this, it's the need for more defense and better control. Ignoring what power is yours will not make it go away.

[His lips thin out for a moment.] This, I know from experience.

It wasn't permanent before because it wasn't my choice. I was rescued, or... set free. If it was me? If it was my decision? I could keep it that way. Then... something like this couldn't ever happen again.

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