selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[There is absolutely nothing in what Billy has said that he can disagree with. Later, he might be able to rationalize himself into a place of--well, not quite innocence, but less blame, perhaps. But right now, no one could possibly be as disgusted with him as he is with himself.

It's all just falling to pieces again. He'll try to come up with some plan to fix this, and it will only make things inescapably worse. And that he felt the need to call Billy at all means he can't just turn back the clock to a time when none of this would have mattered to him. It's too late.]

Of course.

[He manages to look slightly offended at the question. Dignity, he has some shreds of it left, doesn't he? Hands scrabbling for purchase on the tree bark, he begins to climb unsteadily to his feet. Exhausted, sick, and disoriented, he still manages to get himself mostly upright before he stops, face pressed against the bark, and just breathes for a bit.]

You're...actually here, aren't you? I called you. You're actually here. [He reaches out (blindly, ha) with one hand, searching through the air for Billy.] This is happening. You're-- [Sucks in a quick breath.] You're looking at me. Not anyone else.

[Not dying hallucinations. He's not falling across an event horizon.]

[Billy purses his lips into a grimace, taking note of the words, the tone- and reaches his hand out to meet Loki's in the middle. His grasp is firm and a little tight, to make certain Loki has no reason to doubt that he's real. He's angry and disappointed but he doesn't have to be cruel about it.]

I'm real, I'm right here. I'd like to teleport us out of this place. Can I take you home? Or is there somewhere else you'd rather go?

[He doesn't know where the fight happened. Did Rogue catch him? Or did Loki confess it? There's too much he doesn't know.]

[He holds Billy's hand with no small amount of desperation, not quite hard enough to hurt, but nearly.

And that question.

There is still plenty of home left; he only really destroyed the furniture and one of the walls. But he doesn't want to go there to face the empty room he shared with Rogue. Or having to explain to his brother that he's ruined the only truly good relationship he's had, by cheating on her with a man.

He rocks back then forward, thumping his head lightly against the tree.]

I don't know. Don't want to go home.

Edited 2014-07-12 19:26 (UTC)

[Okay, not home. One question answered. Billy casts another glance at the state of Loki's body, then closes his eyes, focusing inwardly once more. The magic flares again, surrounds them both, and then, after a few moments, dissipates when they arrive at the new location- a warm, slightly musty-smelling area due to disuse, but otherwise it might feel a lot like Billy's apartment.]

There's a few empty apartments on my floor. If you want to go somewhere else after, that's fine, but for now you should be in a place with people who can keep an eye on you.

[Teddy may not like Loki all that much and Tommy even less so, but they're super-hero-centric enough not to just let someone die. And Billy... well, this is where Billy belongs. If he's just down the hall it means he'll never be far.

He has no doubts that this is temporary - how temporary could vary from half an hour to a month for all he knows - but it'll have to do for now.]

[Loki doesn't resist the spell at all. Doesn't even seem curious. Though he at least tilts his head, sniffing, after a moment.]

I... Don't do well alone. Not now.

[He licks his lips.]

It becomes too quiet.

[He is hanging on to Billy's hand for dear life, still.]

Edited 2014-07-13 21:25 (UTC)

You're not alone. I'm not going anywhere for a while, either.

[Loki's not that heavy, but Billy isn't that strong, either, and just standing there won't help either of them. With a nudge and a step he urges Loki over to the nearest chair, easing him down into it. There's blood on the floor and on the fabric now, but whatever, it can be cleaned later. Thank god no one lives here right now.

Speaking of blood, though, those should be taken care of ASAP. And if Loki's going to stay here, he'll need some supplies- food, clothes, and god, he'd forgotten about the cat-

-injuries first. The rest later.]

...How do you feel about dogs?

[Loki nods, a bit shaky. He sits in the chair, then curls up in it, drawing his long legs up toward his chest.] All right.

[Billy will stay here. He's not going to float off into the darkness and be lost. Loki rubs his hands slowly together, then begins picking at his own fingernails, just for something to do with his hands.]

They drool. [He shrugs one shoulder slightly.] Does not really matter, as such.

[He rubs his forehead with his hand for a moment. He's calmer now that he's no longer lost. And he can start thinking again. He needs a goal, a next step. Well, it seems plain. He has broken something important to him. He needs to find some way of repairing it. But he was the cause of this. The problem is him. He needs to be fixed.]

I won't...trouble you for long. I simply need to think for a bit. I will find a way to fix myself.

[Billy's brows furrow at that, lingering close for a moment before standing up.]

Don't start with that. You're not broken, you just screwed up. But I agree that you need to do some thinking.

[He moves to the door, opens it, pokes his head out, and whistles loudly. There's a brief scuffle, a jingling noise, and the padding of clawed feet on the floor as Optimus scampers in and circles around Billy. He leads the dog back over to the chair, where Optimus immediately starts sniffing at Loki. Billy on the other hand gets about as serious as he can possibly get.]

Optimus, Loki. Loki, Optimus. I promise you he doesn't drool, but he might lick your face off. I'm going next door for two minutes to get a first aid kit and some supplies for you. I'm also going to tell Teddy that neither of us are dead. My dog is going to babysit you for, again, two minutes max. Talk to him. Count down the seconds if you have to. Don't try to leave or my dog will sit on your face. I'm coming back and we are going to talk.

Edited 2014-07-14 04:54 (UTC)

[He shrugs faintly, not even pretending to look up.]

Wasn't enough. [He's never enough.

Ah. And there is why he mentioned dogs. That's fine. Dogs aren't his favorite animals, but he likes most animals well enough. He's always gotten along with animals better than people.]

All right.

[And he'll do as directed. He doesn't say anything of consequence to the dog, just speaks about mathematics, of all things. But it's something to say, something to cling to, and the dog is very obviously there and breathing like a furnace.]

[Thank god they have a pet that comes when it's called. Billy watches for a moment, to make sure, then hurries out to do exactly what he said he'd do. He'd said two minutes and he meant it; it was all the time he needed to rush back to his apartment, breathlessly explain and reassure Teddy that things were (sort of) okay and the blood wasn't his but that he needed to go right now.

Armed with their first aid kit, cleaning rags, and a bag of randomly selected outfits magicked from Loki's closet, he returns to the apartment with a handful of seconds to spare.]

[When Billy returns, Loki's just resorted to calculating a square root of a very large number mentally. He lets the numbers trail away into oblivion.

He hadn't been counting the seconds. He trusts Billy to not abandon him.

Well, maybe he shouldn't. He's managed to drive Rogue away. He probably could manage to drive Billy away just as stupidly. And without even trying. That's a merry thought.]

Your dog isn't very good at maths.

[It's a joke. Haha, right? Everything is okay, Loki is being a jerk.]

[It does manage to make Billy's lip quirk a little, though not quite a smile; it would be difficult to smile at anything right now, seeing what he's seeing.]

That's not true. He knows how to count- if you tell him he gets two treats and you only give him one, he knows.

[At his voice, Optimus is quick to wander away from Loki's chair and snuff at the bag Billy's carrying. With all the blood, Billy can't blame him, and anyway he'd done his job. Billy leaves the door open a crack to let the dog wander if he chooses, stepping back to the chair and laying out the supplies. Kit first- he'll need fresh water and the cloth to clean those cuts.]

I'm glad you're still here.

The stomach always knows, yes?

...oh.

[The idea of anyone being glad about anything right now seems quite iffy. Loki shrugs, picking at a hangnail on his right pointer finger, just making it worse, really.]

I'm too tired to go anywhere right now.

[A humorless smile. He begins picking at another hangnail.] And nowhere to go.

Edited 2014-07-14 05:49 (UTC)

[Billy spots that, then reaches up and catches Loki's wrist, gritting his teeth. Enough is enough.]

Stop. Stop it right now. I'm not just going to sit here and watch you hurt yourself.

I'm not--

[It's not about pain. Just...little imperfections.

He recoils, head hanging.]

It's only small things.

[Billy doesn't let go, not right away. With how distant Loki seems, he doesn't trust this.]

Small things add up. Please, stop.

I'll try.

[What's one more thing to fail at? He's tried a lot of things, over the last two years. It was all ultimately pointless. But what else can he say now?]

It will heal quickly.

[Feels like he should add something more, for Billy's trouble.]

I am sorry.

[The words, at this point, are meaningless noise. It doesn't matter when he is sorry. Sorry doesn't change anything at all.]

...Hm.

[He's not sure about the sincerity of the response or the apology, but he's not here to argue about that. He lets go of Loki's hand and shifts back again, pulling the coffee table closer and giving Loki's pant leg a little tug.]

Come on, prop these up so I can get a look at your feet. How long should it take for these wounds to heal? A couple hours? A day? Give me an idea.

[There's no point in resisting. It would be beyond childish, and he's too fatigued for childish now. He props his feet up so Billy can have a look at them.]

I don't know. They're not really anything important. [They don't hurt enough to be important wounds. He knows what that kind of thing feels like.] Perhaps a day. Perhaps less, if I eat and sleep. [Neither of which he really feels up to doing right now.]

Edited (whoops wrong icon) 2014-07-14 14:36 (UTC)

... "If".

[He sighs, exasperated and unable to hold it in. It's like Loki's trying to get Billy to punch him and storm out the door. He makes it awfully tempting, that's for sure. Thankfully he isn't a violent person by nature, but he does have to stand up and fetch a bowl of warm water, putting some brief distance between them while he lets his temper soothe. Once he has his supplies ready, he dips a cloth in and starts washing the blood and dirt off Loki's feet. He figures that Asgardians don't get infections easily, sort of like how Teddy never does, but there's no such thing as being too cautious.]

Tell me what happened.

[It isn't a question. He knows that asking is just an invitation for Loki to dodge, and he refuses to indulge in that temptation. If Loki's messed up enough that he's actively trying to hurt himself, then there's absolutely no question that talking needs to be a thing, now.]

[Loki shrugs.] Even on the best of days, sleep does not come easily. Of late, only when I am exhausted. And I do not care over much about food. I forget.

[At best, he finds eating an inconvenience, if a sometimes companionable one.

He's quiet as Billy starts cleaning his feet. At this point, he doesn't have the energy to protest. and maybe part of him likes feeling as if he's cared for.

He snorts.]

At Eugene's birthday party. Rogue had long since gone home. I was quite drunk. During the drinking games... I don't really recall if either Eugene kissed me or I, him. It doesn't matter, ultimately.

After I had recovered enough this morning to recall what I had been about, I knew that I ought to tell Rogue. The first and most important promise I ever did make to her was that I would give her my honesty. [And to not tell her would have been, unquestionably, a lie. Beyond the many other reasons he'd considered.] I told her what I had done. And that I should not have done it. And that I was sorry. And that I still love her, and that has not changed.

[And that he still loved her, as he always did.

But it seemed that was not enough. He did not lover her enough. He still wasn't certain how he could love someone more than he loved her. But perhaps he's just incapable.

He twists his fingers in his lap. He starts picking at a hangnail again, then carefully stops his hands and tucks his fingers under his legs.]

It is more than that. [The words are choked and strange. His eyes hurt. His throat hurts. He smiles.] I am far worse than that.

[Because there was the why of it all. He might as well confess that as well, so Billy has the full measure of the situation. And then it will hopefully no longer matter, because he will find a way to expunge all of this from himself. He had been right, ever time he had said he would be better, he had to be better. He had waited too long to take action, trusting the advice of others, and this is what it had caused.]

[Forget, huh. He makes a mental note to start getting dinner for four instead of three.

He listens quietly to Loki's story; still about as much as he'd heard before, albeit with a few more details. He's more interested in the 'more' that Loki mentions. Last time his silence hadn't worked out so great, so he speaks up as he gently tugs a wood splinter out of the heel of Loki's foot, eyes focused on the job.]

Worse, how?

[His voice is calm, his work methodical; it helps to keep the anger buried, the thoughts and feelings he's carrying now on Rogue's behalf. To love someone and kiss another is... god, he can't even imagine. Even when insane and possessed he'd never allowed the created fake of his get intimate. How could this happen?]

Before, during the most recent shift. I was subjected to another false life, but it was very like my own. [He hates this. It's so pathetic. Deeply pathetic.] Only in that fantasy of Asgard, I'd had two lovers, both of whom meant a great deal to me. Men. Who during that shift were created from Eugene and Jack.

[He hesitates, then decides he will not speak those names. He knows none of it happened, really. But he can't help but treasure those memories anyway, because he wishes it had. He wishes he hadn't been so utterly alone.]

The feelings lingered, after the shift had ended. I did[] not want them to. I still seek some way I can be rid of them. [He lifts one hand for a moment to press his thumb over his heart, the nail digging into his flesh through his shirt.] Would that I could just cut this nonsense out as the tumor it is and be rid of it.

[He lets his hand drop to his lap.] Rogue noticed I was upset, after having had a particularly stupid conversation with Eugene during the draft. She asked what was amiss. I will not lie to her, so I gave her the truth of it as I promised I would.

[His shoulders start to tremble.] I do not love her any less or differently than I did before. But I cannot rid myself of these feelings. And I know it hurts her. I know it is not what she expects of me, and I tried--

[He stops, catching his breath.]

Well, it doesn't matter. It wasn't good enough then, and my failure has become all the more abject now. [At this point, if he weren't so utterly fatigued he'd run screaming into the woods again. But he's never managed to properly escape himself. An unsteady breath.] And immediately after was when I was caught by the Dream Shifter. And then died. Hah. And then returned, blind and... unmanned.

[Eugene and Jack, huh... he wondered about Jack's involvement, now, and how he feels about all of this. After all, it was his boyfriend that Loki was kissing. Or was kissing Loki.

....

Jack can definitely wait, though. The thought of dealing with anyone else's mess of emotions after Loki is frankly exhausting, and he's not close enough to Jack to poke at his issues.

Speaking of issues, at least Loki takes his promise of honesty seriously. With something like this, it would be pretty tempting to just hide it or keep lying, especially with these results. Doesn't make any of it okay, but it doesn't make it worse, either. So there's that.]

It's good that you aren't lying to her. What do you mean by 'unmanned'?

[That's new.]

'tis the first promise ever I made to her, that I would not lie. [And he knew that was the price of having that relationship at all. He'd been glad to pay it. But the price has apparently expanded, and it's perhaps not anyone's fault as such. He's been trying, but it seems not hard enough.

Ah, the familiar sensation of failing to meet expectations. He'd thought he was done with that.

Loki manages a faint grimace, but he did mention it, so might as well just have it all out. Lay that last humiliation properly in the lineup of failures. And he just feels tired about it all now, fatigued beyond measure, as if this is now all inevitable and useless to fight.]

I was all right until the draft. That's why I thought... doesn't matter. [That's why he'd thought that it would be enough to just stay focused on Rogue and try to ignore the rest while he worked on a more permanent solution.] But after I came back from death, I simply...

[It's kind of hilarious, that this is what he's having the hardest time admitting. But it's something so basic and just humiliating.] I haven't been able to do my duty to her. [...he'd better clarify that, since terminology seems to have changed. Even more embarrassing. This is the one time he'd much rather be cute and use a euphemism.] I've had no interest in sex, as such. I'm just too... I'm too bloody tired.

[Now that is a pathetic excuse. While he can survive quite easily without sex, when it's there to be had he tends to take it with sheer, single-minded physicality, one of the few fundamental things he's had in common with the true Asgardians. Tired shouldn't really play into it. Hel, mortally wounded has barely stopped him in the past.]

I thought, a few days ago, that I might be recovering from this... ridiculous melancholy. I felt like kissing a bit. [And that had seemed to make Rogue happy. That had been a nice evening. He'd nearly felt normal. Then he laughs, sharply.] A bit too much, it would seem.

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