selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Billy spots that, then reaches up and catches Loki's wrist, gritting his teeth. Enough is enough.]

Stop. Stop it right now. I'm not just going to sit here and watch you hurt yourself.

I'm not--

[It's not about pain. Just...little imperfections.

He recoils, head hanging.]

It's only small things.

[Billy doesn't let go, not right away. With how distant Loki seems, he doesn't trust this.]

Small things add up. Please, stop.

I'll try.

[What's one more thing to fail at? He's tried a lot of things, over the last two years. It was all ultimately pointless. But what else can he say now?]

It will heal quickly.

[Feels like he should add something more, for Billy's trouble.]

I am sorry.

[The words, at this point, are meaningless noise. It doesn't matter when he is sorry. Sorry doesn't change anything at all.]

...Hm.

[He's not sure about the sincerity of the response or the apology, but he's not here to argue about that. He lets go of Loki's hand and shifts back again, pulling the coffee table closer and giving Loki's pant leg a little tug.]

Come on, prop these up so I can get a look at your feet. How long should it take for these wounds to heal? A couple hours? A day? Give me an idea.

[There's no point in resisting. It would be beyond childish, and he's too fatigued for childish now. He props his feet up so Billy can have a look at them.]

I don't know. They're not really anything important. [They don't hurt enough to be important wounds. He knows what that kind of thing feels like.] Perhaps a day. Perhaps less, if I eat and sleep. [Neither of which he really feels up to doing right now.]

Edited (whoops wrong icon) 2014-07-14 14:36 (UTC)

... "If".

[He sighs, exasperated and unable to hold it in. It's like Loki's trying to get Billy to punch him and storm out the door. He makes it awfully tempting, that's for sure. Thankfully he isn't a violent person by nature, but he does have to stand up and fetch a bowl of warm water, putting some brief distance between them while he lets his temper soothe. Once he has his supplies ready, he dips a cloth in and starts washing the blood and dirt off Loki's feet. He figures that Asgardians don't get infections easily, sort of like how Teddy never does, but there's no such thing as being too cautious.]

Tell me what happened.

[It isn't a question. He knows that asking is just an invitation for Loki to dodge, and he refuses to indulge in that temptation. If Loki's messed up enough that he's actively trying to hurt himself, then there's absolutely no question that talking needs to be a thing, now.]

[Loki shrugs.] Even on the best of days, sleep does not come easily. Of late, only when I am exhausted. And I do not care over much about food. I forget.

[At best, he finds eating an inconvenience, if a sometimes companionable one.

He's quiet as Billy starts cleaning his feet. At this point, he doesn't have the energy to protest. and maybe part of him likes feeling as if he's cared for.

He snorts.]

At Eugene's birthday party. Rogue had long since gone home. I was quite drunk. During the drinking games... I don't really recall if either Eugene kissed me or I, him. It doesn't matter, ultimately.

After I had recovered enough this morning to recall what I had been about, I knew that I ought to tell Rogue. The first and most important promise I ever did make to her was that I would give her my honesty. [And to not tell her would have been, unquestionably, a lie. Beyond the many other reasons he'd considered.] I told her what I had done. And that I should not have done it. And that I was sorry. And that I still love her, and that has not changed.

[And that he still loved her, as he always did.

But it seemed that was not enough. He did not lover her enough. He still wasn't certain how he could love someone more than he loved her. But perhaps he's just incapable.

He twists his fingers in his lap. He starts picking at a hangnail again, then carefully stops his hands and tucks his fingers under his legs.]

It is more than that. [The words are choked and strange. His eyes hurt. His throat hurts. He smiles.] I am far worse than that.

[Because there was the why of it all. He might as well confess that as well, so Billy has the full measure of the situation. And then it will hopefully no longer matter, because he will find a way to expunge all of this from himself. He had been right, ever time he had said he would be better, he had to be better. He had waited too long to take action, trusting the advice of others, and this is what it had caused.]

[Forget, huh. He makes a mental note to start getting dinner for four instead of three.

He listens quietly to Loki's story; still about as much as he'd heard before, albeit with a few more details. He's more interested in the 'more' that Loki mentions. Last time his silence hadn't worked out so great, so he speaks up as he gently tugs a wood splinter out of the heel of Loki's foot, eyes focused on the job.]

Worse, how?

[His voice is calm, his work methodical; it helps to keep the anger buried, the thoughts and feelings he's carrying now on Rogue's behalf. To love someone and kiss another is... god, he can't even imagine. Even when insane and possessed he'd never allowed the created fake of his get intimate. How could this happen?]

Before, during the most recent shift. I was subjected to another false life, but it was very like my own. [He hates this. It's so pathetic. Deeply pathetic.] Only in that fantasy of Asgard, I'd had two lovers, both of whom meant a great deal to me. Men. Who during that shift were created from Eugene and Jack.

[He hesitates, then decides he will not speak those names. He knows none of it happened, really. But he can't help but treasure those memories anyway, because he wishes it had. He wishes he hadn't been so utterly alone.]

The feelings lingered, after the shift had ended. I did[] not want them to. I still seek some way I can be rid of them. [He lifts one hand for a moment to press his thumb over his heart, the nail digging into his flesh through his shirt.] Would that I could just cut this nonsense out as the tumor it is and be rid of it.

[He lets his hand drop to his lap.] Rogue noticed I was upset, after having had a particularly stupid conversation with Eugene during the draft. She asked what was amiss. I will not lie to her, so I gave her the truth of it as I promised I would.

[His shoulders start to tremble.] I do not love her any less or differently than I did before. But I cannot rid myself of these feelings. And I know it hurts her. I know it is not what she expects of me, and I tried--

[He stops, catching his breath.]

Well, it doesn't matter. It wasn't good enough then, and my failure has become all the more abject now. [At this point, if he weren't so utterly fatigued he'd run screaming into the woods again. But he's never managed to properly escape himself. An unsteady breath.] And immediately after was when I was caught by the Dream Shifter. And then died. Hah. And then returned, blind and... unmanned.

[Eugene and Jack, huh... he wondered about Jack's involvement, now, and how he feels about all of this. After all, it was his boyfriend that Loki was kissing. Or was kissing Loki.

....

Jack can definitely wait, though. The thought of dealing with anyone else's mess of emotions after Loki is frankly exhausting, and he's not close enough to Jack to poke at his issues.

Speaking of issues, at least Loki takes his promise of honesty seriously. With something like this, it would be pretty tempting to just hide it or keep lying, especially with these results. Doesn't make any of it okay, but it doesn't make it worse, either. So there's that.]

It's good that you aren't lying to her. What do you mean by 'unmanned'?

[That's new.]

'tis the first promise ever I made to her, that I would not lie. [And he knew that was the price of having that relationship at all. He'd been glad to pay it. But the price has apparently expanded, and it's perhaps not anyone's fault as such. He's been trying, but it seems not hard enough.

Ah, the familiar sensation of failing to meet expectations. He'd thought he was done with that.

Loki manages a faint grimace, but he did mention it, so might as well just have it all out. Lay that last humiliation properly in the lineup of failures. And he just feels tired about it all now, fatigued beyond measure, as if this is now all inevitable and useless to fight.]

I was all right until the draft. That's why I thought... doesn't matter. [That's why he'd thought that it would be enough to just stay focused on Rogue and try to ignore the rest while he worked on a more permanent solution.] But after I came back from death, I simply...

[It's kind of hilarious, that this is what he's having the hardest time admitting. But it's something so basic and just humiliating.] I haven't been able to do my duty to her. [...he'd better clarify that, since terminology seems to have changed. Even more embarrassing. This is the one time he'd much rather be cute and use a euphemism.] I've had no interest in sex, as such. I'm just too... I'm too bloody tired.

[Now that is a pathetic excuse. While he can survive quite easily without sex, when it's there to be had he tends to take it with sheer, single-minded physicality, one of the few fundamental things he's had in common with the true Asgardians. Tired shouldn't really play into it. Hel, mortally wounded has barely stopped him in the past.]

I thought, a few days ago, that I might be recovering from this... ridiculous melancholy. I felt like kissing a bit. [And that had seemed to make Rogue happy. That had been a nice evening. He'd nearly felt normal. Then he laughs, sharply.] A bit too much, it would seem.

[...Ah. Well, the phrase was kind of self-explanatory, albeit outdated. There's an awkward pause as Billy considers that, focusing on wrapping a long, slim bandage around the first cleaned foot. It's not that surprising, really- it isn't as if he'd jumped into bed with Teddy right after the draft, and even for a while afterwards, sexual intimacy had taken a back burner in favour of comfort and cuddling, even well after he'd physically recovered. It was hard to get hot and heavy when your lungs occasionally forgot how to breathe.

But as ever they'd worked on it together. Thus, it begs the question-]

'Duty', you said... had she been pressuring you for it?

[Because if he had to choose a word for sex, 'duty' would not be it. It had never been an obligation so much as a perk to his relationship, so hearing it called such is... weird.]

[He sits up for a moment, voice sharp:] No. Of course not.

[Then just sort of deflates again, dropping back with a quiet thump.] Never.

[That is just as unthinkable as there being lies between them, at this point. He cannot conceive of a world where Rogue would treat him in that fashion. If it ever happened, he'd probably take it as evidence that some sort of shift had occurred until proven otherwise.

It's hard to explain any of this, but it feels important. He'd been so disinterested in everything, and just when he started to recover, this had happened. Bad timing? He doesn't know. It probably doesn't matter at this point either.

As he thinks, he begins picking at a hangnail again. Then carefully curls his fingers into loose fists.]

I still don't. Want to. [It wasn't as if kissing Eugene had been some sort of hot and heavy, clothes-tearing thing. It had just been... nice. Just as dancing with Rogue a few days before had been nice, but in a slightly different way.

He rubs his eyes, wishing he could just make sense of this. Or that he could just fix himself the way he'd fix any broken object. He has one idea, but he knows better than to ask Billy's help with collecting the crystals that would be necessary for the spell. Billy would want to know why, and Billy knows enough magic that he'd be able to sniff out a lie easily.]

I merely... I want to feel normal. [Well, as normal as he ever gets.]

Edited 2014-07-17 15:50 (UTC)

[Billy hadn't thought that she would, but that's the sort of question that has to be asked to get the full story. He's glad, though, even if it means more blame is on Loki again.

It's messy, though. This is all so, so messy.

He finishes with the first foot and moves on to the next, avoiding looking at Loki now. At least the other man won't know one way or the other.]

I know it's hard to wait for things to change... to go back to normal. And the thought that things might never be normal again makes it even scarier. But if you let your impatience for it damage your relationships, you might break something that can't be fixed.

[He laughs.] I already did, didn't I?

[Then he shakes his head, slowly back and forth.] Impatience isn't the problem. [He hadn't kissed Eugene for something so simply stated as a desire to feel normal. He'd ultimately kissed the man because he'd liked him, and wanted to do it. Which was no doubt immeasurably worse.

So then what is the problem? If he can define the problem at hand, then he can try to eradicate it.]

I think it's a bit of the problem. I mean... you're desperate to feel better, aren't you? To be better. You said yourself- you want to be normal. You want to... do your duty, or whatever. But if Rogue isn't the one pressuring you, then the one who's in a hurry for it is you.

[He winces as he plucks free another splinter. Ugh, that's a mess.]

What do you think is the problem?

[He falls silent for a moment.] I suppose I should say that the problem is me. There is something wrong with me. Something that means I will never be enough. I don't know what. But if I knew, I would excise the flaw like a tumor and cast it out.

[He sighs.] And I do think that. Satisfaction is not in my nature. I will always want more than I have.

[And perhaps that means this was always doomed to failure. Later, when he doesn't feel so completely depressed, he will be disgusted by his own defeatist thinking. Loki always has a plan, after all. One shoulder moves in a faint shrug.] There are very few people that can cause me to feel safe. Rogue does. And so does Eugene.

[And he wants to keep all of these people. It's that greedy nature. Not that he's expecting any understanding or sympathy on that count. He's gotten the impression that by human standards, one person is supposed to fulfill every need, and if it doesn't then that is considered bad and wrong.

Well, he's been bad and wrong on Asgard. Midgard too, really. No one is surprised.]

[Billy's quiet for a moment after that, silently winding another bandage around Loki's second foot. There's something wrong with... a lot of that. Not Loki himself, necessarily, but the words. He's not comfortable with it at all. People are so different- what they want, what they need, what they thrive on or starve without. If people weren't unique in so many ways, they wouldn't be near as interesting. Gods or demi-gods or aliens or whatever aren't exempt from that, either.]

...Some people... aren't meant to be monogamous.

[He says it matter-of-factly, shifting back and washing his hands off in the bowl of water. He hates the feel and look of blood on his hands, and he's trying not to let them shake now. He's not done, he needs to deal with the rest, and- if he's not doing something with his hands, he'll have to think too much about what's happening here. He's not ready for that.]

It isn't that there's anything wrong with you. Or rather, if there is, it isn't that. Open relationships exist on Earth, and some people are fine with it. Threesomes, too- arrangements between couples to hook up all together- it's okay to want more if you're not satisfied. But that sort of relationship means you need to be completely open- before you do anything beyond your partner. They need to be okay with it for it to work. That's why it's... cheating. You cheat your partner out of what they thought the relationship meant to you.

[He's silent for a long moment as he mulls that over. Finally, he says, very quietly:]

I'd gotten the impression humans simply didn't do that. At least not in proper--

[No. Old habits die hard. Old ways of thinking die even harder when they've been ingrained for so long.]

In relationships with women.

[It's not as if he's spent a lot of time observing the social niceties of mortals. He never had a reason to care until now. It's always been this vague impression of a man with one wife (or two, but they seem to not do that so much any more) and if you want to get him in trouble, get him in bed with another man or an animal and there you go. All he's really had to go on for mortals of this time has been observation, in which Jack and Eugene are the only non-monogamous couple and he'd just put that down under the mental heading of 'things ~~perverts~~ men who sleep with men can do but obliviously even then it's unusual.'

Even everything he's read has really just been about monogamy, with anyone having an outside relationship portrayed as misguided or downright villainous.]

It's different, where I'm from. [He shrugs. Rogue had made her distaste for the way things are done in Asgard clear, and really, if they were wrong about so many other things, it had seemed a proper assumption that they'd been wrong about that, too. That he should try to forge his own way and do better there, as well.]

I thought I could do it. For her.

[But he couldn't. Billy knows he doesn't have to say it, but the words are on the tip of his tongue, nonetheless. It's so hard to fathom, this... betrayal. The idea that the person you love isn't enough. It's been years and he's never wanted anyone but Teddy; even the enforced Malnosso shifts couldn't change that. His gaze shifts to the ring on his finger, wincing as he notices blood caught in the runes carved into the gold. He'll have to wash it really well when he gets home.

Dammit. Dammit. He's not equipped for this.]

"For her"... I'm sure it's hurt her to find out that she's not enough to satisfy you.

[There's always two sides to this coin. For someone who already has understandable issues about relationships, it must have been so much worse. No wonder she walked.]

[His lips curl in a slight snarl. It's the closest he can get to anger right now, as thoroughly as he has exhausted himself. If he had a drop energy left in him, he'd be shredding the couch.] I am not unsatisfied.

[Billy looks up at that, cautious but unafraid of the snarl.]

"Satisfaction is not in my nature." Your own words.

Hah, he will batter me with my own words.

[He pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to find a way to explain. Because he knows how he feels, but yes, he reminds himself, it's not as if anyone else knows how he feels. Which is probably for the best considering how often "how do I feel?" can be answered with "like stabbing someone in the neck."

Though this is not one of those times, it should be noted. He's too taken up by feeling generally terrible for turning any of it outward yet.]

I am not unsatisfied with Rogue. With anything about her. With anything about us. She has given me more than I could have ever hoped to have.

[He huffs a laugh.] I want all I can take from the world.

That's what I mean, though. You can say as much as you want that you're not unsatisfied with her, but the fact is that you're not satisfied with just her, either. I don't think there's any way to explain that to your partner without making them wonder why they're not enough to make the one they love completely happy. It's an unfortunate side-effect of a partnership.

[And most people - human, mutant, immortal, whatever - can't just shrug that sort of thing off. It hurts, and that uncertainty sticks.]

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