selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[He doesn't resist, and helps only passively.] I... yes, that would be good, I think.

I don't see why it would help. She walked away. I don't expect her to come back. [Though he'll... figure out a plan. Something. Once he's had some time to just think.

He takes a few deep breaths, briefly hugging his arms to his chest. His voice is small when he asks:] Am I... going to start having attacks of that... insanity again?

[He'd started off thinking the situation couldn't get worse, and then realized that yes, it could, and that would be how. So it might well happen.]

People walk away from problems when they're pissed, Loki. It's a thing. It doesn't mean "leave me alone forever", it just means they need to get the hell away from you for a while.

[He worries his bottom lip a bit, unsure. What the hell does that even mean?]

What... insanity?

[He knows that, but this is different. Because he knows if he ever lied to Rogue, she would quite literally walk away. He fears this was similar. He's also not entirely certain how to explain it, and the whole thing is making him feel a terrible sort of fatigue.] Not if she believes I willfully broke my word.

[Oh... right. Billy had never known about that. No one had known, expect for Rogue, who had kept faith on the topic, and Adele, who was no longer here. Tony had perhaps guessed, but he, too, was long since gone.

It's too late now. He's mentioned it. And with everything else that's come rushing out this evening, he might as well just have that out too. For once in his life he's not of a mood to keep things close. Let him have all these humiliating secrets out in a self-flagellating burst.]

Something that plagued me, the first time I was here. [He puts his face in his hands, taking a deep breath.] After I'd had my mouth sewn shut again. Rogue called them... yes, that's it. Panic attacks.

Edited 2014-08-05 14:33 (UTC)

...Ah.

[Well. At least he can sympathize with that one, too, though he feels another wave of discomfort at the way it was described. Filing that away in the list of Things Loki Says/Believes that are Not Okay.]

Panic attacks have nothing to do with insanity. They're completely normal for people who have gone through something terrible.

[He shrugs his shoulders slightly.] Rogue said much the same to me.

I have not known anyone in Asgard to be so afflicted. Nor have such fits of melancholy. [The 'it happens to everyone' thing sounds nice, but to him it sounds more like it happens to humans. Some humans are all right and everything--he's dating one, after all, and calls another little brother--but he's not human and doesn't want to be like one considering how small and weak they are in comparison.

This is not a commonality he wants at all.]

I seriously doubt that everyone in Asgard is immune to emotional trauma. But from what I understand, your society is so dudebro macho that no one can admit it.

[And the normalcy of that is more than likely why Loki dances around it, himself. God. He knows Earth is screwed up in a million ways but at least there's some variety in how people handle their problems.]

...what's a dudebro?

[Well, isn't this a nice distraction from feeling absolutely miserable.]

...Like...

[Billy gestures vaguely, but that won't help with Loki much. Uh.

Jock? Slang. Macho? Slang. Douche? Tempting.]

Kind of... a really masculine guy obsessed with Being A Man, drinking, and getting laid. They're basically insecure assholes who won't admit they're insecure assholes.

Oh yes, that is quite accurate.

[He smiles. It's not a nice smile.] The easiest way to pick a fight in Asgard it to imply a man is as a woman.

Thor nearly started a war with the Jotun because one of them called him a princess and told him to run away.

That... sounds a lot like something he'd do, yeah.

[Or at least he might in the past. He's not terribly reckless these days. Still, might be a good story for another day.]

Anyway, my point is that just because you people can't admit you have feelings doesn't mean you don't. You're living proof of that, and you're not the only one.

[Loki doesn't have feelings. Just ask Steve Rogers and Tony Stark.

Really, he's the proof of that? He doesn't like anything about this conversation. Or likes it even less, now.]

I am not controlled by my emotions.

[He sounds borderline petulant. And come on, Mr. Bundle-of-Feels-Act-Now-Rationalize-Later. Well, mother did say he understands everyone but himself.]

I just... don't want it to happen again.

...I... okay. Not to point fingers? But we literally just had a conversation about how you drunkenly gave in to feelings you admitted to carrying beyond an experiment, and being drunk only makes you less in control, it doesn't make you imagine up feelings that don't exist.

[He presses a damp cloth to the scratches on Loki's chest, wiping at the blood and, in a way, trying to keep him there and grounded. He doubts any of this is what Loki wants to hear.]

So maybe they first step should be to get over yourself and be as honest with Mr. Silver Tongue as you are with Rogue. You're an emotional person, Loki, and you're sure as hell not fooling me.

[There is no one that Loki lies more to than himself. And he convinces himself quite neatly most days.

There's no nothing wrong with emotions as such, only the vulnerability of them. And he's well aware the most powerful weapon he ever had is his mind. He doesn't like to think it can be overridden in such a way, and so easily.

(This is probably why he's the king of rationalization.)

The problem is right now, he can't think of a convincing counter argument in light of what he's already said. Maybe if he weren't so tired. He scrubs his face with one hand.]

Being drunk doesn't count.

[That's a weak defense and he knows it.

Asgardians are generally passionate people. But there's also a very sweet array of acceptable displays of emotion for men, and Loki learned a long time ago, for example, that laughing is always smarter than crying.]

Then the feelings are the problem, yes? [Obviously. For many reasons.] If I'm driven to fits of madness or acts of great stupidity.

[He sighs.] I was prone to the most pathetic melancholies when I was younger. I kept myself busy. There is nothing to do here.

[He refrains, with some difficulty, from snapping at the first comment. Something about Loki's expression, perhaps. He doesn't have to be happy about it, but he doesn't want to have the same argument all over again. Hmm.]

Feelings don't have to be a problem. And sadness isn't pathetic, either. By themselves, emotions are just emotions. It's what you do with them, how you deal with them that causes those problems. Do you think that everyone who's ever dealt with depression is pathetic?

[Part of the reason Loki is so basically offended by the idea of being depressed, of having such problems, is because he knows he is better than all of the Asgardians, who in turn think themselves far above the mortals, thus he too must be. Asgardians are not so afflicted. At least not the ones who survive. Sharing a disease of the flesh or brain with mortals is not something he wants at all.

He's not quite so self absorbed, even in this moment, that he thinks the answer would get anything but argument from Billy. He's really not in the mood for that kind of argument.

Try to divert, put the unpleasant question back on him.]

Think you that Asgardians are so similar to humans?

[He huffs a laugh.] Let alone whatever it is I am?

[He is so, so not in the mood to deal with Loki's superiority complex, either. But the diversion is more irritating than the prospect of discussing it.]

You didn't answer my question.

Sadness is not pathetic of itself. Anyone might mourn, I suppose.

[He has mourned, with powerful anger, though, after the black sorrow.

Hel. Just get it over with.]

But a melancholy? To be so buried by sourceless black moods that nothing might be done?

[As he has been?]

It is the definition of pathetic.

[Hm.

Hmmm.

Yeah, he's pretty much at his limit for this. His level of done has reached epic proportions. Billy purses his lips, withdrawing the cloth and wiping away the dampness to replace it with a fresh bandage, then silently fishes a fresh shirt out of his supplies to get it on Loki. Much as he's love to snap at that, he doubts it'll help, so he lets his silence speak for itself.]

[The silence is something of a relief. He doesn't like these questions, he doesn't like talking about these things. The wreckage that is Loki has been fully revealed and now he wishes nothing more than to sleep. He remains silent as well.

With luck, they will not speak of this again ever.

Though he also wonders if the silence is a symptom of disgust. It's possible. He's pretty disgusted with himself as well. Will he be seeing Billy again after this?

The question makes him even more tired.

Once the shirt is on, he sits back against the couch, hands limp in his lap. He probably ought to something.]

For your pains, I thank you.

[Hah... his pains? He's not sure if Loki is even joking. After his last comment, probably not. Still, it's almost laughable- an Asgardian in bandages and bloody clothes apologizing for that. Just not in the funny way. Not ever.

The definition of pathetic. He knows Loki doesn't mean him, but it still... it stings. And when the anger fades by his reluctance to chase it, all that's left is hurt. Maybe Loki's apology is warranted, though probably not for the reason he thinks.

He should probably say something, too.

Just... not to that.]

...You want me to bring Sif here? Or just cat-sit?

Thor will watch her.

[He shrugs one shoulder.] Or if you bring her here I will feed her. [It sounds like a lot of effort, but he does like his cat. She probably deserves a better person than him, though.]

You decide, I don't mind either way. Hold still-

[He'd promised to do it before, and he figures Loki's going to pick at them later, so he fishes a small pair of scissors from the medical kit - slim and sharp for cutting bandages - and takes Loki's hand to snip carefully at the loose nails. At least he won't be tearing any more unless he's actively trying to cause damage.]

Are you staying here?

[He flinches slightly until he realizes what Billy is doing, more habit than anything. He doesn't care that much, at the moment, what happens to him. Then he simply acquiesces passively.]

I suppose I will. I don't want to go back there. Not now.

[Billy wants him to decide what to do about the cat as well? He doesn't want to decide anything right now. It feels like too much effort, and he's just so tired. And every decision he's made has turned out terribly in the last day. How will this be an exception?]

Perhaps I should have my cat.

Like I said, your decision. But if you're worried about being alone or it being too quiet, it might be a good idea.

[He waits out the flinch, then continues his work, only taking a couple more snips to finish. Loki doesn't really have many nails long enough to cut short now, anyway. He wants to feel comforted by that, but isn't.]

All right. You're right.

[Probably for the best.]

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, June 24] all I could imagine with the punching is Loki making like Anthi in Utena. /gasp

[Action, June 24] I have never actually watched the show lol

[Action, June 24] The one at 0:20 is the best https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N26PiBSqRns

[Action, June 24] that's a lot of slaps

[Action, June 24] Utena: slaps and people turning into cars and INCEST. Yuuup

[Action, June 24] I remember the cars thing. I saw the movie once. so confusing...

[Action, June 24] That's about right.

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