selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[He can still hear it, though- excuses, justification, "it could be this much worse". And yeah, it could be. But 'worse' isn't what happened. And what happened was plenty.

He's not even going to touch on the drunk-as-an-excuse bit. No wonder Teddy used to fuss when he got even a little tipsy during the holidays; he's probably seen plenty of this situation during his party years. If nothing else this'll make it way more easy to stay clear of alcohol for a long, long time.]

Is that why you thought it was a good idea to go out in the woods and hurt yourself? Because it's just a body?

[Speaking of terrible decisions. Although he seriously doubts that Loki ever considered the notion to be a good anything.]

[The mighty drinking culture of Asgard should never be underestimated. There's so much of home still deeply embedded in Loki's spirit and he never even realizes it.]

No. That isn't what happened, really.

[He shrugs.]

I was upset. I went out. [I didn't want to accidentally blow up my cat. It just doesn't sound good, even thinking it.] I continued on until I was exhausted, and then realized I had no idea where I was.

It was so quiet.

[Not thinking about it, he begins to nibble at one fingernail, a strangely nervous little gesture.] So very quiet.

I... panicked.

[He takes in a slightly unsteady breath.] I haven't felt that way in a long time. Not since before I was sent home. I thought I'd outgrown that... sickness. And Rogue was always there, before.

[Only Loki would call trauma a 'sickness'.]

So will you stop poking at your nails, or do I have to get you ten band-aids, too?

[Actually, he's pretty sure that the first aid kit has those little scissors in it. Maybe he can take care of those hangnails when he's dealt with the more serious injuries.]

[But he's a ~~cheerleader~~ god, that makes everything totally different. A+ logic.

Loki drops his hands to his lap, suddenly self-conscious. He smooths his thumb over the fingernail he was worrying at. His voice is perhaps surprisingly small:]

It is broken. It catches.

[Now he's just starting to feel like a worthless fool. It's a rest stop on the way to embarrassed and angry, but he doesn't have nearly enough energy for that right now. Which is probably for the best.]

My apologies for bothering you.

[SSSSSIIIIIIIGH, god, this entire conversation is a perpetual cross between wanting to punch Loki and hug him. The urge to do both varies in degrees with each passing sentence. Dammit, dammit.]

You're not... bothering me. But I'm kind of pissed that you'd do this to Rogue, and I'm kind of socially obligated to call you trash and tell her to dump you, but I'm also kind of your brother and doomed to support you no matter what because that's what family does, and- do you see my rock-and-hard-place situation, here? Just...

[He sighs out loud this time, slightly exasperated, and gives Loki's shoulder a nudge, trying to get him to lean forward, away from the back of the chair.]

I'm upset because you're an idiot for wrecking a good thing you both had, and you obviously have no idea how to deal with it in a remotely healthy way. But I'm also not leaving, so shut up with that kind of talk.

[Trash. He feels like trash. When nudged, he leans forward, not really of a mind to fight direction.

He laughs.]

Well, didn't you hear, Billy? I destroy everything I touch.

[Screw you, Tony Stark. He puts his face in his hands.]

I couldn't even follow her. She was so upset, her powers-- [Her teleporting away. Definitely not a good thing. He's only seen that happen a few times, and this is the first time it was his fault.] I would have only made it worse. I did that to her.

So if you would like to call me trash, I shan't disagree. [His fingers tighten on his hair.]

[SSSSSSIIII- okay, no. But it's hard not to. Billy bites his lip and focuses on urging off the shirt, gently peeling it free of the drying blood from all those scratches. What he really needs is a shower, but Billy's not prepared to mother him that much, and he can't imagine Loki would welcome it. Cleaning the cuts and getting him a fresh shirt will have to do for now.]

I don't want any of this, for the record. And I'll see if I can find her as soon as we're done here. [She shouldn't be alone any more than Loki does, but he figures she has more people to rely on than Loki himself. It all depends on whether or not she'd go to any of them.] But yeah, you guys should... take some time. Space helps, sometimes.

[He doesn't resist, and helps only passively.] I... yes, that would be good, I think.

I don't see why it would help. She walked away. I don't expect her to come back. [Though he'll... figure out a plan. Something. Once he's had some time to just think.

He takes a few deep breaths, briefly hugging his arms to his chest. His voice is small when he asks:] Am I... going to start having attacks of that... insanity again?

[He'd started off thinking the situation couldn't get worse, and then realized that yes, it could, and that would be how. So it might well happen.]

People walk away from problems when they're pissed, Loki. It's a thing. It doesn't mean "leave me alone forever", it just means they need to get the hell away from you for a while.

[He worries his bottom lip a bit, unsure. What the hell does that even mean?]

What... insanity?

[He knows that, but this is different. Because he knows if he ever lied to Rogue, she would quite literally walk away. He fears this was similar. He's also not entirely certain how to explain it, and the whole thing is making him feel a terrible sort of fatigue.] Not if she believes I willfully broke my word.

[Oh... right. Billy had never known about that. No one had known, expect for Rogue, who had kept faith on the topic, and Adele, who was no longer here. Tony had perhaps guessed, but he, too, was long since gone.

It's too late now. He's mentioned it. And with everything else that's come rushing out this evening, he might as well just have that out too. For once in his life he's not of a mood to keep things close. Let him have all these humiliating secrets out in a self-flagellating burst.]

Something that plagued me, the first time I was here. [He puts his face in his hands, taking a deep breath.] After I'd had my mouth sewn shut again. Rogue called them... yes, that's it. Panic attacks.

Edited 2014-08-05 14:33 (UTC)

...Ah.

[Well. At least he can sympathize with that one, too, though he feels another wave of discomfort at the way it was described. Filing that away in the list of Things Loki Says/Believes that are Not Okay.]

Panic attacks have nothing to do with insanity. They're completely normal for people who have gone through something terrible.

[He shrugs his shoulders slightly.] Rogue said much the same to me.

I have not known anyone in Asgard to be so afflicted. Nor have such fits of melancholy. [The 'it happens to everyone' thing sounds nice, but to him it sounds more like it happens to humans. Some humans are all right and everything--he's dating one, after all, and calls another little brother--but he's not human and doesn't want to be like one considering how small and weak they are in comparison.

This is not a commonality he wants at all.]

I seriously doubt that everyone in Asgard is immune to emotional trauma. But from what I understand, your society is so dudebro macho that no one can admit it.

[And the normalcy of that is more than likely why Loki dances around it, himself. God. He knows Earth is screwed up in a million ways but at least there's some variety in how people handle their problems.]

...what's a dudebro?

[Well, isn't this a nice distraction from feeling absolutely miserable.]

...Like...

[Billy gestures vaguely, but that won't help with Loki much. Uh.

Jock? Slang. Macho? Slang. Douche? Tempting.]

Kind of... a really masculine guy obsessed with Being A Man, drinking, and getting laid. They're basically insecure assholes who won't admit they're insecure assholes.

Oh yes, that is quite accurate.

[He smiles. It's not a nice smile.] The easiest way to pick a fight in Asgard it to imply a man is as a woman.

Thor nearly started a war with the Jotun because one of them called him a princess and told him to run away.

That... sounds a lot like something he'd do, yeah.

[Or at least he might in the past. He's not terribly reckless these days. Still, might be a good story for another day.]

Anyway, my point is that just because you people can't admit you have feelings doesn't mean you don't. You're living proof of that, and you're not the only one.

[Loki doesn't have feelings. Just ask Steve Rogers and Tony Stark.

Really, he's the proof of that? He doesn't like anything about this conversation. Or likes it even less, now.]

I am not controlled by my emotions.

[He sounds borderline petulant. And come on, Mr. Bundle-of-Feels-Act-Now-Rationalize-Later. Well, mother did say he understands everyone but himself.]

I just... don't want it to happen again.

...I... okay. Not to point fingers? But we literally just had a conversation about how you drunkenly gave in to feelings you admitted to carrying beyond an experiment, and being drunk only makes you less in control, it doesn't make you imagine up feelings that don't exist.

[He presses a damp cloth to the scratches on Loki's chest, wiping at the blood and, in a way, trying to keep him there and grounded. He doubts any of this is what Loki wants to hear.]

So maybe they first step should be to get over yourself and be as honest with Mr. Silver Tongue as you are with Rogue. You're an emotional person, Loki, and you're sure as hell not fooling me.

[There is no one that Loki lies more to than himself. And he convinces himself quite neatly most days.

There's no nothing wrong with emotions as such, only the vulnerability of them. And he's well aware the most powerful weapon he ever had is his mind. He doesn't like to think it can be overridden in such a way, and so easily.

(This is probably why he's the king of rationalization.)

The problem is right now, he can't think of a convincing counter argument in light of what he's already said. Maybe if he weren't so tired. He scrubs his face with one hand.]

Being drunk doesn't count.

[That's a weak defense and he knows it.

Asgardians are generally passionate people. But there's also a very sweet array of acceptable displays of emotion for men, and Loki learned a long time ago, for example, that laughing is always smarter than crying.]

Then the feelings are the problem, yes? [Obviously. For many reasons.] If I'm driven to fits of madness or acts of great stupidity.

[He sighs.] I was prone to the most pathetic melancholies when I was younger. I kept myself busy. There is nothing to do here.

[He refrains, with some difficulty, from snapping at the first comment. Something about Loki's expression, perhaps. He doesn't have to be happy about it, but he doesn't want to have the same argument all over again. Hmm.]

Feelings don't have to be a problem. And sadness isn't pathetic, either. By themselves, emotions are just emotions. It's what you do with them, how you deal with them that causes those problems. Do you think that everyone who's ever dealt with depression is pathetic?

[Part of the reason Loki is so basically offended by the idea of being depressed, of having such problems, is because he knows he is better than all of the Asgardians, who in turn think themselves far above the mortals, thus he too must be. Asgardians are not so afflicted. At least not the ones who survive. Sharing a disease of the flesh or brain with mortals is not something he wants at all.

He's not quite so self absorbed, even in this moment, that he thinks the answer would get anything but argument from Billy. He's really not in the mood for that kind of argument.

Try to divert, put the unpleasant question back on him.]

Think you that Asgardians are so similar to humans?

[He huffs a laugh.] Let alone whatever it is I am?

[He is so, so not in the mood to deal with Loki's superiority complex, either. But the diversion is more irritating than the prospect of discussing it.]

You didn't answer my question.

Sadness is not pathetic of itself. Anyone might mourn, I suppose.

[He has mourned, with powerful anger, though, after the black sorrow.

Hel. Just get it over with.]

But a melancholy? To be so buried by sourceless black moods that nothing might be done?

[As he has been?]

It is the definition of pathetic.

[Hm.

Hmmm.

Yeah, he's pretty much at his limit for this. His level of done has reached epic proportions. Billy purses his lips, withdrawing the cloth and wiping away the dampness to replace it with a fresh bandage, then silently fishes a fresh shirt out of his supplies to get it on Loki. Much as he's love to snap at that, he doubts it'll help, so he lets his silence speak for itself.]

[IC] Appointments Post

[Action, June 24] batman is a dick

[Action, June 24] I can't argue with this statement.

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[Action, June 24] all I could imagine with the punching is Loki making like Anthi in Utena. /gasp

[Action, June 24] I have never actually watched the show lol

[Action, June 24] The one at 0:20 is the best https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N26PiBSqRns

[Action, June 24] that's a lot of slaps

[Action, June 24] Utena: slaps and people turning into cars and INCEST. Yuuup

[Action, June 24] I remember the cars thing. I saw the movie once. so confusing...

[Action, June 24] That's about right.

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