selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[He's getting a really bad feeling about where this conversation's going to go, but he doesn't have the right to turn tail. It's his responsibility; he needs to see it through.

But god, he really, really doesn't want to.]

...I mean... I'll understand if you... hate me. [Who wouldn't?] And if you tell me to leave you alone after this, I...

[God. Why can't he get a single freaking sentence out? Why does everything have to be so hard?]

Loki told you, didn't he? About the spell? That... it was me.

[Rogue was silent for a long moment, and then she turned to face Billy directly.]

He didn't need to tell me. Who else would make Wanda your mother an' Tommy your brother?

[No, this thing had been too personalized and too local. She'd known for weeks.

Rogue planted her pitchfork in the hay in a simple, abrupt motion, and it made a harsh shifting sound with the force behind it.]

Let's take a walk.

[Now that she'd faced him, it was time to have it out.]

[...Ah...

It was kind of obvious, wasn't it? And now he's wondering why she didn't confront him the way Loki and others already had. Maybe she just didn't want to see him at all. Maybe she was waiting for this.

He doesn't question it, though. He nods, ready to agree to just about anything she asks of him now, and waits for her to pick a route for them to take. How this goes, where they go- it's her call. He'll do what she wants.]

[Rogue picks a random direction and starts walking. She walks in silence for a good long time, the tense energy she feels demanding more of a run, so Billy may have to work on keeping up. Her jaw is clenched tightly in thought and she has to make herself remember a stone marker, a burned sketch, and she tells herself to ride the pain.

And finally she slows and casts him a look over her shoulder.]

If you wanna tell me what happened, start at the beginning. And don't leave anythin' out.

[It takes some effort to follow her at pace - he's still recovering, though he's mostly better by now - but he manages. When she finally slows down and says that... he kind of wishes they'd just kept running. He doesn't want to tell her everything. He doesn't want anyone to know what happened when they were taken, for his sake, sure, but more especially, for Teddy's.

It was inevitable, though. He'd already decided to answer whatever questions she had- whatever questions any of them had, really. And he has to deal with it sooner or later.

Or, rather- it's now or never.]

...We were abducted... Teddy and I. They locked us up, they put some kind of... collar on me. It hurt me when I tried to use my powers to get free. Shocked me, I think.

[His hand lifts unconsciously to his neck; the scars are still there, an uneven ring of faded, half-healed burn marks showing where it had rested.]

They started... hurting Teddy. I don't even know why... they just cut into him over and over, like they were looking for something that wasn't there. I tried... I tried fighting, but the collar...

[More excuses for it failure, it feels like. A justification for what he did- as if to say, "I went through pain, too! So it's okay!" That isn't his intent, but the words feel sour in his mouth, and he swallows them back.]

I don't... remember most of it. Just flashes- memories of... pain, and scents, and... the sounds. [Teddy screaming, blood spattering on the floor, too much current coursing through him, the numb seizing up of a body overcharged and burning, sharpening knives, a ringing in his ears.] Teddy said... he said I died, for a while.

[Oh. Well. That was... Gawd, Billy.

She sees the scars around his neck and just... Gawd.

Her voice is quiet.]

What do ya mean, you died? They brought you back, or was it this place?

[Billy shakes his head, glancing downwards.]

It must've been them. They did... something to me, put something in my head or boosted my power or... I don't know.

[He starts wringing his hands together, feeling frustrated. God, he wishes he had all the answers, but there's so many mysteries for what really happened and it's driving him mad.]

When I woke up, all I could feel was energy everywhere. There was so much I thought I was drowning in it. I couldn't hold it... I couldn't even see right. Just power, and life, and...

[He shakes his head, the memories blurring, and it's disorienting. Even now, with his head so much clearer, it's hard to understand what had really happened in that room. He can barely remember it, and Teddy... really doesn't like to talk about it.]

That's when...they cut off Teddy's wings. To shock me, maybe, to get me to stop, but I... I thought he was dead, and I...

[I went crazy. That was when it really happened, when I snapped.]

It must've been too much to keep me there. Too risky, or... I don't know. But they sent me back here like that. Thinking... Teddy was dead.

[Rogue felt sick. They cut off Teddy's wings. She tried to imagine how she would have felt if it had been Loki and her mind quickly slid away from the thought.]

Oh Gawd. [She reached out a hand towards Billy's shoulder and let it fall back to her side.] Billy...

[He barely notices; her tone makes him wince, and he glances over at her, biting his lip.]

It doesn't excuse anything. I know that, I know... it wasn't right. But that's when I cast the spell. I had all that power, and it wanted to be used, and... the only thing I could think of was... that I could fix things. Make it better. Bring Teddy back, and... change things here so that he'd never get hurt again. So that no one would get hurt. I wanted everything to be perfect...

[And maybe it was. Maybe for a little while, it was exactly what they wanted.

But lies don't last, here or anywhere.]

...I just couldn't hold it.

[Rogue had to take a steadying breath. Billy had told her a lot, and she'd have to go back to it, but he needed to finish getting this off his chest. She could hold on for that, just--

She swallowed hard.]

How did you know - how did you know what was 'perfect?'

Edited 2013-11-11 05:20 (UTC)

...I... I met an empath here, a while ago. The spell... 'borrowed' his powers. Boosted them. That's how it knew what to give everyone.

[Someone else he hasn't been able to check on. Someone else he's terrified to meet.]

[There was something else there. She could almost see the missing piece. After all, she knew better than anyone just what it meant to borrow someone's powers.]

'Borrowed' his powers? How do ya mean?

[Hrngh. He didn't want to talk about that. It's part of the all-encompassing "everything" but he'd hoped...]

...I... don't really understand it, myself. I drew it from him, somehow. Sort of like... Cerebro? Do you guys have Cerebro yet?

[Rogue doesn't have him the dry joke that she wants to - she just nods.]

It uses the powers of whatever telepath is connected to it, right? To... track down mutants. It was the same idea with this. I used his powers to find what people wished for, and... then the spell created new lives for them.

[She supposed asking how he did that - because it sounded completely impossible to her - was kind of silly. After all, until recently she wouldn't have thought that just one person had the power to recreate so many lives.

She continued to speak quietly.]

Then what did you do?

[What did he do? After the spell was cast? Ha. What didn't he do, more like. He pretended, he let them all believe in his lies, he...

...he...]

When I cast the spell... I tried to bring Teddy back. I tried to bring him to life again. But it didn't work... you can't revive someone who isn't actually dead. Instead, the spell, it... gave me an illusion. A fabricated version of him, like... all the other people who weren't real.

[There were so many. Too many to count.]

It was supposed to be perfect. It was supposed to be enough. But I knew... I knew it was all just a fabrication. I had to, to keep the spell going. So I just... pretended.

[Rogue felt cold. He'd made... a puppet of his boyfriend. And pretended.

And he'd had to maintain the spell... she wrapped her arms around herself.]

...the whole time. The whole time you were pretendin'. Keeping the spell in place.

[All he can really do is nod. It's the truth, after all.]

I couldn't sleep. My spells don't hold when I'm asleep. So the longer it lasted, the less it seemed to work. By the time it broke I was so out of it I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. All I could think about was keeping it going.

[Rogue took a deep breath.

So you knew it wasn't real. You just pretended.

She spoke quietly, trying to contain her emotions.]

Because you wanted it to be real.

...That's... the extent of it, yeah.

[There's no excusing it. But that was his reason, for better or worse.]

[ She looked down, then at Billy directly. Her voice was low.] How dare you?

[...Ah.

He was wondering when it would all go bad. The conversation's been so calm it's almost eerie. Apparently it was just... building up, or something.

And he did kind of walk right into that.

It wasn't me.

I wouldn't have done this.

It's not what I'd choose.

But those are just excuses again, and they feel empty and useless, building themselves into an uncomfortable lump in his throat that he forces himself to swallow. Excuses won't fix what's been done. Neither will apologies.

He hates that that's all he has.]

...I know.

[Wrong answer.]

No. You don't know. [Rogue advances one long-legged step towards him.] You were hurt. Tortured. You thought Teddy was dead. You were walkin' around with all this pain an' anger inside you and you didn't tell anyone? You lied to us instead. You thought you were fixin' it, but you knew, you knew it was just one big lie. Why didn't you trust us, Billy? Why didn't you trust any of us? Maybe we couldn't make it better, but guess what -- you couldn't either. We would have been there for you. We would have helped all we could. But you just didn't trust us.

[Why?]

[...Wait. That’s what she’s angry about? Or is this just another piece of the puzzle? None of this is going the way he’d expected at all, and he doesn’t know if he should feel relieved or what.]

...I… it wasn’t about trust. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, it was… it felt more like I literally couldn’t. There was this… this weight in my head, pushing down on me… I couldn’t even think properly. If I could - if I had - I’d never have used that spell… but nothing felt right. It was like I was on auto-pilot… and the magic just…

[He makes a vague gesture reminiscent of an explosion; that’s sort of what the spell was like, for him. Everyone else was metaphorically collateral damage.]

It wasn’t… me. Not completely. And I’m not trying to shrug off the blame or anything, I know it’s my fault, but I’m not…

[I’m not like that…]

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