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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up
[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.
First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.
After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.
They'd be wrong, but.
This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]
...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.
["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]
...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...
[....]
...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.
Thanks. For hearing me out.
[And... that's that.]
First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.
After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.
They'd be wrong, but.
This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]
...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.
["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]
...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...
[....]
...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.
Thanks. For hearing me out.
[And... that's that.]
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And that was really it, wasn't it. He'd been hurt, and he hadn't trusted them to help him get over it, but it hadn't been entirely him. She knew what that meant. And she knew what it took to do what he was doing.
And Rogue finally knew what she wanted from him.
She stepped forward and very carefully hugged him.]
Come here, you idiot boy.
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He still didn't really trust her, did he? Any of them. He assumed they'd hate him as much as he hates himself right now. And it is his fault, but it isn't, because he couldn't control it, but he'd still-
....
He's tired. Tired of thinking about it, of explaining, of apologizing, of looking people in the eye and seeing how they see him change. Because even if they don't hate him, even if they manage to forgive him or even just refrain from killing him, it's... different.
It's not his fault. But it is, and things have changed. Even with Teddy, it's... damaged. Affected. There's a rift that hasn't been mended, there, and he'll never stop trying to, but... he wonders, sometimes. If it's just a matter of time.
It's not his fault. But it is. But it isn't, but-
...But he's so, so tired. So when she hugs him, he's frozen in place for a long moment before that wretched feeling bubbles up again from deep in his stomach, and he slumps against her, hands lifting to clench at her back, a strangled sob escaping his lips so broken it's almost inhuman. He wants to scream, but he doesn't have the energy to do anything more than whisper, over and over-]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry...!
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She let him continue to apologize for a little while, continued to hold him even though it made her feel uncomfortable.]
Shush.
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He waits, instead, trying to rein in some control of his own body, to hold back the sniffs and the choked-off noises and just absorb the comfort she's offering. And when she's had enough, he'll back off.
This... was an unexpected gift. He's not about to force any more discomfort on her after... well, everything.
Breathe. Breathe. It's okay.]
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Rogue carefully ran a gloved hand back and forth over his shoulders. She shut her eyes and just let herself be.]
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His hand goes to his eyes, wiping at the lingering wetness and trying to appear stronger than he feels.]
S... sorry. But... thanks... for that.
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She looks like she's about to say something but changes her mind.]
Walk with me.
[And she turns to walk again.]
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I don't know if I can forgive you just yet. [She speaks after a while.] I'd like to. But I guess I'm just not that good of a person. I know it's not fair, but that's how I feel.
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...I understand.
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I wish you wouldn't say that. 'cause I'm not sure ya do. What is it you think you understand?
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[He's not sure if he's said something wrong, now. Isn't that what she just said? Because he sure as hell can't forgive himself, either.]
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Because this can’t be forgiven.
He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know the answer. So in the end he shrugs and shakes his head, brows furrowed in concern. It should be obvious, but there are too many answers, and none of them add up to everything she just said and did. So what’s the reason?]
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I've thought about it, you know. What I wanted to do with you. Gotta admit, in my darker moments, a more permanent solution came to mind. I was angry an' hurt, and I thought 'should one person have so much power?' But I kept thinkin' about that and... the whole point of the X-Men is that our power doesn't determine our lives. Our choices do. No one's disqualified from life for havin' or not havin' a certain kind of power. And it was just an excuse, anyway - I wanted to hurt you because I couldn't ever have that back.
[She shook her head.]
Billy, you slipped inside my head an' gave me something I never should have known. And it was a lie. But it's my choice how to deal with that.
[She stops walking and turns to look at him.]
And it's your choice to decide how this is gonna define you. So I'll forgive you... when ya let me know if I should blame you or not.
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It's the only thing he can't do.]
That's... not fair.
[It slips out before he can stop himself, but he can't really bring himself to regret it, either. The whole point of this had been to give them someone to blame if they wanted, give someone real and physically there to hate. And even knowing he'd been affected by something else doesn't change the fact that he blames himself. He probably always will. He can't fathom a time where he wouldn't feel badly for doing this.
So why? Why does it have to be his choice? Is this some subtle way of giving him the blame anyway? If that's what she wants, he'll take it, but...
...it's not fair.]
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That's right.
[That's exactly right. It wasn't fair. What happened to Billy wasn't fair. What happened through Billy to her, to the people that she most loved, wasn't fair.
And she wasn't the best at this herself. She hadn't even begun to start learning to accept what was and wasn't her responsibility in regards to her powers. But she had made strides in realizing that waking up Apocalypse... wasn't her fault. It still felt like it was her fault and it was something she fought, but Rogue was learning to value choice more and more. In fact, it was partially due to what had happened with Billy now that made her look back on her guilt and feel... free.
Mystique wasn't going to control her anymore. Not even through guilt.]
That's exactly right.
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It's something he'll really have to think about.]
...Do... you want me to leave you alone?
[He doesn't just mean right now.]
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Do you wanna leave me alone?
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What I want doesn't matter. This isn't about me. This isn't about my needs or desires or...
...it's not about me.
And I can't let myself want anything right now.]
....That's not it. I just don't want to make people feel uncomfortable, or... anything. If me being around is upsetting, then...
[He's offering an out, here.]
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Being around you is upsetting. What do you expect? I bet it bothers you too.
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It... does. Things are- different now, and- and the way people look at me sometimes, I-
[He shuts his mouth with a click of his teeth, arms lifting to awkwardly hug himself.]
...I never... used to care what people thought of me. But now...
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Now?
[It's a simple 'I'm listening' question.]
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[God. He feels like his whole life's philosophy has been shaken to its very core. It's distressing and kind of pathetic, really.]
I don't like the thought of... being hated. I don't like the thought of losing the people I care about... because of something I didn't even mean to do.
[I don't want to be alone...]
But it's not my call to make, and... that scares me.
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It's true, you can't force anyone to want you back, to accept what ya did. [She looks at Billy again.] But ya could walk aroun' with less of a 'kick me' sign on your back an' more of a 'I did wrong an' I want things between us to be right,' kinda sign. We're an hour into this talk, an' I still can't tell what you want, an' you still can't tell me who to blame.
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