[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[selfhelp]

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

Comments

[touchofrogue]

[That wasn't the response that she expected, but after a moment, Rogue wanted to laugh.]

That's right.

[That's exactly right. It wasn't fair. What happened to Billy wasn't fair. What happened through Billy to her, to the people that she most loved, wasn't fair.

And she wasn't the best at this herself. She hadn't even begun to start learning to accept what was and wasn't her responsibility in regards to her powers. But she had made strides in realizing that waking up Apocalypse... wasn't her fault. It still felt like it was her fault and it was something she fought, but Rogue was learning to value choice more and more. In fact, it was partially due to what had happened with Billy now that made her look back on her guilt and feel... free.

Mystique wasn't going to control her anymore. Not even through guilt.]

That's exactly right.

[selfhelp]

[He doesn't know how. He doesn't know how. He thinks and he frets and he mopes and he justifies sometimes but he never, ever forgives. Not himself. Not for this. It's his mistake. His responsibility. How can he not blame himself?

It's something he'll really have to think about.]

...Do... you want me to leave you alone?

[He doesn't just mean right now.]

[touchofrogue]

[Her eyebrows arch slightly.]

Do you wanna leave me alone?

[selfhelp]

[Another glance- up, then down, then away- and he doesn't answer right away.

What I want doesn't matter. This isn't about me. This isn't about my needs or desires or...

...it's not about me.

And I can't let myself want anything right now.]

....That's not it. I just don't want to make people feel uncomfortable, or... anything. If me being around is upsetting, then...

[He's offering an out, here.]

[touchofrogue]

[That doesn't answer her question. And the pause is worrying. She hesitates a moment.]

Being around you is upsetting. What do you expect? I bet it bothers you too.

[selfhelp]

[He can't deny that. It would be stupid to even try, so he doesn't.]

It... does. Things are- different now, and- and the way people look at me sometimes, I-

[He shuts his mouth with a click of his teeth, arms lifting to awkwardly hug himself.]

...I never... used to care what people thought of me. But now...

[touchofrogue]

[She wonders if that's entirely true, or if that was just something he told himself. It was hard not to care what other people thought of you. She knew that from bitter experience.]

Now?

[It's a simple 'I'm listening' question.]

[selfhelp]

...Now...

[God. He feels like his whole life's philosophy has been shaken to its very core. It's distressing and kind of pathetic, really.]

I don't like the thought of... being hated. I don't like the thought of losing the people I care about... because of something I didn't even mean to do.

[I don't want to be alone...]

But it's not my call to make, and... that scares me.

[touchofrogue]

[She glances away from Billy off to a distance point over his shoulder, frowning slightly as she tries to figure out what of her experience she can draw on... anything that will help... and as part of her wonders why she should even bother.]

It's true, you can't force anyone to want you back, to accept what ya did. [She looks at Billy again.] But ya could walk aroun' with less of a 'kick me' sign on your back an' more of a 'I did wrong an' I want things between us to be right,' kinda sign. We're an hour into this talk, an' I still can't tell what you want, an' you still can't tell me who to blame.

[selfhelp]

[He can't tell, either.

I'm not allowed to want anything anymore.]

I don't... have all the answers yet. About what this was, about what happened... and I'm still trying to work through it, figure it out. I need help to do that.

[He hesitates there. From Loki, is left unsaid- because if Loki doesn't accept him back, then he'll look elsewhere. He won't push. But he's the one person that Billy feels could help him the most with this.]

Until I know more, I... can't answer any of that.

[Can he wear both signs at once? Because he still feels like he ought to be kicked.]

I'm sorry. Really, I... I don't mean to be difficult.

[touchofrogue]

Maybe you should be.

[But she's had more than enough pop therapy for today, thank you very much. Telling Billy outright that maybe he should throw a fit and grieve because he was used to hurt the people that he loved--

Well, screw it.]

Look, Billy. I get that you're tryin' to do the right thing - I do. But maybe you should think about tryin' to do the right thing by you too. Are you lettin' anyone help you?

[selfhelp]

[Help... him?

Since when is he supposed to get help for this?]

I don't know what you mean. Um. This? Visiting people? Teddy's been walking with me… he's been really supportive, actually.

[Certainly more than he deserves.]