selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[She supposed asking how he did that - because it sounded completely impossible to her - was kind of silly. After all, until recently she wouldn't have thought that just one person had the power to recreate so many lives.

She continued to speak quietly.]

Then what did you do?

[What did he do? After the spell was cast? Ha. What didn't he do, more like. He pretended, he let them all believe in his lies, he...

...he...]

When I cast the spell... I tried to bring Teddy back. I tried to bring him to life again. But it didn't work... you can't revive someone who isn't actually dead. Instead, the spell, it... gave me an illusion. A fabricated version of him, like... all the other people who weren't real.

[There were so many. Too many to count.]

It was supposed to be perfect. It was supposed to be enough. But I knew... I knew it was all just a fabrication. I had to, to keep the spell going. So I just... pretended.

[Rogue felt cold. He'd made... a puppet of his boyfriend. And pretended.

And he'd had to maintain the spell... she wrapped her arms around herself.]

...the whole time. The whole time you were pretendin'. Keeping the spell in place.

[All he can really do is nod. It's the truth, after all.]

I couldn't sleep. My spells don't hold when I'm asleep. So the longer it lasted, the less it seemed to work. By the time it broke I was so out of it I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. All I could think about was keeping it going.

[Rogue took a deep breath.

So you knew it wasn't real. You just pretended.

She spoke quietly, trying to contain her emotions.]

Because you wanted it to be real.

...That's... the extent of it, yeah.

[There's no excusing it. But that was his reason, for better or worse.]

[ She looked down, then at Billy directly. Her voice was low.] How dare you?

[...Ah.

He was wondering when it would all go bad. The conversation's been so calm it's almost eerie. Apparently it was just... building up, or something.

And he did kind of walk right into that.

It wasn't me.

I wouldn't have done this.

It's not what I'd choose.

But those are just excuses again, and they feel empty and useless, building themselves into an uncomfortable lump in his throat that he forces himself to swallow. Excuses won't fix what's been done. Neither will apologies.

He hates that that's all he has.]

...I know.

[Wrong answer.]

No. You don't know. [Rogue advances one long-legged step towards him.] You were hurt. Tortured. You thought Teddy was dead. You were walkin' around with all this pain an' anger inside you and you didn't tell anyone? You lied to us instead. You thought you were fixin' it, but you knew, you knew it was just one big lie. Why didn't you trust us, Billy? Why didn't you trust any of us? Maybe we couldn't make it better, but guess what -- you couldn't either. We would have been there for you. We would have helped all we could. But you just didn't trust us.

[Why?]

[...Wait. That’s what she’s angry about? Or is this just another piece of the puzzle? None of this is going the way he’d expected at all, and he doesn’t know if he should feel relieved or what.]

...I… it wasn’t about trust. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, it was… it felt more like I literally couldn’t. There was this… this weight in my head, pushing down on me… I couldn’t even think properly. If I could - if I had - I’d never have used that spell… but nothing felt right. It was like I was on auto-pilot… and the magic just…

[He makes a vague gesture reminiscent of an explosion; that’s sort of what the spell was like, for him. Everyone else was metaphorically collateral damage.]

It wasn’t… me. Not completely. And I’m not trying to shrug off the blame or anything, I know it’s my fault, but I’m not…

[I’m not like that…]

[She stares at him for a long, long moment.]

If it wasn't you, it's not your fault.

[He wilts somewhat under the pressure of that gaze, unable to meet her eyes.]

Is that what I should be telling people? "Sorry I screwed with your heads, it's not my fault"?

[He pauses, and then adds more quietly,]

You think Loki would accept that?

[Rogue makes an abrupt cutting motion with her hand.]

Is it the truth, or not?

[His gaze flits up briefly, then down again.]

It is...

[But that doesn't make it okay, does it?]

If it's true, then why would he accept anythin' less.

[There's a hint of emotion and temper in her tone still, and then Rogue takes one more step towards him, putting both hands on his shoulders.]

I am not tellin' you to make excuses. I'm tellin' you that if the truth is you weren't in control, then you weren't in control. That's the truth, Billy. Aren't we owed that?

[And not just everyone who he'd pulled into his delusion -- Billy was owed that too.]

[He said he'd cut out my tongue.

He won't say that, though. He's shaking under her hands, his gaze darting wildly from her, to the ground, to the side, then back again, as if he's not sure if it's okay to look up yet, as if he's afraid of what he'll see. There's tears in his eyes that he doesn't bother fighting, but they're from uneasy relief as much as fear.]

You are... you're...

[They're owed a lot more than that, aren't they? Someone to blame, someone to vent at, someone to hate if it helps them with the pain. The fact that he's not getting any of that is probably disturbing him more than it would if he had.]

Aren't you mad...?

[Is this even forgivable?

I thought everyone would hate me...]

I'm furious.

[She let go of Billy's shoulders, a quick squeeze and release.]

Some twisted bastards took two friends of mine, tortured them, an' then stuck something inside your head. You think I don't know what that feels like? To feel responsible for things that I did which I couldn't control?

[It doesn't make it all right. Rogue is not feeling all right. But if he tells her that it wasn't entirely his choice while looking so desperately like he wants to be kicked in the head, what can she do but believe him? She remembers all too well what it felt like to be responsible for the end of the world.]

[That... makes a lot of sense. It boggles the mind, he doesn't know what to say, and he feels like thanking her (which might be weird) or collapsing into a sad, pathetic heap (which would be really awkward). Maybe he could collapse and thank her. Maybe he could just cry some more.

....

He'll probably just cry some more.]

I w- [Shit. Shit, no.] ...No one should have to know that. It feels awful...

[But he is so, so grateful that she apparently doesn't hate him right now.]

Edited 2013-11-17 01:44 (UTC)

[...that... okay. That was something for another time. This wasn't about her issues, at least not the ones Billy hadn't been the vehicle to cause.

And that was really it, wasn't it. He'd been hurt, and he hadn't trusted them to help him get over it, but it hadn't been entirely him. She knew what that meant. And she knew what it took to do what he was doing.

And Rogue finally knew what she wanted from him.

She stepped forward and very carefully hugged him.]

Come here, you idiot boy.

[He is. God, he is. Idiot, that's him. It's been him all month.

He still didn't really trust her, did he? Any of them. He assumed they'd hate him as much as he hates himself right now. And it is his fault, but it isn't, because he couldn't control it, but he'd still-

....

He's tired. Tired of thinking about it, of explaining, of apologizing, of looking people in the eye and seeing how they see him change. Because even if they don't hate him, even if they manage to forgive him or even just refrain from killing him, it's... different.

It's not his fault. But it is, and things have changed. Even with Teddy, it's... damaged. Affected. There's a rift that hasn't been mended, there, and he'll never stop trying to, but... he wonders, sometimes. If it's just a matter of time.

It's not his fault. But it is. But it isn't, but-

...But he's so, so tired. So when she hugs him, he's frozen in place for a long moment before that wretched feeling bubbles up again from deep in his stomach, and he slumps against her, hands lifting to clench at her back, a strangled sob escaping his lips so broken it's almost inhuman. He wants to scream, but he doesn't have the energy to do anything more than whisper, over and over-]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry...!

[Rogue was so incredibly awkward at this. But there was an unexpected benefit with Billy collapsing on her in tears. Much as stories of what had happened to him and Teddy before, this helped ground Rogue in what had happened for Billy. And it softened her heart towards him.

She let him continue to apologize for a little while, continued to hold him even though it made her feel uncomfortable.]

Shush.

I'm- [...And then he shushes, biting down on his tongue to force himself to stop. He'd probably go on for another fifteen minutes straight if someone didn't stop him. He doesn't withdraw yet, though he allows his grip to loosen a little, reminding himself that this isn't exactly normal for her to do. Not with him, anyway. Much as he'd love to cling and cry and be a mess over one of the precious few who actually let him, he refuses to be a bother.

He waits, instead, trying to rein in some control of his own body, to hold back the sniffs and the choked-off noises and just absorb the comfort she's offering. And when she's had enough, he'll back off.

This... was an unexpected gift. He's not about to force any more discomfort on her after... well, everything.

Breathe. Breathe. It's okay.]

[She knew that Billy was the kind of person who liked and enjoyed touch. She wasn't going to pull away.

Rogue carefully ran a gloved hand back and forth over his shoulders. She shut her eyes and just let herself be.]

[Eventually Billy recognizes that, and that and the embrace itself helps him calm down enough to start nudging his way into withdrawing. It's a little reluctance, but like before, he knows he can't just spend his whole life hugging and huddling away from the rest of the world. It doesn't fix anything.

His hand goes to his eyes, wiping at the lingering wetness and trying to appear stronger than he feels.]

S... sorry. But... thanks... for that.

[Rogue lets him go easily and with some relief. She takes a half step back and shakes her head.

She looks like she's about to say something but changes her mind.]

Walk with me.

[And she turns to walk again.]

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