selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Who's the dork now? Teddy wrinkles his nose, then wipes at the dampness on his cheek with the back of his arm, though a grin comes up to ruin the face of disgust he was trying to get going.]

Wait, so I can suck on your neck and get spit all over the place, but you can't take something like this?

[Billy sticks his tongue out, letting his hand drop to rest on Teddy's chest instead.]

Please. Sucking on my neck and blowing a raspberry are two totally different things.

Yeah, but still. Spit all over the place.

[Teddy sticks his own tongue out too, wiggling it from side to side as if to say see, there's spit here too - and in contrast, moves his hand to cover Billy's, fingers twining through the spaces between his boyfriend's.]

And you get to live with it for a long time.

Mmhm. As long as we both shall live, I hear, is the phrase.

[He can't quite keep up the teasing expression, saying the words aloud. It's a thrill, a quiet little delight that spreads through him like a shot of concentrated warmth. He's happy for the ring, happy for the promise between them that it represents, happy to have Teddy here, with him. Happy that he gets to share him and his spit and everything other part of him, body and soul, for the rest of his life.]

You forgot the "'til death do us part"... part.

[Despite that awkward little sentence-ender, Teddy ends up smiling too, and he leans his head down to press a kiss against Billy's hair while squeezing his hand, feeling the ring there between his fingers. He can still see it in his mind: Billy's face when Teddy looked up at him, when he said yes, the best word he'd ever heard in all of his life, and the huge smile on his face...

It's like the joy he felt on that day had never died down. And seeing visual proof of Billy feeling the same way, even the day before something as big as delving into magic again, makes him feel like flying again.

But no. He's cozy here, cuddled up against his fiancé as the evening sky turns into night, as stars start to wink into existence. This is where he belongs, after all.]

[Billy hums softly, expression torn between joy and unease, and closes his eyes. It's true that the vows - the ones they'll say aloud and to one another someday - are wonderful to ponder, with all the close calls they've had, it's hard to say them now without thinking too deeply about what they mean.]

I'd rather focus on our life together than how it'll end.

Mm. Yeah. Me too.

[He says it in Billy's hair; he knows how many close calls they've had, lived through them all, every moment his heart sped up way too fast, and he knows Billy had moments like that too. Best to think about the life they'll have - hopefully long, living together and watching gray hairs start to show, little wrinkles in the face that Teddy would insist are smile lines, kids... maybe. If Billy could get behind it. Lord knows Teddy wants to be a father, and -

Maybe he's focusing too much on what life together would be like. He nuzzles his nose against Billy's hair, then leans his head back down again, a gentle smile on his face as he keeps his eyes shut.

It'll be a great life, that's for sure.

...]

Our first kid will be named Speed Racer.

[Okay, so thinking too deeply about the future is out, but teasing about it is totally cool.]

[There's a moment's pause, and then Billy abruptly snorts out another laugh, turning his head and burrowing it against Teddy to muffle the sound. His shoulders shake with silent laughter at the ridiculousness of it until he finally restrains himself, lifting his head just enough to mumble a reply.]

You realize... if we did that, Tommy would just assume we named the kid after him.

[Teddy scrunches his face at that, hand moving from Billy's shoulder to thread into his hair instead. Yeah, that's true, huh...]

Yeah, then he'd be all over the kid so much that we'd never see them. Scratch that.

[He gives an exaggerated face of thought, a frown on his face and a pout on his lips as he glances upward.]

Then our first kid will be named Godzilla.

[Oh god. Leave it to Teddy to come up with something worse.]

Is that just because you're hoping they'll take after you, Mr. Jolly Green?

[...wow, they really could have a green kid if they took a biological route rather than adopting and it wound up with a lot of Teddy's traits. How cool would that be?]

I don't think "jolly" is a good word for Godzilla. [And he doesn't think they want a kid with a temper like that. With another pout and some more thought, he tilts his head to look down at Billy.]

Well, what about you? What would you name our kid?

[Billy hesitates at that; the first name that pops into his head is something he used to think about but hadn't said aloud, not only because talking about kids at their age would be weird, but... because he wasn't sure what Teddy's reaction would be. He doesn't want to make Teddy fret, but he can't lie about it, either. Teddy would know immediately.

He worries his lower lip, then glances down.]

...Sarah. If- if we had a girl.

[There's a long pause from Teddy at that, half because he didn't think Billy would take this seriously, and half because... well.

Sarah.

Sarah.

It's perfect and bittersweet at the same time. He knows that before he met Billy - and after, too, he wanted his mom to be there for all the big events in his life. Graduation from both high school and college, getting married... having kids. He'd imagined it sometimes, introducing her to a child of his and her being natural with it. She'd be a wonderful grandma. And her life was cut short before she could witness any of those things.

... What better way to honor her and have her be there for at least one of those events than to name a possible daughter after her?

With a deep breath, Teddy leans his head down to press his lips to Billy's hair again and tightens his arm around his shoulder, pulling him a little closer.]

Yeah. Yeah... Sarah. I like that a lot...

[Billy's relief is obvious immediately; the tension eases out of him, and he presses closer to Teddy as he's pulled in, eyes closing. Teddy's reaction seems genuine, rather than hiding it to avoid making Billy feel guilty... he's glad.]

's a good Jewish name, too. That'd make the grandparents happy.

[Not. That his parents were particularly fussy about Jewish names. But he was sure they'd appreciate the gesture, even if that wasn't their reason for choosing the name at all.

...God, his parents as grandparents. Rebecca Kaplan was going to have the happiest aneurysm.]

[There's a small puff of air against Billy's hair as Teddy leans back again, a smile on his face from the little snort he let out. Grandparents, wow... If they were so happy about him and Billy dating, then what about marriage and kids?

... In the future, anyway. Not right now. They'd probably receive the worst punishments ever if they came back with a ring and a little girl at their age.]

Yeah... somehow I don't think they'd approve of Godzilla for their granddaughter's name.

[Billy shares the smile at that; he can all too easily imagine his parents' reaction to such a suggestion. Yeah, it probably wouldn't go over too well.]

I think my mother would kill us in our sleep.

[He looks like he's about to say more, but a yawn catches him off-guard before he can continue.]

[Looks like conversations about kids and the future and what it might hold will have to wait. That cute yawn earns another kiss on top of his head, and then Teddy's pushing the both of them up, the movement causing Optimus to lift his head and see what's going on.]

Speaking of sleep, how about we catch a little bit of it ourselves? We've got a pretty big day tomorrow.

[Without waiting for an answer, Teddy unzips the entrance to the tent, then holds his hand out to help Billy step inside. Weakest carrying over the threshold ever.]

[Billy manages to look sheepish about cutting off the conversation, but he really is tired. The climb had taken more out of him than he'd expected, and the recognition that he'd be using magic again tomorrow... well, it was frightening still, but he couldn't keep delaying it like this. And maybe he'll feel more at peace with it in the morning.

Smiling sleepily, he accepts Teddy's hand, even if it is a weak threshold carry. They already did that after their engagement, anyway, so he's not even thinking about it.]

Can I just... not wake up, in that case?

Unless you want your name legally changed to Sleeping Beauty, then no.

[Once Billy's inside, Teddy steps in after him, stopping Optimus before he can follow after them. After a few quiet instructions to lie down, stay, guard the tent and good, good boy with a thorough ear scratching, Teddy pulls himself back inside again, zipping up the tent as he does so.]

Also? I don't want to miss out on everything my fiancé does when he's awake.

[Billy flops only the sleeping bag and blanket without fanfare or changing; truth be told he's too sore and tired to put that much effort into it. He wiggles under the covers and pulls them aside to invite Teddy in to join him, lifting a brow in his direction.]

I hope you're not disappointed when all I manage to do is blow up a couple of rocks.

[Just like old times.]

Pretty sure I'll be the exact opposite of disappointed, actually.

[Since Teddy isn't as tired as Billy, he at least makes the effort to undo his pants and leave them in the corner, leaving him in his shirt and underwear. Once that's taken care of, he takes Billy's invitation and joins him under the covers, already cuddling up to him since he's the one who'll be arranging the covers around them.]

You're going to do great. I know you will.

I wish... I could be as sure as you.

[Billy drags the blanket back over them both and curls himself around Teddy, burying his face in Teddy's hair. It's uncanny, really, how humbling it is to hear those words. To hear the one that he'd hurt the most with his magic all but admitting that he's glad of this, that he knows Billy can do great things again.

Maybe he can do this, after all.]

But I'll try. As long as you believe in me, as long as you're okay with this... I'll try.

Hmm...

[He kind of wants to leave it at that. If Teddy wasn't okay with it, they probably wouldn't be here at all, and he's pretty sure Billy already knows that.

But he knows that Billy needs to hear things like this, too, especially after just how badly his magic hurt him. And it's... not like Teddy is completely sure about it himself. But that's another reason why they need to do this; it's training for Billy as well as healing for Teddy.

So instead of just keeping silent, Teddy presses a kiss against Billy's collarbone, then buries his face against it.]

'm okay with it. Believe in you all the way, B. [...] Wake me up when you're ready to go?

[Because if he knows himself, even though they're going to sleep at the same time, Teddy's likely still going to be like a bear in hibernation by the time Billy wakes up.]

[The reassurance did help, and it makes Billy feel a little better to hear it directly, although he isn't surprised by it. He's surprised very little by Teddy these days- moreso than he was back when the whole magic mess had just happened. Every kindness, every gesture of decency, every indication that Teddy views him as anything more than a monster was a surprise in one way or another. Now, though... it's not so much that he expects it, although he certainly appreciates it, but... it's normal, now. He's glad that it's normal. It means he thinks more of himself and less of Teddy, in the way that he ought to. Less "he should hate me" and less "he deserves better" and less "he made the wrong choice". More...

This is right.

This is good.

This is meant to be.

His response is a quiet hum, a slight shift for comfort and closeness, and silence, as he lets those thoughts and the reassurance of Teddy's support - both physical and verbal - soothe him to sleep.

He wakes around dawn, hours later; with how early they'd slept, he's not surprised by this. Nor is he surprised to be so tangled up in his boyfriend's- fiance's- limbs. Gently he wriggles himself loose with practiced ease, kissing Teddy's cheek and tucking the blanket closer to hide the rising sun so it won't be a bother in an hour or so. After that he steps out of the tent and into the growing light of day.

The sun, heat, and a hyperactive golden retriever greet him. The thunderstorm of yesterday afternoon had brought about a rush of warmth even at the early hour, so after a refreshing tussle with the dog to wear out some of the pup's energy - and a good fifteen minutes worth of fetch for extra measure - Billy drags his shirt off, sets it on the grass not far from the tent, and sits down with his legs tucked under him, hands on his knees, and works his way through his morning exercises. It's different outside than it was in the apartment; the air is fresh and new, not just filtered through the window or the air ventilation. Teddy had been right to suggest this;. The altitude and the surroundings... god, he already feels a hundred times better about this than he had back in their place. It's new here, untouched, flawless. This is the perfect spot to start over.

After his workout is finished, he starts on the meditations. The regular ones at first: simple, calming thoughts, breathing exercises, and then, gentle chants to encourage himself. No magic yet, but... a tingle, maybe. A bracing for what's to come. Maybe it's another sign that it'll be okay- speaking the words doesn't make him tense up the way he did before.

I want this to work. I want this to work. I want this to be okay.

He's so lost in his preparations that he barely even registers Optimus tire of exploring and wander back to flop beside him, pressed against his leg. He does smile, though; his big fluffy anchor to the world.

I want I want I want Iwantiwantiwantiwantiwant-]

[Teddy wakes up earlier than usual, about an hour or so after Billy does. But he thinks "too early", then shuts his eyes and is soon asleep again. A little while later, he wakes once more, and this time he can't get back to sleep. He lays there for a while, wonders where Billy is for half of that before realizing that he probably hasn't come back yet (probably still too early, goddammmit), then decides he should probably actually get up.

The process takes a while, as it usually does when Teddy has to wake himself up with no pressing obligations. But after that, he unzips the tent and sticks his head out, still groggy and hair still a mess, and ends up noticing the shirt first.

Of course, his mind shoots to "shirtless Billy" with appreciation before he realizes that yeah, he's still doing his warmups. And indeed, Billy himself isn't too far away, meditating with their dog by his side and lost to the world. He won't interrupt, not while Billy's concentrating like this. Instead, he watches for a moment, letting the sleepiness ooze out of him (and still eying Billy's back, what can he say) before he ducks back inside to get ready properly.

Who knows, maybe he'll catch him hovering in place by the time Teddy's finished.]

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