selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

Not yet. If this takes longer than twelve hours on the first day, though, we might be trying a little too hard.

[He's going to try and hold on to this sense of humour as long as he can. It's calming his nerves, at least. Even a little is better than nothing.

He flips the book open to the table of contents, perusing the chapter titles, then flips to about fifteen pages in.]

"Chapter 4: Latent Powers". ...I still can't believe this kind of thing was written for regular people. Or maybe it was supposed to be for supers and just kind of caught on in the self-help circles?

Wouldn't surprise me.

[The first time Billy read this book with him, Teddy had kept a respectable distance, what with them being not-quite-boyfriends-but-certainly-attracted-to-each-other. Now that they're engaged, however, Teddy slides around until he's at Billy's side with one arm around his waist to pull him against his side.]

Maybe this Atkinson guy's actually a super hero no one knows about. Maybe... Spirituality Guy?

[Billy snorts at that, leaning back against Teddy comfortably and holding the book at an angle so they both can see it, propping it up with one hand while sliding the other down to rest against Teddy's wrist as if to welcome the embrace. It's very, very different from how it had gone the first time around, but the last thing he'd do is complain. Not with Teddy supporting him like this, not with his ring just barely visible beneath the book's spine.]

If that's his codename, no wonder he hasn't told anyone about it. He'd need his own self-help advice to deal with the public shame.

[Well. At least Billy's not the only one who notices the ring every time it's even partially in view. Teddy feels a smile come up when the golden band peeks over, and for the nth time, he thinks about how perfect it looks on his fiancé.

God. He's absolutely, completely, utterly hopeless, and he's pretty sure he wouldn't have it any other way.

He's also pretty sure that Billy's going to get tired of holding up that book with one hand after a while, so with his own free hand, Teddy holds the other side of the book, letting Billy be in charge of flipping the pages.]

I think we just discovered the book's true origin. Spirituality Guy wrote it to motivate himself, and it just caught on with everyone else.

'The secret of success' is a self-fulfilling prophecy, then.

[Billy grins, giving Teddy a bit of a nudge from below. The help with the book is appreciated, and now that he doesn't have to focus so much on balance, he starts reading a passage.]

"The majority of us have little or no conception of the reserve mental energies and forces contained within our being. We jog along at our customary gait, thinking that we are doing our best and getting all out of life that there is in it - think we are expressing ourselves to our utmost capacity. But we are living only in the first-wind mental state, and behind our working mentality are stores of wonderful mental energy and power - faculties lying dormant - power lying latent - awaiting the magic command of the Will in order to awaken into activity and outward expression."

[...God, he forgot how much this author loved his run-ons. The material itself resonates pretty well, though.]

[And Teddy forgot how boring he found this particular book. Well... "boring" is the wrong word. More like "not suited for him"; his mother bought him these books when he'd been having a tough time at high school, though he'd never tell a soul. Some worked, some didn't, and since magic and mental energies aren't his strength, this wasn't one of them.

Thankfully, it works for Billy. But it almost makes Teddy zone out just from that.]

He sure liked to ramble on, huh? [He gives Billy a Look.] No wonder it's right up your alley.

I'm sorry, is that your idea of encouraging me?

[Gosh, Teddy, such inspiring words. He gives his boyfriend a nudge and continues.]

"The trouble with us is that we do not realize the exisence of these faculties. We think that we are merely what we manifest in our ordinary dogtrot gait. Another problem is that we have not had the incentive to take action - we have lacked the interest to do great things - we haven't wanted it enough. This 'want-to-hard-enough' is the great inciting power in life. Desire is the fire which rouses up the steam of Will. Without Incentive - and that means Desire - we accomplish nothing. Given the great, earnest, burning ardent Desire as an animating force - the great incentive to take action, and we are able to get up this mental 'second wind' - tapping one plane of inward power after another, until we work mental miracles."

[....]

You know, I actually forgot just how literally I took this stuff right from the get-go. I wonder if that's part of the problem?

[Filtering all the magical jargon kind of gives Teddy that same feeling. All that does sound like what Billy would do when he'd use his magic before...]

It might be. I mean, it worked, but... [The problem was that Billy kept wanting more, pushing for more, until more became too much.] Sooo... maybe not so literally this time? Now that you know what it feels like and all...

Mm... it's just that I don't know what other method to use. Chanting has always helped me focus, and it seemed pretty effective... maybe my problem was that I got confident enough not to use it.

[...though that doesn't sound quite right, either. Confidence isn't a bad thing, not unless it develops into cockiness. And he'd hit that point, he knows- his argument with Loki before he and Teddy were kidnapped proves that, in hindsight.

So. Confidence good, ego bad. But how to figure out the balance between? He frowns tightly, mulling it over.]

[Yeah... That was a problem. Billy stopped chanting, and then he got overconfident with it. Even Teddy noticed it, and there were tense moments between he and Billy before they got kidnapped, before it exploded in their faces. Teddy purses his lips, a frown on his face as he tries to think of what to do. Chanting helped him focus, kept him grounded, and stopping led to overconfidence. Hmm...]

Maybe... Chant at least once, even if you feel like you don't need to? Like, as a reminder to yourself, you know? I mean... [He glances away, as the reminder is painful for him, too.] I think what happened is enough of one, and now you know better. [And eye contact again.] So I think - Even if the chanting once thing doesn't cut it, we should read these and try to figure things out. Or... you, anyway. You know what it's like now.

[Teddy's just the support here, though he'll gladly chime in and note whether an idea is stupid or not. He's gotten to see and feel Billy's magic firsthand, and he certainly helped him out. But just as he knows his power best, so too does Billy with his own.]

[Singular chants and greater internal focus, got it.]

Probably better that way, anyway. I mean... there were some spells that I could pull off without chanting, but most of the time I need that part of it. If I could learn to do magic without hearing the words, I'd get better at focusing and... eliminate a weakness, too.

[He doesn't have to say it- they both know. Things might have been very different if those machines of the warden's hadn't taken his hearing away. And things would have been infinitely different if he hadn't needed to hear his voice in the first place.

...Granted, he might have killed someone to get them out, but if his spells had worked it wouldn't have gone that far, either.

He shivers against Teddy before he can stop himself, his grip tightening on the book. Focus. They're trying to move beyond the past here, trying to do this better from now on. Dwelling on his failings aren't going to help anyone. He coughs, biting his lip, and continues hastily instead of waiting for a response.]

"We wonder at the achievements of the great men in all walks of life, and we are apt to excuse ourselves by the sad remark that these people seem to 'have it in them' greater than we are doing. Nonsense, we all have it in us to do things a hundred times greater than we are doing. The trouble is not in the lack of power and mental material, but in the Desire and Interest, and Incentive to arouse into activity those wonderful storehouses of dynamic power within our disposal."

[...Sort of feels like an inspirational cat poster would be less long-winded and equally effective, but the familiarity of the material is actually soothing.]

[Yeah... Billy doesn't need to tell him twice about what the weakness he's talking about is. Teddy remembers it all too well; the Cube, being unable to protect his boyfriend and the others who'd been kidnapped with them, passing out from the blinding pain in his stomach, hearing Billy scream for him...

His grip around Billy tightens a little, and he focuses on the words being said rather than the memories and feelings that came with it. Healing, they're healing, not diving back into it.

And... yeah, Teddy's kind of getting the image of the kitten hanging onto a branch with the words "Hang in there!" upon hearing all that, only with more words. He leans his cheek against Billy's hair and flicks his gaze upward in thought.]

So you need desire, interest, and incentive. In capital letters for emphasis. Do you feel like you lack any of those things?

Hah... how about all of the above?

[He smiles, a mixture of wry humour and bitterness in the expression, and tilts his head to lean into Teddy's upper arm rather than his shoulder, better to meet his eyes. Sarcasm and talk like that isn't going to help anyone, he knows. It's just been hard to feel any of those things.

After a moment passes his gaze drops again, intimidated by Teddy's support, in a way.]

Okay, okay. Um... I've got incentive, I guess. I mean, I've... gotten used to the idea that just letting my magic sit around in my own head is going to eventually do more harm than good. And I've... helped people with magic before. Interest... I was curious, I know. To see if this helped. To see if this could help us go back to how things were before. If... I could still do this.

[If you were really okay with it.

He sighs faintly, closing his eyes.]

So... desire, with a capital D. That's a tough one. I... wanted to do this, I wanted to try it out again. I missed... experiencing this stuff with you. I missed being on your team. But I'm still scared. I'm scared that- that wanting it will mess me up again, that I'll just- go bad again, that whatever twisted my magic up inside will come back. I'd rather be useless than a monster...

[That... is definitely a problem, considering that's how Billy's powers worked. He had to want it enough, believe in it so hard that it just happened. Without that desire... There's no guarantee he'll be able to use his magic properly again, even with him already hovering during meditation.

Teddy purses his lips and looks back down at the book with a little frown. How to solve this... He's pretty sure just giving Billy a list of reasons on why he should want it wouldn't work. Pushing him into too much into it is the last thing he wants to do. So...]

You think there's anything in the book that talks about lack of desire? Or any of them, really. There's gotta be something that addresses it, even if it doesn't really apply to magic.

[Billy furrows his brows and flips through the pages some more, his eyes scanning the text in the hopes that something will pop out and work out the problem for them. It's kind of a long shot, but surely there must be something.]

Funny... desire was never an issue, back when we first did this, so I don't really remember reading much about it. I wanted to be a super hero so badly... I was desperate to help people and, I dunno, be more than who I was before I got powers.

[Teddy's looking too, trying to see if there's even any words about desire in the pages being flipped. He listens to Billy too, and he understands; all of them wanted to be heroes so badly, and Teddy's never lost that desire. Billy, though...]

Are you afraid of doing those things now? Of using your powers to do it?

I want to say no.

[God, does he ever. Just sitting in the background while other people fight... it feels wrong. It is wrong, especially when his power is right there and meant to be used.]

I am, though. I keep thinking- if I was stronger, or better at other stuff, I could be like Kate. Help people without powers, and maybe just- use them in emergencies or something, you know? It's not like having powers makes me better than her. Or anyone. But I'm not... really good at anything else. I tried that already, and...

[He shrugs slightly. The swordfighting and dagger lessons with Loki, the archery attempts with Viral, the self-defense classes here and there that he'd utterly failed at. Even with someone as patient as Teddy giving him tips he was still just mediocre at best. When facing someone down for real he'd be snapped like a twig. His only real success (if one could even call it that) had been against the zombies when Teddy was hurt, mindless enemies who had no thoughts about tactics and were easy to hit.

It would be a lot more pathetic if he didn't have an infinite pool of energy within him that he's just kind of refused to tap into for all this time. Or maybe that's the most pathetic part.]

I just wish it was easier to want it more than fear it.

[He really wishes there was an easier way to help Billy. The right words to say, the very thing to make him light up and want to use his magic again, something. But Teddy really doesn't have the words to do that. This won't just be an easy fix, not for either of them.

But he can't just stay silent, either. He looks down at his feet, lost in thought for a moment, before he lifts his head a bit to speak.]

I think... you have to be afraid of your powers a little to really fight well with them. Well... maybe afraid's not the right word. Cautious? Wary? Like, my strength. I know I could hurt people really badly with it. I have. But I worked through it, and I tried to figure out a way to use it without hurting anybody. I'm always... aware of it, I guess.

And I know magic's different from physical strength. I know that. But... I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to say... [He rubs the back of his neck; he was never the one who was good with words.] I think what we need to work on is letting that fear turn into a... an awareness. An awareness, and desire again. And maybe there's a book on that somewhere?

Mm... good question. Actually-

[Billy starts flipping through the book again, his eyes scanning over the pages for buzz words: fear, caution, awareness, overcoming, or similar phrasing. What Teddy had suggested was familiar, and he's almost certain that he's read it before. Whether it's this book or a different one, however, he's less certain about.

As he searches, he thinks about what Teddy said. It's true that they've both been there, felt the fear and worry of hurting someone, and just because Billy's power was magical didn't mean he wasn't just as capable of physically hurting people, so it wasn't as different as Teddy made it sound. That understanding is comforting, in its own way.

Being aware of the power, but... not letting the fear overwhelm you? Sounds easy enough, but he knows it's far from that. His brows furrow, lowering the book after a long moment of quiet.]

How do you do it?

The turning fear into awareness thing?

[With Billy searching for something to help him with that understanding, slides his hand down from his shoulder to the small of his back instead, eyes on the pages to help him look. But maybe he can tell him something to help... If he can word it properly, that is.]

Yeah. I mean... like you said, you had to work through it yourself. You had to- you had to come to terms with hurting someone with your powers, get over that and use them to do good, instead. I did that with Kesler, too, but... I don't know. It didn't feel the same. I didn't feel all that guilty, back then. ...Does... that make me a horrible person?

[He can remember the horror of almost killing someone, sure. That part was awful. But Kesler was fine and then Iron Lad showed up and the team came together, so it had been easy to forget that he'd zapped the guy who'd made his life hell for years.

Shit, derailing. He shakes his head.]

No- sorry, forget that. But I'd... like your thoughts on it. The fear stuff.

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