selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

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[IC] Appointments Post

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Hah... how about all of the above?

[He smiles, a mixture of wry humour and bitterness in the expression, and tilts his head to lean into Teddy's upper arm rather than his shoulder, better to meet his eyes. Sarcasm and talk like that isn't going to help anyone, he knows. It's just been hard to feel any of those things.

After a moment passes his gaze drops again, intimidated by Teddy's support, in a way.]

Okay, okay. Um... I've got incentive, I guess. I mean, I've... gotten used to the idea that just letting my magic sit around in my own head is going to eventually do more harm than good. And I've... helped people with magic before. Interest... I was curious, I know. To see if this helped. To see if this could help us go back to how things were before. If... I could still do this.

[If you were really okay with it.

He sighs faintly, closing his eyes.]

So... desire, with a capital D. That's a tough one. I... wanted to do this, I wanted to try it out again. I missed... experiencing this stuff with you. I missed being on your team. But I'm still scared. I'm scared that- that wanting it will mess me up again, that I'll just- go bad again, that whatever twisted my magic up inside will come back. I'd rather be useless than a monster...

[That... is definitely a problem, considering that's how Billy's powers worked. He had to want it enough, believe in it so hard that it just happened. Without that desire... There's no guarantee he'll be able to use his magic properly again, even with him already hovering during meditation.

Teddy purses his lips and looks back down at the book with a little frown. How to solve this... He's pretty sure just giving Billy a list of reasons on why he should want it wouldn't work. Pushing him into too much into it is the last thing he wants to do. So...]

You think there's anything in the book that talks about lack of desire? Or any of them, really. There's gotta be something that addresses it, even if it doesn't really apply to magic.

[Billy furrows his brows and flips through the pages some more, his eyes scanning the text in the hopes that something will pop out and work out the problem for them. It's kind of a long shot, but surely there must be something.]

Funny... desire was never an issue, back when we first did this, so I don't really remember reading much about it. I wanted to be a super hero so badly... I was desperate to help people and, I dunno, be more than who I was before I got powers.

[Teddy's looking too, trying to see if there's even any words about desire in the pages being flipped. He listens to Billy too, and he understands; all of them wanted to be heroes so badly, and Teddy's never lost that desire. Billy, though...]

Are you afraid of doing those things now? Of using your powers to do it?

I want to say no.

[God, does he ever. Just sitting in the background while other people fight... it feels wrong. It is wrong, especially when his power is right there and meant to be used.]

I am, though. I keep thinking- if I was stronger, or better at other stuff, I could be like Kate. Help people without powers, and maybe just- use them in emergencies or something, you know? It's not like having powers makes me better than her. Or anyone. But I'm not... really good at anything else. I tried that already, and...

[He shrugs slightly. The swordfighting and dagger lessons with Loki, the archery attempts with Viral, the self-defense classes here and there that he'd utterly failed at. Even with someone as patient as Teddy giving him tips he was still just mediocre at best. When facing someone down for real he'd be snapped like a twig. His only real success (if one could even call it that) had been against the zombies when Teddy was hurt, mindless enemies who had no thoughts about tactics and were easy to hit.

It would be a lot more pathetic if he didn't have an infinite pool of energy within him that he's just kind of refused to tap into for all this time. Or maybe that's the most pathetic part.]

I just wish it was easier to want it more than fear it.

[He really wishes there was an easier way to help Billy. The right words to say, the very thing to make him light up and want to use his magic again, something. But Teddy really doesn't have the words to do that. This won't just be an easy fix, not for either of them.

But he can't just stay silent, either. He looks down at his feet, lost in thought for a moment, before he lifts his head a bit to speak.]

I think... you have to be afraid of your powers a little to really fight well with them. Well... maybe afraid's not the right word. Cautious? Wary? Like, my strength. I know I could hurt people really badly with it. I have. But I worked through it, and I tried to figure out a way to use it without hurting anybody. I'm always... aware of it, I guess.

And I know magic's different from physical strength. I know that. But... I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to say... [He rubs the back of his neck; he was never the one who was good with words.] I think what we need to work on is letting that fear turn into a... an awareness. An awareness, and desire again. And maybe there's a book on that somewhere?

Mm... good question. Actually-

[Billy starts flipping through the book again, his eyes scanning over the pages for buzz words: fear, caution, awareness, overcoming, or similar phrasing. What Teddy had suggested was familiar, and he's almost certain that he's read it before. Whether it's this book or a different one, however, he's less certain about.

As he searches, he thinks about what Teddy said. It's true that they've both been there, felt the fear and worry of hurting someone, and just because Billy's power was magical didn't mean he wasn't just as capable of physically hurting people, so it wasn't as different as Teddy made it sound. That understanding is comforting, in its own way.

Being aware of the power, but... not letting the fear overwhelm you? Sounds easy enough, but he knows it's far from that. His brows furrow, lowering the book after a long moment of quiet.]

How do you do it?

The turning fear into awareness thing?

[With Billy searching for something to help him with that understanding, slides his hand down from his shoulder to the small of his back instead, eyes on the pages to help him look. But maybe he can tell him something to help... If he can word it properly, that is.]

Yeah. I mean... like you said, you had to work through it yourself. You had to- you had to come to terms with hurting someone with your powers, get over that and use them to do good, instead. I did that with Kesler, too, but... I don't know. It didn't feel the same. I didn't feel all that guilty, back then. ...Does... that make me a horrible person?

[He can remember the horror of almost killing someone, sure. That part was awful. But Kesler was fine and then Iron Lad showed up and the team came together, so it had been easy to forget that he'd zapped the guy who'd made his life hell for years.

Shit, derailing. He shakes his head.]

No- sorry, forget that. But I'd... like your thoughts on it. The fear stuff.

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