selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[There's just the slightest hitch in Teddy's breath before he lets it out slowly, his thumbs stroking along Billy's jawline. A lot more anniversaries... Which means Billy wants to be with him just as much, and just as long, as Teddy does.

It's been a long time since that one little thought wormed its way into his head, about really sealing the deal and asking Billy if this could be forever, officially. It doesn't stick around, though; there's still some small, quiet doubts that Teddy needs to work on. Both he and Billy need to be in better places for it to work, and he himself needs to have more faith in how strong their relationship is.

Maybe, when that happens, he...]

I do, too. A fourth, a fifth... and on and on. [Twentieth, sixtieth... However long they live.] I feel like I can take on anything if you're there with me.

[Hearing that, and the way Teddy's breath catches, makes Billy close his eyes again to indulge in the sensation of Teddy's embrace, wanting this and wanting more- a future together, hundreds, thousands more memories to share, just being like this, being in love. He could count the years he'd want to spend with Teddy but then he'd never stop. He trembles a little, full of thoughts that he can't speak, that he knows they're not ready for, but loving the very idea of it.]

Yeah... I want that. I can't... imagine a life without you, you know...?

I know.

[He knows, because he can't imagine a life without Billy in it, either. And just two years ago, he never would've thought he'd find a love like this. A love where he's treasured for who he is, not who he could be. Where he doesn't have to talk as much and his presence is still just as valued. Where he doesn't have to hide, can be exactly who he is, and be completely loved.

Teddy is so incredibly lucky to find this at so young an age, and he knows it.]

I know. [He tilts his head to press a kiss to Billy's lips, slow and tender once more, and breathes against them when he pulls back.] I want to be with you for all of it...

[Then, another kiss, this one more open. Yeah, they're not ready for that particular step, but... maybe they're ready for something else.]

[Billy can't respond again with Teddy's lips on his own, but with the way Teddy's kissing him, he knows he doesn't have to. He can feel it, just as much as he's sure that Teddy can as he kisses back- they've said what they need to say, and the rest they can just feel. The words are still bouncing around in his own head, because he's always been more of a chatterbox than Teddy, but today? He's taking a page out of his boyfriend's book. He's staying quiet.

The words are just noise right now, anyway. All they need is this.]

[Teddy lets out a hum of delight in the kiss, feeling all that there is to feel, soaking it in and loving every second of it. This right here... This is all that he needs. Them loving each other, Billy loving him, the doubts far away enough in his head to not even register. And as much as Teddy would like to stay kissing the love of his life forever, there's something he wants to try. Maybe they're at least ready for this...

With a slight inhale, Teddy breaks the kiss, then reaches down to entwine his hand with Billy's as he starts to scoot along the bed, pulling his boyfriend with him. When he's at a certain place, he lays back until his head hits the pillow, and he reaches up to find Billy's other hand. With both their hands entwined, Teddy maneuvers them until they're on either side of his head, then just looks up at him, a question all across his features, his hope staying as hidden as possible in case this doesn't work out the way he feels would be ideal.

Do you want to...?]

[Billy follows him without hesitation, shifting to straddle him with the ease of experience, and it's only when he's leaning over Teddy's body that he pauses to take in Teddy's expression. He needs a moment for it to sink in that it's not reluctance, not exactly, but there's definitely a question. Does he want this? Should they not? Or...

God, no. No more stopping.

I've stopped enough for a lifetime already.]

How do you...

[He trails off, his hands squeezing gently on Teddy's for a moment, his gaze darting low, and then to Teddy's eyes, then back again, then up once more. Teddy had given him a message, here, and he can't just ignore it because he'd assumed he knew what his boyfriend wanted.]

...Like this?

[If this is what you want, I'll...]

Sort of.

[Teddy smiles, the action a bit helpless, as he slides his legs out from under Billy, lifts his legs, then wraps them around Billy's waist, pulling him a little closer like that. Maybe this might make it a little more obvious what Teddy wants. He wants Billy to take it all, to do whatever he wants with him... He wants to feel Billy in him, moving, sending them both to the stars. That's what he wants.]

Like this.

[....Oh.

Oh, god.

At first, Billy isn't sure how to feel. He'd expected a different answer entirely, so to get that is... humbling, yet scary at the same time. He's not sure what to do, so he freezes, giving himself a moment to let it sink in.

Can he do this? Is he allowed to do this? Because god, he... he wants to be with Teddy, he wants to keep moving forward to how things were, he wants to be one with him and feel him moving and- all of it, but...

...I can't want it...

...can I want it...?

He's fighting with the fear, but it's visible in his expression - not of Teddy, not of the act itself, but of the position, of taking, of wanting, when his own wants have done so much damage already. He's afraid of himself.]

...A... are you... sure...?

[If this had happened weeks ago, Teddy might have thought it was because of him. Maybe Billy didn't want to do this with him, maybe this was too much, maybe he wasn't good enough, maybe...

And while some of those feelings remain, leaving a self-conscious wad of doubt in his chest, Teddy does realize what the reality of this is. Billy's afraid of himself. He's afraid of giving in to his wants, afraid of taking when he's spent so long trying to give, because he can't hurt if he does that. And yes, while he did hurt Teddy with his power, and quite badly at that... He's taken so many steps to learn from that, to make up for what he did and let Teddy know that he's loved, and that he's so afraid of breaking their relationship apart.

It's with that in mind that Teddy lets go of his hands to sit himself up enough to straddle Billy's hips, fingers trailing down his chest.]

Billy... [And once his hands are low enough, he moves them again, this time to hold Billy's wrists and guide them to the sides of his neck. There's no tension there this time, no goosebumps, no flicker of fear in Teddy's eyes. It feels good, and Teddy strokes his thumbs across Billy's knuckles.] I trust you. I trust you with this. I trust you with me. We're partners... so we'll do this together.

[He brushes noses with Billy, a little smile on his face.] I'm sure.

[Billy stares for a prolonged moment- at Teddy, at where his hands are, at the way their bodies are pressed together. The trust, love, care, reliance that he finds... all of it are slowly weaseling their way through the shroud of doubt that's covered and overwhelmed him for a long time now, bit by bit, until he too starts to relax. His thumbs stroke gently against Teddy's skin, and then, carefully, he nudges and eases Teddy back again, sliding his hands to the blond's shoulders.]

Okay... then... I will be, too.

[He knows himself well enough to recognize that he wants this, too, even if he'll forever dance away from the word itself. He can be afraid of himself but still face that fear, still fight against it enough to share this with the one he loves. Teddy wants it. That means it can't be a bad thing.

He leans in to follow Teddy as he pushes, kissing him gently but briefly on the lips.]

Lie back. I'll get the stuff.

[With Billy nudging him back, Teddy wraps his arms around his neck and looks him in the eyes and - well, he intended for it to be heated, but it's a little hard to lie back smoothly without cheating at it. So he has to break the gaze to glance back while leaning his arm against the bed for balance, and he allows himself a helpless little chuckle.

Once he's on his back, and Billy kisses him, Teddy lets out a sigh and shuts his eyes, arms flopping back against the bed. Man, they should've brought their bags closer... but he does, at least, look content enough.]

They should be in the side pocket of my backpack. [... ... He opens his eyes again.] Unless you brought the stuff too.

[Billy blinks at that, then offers up a slightly sheepish smile, red creeping across his cheeks. He crawls off the bed and shuffles over to his bag, dragging it back to the mattress so he can remain close to Teddy while he fishes through the contents.]

You know... I actually did? Tommy nearly caught me packing them. That's a good sign, right? That we're... kind of on the same wavelength, here.

[At the very least they'd both hoped that things had progressed and recovered enough to try this again.]

I think I like this particular wavelength.

[Teddy grins himself, because this is way too funny for him. Both of them packing supplies for this - either they thought they could try this again, or they're a little desperate.

Regardless, Teddy waves his hands as if resembling jazz hands.]

Double the fun, then?

Haa... let's work our way up from one, shall we?

[He's smiling as he responds, though, optimism still overruling his jitters. He finally pulls his hand from the bag, brandishing his prize: lube, and a handful of condoms, all of which are deposited on the bedside table, save one. His goal at last achieved, Billy sets them aside on the sheets and crawls back up to lean over Teddy, one hand sliding up to toy with the neckline of his shirt.]

First step... would be getting rid of these.

[Teddy grins up at him, hands still touching the headboard above them, and he can't really help biting his lip a little with anticipation. How long has it been since he got to see Billy leaning over him like this, toying with his shirt, knowing what was (hopefully) to come? Too long, if his body is saying anything about it.]

Really? Well... I could make it easier by sliding it off myself. [He sits up, slowly easing Billy on his knees again, and stretches his arms up, giving him plenty of access to his shirt.] But I dunno... You wanna do it instead?

I do. Stop that, you're throwing off my groove.

[Billy prods Teddy back down again, brows furrowed in mild frustration. Seriously, Teddy, you wanted this, quit fussing and let him do his thing.]

[Oh, man, that gets Teddy to laugh as he flops back again, arms still above him, knees bending with excitement. Billy being assertive, bossy and sassy? God, Teddy hasn't seen that in weeks, weeks, and after spending so much time watching him being practically dead to the world - he can't help laughing. It's not quite from humor; it's from joy.]

And we can't have that happening. I don't want to be thrown out a window any time soon.

You really shouldn't. There's no window high enough here so you'd have to go right off the mountain.

[Satisfied that Teddy's finally getting it, Billy crawls forward once more to follow him, stretching out between his legs and pressing close. His hands slide over to tease at the edge of Teddy's shirt, nudging it up a few inches to expose bare skin for his fingertips to ghost over. It's slow, but he wants to take his time with this, to really focus on every part of Teddy - the body of the person he loves, as-is, unshifted and unchanged. He wants Teddy to feel as loved and appreciated as he deserves, as much as Billy can give.

That's what he really wants- more than the sex, more than anything Teddy could give him. He wants Teddy to know, really know, how he feels again.

He starts with a gentle line of kisses on Teddy's stomach and waist, feather-light, just in case that sensitivity is back again. He won't stop though - no more stopping unless Teddy tells him to or something upsets him. No more stopping. They're doing this.]

I don't really want to be a...

[Mountain goat, he was about to say. But then Billy starts to kiss his stomach, and Teddy decides to just push that line of thought away and focus on this instead. (That line of thought was stupid anywa - )

He is still sensitive there, and the way his breathing, and his stomach along with it, shudders before it relaxes to something slower gives it away. But he doesn't push Billy away, doesn't pull himself away, doesn't tell him to stop. This is more than just sex for him, too; it's equally about giving Billy the chance to want and take this as much as it is about him trusting his lover. It's about being intimate again, sharing all their wants and desires and love and trust together. It's about Teddy finishing the thought "And he'd never hurt me" without an ironic chuckle and the sensation of hands around his neck echoing behind it.

So he takes it, notices the gentleness of it and lowers one arm not to push or pull, but to stroke his fingers through Billy's hair. This is good, this is okay. No more stopping. Thank you for noticing and being so gentle.]

[With his hands and mouth pressed to Teddy's body, it would be impossible not to notice the way he trembles. Not too long ago he would have stopped immediately, apologized, backed off, tried something else. Now, though... he waits, softening his touch but staying close, until Teddy's able to relax and touch his hair, wordlessly encouraging him. Billy smiles against his skin and kisses a circle around his belly button, sliding up an inch or two more and dragging the material of the shirt along with him, exposing more skin. He lets his hands wander further up, stroking the curves and contours of the body beneath him, appreciating every feature, every muscle, all of it. He lets his hands touch where his lips can't yet, hoping to convey the message clearly enough to Teddy: I love you. I love every inch of you. I love your body just the way it is, just the way you let it be. Don't change unless you want to. Don't change what I love for what you think I'd love.

I love what I know. I know what I love.

You're perfect...]

[It's not the clearest message, the actions only having just started and all, but the way Billy touches him, kisses and caresses every inch of him like he loves it all, all of it, even the way his waist doesn't curve like all the men in advertisements do, the way his abs aren't quite as pronounced as he wants them to be, and the fact that Teddy's been abused there multiple times, once leaving a mess of scars in its wake. He remembers how those scars would make Billy tense, and yet he remembers how he'd press his lips against them as if he loves them even if they'd never heal. He remembers when they did, and how Billy cried from joy, feeling such relief for the both of them.

Teddy shudders again, a different sort this time, and slides his fingers into his boyfriend's hair while his legs brush against Billy's sides, just shy of moving up further and circling him within them.

Maybe... this is what I needed, too...]

[Billy keeps stroking and kissing, offering his attention to ever part of Teddy that he can reasonably reach without shying too far off of his path. Mouth, tongue, fingers, all of them work together to tease and caress his boyfriend's body, giving it the love and attention that it - no, that Teddy - deserves. Eventually, he pushes the shirt up enough for it to reach Teddy's armpits, and Billy lifts his head, fingers drumming tightly on Teddy's chest, looking flushed and kind of absurdly pleased- for making it this far, for not stopping, for getting Teddy to look like that.]

Okay... now you can sit up. There's parts of you I can't reach yet.

[Teddy is also flushed, eyes shut and lips parted, breathing just a little deeper than before. There's a slight arch to his back, like he'd been leaning into Billy's touches, though he relaxes once he's spoken to. He slowly lets out another breath, then opens his eyes, and - he feels himself smile, uncontrolled with dimples in his cheeks and just slightly giddy.

Is that what Billy's after? Kissing and caressing every part of him like... like that? Sure, there is some embarrassment to such attention; he doesn't feel like his looks are worth it, and it's weird having the parts of him he doesn't like be loved so much. But it makes him feel so humble, so appreciated, so loved that the embarrassment is more just a sort of flustered feeling, and he can live with that.]

So now you want my help. [He says with a breathless little laugh before he sits up, then stretches his arms upward again, giving Billy full permission to be as fast or as slow as he wants with this.]

Let's just call it cooperation.

[Billy doesn't exactly rush it, but he doesn't waste too much time on removing the shirt, either; he likes the slow reveal of Teddy's handsome, flawless skin, the way the dim light from the receding sun dances off pale muscles, the way his body flexes as he moves, the way his head disappears behind the material of the shirt only to reappear below, smiling and happy and perfect.

Struck by a sudden, playful idea, Billy stops pulling the shirt up just as Teddy's mouth and nose are revealed, drawing it back instead, keeping his eyes concealed and his hands momentarily stuck. His own hand hooks around the headboard, and he leans in close, touching his nose to Teddy's.]

I could keep you guessing...

[And Teddy just had to wear long sleeves today, so his hands just had to surely be stuck. He raises his eyebrows, though Billy can't see it, but he will be able to see his lips part in surprise before they grin again, humored and excited and just plain enjoying all of this. He's pretty damn turned on, too, considering how much he loves it when Billy takes charge and becomes aggressive with him...

His eyes may be shut, and he may be unable to see anything, but with Billy's nose touching his, it's easy to just tip forward enough to touch foreheads with him instead.]

Well. I'm gonna guess that you're going to keep me like this for a little while.

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