selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

I'm not used to fighting up close. I was the spellcaster, the one in the background casting support enchants and stat boosts and forcefields and-

[He offers a bit of a helpless wave.]

I am so not suited for physical combat. And Tommy's the speedster, not me.

Rapier or short sword, I could teach as well, but am not nearly such an expert.

[He shrugs.]

If you wish to stick with a staff or spear, I'm decent enough with those.

But you must learn something.

[Billy frowns, fidgets, and prods a pawn into position. His moves are getting clumsy because he's nervous and distracted, now.]

...I guess... I'm just worried about screwing up again. Weapons might not be as powerful as spells, but they can hurt people, too. And what if being in a fight makes me lose control?

[Loki raises an eyebrow. Come on, Billy.]

If you are worried about your control, then you ought to continue practicing upon it.

Or else never leave your house. Only here, that doesn't work all that well considering they might send droids to fetch you, yes? The very act of living is a test of control if you aren't a mindless automaton.

[.....

Don't pretend that it isn't likely he's thought of that already, because he totally has. But Loki does have a point. Several of them, even.

Billy sighs, burying his face against his hands. God, can nothing in life be simple again?]

...I'll... try the daggers. At least with them I'm less likely to accidentally cut my own head off...

[Loki looks amused.]

You don't get sharp ones until you've proven you aren't going to hurt yourself.

...There's such a thing as training daggers?

[It's like a whole new world has opened up before him.]

If there weren't training weapons, there would be far fewer idiotic warriors in the world.

Well. I mean, I can see the logic in it, I just didn't... yeah.

[He makes sort of a boxing motion with his hands, implying the size of something- in other words, "BUT DAGGERS ARE SO SMALL".]

So when should we start?

[Loki rolls his eyes. Really, Billy, is this going to be a size thing?]

We could start now if you wanted. Though I'll want to see you more than once a week.

[Hah... he's probably better off playing chess.]

...I can do that. It's not I'll be training with the X-Men anymore.

[Not just because of his powers, either.]

Oh? Why not?

Let us keep this evening as a time to relax, then. I think two or three times a week at the battle dome should be sufficient to begin with.

[Billy just nods; he's okay with putting things off for a while.]

I wouldn't be much good in the Danger Room without powers. They'd spend the entire time protecting me. Not to mention... I don't know how comfortable they'd be around me.

[He still hasn't sorted things out with Rogue yet. He honestly doesn't know how.]

I wouldn't know, since nearly none of then are at all comfortable around me. What does my lady think?

[Of course, he also likes making people uncomfortable...]

We shall start tomorrow then. You choose the time.

Well... I'm not going to school yet. Might as well do it in the morning.

[At least until he's brave enough to go back. As for Rogue, though...]

Rogue told me... she might be able to forgive me when I can tell her who to blame. I don't know how to answer her yet, so... I don't know how to face her, either.

All right. In the morning it is. [Hm, he should check the armory; maybe some of his old practice blades have shown up.]

My lady is very wise. [That just makes him smile.] Is it truly that difficult of a question?

[That question gives Billy pause, and he fiddles with one of the stolen chess pieces, listlessly spinning it between his fingers. He's totally losing- even if it might not be immediately obvious, he can recognize the signs.]

I know it... shouldn't be. You've already told me there was something in my head. And I felt it, too. But I also feel like it would be wrong to say it wasn't my fault. So how can I just shrug off the blame?

Knowing something to be true and feeling it to be true are two very different matters.

[He knows this from experience, from several terrible conversations with Rogue. And this is part of why he prefers lies. Well, that and lying is just more fun.]

You wish others to punish you for something you feel is your fault, for the sake of your guilt. [He's had this conversation with Rogue too, but going in a different direction. He doesn't really have problems with guilt.] Is that at all fair to them?

[He almost asks why it's easier for Billy to blame himself than those actually responsible, but he knows why. It's the same sort of reason he still hates himself for never being good enough for Odin, even if now he at least hates Odin as well, for expecting him to be something he could never be. Admitting that you cannot change something, that you have so little control, that there is nothing you can do to make something right, is terrifying.]

[Honestly? He hadn't thought of it that way.]

...No... I guess it isn't. I just assumed that they'd... choose it for themselves.

[If that's really all he's doing - shoving the responsibility of his punishment on other people - then he'll have to rethink things. But the most obvious methods of self-flagellation (so to speak) would hurt the people who inexplicably care about him.

Living with the guilt isn't great, either.]

[He raises one hand, palm up, fingers open.]

Do you think that everyone who has chosen to forgive you is wrong? Am I?

[He smiles crookedly.]

Did you hope they would furnish you with a lesser punishment than being forced to live with yourself?

Edited 2013-12-08 04:14 (UTC)

[That's a much harder question to face, so at first he just shakes his head. It isn't wrong. It's never wrong to forgive, he believes that wholeheartedly. It's just really difficult to fathom being able to, if their roles were reversed. That's how bad he thinks this all was.]

Maybe I did. There were times... when I thought it would be better for everyone if I died. Even knowing that it would just be for a couple of days, even then... I couldn't help it. I thought if I wasn't around, you'd all be better off.

[Sitting alone in the corner of his room, listening to Teddy's muffled sobs in the bathroom, his own magic building around him to give him what he desired most in that moment-

IwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodie

That was a very dark day. And not the only one, besides- just the worst of many.]

Maybe I thought someone else would... do what I couldn't.

[It's not like it was a conscious choice, but looking back, it's probably what he'd expected. And maybe Teddy had known it too, for him to insist on accompanying Billy. Maybe what he really needed protection from was his own stupid self.]

[Loki settles back in his chair, very still for a moment. He stares at a point somewhere over Billy's head as he listens. It feels like the words build in his throat, fit to gag him. Why is this important? Why share it?

Because it means not being alone, in a way. Maybe he doesn't always have to be alone, in everything. And perhaps Billy doesn't either.]

I once offered Rogue my blood to pay for...something I had done. Blood for blood, you know. It is ancient. Elemental.

[He manages a small, strange smile.]

As you can imagine, she wasn't terribly pleased with the offer. [She'd been so hasty at taking the knife from him that he'd cut his own skin.]

But there was a part of me in that moment, that thought how nice it would have been, to just not have to be for a few days.

[...Ah.

As terrible as all of that sounds, there's something incredibly freeing about knowing that he's not alone in the experience. And at the same time, he can't imagine anything worse.]

It's... scary, isn't it? The moment after... the sensation of... still being alive. I never thought something as small as not dying could be so... intense.

[When the spell hadn't worked, when he stopped thinking and started breathing, when he'd realized that he hadn't stopped?

There's nothing like that experience in the entire world. Like he'd pulled the trigger and missed- all of reality moved around him until he felt himself centered, grounded again.

Amazing. So amazing. And it's not like it fixed anything, but...

The will to live is an incredible thing, that's all.]

[That hadn't been his experience at all. All he'd felt was despair, more despair, exhaustion, pain.

And gazing up into the event horizon-- No, that hadn't been suicide, though. Thor had thrown him.

Also, he decides, wasn't really what Billy needed to hear from him at that moment. And really, that had been the point of the story, hadn't it?

He nods.]

I wouldn't recommend making a habit of chasing death, however.

No... I learned that lesson. If I hadn't then, I definitely would have from Teddy.

[He ducks his head, practically shrinking into his chair. He'd melt right into the floor if he could.]

I'll never forget his face when I told him. I'm all he has, you know? And... even if I think I'm not much, I want to be there for him. He deserves so much more.

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