selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

Well... I'm not going to school yet. Might as well do it in the morning.

[At least until he's brave enough to go back. As for Rogue, though...]

Rogue told me... she might be able to forgive me when I can tell her who to blame. I don't know how to answer her yet, so... I don't know how to face her, either.

All right. In the morning it is. [Hm, he should check the armory; maybe some of his old practice blades have shown up.]

My lady is very wise. [That just makes him smile.] Is it truly that difficult of a question?

[That question gives Billy pause, and he fiddles with one of the stolen chess pieces, listlessly spinning it between his fingers. He's totally losing- even if it might not be immediately obvious, he can recognize the signs.]

I know it... shouldn't be. You've already told me there was something in my head. And I felt it, too. But I also feel like it would be wrong to say it wasn't my fault. So how can I just shrug off the blame?

Knowing something to be true and feeling it to be true are two very different matters.

[He knows this from experience, from several terrible conversations with Rogue. And this is part of why he prefers lies. Well, that and lying is just more fun.]

You wish others to punish you for something you feel is your fault, for the sake of your guilt. [He's had this conversation with Rogue too, but going in a different direction. He doesn't really have problems with guilt.] Is that at all fair to them?

[He almost asks why it's easier for Billy to blame himself than those actually responsible, but he knows why. It's the same sort of reason he still hates himself for never being good enough for Odin, even if now he at least hates Odin as well, for expecting him to be something he could never be. Admitting that you cannot change something, that you have so little control, that there is nothing you can do to make something right, is terrifying.]

[Honestly? He hadn't thought of it that way.]

...No... I guess it isn't. I just assumed that they'd... choose it for themselves.

[If that's really all he's doing - shoving the responsibility of his punishment on other people - then he'll have to rethink things. But the most obvious methods of self-flagellation (so to speak) would hurt the people who inexplicably care about him.

Living with the guilt isn't great, either.]

[He raises one hand, palm up, fingers open.]

Do you think that everyone who has chosen to forgive you is wrong? Am I?

[He smiles crookedly.]

Did you hope they would furnish you with a lesser punishment than being forced to live with yourself?

Edited 2013-12-08 04:14 (UTC)

[That's a much harder question to face, so at first he just shakes his head. It isn't wrong. It's never wrong to forgive, he believes that wholeheartedly. It's just really difficult to fathom being able to, if their roles were reversed. That's how bad he thinks this all was.]

Maybe I did. There were times... when I thought it would be better for everyone if I died. Even knowing that it would just be for a couple of days, even then... I couldn't help it. I thought if I wasn't around, you'd all be better off.

[Sitting alone in the corner of his room, listening to Teddy's muffled sobs in the bathroom, his own magic building around him to give him what he desired most in that moment-

IwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodie

That was a very dark day. And not the only one, besides- just the worst of many.]

Maybe I thought someone else would... do what I couldn't.

[It's not like it was a conscious choice, but looking back, it's probably what he'd expected. And maybe Teddy had known it too, for him to insist on accompanying Billy. Maybe what he really needed protection from was his own stupid self.]

[Loki settles back in his chair, very still for a moment. He stares at a point somewhere over Billy's head as he listens. It feels like the words build in his throat, fit to gag him. Why is this important? Why share it?

Because it means not being alone, in a way. Maybe he doesn't always have to be alone, in everything. And perhaps Billy doesn't either.]

I once offered Rogue my blood to pay for...something I had done. Blood for blood, you know. It is ancient. Elemental.

[He manages a small, strange smile.]

As you can imagine, she wasn't terribly pleased with the offer. [She'd been so hasty at taking the knife from him that he'd cut his own skin.]

But there was a part of me in that moment, that thought how nice it would have been, to just not have to be for a few days.

[...Ah.

As terrible as all of that sounds, there's something incredibly freeing about knowing that he's not alone in the experience. And at the same time, he can't imagine anything worse.]

It's... scary, isn't it? The moment after... the sensation of... still being alive. I never thought something as small as not dying could be so... intense.

[When the spell hadn't worked, when he stopped thinking and started breathing, when he'd realized that he hadn't stopped?

There's nothing like that experience in the entire world. Like he'd pulled the trigger and missed- all of reality moved around him until he felt himself centered, grounded again.

Amazing. So amazing. And it's not like it fixed anything, but...

The will to live is an incredible thing, that's all.]

[That hadn't been his experience at all. All he'd felt was despair, more despair, exhaustion, pain.

And gazing up into the event horizon-- No, that hadn't been suicide, though. Thor had thrown him.

Also, he decides, wasn't really what Billy needed to hear from him at that moment. And really, that had been the point of the story, hadn't it?

He nods.]

I wouldn't recommend making a habit of chasing death, however.

No... I learned that lesson. If I hadn't then, I definitely would have from Teddy.

[He ducks his head, practically shrinking into his chair. He'd melt right into the floor if he could.]

I'll never forget his face when I told him. I'm all he has, you know? And... even if I think I'm not much, I want to be there for him. He deserves so much more.

[This, too, feels horribly familiar. Loki nods.]

I understand that well.

So it seems that you will have to live with yourself. And with the...unforgiving forgiveness of others. Which I suppose brings us back to the original question. We know who you feel is responsible, but that isn't something to necessarily be trusted. What do you know?

[That... he needs a minute to think about that, actually. Because he knows some things, sure, and there's a lot he doesn't know, at the same time. The uncertainty is the worst part of all of this, aside from the fact that it happened at all.

What does he know, though. What does he know?]

...I know... I'd never have done what I did without... something else being a part of it. I mean, that's what I have to believe, if... I'm ever going to be able to get past this. It's either that, or start calling myself a monster... because only a monster would do that to the people he loves...

You never could have, without an outside source of power. Not as you are now. That is a fact upon which you can build.

[He smiles slightly.]

I think my lady might say here that a monster is a thing that cannot love. But she and I have our differences as to the definition of that word.

Maybe that's part of the problem, too.

[He's still learning so much about the world - the universe, even - and how little of it is actually black and white.]

Maybe I don't know what a monster is, but I'm still afraid of becoming one.

[Loki smiles sharply.]

Depending upon where the line is drawn, I am a monster.

Do you think a monster would fear being what he is?

[He's not sure he likes where this conversation is going.]

I think a monster wouldn't fear anything, because they'd already lost whatever made them... better.

[Not good, not evil. Not even some neutral, indescribable or undefined category in between. Just... better.]

Then you have answered your own concern, yes?

[Loki was afraid, once, of being a monster. Afraid the first time he saw his skin turn blue. He's accepted that is what he is, now. The doubt now his has been given to him by Rogue, by her insistence that he isn't a monster, that he can love and should. The doubt that made him afraid how she might look at him, when he hadn't cared how anyone else did since being flung from the Bifrost.]

...I guess I do.

[Now it's just a matter of... letting it sink in, and actually believing it. That's a little more difficult.]

[Loki nudges a chess piece with one finger.]

Let me know if you manage to believe it. I haven't really mattered that art myself, if I'm to be honest.

It requires time.

[Billy glances at the piece, his gaze wandering back over the board. God, he can't even remember what he was trying to do with it anymore, besides resist the inevitable defeat.]

Time... one of the many things that aren't really guaranteed here.

[He could be gone tomorrow, or five minutes from now. So could the people whose opinions worry him.

It totally sucks.]

Oh, you've nothing but time, until you don't. At which point you shan't remember so it doesn't matter anyway, does it?

...That's just more depressing, you know.

[Then again, with a subject like this, what did he expect?]

You should have requested the God of Wiggly Puppies. But you're stuck with me now.

It's less the company I don't like as the reality around me.

[It's half a joke, but after a moment his smile fades.]

But then, that's kind of the root of all my problems, now.

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