selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[Loki settles back in his chair, very still for a moment. He stares at a point somewhere over Billy's head as he listens. It feels like the words build in his throat, fit to gag him. Why is this important? Why share it?

Because it means not being alone, in a way. Maybe he doesn't always have to be alone, in everything. And perhaps Billy doesn't either.]

I once offered Rogue my blood to pay for...something I had done. Blood for blood, you know. It is ancient. Elemental.

[He manages a small, strange smile.]

As you can imagine, she wasn't terribly pleased with the offer. [She'd been so hasty at taking the knife from him that he'd cut his own skin.]

But there was a part of me in that moment, that thought how nice it would have been, to just not have to be for a few days.

[...Ah.

As terrible as all of that sounds, there's something incredibly freeing about knowing that he's not alone in the experience. And at the same time, he can't imagine anything worse.]

It's... scary, isn't it? The moment after... the sensation of... still being alive. I never thought something as small as not dying could be so... intense.

[When the spell hadn't worked, when he stopped thinking and started breathing, when he'd realized that he hadn't stopped?

There's nothing like that experience in the entire world. Like he'd pulled the trigger and missed- all of reality moved around him until he felt himself centered, grounded again.

Amazing. So amazing. And it's not like it fixed anything, but...

The will to live is an incredible thing, that's all.]

[That hadn't been his experience at all. All he'd felt was despair, more despair, exhaustion, pain.

And gazing up into the event horizon-- No, that hadn't been suicide, though. Thor had thrown him.

Also, he decides, wasn't really what Billy needed to hear from him at that moment. And really, that had been the point of the story, hadn't it?

He nods.]

I wouldn't recommend making a habit of chasing death, however.

No... I learned that lesson. If I hadn't then, I definitely would have from Teddy.

[He ducks his head, practically shrinking into his chair. He'd melt right into the floor if he could.]

I'll never forget his face when I told him. I'm all he has, you know? And... even if I think I'm not much, I want to be there for him. He deserves so much more.

[This, too, feels horribly familiar. Loki nods.]

I understand that well.

So it seems that you will have to live with yourself. And with the...unforgiving forgiveness of others. Which I suppose brings us back to the original question. We know who you feel is responsible, but that isn't something to necessarily be trusted. What do you know?

[That... he needs a minute to think about that, actually. Because he knows some things, sure, and there's a lot he doesn't know, at the same time. The uncertainty is the worst part of all of this, aside from the fact that it happened at all.

What does he know, though. What does he know?]

...I know... I'd never have done what I did without... something else being a part of it. I mean, that's what I have to believe, if... I'm ever going to be able to get past this. It's either that, or start calling myself a monster... because only a monster would do that to the people he loves...

You never could have, without an outside source of power. Not as you are now. That is a fact upon which you can build.

[He smiles slightly.]

I think my lady might say here that a monster is a thing that cannot love. But she and I have our differences as to the definition of that word.

Maybe that's part of the problem, too.

[He's still learning so much about the world - the universe, even - and how little of it is actually black and white.]

Maybe I don't know what a monster is, but I'm still afraid of becoming one.

[Loki smiles sharply.]

Depending upon where the line is drawn, I am a monster.

Do you think a monster would fear being what he is?

[He's not sure he likes where this conversation is going.]

I think a monster wouldn't fear anything, because they'd already lost whatever made them... better.

[Not good, not evil. Not even some neutral, indescribable or undefined category in between. Just... better.]

Then you have answered your own concern, yes?

[Loki was afraid, once, of being a monster. Afraid the first time he saw his skin turn blue. He's accepted that is what he is, now. The doubt now his has been given to him by Rogue, by her insistence that he isn't a monster, that he can love and should. The doubt that made him afraid how she might look at him, when he hadn't cared how anyone else did since being flung from the Bifrost.]

...I guess I do.

[Now it's just a matter of... letting it sink in, and actually believing it. That's a little more difficult.]

[Loki nudges a chess piece with one finger.]

Let me know if you manage to believe it. I haven't really mattered that art myself, if I'm to be honest.

It requires time.

[Billy glances at the piece, his gaze wandering back over the board. God, he can't even remember what he was trying to do with it anymore, besides resist the inevitable defeat.]

Time... one of the many things that aren't really guaranteed here.

[He could be gone tomorrow, or five minutes from now. So could the people whose opinions worry him.

It totally sucks.]

Oh, you've nothing but time, until you don't. At which point you shan't remember so it doesn't matter anyway, does it?

...That's just more depressing, you know.

[Then again, with a subject like this, what did he expect?]

You should have requested the God of Wiggly Puppies. But you're stuck with me now.

It's less the company I don't like as the reality around me.

[It's half a joke, but after a moment his smile fades.]

But then, that's kind of the root of all my problems, now.

I'm afraid I haven't a solution for that. Or I would be in a very different situation myself.

...Would you do it? If you had that power? Change the world, change reality, or at least your own part of it?

[Easy question.] Yes.

[That answer isn't entirely unexpected, but the speed of it is.]

Even now? Even knowing how things turned out?

Happy as I may be now, there are things I have experienced and...mistakes I made that I know I would be happier without.

I also can't say I am all that enamored with the well-known fate of Loki to be ever alone and reviled.

...Changing the past... it's not a good idea.

[Even when aspects of your life sucks. Even if there are a lot of memories you'd happily live without.]

If our lives had been different, if we could just pick and choose what it could be, then... we wouldn't be who we are today. I can't think of anything worse.

[Loki grins without humor.]

Oh, I think there are quite a few who could get behind the idea of me being someone different, yes?

[But for his part, he could do without the events that have caused him to have his attacks, if nothing else. But Billy doesn't know about those and doesn't need to.]

Edited 2013-12-19 13:14 (UTC)

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