selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

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[IC] Appointments Post

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[He's not sure he likes where this conversation is going.]

I think a monster wouldn't fear anything, because they'd already lost whatever made them... better.

[Not good, not evil. Not even some neutral, indescribable or undefined category in between. Just... better.]

Then you have answered your own concern, yes?

[Loki was afraid, once, of being a monster. Afraid the first time he saw his skin turn blue. He's accepted that is what he is, now. The doubt now his has been given to him by Rogue, by her insistence that he isn't a monster, that he can love and should. The doubt that made him afraid how she might look at him, when he hadn't cared how anyone else did since being flung from the Bifrost.]

...I guess I do.

[Now it's just a matter of... letting it sink in, and actually believing it. That's a little more difficult.]

[Loki nudges a chess piece with one finger.]

Let me know if you manage to believe it. I haven't really mattered that art myself, if I'm to be honest.

It requires time.

[Billy glances at the piece, his gaze wandering back over the board. God, he can't even remember what he was trying to do with it anymore, besides resist the inevitable defeat.]

Time... one of the many things that aren't really guaranteed here.

[He could be gone tomorrow, or five minutes from now. So could the people whose opinions worry him.

It totally sucks.]

Oh, you've nothing but time, until you don't. At which point you shan't remember so it doesn't matter anyway, does it?

...That's just more depressing, you know.

[Then again, with a subject like this, what did he expect?]

You should have requested the God of Wiggly Puppies. But you're stuck with me now.

It's less the company I don't like as the reality around me.

[It's half a joke, but after a moment his smile fades.]

But then, that's kind of the root of all my problems, now.

I'm afraid I haven't a solution for that. Or I would be in a very different situation myself.

...Would you do it? If you had that power? Change the world, change reality, or at least your own part of it?

[Easy question.] Yes.

[That answer isn't entirely unexpected, but the speed of it is.]

Even now? Even knowing how things turned out?

Happy as I may be now, there are things I have experienced and...mistakes I made that I know I would be happier without.

I also can't say I am all that enamored with the well-known fate of Loki to be ever alone and reviled.

...Changing the past... it's not a good idea.

[Even when aspects of your life sucks. Even if there are a lot of memories you'd happily live without.]

If our lives had been different, if we could just pick and choose what it could be, then... we wouldn't be who we are today. I can't think of anything worse.

[Loki grins without humor.]

Oh, I think there are quite a few who could get behind the idea of me being someone different, yes?

[But for his part, he could do without the events that have caused him to have his attacks, if nothing else. But Billy doesn't know about those and doesn't need to.]

Edited 2013-12-19 13:14 (UTC)

...Probably, yeah. But are they the kind of people you'd want to change for?

[He can understand the desire to change. But... change can't come from magic, or it doesn't mean anything. It's just cheating reality. That's all magic ever is.]

[He raises his eyebrows.]

If that person is Rogue, or myself, or you...?

God. If I ever ask you to change who you are for me, please punch me in the face.

[That doesn't sound like anything he'd do, but still. It's humbling to hear that he's one of the few to carry that much influence, but he doesn't have to like it.]

There's a big difference between changing behaviour, and changing personality. One's good. The other is yours, and yours alone.

Ah, but personality causes behavior, does it not? [He shrugs.] Ever have I been the trouble maker.

Troublemaking isn't so bad. People can generally handle that well enough. It's the whole genocide thing that folks take issue with.

[Loki laughs.] I learned from the best. And here I thought it was all right, so long as it was all bad people.

[The blood on his hands is nothing compared to that on Odin's, after all.]

That really depends on who you talk to, I guess.

[He doesn't expect to ever agree on this one, either, though.]

That would certainly be the crux of it. And when. And if they're feeling particularly hypocritical that day. [He shrugs. He really doesn't care, at this point.]

But I'd daresay most don't even handle a bit of trouble all that well.

...True enough. The heroic types can be kind of stick-in-the-mud-ish... I know I'm guilty of it myself sometimes. I hate pranks.

[Too many locker room encounters in his childhood that were just hilarious to everyone but himself. That was before things devolved into punching sessions, though, and even he's not sure what he prefers.]

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