selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[The laughter that he hears is so startling that Teddy lets go of Billy's hands, and he's just about to ask what's going on when Billy says that.

He knows the quote - He knows the quote, but the fact that he used that, the way he's saying it and how he looks and what he's looking at, and -

Teddy can feel a white hot fear spread through his body like a whip crack, starting from the hole in his heart his mother left behind and shooting to his fingers and toes and back again, and before he even knows it, he's got his hands tight on Billy's shoulders, and for a moment he doesn't even realize that he's holding Billy's injury. All he can think is no, no, please, god, no -]

Billy!

[Mom!

His eyes are burning and his vision is blurring, but that doesn't matter, that doesn't matter, this here is all that matters.]

[Billy cries out quietly when Teddy grabs him, sudden pain lancing up and down his arm- since he'd been unconscious already they hadn't drugged him, but he hadn't even noticed that it hurt until that moment. In a sense, though, it's good; the sensation snaps him out of his daze, and he finally looks up at Teddy again, taking in the expression on his face. Oh.

Oh.]

[It's only when Billy looks at him that Teddy realizes the way he's holding him. As if Billy's shoulder caught fire, Teddy jerks his hand away, all sorts of things going through his head. You did it again, you used too much strength again, look at you, you're not good enough and you can't even hold yourself back properly, you're so stupid, how could you do that, he's your boyfriend, you're terrible -

But that soon fades into another mantra in his head, Billy saying that line over and over, the laughter before it, the expression on his face and his eyes - And Teddy closes his hand into a fist and ducks his head, taking in a quick and shuddering breath.]

Don't. Don't say that, please, don't... don't do this.

[Don't let someone take you away from me. Don't let yourself fade.

Don't go where I can't go.]

I can't... please, Billy...

[For a long moment, Billy does nothing, merely watches Teddy as he speaks, allowing the reaction to sink into the fog of his mind. He should have seen that coming, should have known Teddy wouldn't take it well. He should have waited. It's not like he needs anyone's help to do this- when his magic's cooperating again, it would be so easy to just...

iwanttodieiwanttodieiwanttodie

The thought frightens him, though; a fear of being gone, a fear of what he'd come back without (because that happens here, he has to remind himself, death is pointless and what if he lost something important as a result?), a fear of doing it and having Teddy walk in after and-

He doesn't want to imagine Teddy with that expression on his face again. Startled, frightened, heartbroken. It would be so much worse and he wouldn't even be there to make it go away.

You're so stupid. Why would you ever think that would be okay? Haven't you done enough to him?

Isn't he worth living for?

It's hard to reconcile the desire to free Teddy from the terrible burden of his presence with the knowledge that he's all Teddy has left, so finally he just... doesn't. He tentatively reaches out his good arm to weave his fingers through Teddy's hair, stroking gently, hoping to soothe him from his fears. He won't say that again. He won't go.

Maybe if Teddy wants him to be okay, to live, badly enough, he can start wanting it, too.]

Sorry... that wasn't funny.

[It doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel okay because he knows how Billy would react to this. He'd be stricken, cursing his foot-in-mouth syndrome and holding Teddy close and apologizing over and over and saying he'd never do it again.

This isn't even close, and, and, God, Teddy feels like he's losing him, like he's reaching out and can't get a grip, and Billy isn't reaching back, and why would he he doesn't love you anymore not like how he used to you're not worth staying for -

His own identity is unraveling, he's losing the person he loves the most - what else will he lose? How much more will he lose before it's enough? He doesn't have anything left to lose.

His breathing becomes more choked instead of settling down, and his body trembles, and he feels the heat behind his eyes give way to wet tracks down his face. He doesn't care if Billy sees, if the whole world saw him. The man Teddy knew and fell for is so far right now that reaching for him feels like holding his arm out across a river and calling for Billy to face him, and he isn't. It hurts so much to know that Billy's in a spot where he can't go, that he might walk away and be impossible to reach.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts oh god]

Teddy?

[Billy's voice is soft, hesitant, and he ducks his head to get a look at his face. That reaction is... not what he expected, though he doesn't know what he did expect if not this. Teddy's crying. He made Teddy cry. How often does that happen?

Teddy never cries.]

Teddy- Teddy, no-

[He shifts his hand to wind around to the back of Teddy's neck, pulling him into a one-armed hug, the best he can offer with the other arm still injured. He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't wanted it at all.]

Teddy, I'm sorry... don't cry, I'm really sorry... please...

[God, he's such a fool. All the power in the world and he can't keep his stupid mouth shut. He's still hurting Teddy even when he's trying his hardest not to.]

I won't... I won't do anything, I won't say anything, just please don't cry...

[It takes Wanda longer than she would like to admit to make it back to Billy's room, after her run in with Rogue. She's tried to be there for a few hours every day since that first visit, but after talking with Rogue, well.

She had not felt like she deserved to see anyone.

That didn't keep her away for long, though. In short order, she's slinking back in, nervously looking around. Worried that Rogue will be he here, or worse, have already been here, to exact an eye-for-an-eye type revenge.

It upsets her that she hasn't been able to catch up with Tommy.

She is surprised to find Billy awake and alone, and she pauses, looking around, uncertain if she should continue her approach or not. She likely just caught him while Teddy's in the washroom or something, but what if he wants to be alone? ]

... ... Billy?

[Billy glances away uncomfortably, looking listless, unsure. He's spent all day blaming himself, even with Teddy's encouragement, and just brushing it off as an accident just seems wrong.]

I think... I understand. Why Wanda disappeared after M-Day.

[The prospect of facing the results of this "accident" is terrifying. He already kind of wishes he'd just stayed asleep.]

[He considers that, then shrugs it off.]

What I wanted didn't matter. The spell wouldn't have worked if I hadn't known what was happening. As soon as I slept...

[Everyone could live their perfect dreams as long as he stayed awake. That was the rule.]

...Mom?

[But- no. No. Her voice is a little different, her hair is shorter, and when he looks at her, he can tell that she's younger. His expression, hopeful, eager, and frightened at first shifts to appear apologetic instead, rubbing absently at his forehead.]

No, I- I'm sorry. Wanda. You're Wanda. It's hard to- I'm still sorting it out- I didn't mean to say that.

... It's ok. [It's not ok. It's like a bucket of cold water, or a knife to the heart. It shocks her, and makes her want to rush to him and wrap him in hugs and protect him.

But. It wasn't real. Not any more.] ... I'm still trying to-- sort it out, myself.

...

How... are you doing? [She moves across the room, looking to occupy a chair near his bed. She is purposefully slow in her actions, as if to defy her desires.]

[He tenses a little as she approaches - he's been waiting for someone to jump him outright for what he's done, yell at him or attack him or worse - but he doesn't move, half because she doesn't seem very threatening yet, and half because he knows he deserves whatever he gets. He can't help but feel safer with her than most, though. She's not his Wanda, and she's more friend than mother to him even now (assuming they're still friends, god he wants to believe that, but he's not sure of anything anymore), but her presence still reassures her, the way Teddy's does, the way Tommy's would, if he'd visited. Alternate reality or not, she feels like family.

His fingers tighten in the blanket draped over his legs, the hand of his injured arm twitching slightly in its sling. He tries to smile, but it doesn't look particularly honest.]

I don't... know how to answer that. I'm not- I'm not here, you know? I mean, I am, my body's-

[He pauses, frustrated. Rambling and disjointed responses never help anyone, but his mind can't really offer much else these days.]

Everything's... kind of mixed up. But I'm better than before. I think. [Another pause, and then he nods.] Yeah. I think.

[He makes more sense than he might think. Wanda is at least vaguely familiar with the confusion and discomfort that comes from reality not being at all permanent around you. She settles into the chair, eyes locked on him in that rather creepy unblinking way she has.]

Yeah. ... You're awake. And-- alive. So. ... That's better. Yeah.

[Her scrutiny is unsettling enough to make him fidget and look away, eerie blue eyes fixated on his lap.]

Is it?

[Better to be alive? Such a problematic mess for everyone?

Teddy would get mad if he heard you talking about that again.

Teddy's not here right now.]

So that's why you didn't sleep.

[She didn't get to see everything fall apart, not the way the others did, the ones who had and then suddenly did not. It must have gone quickly, once Billy was unconscious.]

Did you know that you could do this?

Yes. It is. [Her answer comes immediately and without hesitation, unlike her typical speech. There is no need to think about that answer. ]

I don't... I would be very upset if you were dead. ... So would Teddy. So would Tommy. ... So would Kate. ... I think a lot of people would be very upset if you died.

[Billy shakes his head immediately, though he does pause to think about it afterwards.]

...No. I mean- I still don't. I've never had this much power before. I could change things, yeah, but...

[He doesn't know how to describe it. Like one day he'd had a glass of water and suddenly he was in a lake. The magic affected everyone because there was too much of it and he was drowning in it.]

...it doesn't feel right.

Still? [What would it mean, for him and for those around him, if he still had that much power? All she has to do to see it is look him in the eye.]

I suppose it was something that happened while you were gone.

[Well.

He can add her name to the list, at least. People who don't want him dead for this. It's almost enough to make him smile.]

Maybe I should run a poll. See if the numbers balance out.

Hmmm... I don't think it'd matter. ... even if there were more people who-- were that heartless... I don't think their murderous opinions count for much. [Says the daughter of a terrorist.]

... All you did was try to give people... happy lives. I can't see anything wrong with that. [Her eyes finally drop as she says this, looking at her hands.]

Mm. I'd show you, but...

[Well. She'd said she didn't want to be part of it already.]

Teddy says I can't use magic for a while.

[And he's... trying. It's just harder than he thought it would be.]

["Try". That concerns him a little, though it takes a moment for the word to click. He glances over at her, worrying his lower lip for a moment before he speaks up again, this time more personally, really focusing on her instead of his own self-deprecating misery.]

Were you... happy?

Please, don't strain yourself on my account. Ah- is that why? Did Teddy tell you?

[She smiles. It is a genuine smile, though her eyes reveal a lurking sadness. ] .... Yes. I was. ... Up until-- everything went back to this... I was-- so happy. [Her smile falters at the end. Because she was. She was so happy, and now she's back to this stupid, painful, unhappy life. And it kind of hurts remembering how good things were. ]

Mm.

[He gestures at his face, vaguely, like that explains everything.]

He says it'll hurt me. He made me promise. No... no more magic.

[It's as much an explanation as it is a reminder to himself.]

[IC] Appointments Post

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