selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

By accident. [She stresses that last word. Maybe it's not the best argument in the world, but it's at least true. He didn't mean to hurt anyone. He had just reacted to a horrible experiment. And okay, maybe he hadn't gone about it in the best way possible. But that doesn't make him a bad guy. Not by a long shot.] We all make mistakes. Sometimes, we're the only ones that suffer. Other times, everyone else suffers with us.

[Billy glances away uncomfortably, looking listless, unsure. He's spent all day blaming himself, even with Teddy's encouragement, and just brushing it off as an accident just seems wrong.]

I think... I understand. Why Wanda disappeared after M-Day.

[The prospect of facing the results of this "accident" is terrifying. He already kind of wishes he'd just stayed asleep.]

[She gets it, too. Seeing Cassie again had brought up all kinds of previously repressed issues. Facing her again had been as hard as agreeing to work with Clint. It meant facing up to her failures. She's never been very good at that.]

You're stronger than that, Billy. Running away... [She trails off, looking away for a second.] That's not you. That's not any of us. Disappearing won't make it any better. Been there, tried that.

We're the Young Avengers for a reason.

Yeah. So we can make the same stupid mistakes as our predecessors.

[He's living proof now, isn't he? Following the footsteps of his soul-mom, doing the same thing that she did. All that's missing is that he didn't have years worth of emotional ruin courtesy of Magneto, which meant no mutant decimation after the fact.

But he'd tried to kill Teddy, and... that's where it started, isn't it? Wanda killing her teammates? Her husband?]

No.

[She had been working with Clint on an almost regular basis before she came here. And some days, she just wanted to strangle him for his asshole behavior and self-deprecation. As much as she admired him, he also provided a good reminder for everything she didn't want to be.]

God, Billy, that's not it at all. It's so we learn from the mistakes they made. Look, I know M-Day sucked but, let's face it. Shit happens. Wanda should have taken the responsibility then that she-

[Shit! Shut up, Bishop. She takes a deep breath, running a hand through her bangs.]

Look, what I'm saying is that where you and Wanda differ is your ability to accept what happened. You'll deal with this. Which is what she should have done. That's what we're here for. Teddy and me and Tommy and Cassie. To get you through this so you don't have to go it alone. And so you don't wind up following through on those stupid mistakes just like they did.

[He really, really wishes he could believe all that as easily as she does. But Teddy's upset and Tommy hasn't even seen him and he has no idea where Cassie is and Kate-

...Kate...]

...Why don't you hate me? For what I did to you...

[She was affected, too. He remembers that- he helped to invent the fantasy she developed for herself. He dragged her with him down that path. So why...?]

[She takes a deep breath. She had her mom back in that reality. For a brief moment, she really had been living the perfect life with the perfect parents, the perfect sister, the perfect boyfriend.

But reality isn't that neat and clean. Doesn't she know it?]

Because I've made mistakes, too. We all have.

[He has to think about that, because he doesn't know about those mistakes; he hasn't seen the result, hasn't seen the grief attached, hasn't seen how they grow and break apart and cry over so many mistakes. Hasn't felt the loss. All he knows is that the Young Avengers held together because she was strong enough to not give up, because she's just as much of a leader as Eli, and because she's amazing.

He doesn't know what her mistakes might be, but they can't come close to what he did. Right? ...Right...?

Ugh, he doesn't want to imagine. Better to assume it's impossible.]

Most of the time when people make mistakes the don't... break reality.

[Most people aren't Billy Kaplan, either.

What the hell ever made you think you could do this?]

People like me shouldn't have powers, Kate.

[And people like me shouldn't be superheros.

It's a thought that still echoes in her head from time to time. It has for the past couple of years, ever since losing Cassie and Jonas. She nearly said as much to Clint when he recruited her to work with him. It's been a while since she's let herself think as much.

But she can't help it. Because for a moment, she had lived in a world where she never lost two of her team members. In that other world, the Young Avengers had been her team and she always led them into successful battles.

She sighs and closes her eyes for a moment.]

Do you think I would have done any different if I had your powers? [Probably not. She would've done her best to rescue Cassie, even after all the disasters Wanda had caused.] This whole superhero thing? It's not like I decided to do it out of the goodness of my heart.

[That actually makes him pause again, because he hadn't expected that.]

You... but why, then? Why'd you join up with us?

[Sometimes, when things get bad, really bad, he'd forget why he got into it. But then Teddy would always be there to remind him, one way or another. It's part of why any of this happened- he'd lost Teddy. He'd lost a huge part of what made him - kept him - grounded, a good person.

It had been ridiculously easy to go darkside, living with that loss.]

[She runs her hands through her hair, unable to look at him. There are only two people that she's ever talked to about what happened that night. And Billy's definitely not her therapist or Jessica Jones. Even if Teddy had known what had happened to her living another life, back in that not-entirely-pleasant Pleasantville they had all been forced to experience, it's not the same.

Because that she can chock up to a fictional life. God. She rubs her palm against her forehead. She should have kept her mouth shut. But that's one of the thing about Hawkeyes. They tend to act before they think.]

Because I made a mistake once. [Okay, so it's vague. But she needs to start somewhere. She's not nearly as perfect as Billy might think.] I took a shortcut one night through Central Park when I was fourteen. You know as well as I do that there's a reason they tell people to stay out of the Park when dark...

[He doesn't get it at first; he hears it, but the words don't manage to sink in through the murky cloud of guilt and self-pity surrounding his head. So busy thinking about what he did, and what he's been through, and the damage he caused, and she...

....

she...

...oh god. Oh god. She-]

...Kate...

[There's shock first, and then the dawning horror at what her words are implying. It's not a fear he's ever lived with. And it's not something he's ever even considered could be a reality, with how strong and untouchable Kate was, with how powerful her presence on the team had always been, with how close they'd all become.

But this...]

Yeah.

[She doesn't look at him. She doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to see his shock or pity or disbelief. Instead, Kate stares down at the laces of her sneakers. Her knees are curled up to her chest, the arm not wrapped around Billy's shoulder hugging them closer to her. It's easier than meeting his eyes and knowing she's destroyed every illusion he might have had about her.

Just something Hawkeyes happen to excel at. Crushing those positive illusions that anyone might have had about them, one at a time. God knows Barton's pulled similar shit with her enough times.]

So, there you go. All those times I took charge instead of Eli and nearly got us all killed? It wasn't some idealistic notion that I could be as much of a superhero as the rest of you.

God, Billy. I have no powers and no real connection to the Avengers. At least, not then. I just didn't want to be the victim anymore. I didn't want anyone else to have to go through what I did. There are a million options I could have picked and I picked the one that put the people I love most in the world in harm's way.

[Except it didn't end there. She got two of them killed. But, thankfully, she somehow has enough peace of mind to keep that from Billy. He's going through enough without needing the weight of her responsibilities, too.]

[That doesn't seem right, with what he knows of her. With what he's witnessed. She's so strong, and for her to endure that sort of experience and come out of it on top, with a desire to put herself in harms way for the sake of others- not despite it, but because of it? He doesn't understand how a decision that amazing could make her look so ashamed of herself. He wants to, if only to know her better; all this time and it feels like a whole new aspect of her life has been opened up, a door opened to a room he never knew existed.]

Katie...

[He calls her in a different tone, more personal, even using the nickname so few gave her- and he sounds awed, amazed, regretful that he hadn't known before, grateful that she trusted him enough to tell him now. He shifts his free hand to curl around the fingers she has clasped around his shoulder, squeezing gently.]

That's not what you did. You kept us safe, Kate. I can't count the number of times you saved our lives. That's... why we're a team, right? So we take care of each other. You're so strong... whatever your reasons, you belong with us.

[Those positive illusions weren't crushed- just shifted from illusion to justified reality.]

I know.

[She finally looks at him when he calls her Katie. It's a name so few people dare to call her. Her mother had. Clint on occasion, albeit usually when he wanted to piss her off. And Billy. But rather than reassure her, as that tone and name has done in the past, it makes her feel even more guilty. There's so much she hasn't said. The things she can't say until Billy and Teddy actually live through them. If, that is, they ever will.

He still doesn't know the half of it. How much she fucked up in making the decision for the team to help him chase after Wanda. It wasn't your fault, Katie Kate. But she still takes the blame for it.]

It's been, what? Six years since the night I was raped? A lot's happened since then. I still don't always feel safe. But I have you guys. I have Clint. [Those are all the things she keeps reminding herself every day. And the things Billy'll probably have to start reminding himself of, too. But if it helps him get through this, then it's worth sharing.] Bad things happen, Billy. To all of us. So you have two choices. You can stay here in this bed and let this whole fiasco destroy you. Or you can own up to it, learn from it, and be prepared if the Malnosso ever try to pull this shit again.

Edited 2013-10-28 18:32 (UTC)

[He wants that. Really, he does. He wants to be himself, to have the strength to fight, to look inside his own mind and find himself to be the only one there. He wants it, but he’s used to getting what he wants by chanting for it, and he… can’t do that anymore.

No more magic.

Instead, all he can do is fight with his head, and that’s… never been his best strength. Or rather, maybe it used to be, but it’s taken so many hard hits over the past year or two that it’s hard to find that strength again. It’s buried in a sea of fear and doubt and he doesn’t remember how to dig right now.]
I can’t… I can’t do it by myself. I need help, Kate… I can’t think, I can’t...

You're not going to have to.

[She had had her therapist. And it had helped. Some. In the whole way therapy is supposed to help overcome a trauma. Billy doesn't have that option here. But he does have something Kate had lacked at the time: friends close enough to be family. It's something she would have given anything for then. A sister close enough to understand. A mother not battling her own sickness.

She hugs Billy tighter and rests her head against his.] You have me. Through thick and thin, Billy. I'm not going to go anywhere. I swear. We'll figure this out together.

[Like with Teddy, her support means everything to him. It's part of what's had him so scared since waking up, the thought of losing everything, everyone he loves because of his own mistakes. But she's here, holding him, saying stuff like that...

He shudders, shifting the arm he can move to hold her back, sniffing quietly, trying not to cry all over her shirt. He's a mess, and he's a screw-up, and he feels like the worst person in the world, but... he's not alone.]

...Y-yeah... okay. Okay. We'll... together...

[She wishes the box of tissues were closer by. Or that she still had those awesome superpowers Wanda had managed to spell her with in that perfect world. Right now, going for the tissues would mean letting go of Billy. And that's the last thing she wants to do.]

Together. If there's anything the Young Avengers are good at, it's having each others' backs.

[He probably wouldn't handle it well, either. Thankfully he has a sleeve, that'll be good enough.]

...Sorry... I... I'm sorry, I'm just no good at this right now... I keep making you guys take care of me...

[Whose back does he have, anymore? He feels so useless.]

God, you know how much I would have killed for that back when I was 14?

[She doesn't mean to sound so jealous in that statement, but it's true. She couldn't burden anyone in her family when her mother was sick. She had no friends then. And a psychologist just wasn't the same thing.

Billy has no idea just how lucky he was. She couldn't ever make him go through anything by himself.]

Besides, one of these days? You'll have our backs in return. That's how this whole friendship thing works.

[He's not sure if he should feel better or worse for that. He kind of feels like both.

But she means well, and not a lot these days doesn't make him feel worse, so he figures that's his fault, not hers.]

I'll... try. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't know each other before... that we couldn't be the support you needed. That's not fair.

Don't apologize for something out of your control. Ever.

[Because if he started doing that, he might never stop. There was too much out there that none of them could predict. If they started taking responsibility for everything, god, where would it end?]

I have you guys now. And I couldn't ask for anything better.

[He's already trying to do that, really- because he can think of a million mistakes he's made, now. So many callous remarks or misplaced spells or cold shoulders... from the smallest transgressions to the biggest of all now, that spell. Something he'll never, ever forget. And then there's the crimes he didn't stop, even though he has this incredible - awful - power...

But she doesn't want him to apologize for everything, and he's already apologized for that, so... he just nods.]

R... right. Okay...

[He'd almost apologized for that, too.]

[Was he going to apologize again? Kate frowns a little at the thought, suspecting just that. Dammit, Billy. Even if she knows recoveries don't happen overnight, and that wishes are full of crap, she can't help but wish things could happen just like that.

She hates seeing Billy this depressed. She hated it the last time - after Cassie and Jonas died and the team broke up.

Sigh.]

That's a start.

[IC] Appointments Post

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[october 15th] ...not following through. that should have read not following through. /anal

[october 15th] no no it's fine I getcha

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