selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[That doesn't seem right, with what he knows of her. With what he's witnessed. She's so strong, and for her to endure that sort of experience and come out of it on top, with a desire to put herself in harms way for the sake of others- not despite it, but because of it? He doesn't understand how a decision that amazing could make her look so ashamed of herself. He wants to, if only to know her better; all this time and it feels like a whole new aspect of her life has been opened up, a door opened to a room he never knew existed.]

Katie...

[He calls her in a different tone, more personal, even using the nickname so few gave her- and he sounds awed, amazed, regretful that he hadn't known before, grateful that she trusted him enough to tell him now. He shifts his free hand to curl around the fingers she has clasped around his shoulder, squeezing gently.]

That's not what you did. You kept us safe, Kate. I can't count the number of times you saved our lives. That's... why we're a team, right? So we take care of each other. You're so strong... whatever your reasons, you belong with us.

[Those positive illusions weren't crushed- just shifted from illusion to justified reality.]

I know.

[She finally looks at him when he calls her Katie. It's a name so few people dare to call her. Her mother had. Clint on occasion, albeit usually when he wanted to piss her off. And Billy. But rather than reassure her, as that tone and name has done in the past, it makes her feel even more guilty. There's so much she hasn't said. The things she can't say until Billy and Teddy actually live through them. If, that is, they ever will.

He still doesn't know the half of it. How much she fucked up in making the decision for the team to help him chase after Wanda. It wasn't your fault, Katie Kate. But she still takes the blame for it.]

It's been, what? Six years since the night I was raped? A lot's happened since then. I still don't always feel safe. But I have you guys. I have Clint. [Those are all the things she keeps reminding herself every day. And the things Billy'll probably have to start reminding himself of, too. But if it helps him get through this, then it's worth sharing.] Bad things happen, Billy. To all of us. So you have two choices. You can stay here in this bed and let this whole fiasco destroy you. Or you can own up to it, learn from it, and be prepared if the Malnosso ever try to pull this shit again.

Edited 2013-10-28 18:32 (UTC)

[He wants that. Really, he does. He wants to be himself, to have the strength to fight, to look inside his own mind and find himself to be the only one there. He wants it, but he’s used to getting what he wants by chanting for it, and he… can’t do that anymore.

No more magic.

Instead, all he can do is fight with his head, and that’s… never been his best strength. Or rather, maybe it used to be, but it’s taken so many hard hits over the past year or two that it’s hard to find that strength again. It’s buried in a sea of fear and doubt and he doesn’t remember how to dig right now.]
I can’t… I can’t do it by myself. I need help, Kate… I can’t think, I can’t...

You're not going to have to.

[She had had her therapist. And it had helped. Some. In the whole way therapy is supposed to help overcome a trauma. Billy doesn't have that option here. But he does have something Kate had lacked at the time: friends close enough to be family. It's something she would have given anything for then. A sister close enough to understand. A mother not battling her own sickness.

She hugs Billy tighter and rests her head against his.] You have me. Through thick and thin, Billy. I'm not going to go anywhere. I swear. We'll figure this out together.

[Like with Teddy, her support means everything to him. It's part of what's had him so scared since waking up, the thought of losing everything, everyone he loves because of his own mistakes. But she's here, holding him, saying stuff like that...

He shudders, shifting the arm he can move to hold her back, sniffing quietly, trying not to cry all over her shirt. He's a mess, and he's a screw-up, and he feels like the worst person in the world, but... he's not alone.]

...Y-yeah... okay. Okay. We'll... together...

[She wishes the box of tissues were closer by. Or that she still had those awesome superpowers Wanda had managed to spell her with in that perfect world. Right now, going for the tissues would mean letting go of Billy. And that's the last thing she wants to do.]

Together. If there's anything the Young Avengers are good at, it's having each others' backs.

[He probably wouldn't handle it well, either. Thankfully he has a sleeve, that'll be good enough.]

...Sorry... I... I'm sorry, I'm just no good at this right now... I keep making you guys take care of me...

[Whose back does he have, anymore? He feels so useless.]

God, you know how much I would have killed for that back when I was 14?

[She doesn't mean to sound so jealous in that statement, but it's true. She couldn't burden anyone in her family when her mother was sick. She had no friends then. And a psychologist just wasn't the same thing.

Billy has no idea just how lucky he was. She couldn't ever make him go through anything by himself.]

Besides, one of these days? You'll have our backs in return. That's how this whole friendship thing works.

[He's not sure if he should feel better or worse for that. He kind of feels like both.

But she means well, and not a lot these days doesn't make him feel worse, so he figures that's his fault, not hers.]

I'll... try. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't know each other before... that we couldn't be the support you needed. That's not fair.

Don't apologize for something out of your control. Ever.

[Because if he started doing that, he might never stop. There was too much out there that none of them could predict. If they started taking responsibility for everything, god, where would it end?]

I have you guys now. And I couldn't ask for anything better.

[He's already trying to do that, really- because he can think of a million mistakes he's made, now. So many callous remarks or misplaced spells or cold shoulders... from the smallest transgressions to the biggest of all now, that spell. Something he'll never, ever forget. And then there's the crimes he didn't stop, even though he has this incredible - awful - power...

But she doesn't want him to apologize for everything, and he's already apologized for that, so... he just nods.]

R... right. Okay...

[He'd almost apologized for that, too.]

[Was he going to apologize again? Kate frowns a little at the thought, suspecting just that. Dammit, Billy. Even if she knows recoveries don't happen overnight, and that wishes are full of crap, she can't help but wish things could happen just like that.

She hates seeing Billy this depressed. She hated it the last time - after Cassie and Jonas died and the team broke up.

Sigh.]

That's a start.

[A start. A start for what? The idea of more, is... exhausting. But he knows his job isn't finished. The job of making amends... might never be.

He just wishes he knew where to start.]

...So what's next...?

We take it one day at a time?

[It ad worked for her. Sort of. She had finished high school and started college, moved out of her dad's place and tried living a "normal" life. But normal became seriously overrated, didn't it? Whether she liked it or not, she's a superhero through and through.

But the suggestion still sounds better than any other she can think of right now.]

And don't you dare try to handle this on your own.

[She gets a very small smile at that. It's actually kind of laughable, the idea that he could.]

I... don't think I could do anything on my own, at this point. I can't even get out of bed without help...

[She hadn't necessarily meant her words to be taken in any kind of humorous way. A part of Kate remains worried that he will try to handle the outfall of the reality change on his own. It'd be a Billy Kaplan thing to do.

God, weren't they are too stupidly stubborn when it came to owning up to their faults? Maybe it was for the best that the team broke up.

Quietly,] You're not going to be in this bed forever.

[He sobers again at that, his fingers sneaking down to twist in the blankets again.]

...I know.

[It's what he's afraid of, in a way. When he gets up... when he gets better... he'll have to face everyone. He'll have to face what he did.]

[Well, he doesn't sound nearly as enthused as she'd hope. She can't really blame him. How many days did she spend curled up in her bed after that night? There's a safety in staying hidden from the world. But it's not her.

And she doubts that it's very Billy, either.]

I'm probably going to start sounding like a broken record soon enough, but? You won't be alone.

[He musters a smile somehow, weakly as before, but he's hoping it's better than nothing. Is it good to be pathetic or depressing? ...Except he's probably both.

Goddammit...]

That's... okay. Really. I mean... I'll be just as bad. I have so much apologizing to do...

[....]

A-and I know. I know that... Teddy's made sure of it.

Edited (wow way to skip the main point) 2013-11-17 00:36 (UTC)

[She smiles back, trying to make her own a little stronger and confident. One of them has to be. Maybe it's been a while since she's been in charge of the Young Avengers but it had been a role she slipped back into easily enough upon arriving here. Billy needs that now.

Maybe they all do.]

And I'm going to make sure of it, too. Teddy's not the only shoulder you have here to lean on.

...Yeah. There's that, too.

[He can recognize her effort even if he's not quite feeling it yet, so after a moment of tentative smiling he slumps against her once more, grateful, and perhaps a little self-indulgent. Whether he deserves it or not, he needs this right now.]

Thanks, Kate...

[She grins warmly at him and wraps her arm around his shoulder. Her legs spread out in front of her, not caring if she tracks dirt from her boots on to the bed. She can stay like this for a while, until Billy falls asleep or kicks her out. It's comfortable. And sorta peaceful.]

You're welcome, Billy.

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