selfhelp | [IC] Appointments Post

[It takes Wanda longer than she would like to admit to make it back to Billy's room, after her run in with Rogue. She's tried to be there for a few hours every day since that first visit, but after talking with Rogue, well.

She had not felt like she deserved to see anyone.

That didn't keep her away for long, though. In short order, she's slinking back in, nervously looking around. Worried that Rogue will be he here, or worse, have already been here, to exact an eye-for-an-eye type revenge.

It upsets her that she hasn't been able to catch up with Tommy.

She is surprised to find Billy awake and alone, and she pauses, looking around, uncertain if she should continue her approach or not. She likely just caught him while Teddy's in the washroom or something, but what if he wants to be alone? ]

... ... Billy?

...Mom?

[But- no. No. Her voice is a little different, her hair is shorter, and when he looks at her, he can tell that she's younger. His expression, hopeful, eager, and frightened at first shifts to appear apologetic instead, rubbing absently at his forehead.]

No, I- I'm sorry. Wanda. You're Wanda. It's hard to- I'm still sorting it out- I didn't mean to say that.

... It's ok. [It's not ok. It's like a bucket of cold water, or a knife to the heart. It shocks her, and makes her want to rush to him and wrap him in hugs and protect him.

But. It wasn't real. Not any more.] ... I'm still trying to-- sort it out, myself.

...

How... are you doing? [She moves across the room, looking to occupy a chair near his bed. She is purposefully slow in her actions, as if to defy her desires.]

[He tenses a little as she approaches - he's been waiting for someone to jump him outright for what he's done, yell at him or attack him or worse - but he doesn't move, half because she doesn't seem very threatening yet, and half because he knows he deserves whatever he gets. He can't help but feel safer with her than most, though. She's not his Wanda, and she's more friend than mother to him even now (assuming they're still friends, god he wants to believe that, but he's not sure of anything anymore), but her presence still reassures her, the way Teddy's does, the way Tommy's would, if he'd visited. Alternate reality or not, she feels like family.

His fingers tighten in the blanket draped over his legs, the hand of his injured arm twitching slightly in its sling. He tries to smile, but it doesn't look particularly honest.]

I don't... know how to answer that. I'm not- I'm not here, you know? I mean, I am, my body's-

[He pauses, frustrated. Rambling and disjointed responses never help anyone, but his mind can't really offer much else these days.]

Everything's... kind of mixed up. But I'm better than before. I think. [Another pause, and then he nods.] Yeah. I think.

[He makes more sense than he might think. Wanda is at least vaguely familiar with the confusion and discomfort that comes from reality not being at all permanent around you. She settles into the chair, eyes locked on him in that rather creepy unblinking way she has.]

Yeah. ... You're awake. And-- alive. So. ... That's better. Yeah.

[Her scrutiny is unsettling enough to make him fidget and look away, eerie blue eyes fixated on his lap.]

Is it?

[Better to be alive? Such a problematic mess for everyone?

Teddy would get mad if he heard you talking about that again.

Teddy's not here right now.]

Yes. It is. [Her answer comes immediately and without hesitation, unlike her typical speech. There is no need to think about that answer. ]

I don't... I would be very upset if you were dead. ... So would Teddy. So would Tommy. ... So would Kate. ... I think a lot of people would be very upset if you died.

[Well.

He can add her name to the list, at least. People who don't want him dead for this. It's almost enough to make him smile.]

Maybe I should run a poll. See if the numbers balance out.

Hmmm... I don't think it'd matter. ... even if there were more people who-- were that heartless... I don't think their murderous opinions count for much. [Says the daughter of a terrorist.]

... All you did was try to give people... happy lives. I can't see anything wrong with that. [Her eyes finally drop as she says this, looking at her hands.]

["Try". That concerns him a little, though it takes a moment for the word to click. He glances over at her, worrying his lower lip for a moment before he speaks up again, this time more personally, really focusing on her instead of his own self-deprecating misery.]

Were you... happy?

[She smiles. It is a genuine smile, though her eyes reveal a lurking sadness. ] .... Yes. I was. ... Up until-- everything went back to this... I was-- so happy. [Her smile falters at the end. Because she was. She was so happy, and now she's back to this stupid, painful, unhappy life. And it kind of hurts remembering how good things were. ]

[He winces at that, looking down for a moment before he meets her gaze again, looking very serious.]

Do you want me to try again? I could try again. I didn't- I didn't want to stop, I was just... I was so tired, that's all...

[He'd promised Teddy he wouldn't, but- she looked so sad, and it was his fault. All because he'd fallen asleep. How could he not try?]

[There is a long pause while Wanda considers this. Her heart positively YEARNS for it. To go back to that perfect world where everythign was ok, and everyone was happy? Where she had family, and friends? Yes. Please, yes.

But.

She can't help but remember Rogue's reaction, yesterday. And how hard it had been to even make a fraction of that world real. And what the failure had resulted in.]

... Loki and I... We tried to put it back.

...

It didn't go very well.

[That surprises him a little, his brows furrowing. They'd tried to do it? With their power? That's... reckless. No one has this kind of power on their own. He knows that it isn't all his, after all. Whatever he's borrowing it from is something different, something older and much stronger than his own abilities. It's the only reason he'd succeeded.]

What happened?

[She can't even try to lie to Billy. Besides the fact that he may be the only one who can understand what she's going through. Maybe.]

... I couldn't hold on to the magic. ... I slipped, and-- Anja died. [That's the first time she's said the name since it happened. It tastes like ashes and copper in her mouth. ]

...That's impossible.

[His voice is firm, his lips pursed into a tight frown.]

She doesn't exist. She never did. You can't kill what isn't real.

[Wanda looks up at him, confused and a little angry, despite herself. That's almost exactly what Rogue had said. Why? Of course she exists! Or at least she had.]

She did exist! She was alive and as real as anything. [Wanda is slightly confused why she is arguing the point. If Anja wasn't real, then that means Wanda isn't a murderer. But it feels-- wrong, somehow to just brush aside someone's death as being 'not real'. ]

I brought her back, after everything went away. I just-- I couldn't keep her here. [She looks away again.] I tried. ... I tried...

[Billy shakes his head again, painfully calm, unfazed by her passion.]

You can't create real people out of magic. Not even... whatever's in me right now could do that. You can make constructs, illusions, but it's all fake. The only thing you killed was the lie I created. And... that's on me, not you.

[He spent a week living in that lie, knowing how it was all falsified, never meant to last. It's why he didn't sleep. It's why he was so drained when it was finally over.

You can change reality for a while, but you can't pull life out of nothing. And magic always has a price.]

[Wanda rankles under her powers being called "illusions," sitting back, lips pursed. ] ... ... I know what I did. ... I know what I saw.

[She bites her lip, wanting to lash out at him with her words, to try and hurt him for being so dismissive. But her anger quickly turns to uncertainty, and her uncertainty to despair. After all-- what did she know? She was nothing more than a silly girl with more power than brains. She'd felt his power. It was the same as hers.

Her train of thought derailed there, as a few thoughts piled up on top of one another. Her friend? Her son? They had the same power. Their brothers could have been the same person, almost. How could there be so many similarities? She still felt for him-- wanting to care and nurture him. But she also felt inferior to him, which was not a motherly feeling at all. It was all getting mixed up in her heart and her mind, and it was giving her a aching feelings in both places.]

.... Who are you??

[He was wondering when she would ask that. He knew it was coming, of course - from the moment she entered the room, he knew. And now he's not sure whether he's glad of the change in subject or not. He can argue the mechanics of magic until the world ends if he has to, but this? He could never be ready for this.

But he asked for this, in a way, by creating that reality. By making her a part of his and Tommy's. Whether he likes it or not, she has a right to know.

The truth is inevitable. For now, though, all he wants to do - all he can do - is helplessly delay it.]

I'm... Billy Kaplan.

[She shakes her head. Why is he making this hard?] .... Are we-- I don't know. Are we... the same person? But different universes? [That sort of thing happens here, right? That could be a thing? God. She'd almost prefer it. ] Is that why our magic feels the same?

Or.

... why was I your mother?

[And there it is.

Billy looks down at that, carefully avoiding her eyes. Evade, evade, evade, e-]

I told you... I was adopted.

[...evade...]

... You did. [For once, you'll get no help from her, Billy.]

Edited 2013-10-20 04:48 (UTC)

[Dammit, dammit, dammit- she isn't- why today, though-]

I wasn't supposed to tell you...

[Alright, she'll help a little. She can feel her heart pounding, for some reason. Can he hear that?] Wh... Why? Why not tell me? Tell me-- what?

[Action, October 16th]

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