selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yes, I suppose it might be easier if you come from a world where recorded music like that is common. In my world our only option is live music, and it would be rude to zone it out while someone is sitting there performing right in front of you.

I didn’t even think of that. If it was live, I’d definitely be listening… most of the music I have here is stuff I’ve probably listened to a hundred times already.

Do you think I could get one of those music players for myself? I would love to be able to listen to music here, even if it isn't the live sort that I'm used to.

I think so? I mean, since you didn't have one at home you'd have to pilfer music off of those of us who have it, but that's not a problem. There's a lot to choose from. You'd probably just need to do a mission or two.

That's right, I remember hearing that you could get points from missions that could be used to purchase things. I'd never considered them before, but if it would mean I could have the ability to have music, then perhaps it might be worth it after all.

I'll keep it in mind the next time I get the urge to do something adventurous.

Go for it. You can do peaceful missions, too - Teddy and I spent a week dishing out food in space, once - so if you don't feel like fighting, there's always that option.

That sounds much more like something I would consider doing. While I'm capable of fighting, I wouldn't exactly say I enjoy doing so.

At the very least, it's definitely worth the trip. Even without stars, space is pretty amazing. We went on a moon-walking date.

How very romantic.

[And he's not being sarcastic at all-- it's totally sincere, and perhaps even a little envious.

But, as nice as all of this discussion is (and he's glad for it; something tells him it will be much easier to ease into the real subject after the chance to relax like this), he did come here for a purpose.]

... but I'm sure you already know that I didn't come here to talk about music or missions.

[...Ah.

Billy seems to wilt a little, glancing down and twisting his hands together somewhat helplessly. The conversation had been going so well that he'd hoped... hrngh.]

No... I guess not.

[Richard's own expression is one of clear guilt for causing that reaction in Billy, even though he knows it's necessary if he's going to talk about this.]

You aren't the only one who has hurt people to a degree you aren't sure you can ever truly make amends for.

[That earns him no small degree of surprise, as Billy lifts his head to stare.]

...you...?

[It's not like he thought he was alone or anything, but to have someone else come to him and admit it is...]

[He gives a little nod in response, the corner of his lips quirking up into a sad, crooked little smile.]

Does that surprise you?

[Richard knows that he hardly comes across as someone who would hurt anyone, much less do what he did.]

A little. I mean... you're always so nice. It's hard to imagine you hurting anyone.

[Just what was this terrible crime?]

[That little smile turns more wry when he hears those words. Yes, he certainly seems nice enough, but the experience with Twila had just served as definitive proof that he does in fact have darkness in his heart, whether he wanted to admit to it or not.]

I thought the only way to save my world was to eliminate humans from it. If humans were the ones causing conflict and harming the world itself, then it made sense that getting rid of them would put an end to that cycle.

[That... is not what he expected. And it's slightly more malevolent than anything he could have predicted. That's like... super-villain behaviour, holy crap.]

...But... aren't you human, too?

[Is this one of those kill-all-then-die things?]

[It isn't what anyone expects. Sanji's reaction had been much the same when he'd finally revealed it to the chef-- shocked disbelief bordering on horror. It's what he deserves, really.]

I am. But Lambda - the being who was living within me for seven years - isn't.

You had something - someone - else in you?

[The "too" this time is left unsaid; he knows what that feels like now, even though he doesn't actually know if his own possession had a name.]

Did you know?

[Richard shakes his head, eyes still distant. Had he known earlier... well, he honestly isn't sure if things would have gone any differently. He still wouldn't have been able to face Lambda the way Asbel did.]

Not at first, and not for a long time. I didn't realize until my own anger at the world had already grown too great for me to want to refuse his offers.

...Why were you angry?

[Is it always emotionally driven? He'd been that way, too- thinking Teddy was dead, heartbroken, infuriated. It had been so much easier to give in to the magic's temptation than deal with that grief.]

I hated the world for causing me so much pain.

[Surrounded by people whose only interest in him was for their own benefit, constantly threatened by assassination attempts, his father murdered right before his very eyes... there were very few things in his life that had been good and kind. It had been so easy and so natural to want to inflict the same pain he'd felt on those who he perceived had caused him to suffer, whether it was true or not.]

...Ah.

[What does one say to that? There isn't much; Billy can understand that kind of anger, since he's been there himself, but at the same time, he can't. For years he's been too focused on heroes and doing the right thing that it's hard to slide into the opposite mentality, even when he'd shared it for a while during his possession.

In the end, he opts not to respond- merely glances at Richard, waiting to see if he has more to say. He knows that sometimes a listening ear is the best medicine.]

But no matter how angry I was, it didn't justify my actions. I realize that much now.

[Though he'd though he was ending it, in truth all he was really doing was continuing the cycle of pain and hatred. And, in the end, he would have ended up alone, which was the last thing he'd wanted. Despite his suspicion of people and his dislike for their cruelty, at heart all he'd wanted was for someone to understand him and be by his side.]

...No... it doesn't. I know that much, now.

[Not that he'd had much of a choice. It still had been a choice, though. And one he hopes he'd never make again, if the situation were to repeat itself.]

It's just a shame that both of us had to come to that realization the hard way.

[Lambda may have influenced him, yes, but he also made a conscious decision to go along with the being's plans. A large part of the guilt is his to bear.]

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