selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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You had something - someone - else in you?

[The "too" this time is left unsaid; he knows what that feels like now, even though he doesn't actually know if his own possession had a name.]

Did you know?

[Richard shakes his head, eyes still distant. Had he known earlier... well, he honestly isn't sure if things would have gone any differently. He still wouldn't have been able to face Lambda the way Asbel did.]

Not at first, and not for a long time. I didn't realize until my own anger at the world had already grown too great for me to want to refuse his offers.

...Why were you angry?

[Is it always emotionally driven? He'd been that way, too- thinking Teddy was dead, heartbroken, infuriated. It had been so much easier to give in to the magic's temptation than deal with that grief.]

I hated the world for causing me so much pain.

[Surrounded by people whose only interest in him was for their own benefit, constantly threatened by assassination attempts, his father murdered right before his very eyes... there were very few things in his life that had been good and kind. It had been so easy and so natural to want to inflict the same pain he'd felt on those who he perceived had caused him to suffer, whether it was true or not.]

...Ah.

[What does one say to that? There isn't much; Billy can understand that kind of anger, since he's been there himself, but at the same time, he can't. For years he's been too focused on heroes and doing the right thing that it's hard to slide into the opposite mentality, even when he'd shared it for a while during his possession.

In the end, he opts not to respond- merely glances at Richard, waiting to see if he has more to say. He knows that sometimes a listening ear is the best medicine.]

But no matter how angry I was, it didn't justify my actions. I realize that much now.

[Though he'd though he was ending it, in truth all he was really doing was continuing the cycle of pain and hatred. And, in the end, he would have ended up alone, which was the last thing he'd wanted. Despite his suspicion of people and his dislike for their cruelty, at heart all he'd wanted was for someone to understand him and be by his side.]

...No... it doesn't. I know that much, now.

[Not that he'd had much of a choice. It still had been a choice, though. And one he hopes he'd never make again, if the situation were to repeat itself.]

It's just a shame that both of us had to come to that realization the hard way.

[Lambda may have influenced him, yes, but he also made a conscious decision to go along with the being's plans. A large part of the guilt is his to bear.]

Isn't that how it usually goes? Learning the hard way?

[Billy can't even smile at that, now.]

What I'd like more is... if I'd learned the hard way without hurting the people here along with it.

[Richard nods quietly.]

I would rather have accepted all of that pain myself than inflicted it on anyone else, much less people who didn't deserve it.

Yeah... me too. Definitely, me too.

[But there's no going back in time to fix it, now. He's not Kang, and he knows better.]

I don't know what else to do now but apologize.

Apologize, and do my best to make restitution for my deed. That is what I'd been doing in my world before I was brought here.

That's what I'm trying to do now. But people keep trying to tell me that I shouldn't give up magic for this... I don't get it.

[Richard is quiet, considering how to respond to this. In all honesty, he understands what Billy is feeling, why he's so hesitant to use his magic. Although it wasn't exactly the same, his situation and feelings toward Lambda had been similar at the beginning.

He didn't want to trust Lambda-- he viewed the being with constant suspicion, waiting for him to try to take over Asbel the same way he had with him. When Asbel began to place his trust in Lambda, Richard's own instincts had screamed at him not to stop Asbel... but in the end, after he'd had the courage to speak to Lambda directly, Richard was able trust the being as well. And it had been the right decision.]

What do you think would happen if you don't give it up?

...I don't know. Maybe the same thing. Maybe something worse. That's... what makes it hard, I think. Not knowing means even imagining it makes it all a nightmare.

[How is he supposed to concentrate on what he wants the magic to do when the idea of trying terrifies him?]

In other words, you're afraid of your own weakness.

[Which is something he understands all too well.]

You're afraid that you won't be strong enough to resist the urge to use your magic for the wrong reasons again. Doing it once is proof that you're capable of it, and you're afraid it's also proof that you could do it again.

[He looks up at Billy.]

Am I correct?

...Pretty on the nose, yeah.

[There really isn't any point in denying it, is there? He'd all but admitted to it.

And the problem is easier to admit than it is to talk about.]

[Richard's laugh is soft, wry.]

We really are alike.

I'm sorry.

[He wouldn't want to be like himself if he was somebody else.]

Why are you apologizing?

[He seems genuinely baffled by this, because as far as he can tell, Billy hasn't done anything to him that's worthy of an apology.]

I don't know. That this happened? That bad things ever happen to good people? It sucks. But there isn't much anyone can do about it, so... sorry.

[He shrugs.]

[Richard just shakes his head, his gaze falling back down to the floor.]

The ones who truly deserve the apology are the people we hurt, not us. But I am sorry that any of this ever happened to either one of us.

Yeah... me too.

[What else can he say, really? It's the honest truth.]

[The mood has gotten considerably darker than it was when he first arrived. It's to be expected given the conversation subject, of course, but he also came to cheer Billy up, not make him feel worse.

Time for a topic change, he thinks.]

Do you have any other music like the song you just played for me? I'd be interested to hear any of the other pieces based on that book.

[The topic shift is so abrupt that Billy looks momentarily startled, but he latches onto it eager, offering a grateful smile and turning back to the laptop.]

Oh, sure. There's more than just that book, too. Have you ever heard of Wicked?

[He'll just start compiling a playlist.]

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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