selfhelp | [Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

[So... he's probably delayed this long enough, even if a part of him would love to delay it indefinitely. Not only is it a month overdue, but now that he's home again and fully recovered from whatever had been affecting his mind, putting it off any further will just make things more difficult. Frightened as he is of the consequences, he won't get anywhere if he keeps hiding. It's time to apologize for the damage his spell caused, and make things right... if he can.

First, Billy seeks out those he knows personally, friends or acquaintances whom he remembers being affected or involved. Whether they're people he hasn't spoken to since the spell was in place, or people who visited him while he was possessed and halfway out of his mind, he'll try to be as thorough as possible. Teddy accompanies him from place to place, bless him, and they can be found walking hand-in-hand through the village and talking quietly, though Billy will be speaking with the people he's looking for on his own. Teddy's there for moral support, nothing more; the rest is his responsibility.

After those visits, presumably the hard part is over, but there's one thing left to do - reach out to those he couldn't find, missed, or simply doesn't know, as well as the general populace who'd probably noticed strange things going on at the time. They deserve to know about... well. To put it bluntly, the menace to society that he can be. Not that he'd give that reason out loud. Certain people would take issue with it.

They'd be wrong, but.

This time, he uses the journal network, his voice tentative, worried, and sick with guilt, and it happens later in the evening:]

...Hey... it's Billy. Um, Kaplan. I'm kind of a witch. You might not know me. Sorry if you do. ...Last month, October 1st, I was sent back from a Malnosso abduction... kind of a mess. I wasn't thinking straight, and... I cast a spell. It... it screwed with a lot of people. Badly. I don't know the full extent of the damage it caused, or how far it went, but- I do know that- people were hurt. And I know I might not be able to make things right again, either.

["Might". His hope for that one is still pretty pathetic; the forgiveness he's already received is something of a miracle to him. The day's meetings are still weighing on him, and there's an ache in his heart that refuses to go away.]

...Still. I- I need to apologize. Whether or not the Malnosso were the cause, it's still my fault. S-so I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm so...

[....]

...I'm... not going to use magic anymore. I'm done. I'm no good. At it. I mean. I- sorry. ...This won't happen again. And if you want to yell at me, or get a better explanation of what happened, or... whatever you need, I'll... be here.

Thanks. For hearing me out.

[And... that's that.]

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[ At least the significance of the day of the week doesn't catch Tony's attention. In fact, he hadn't seen Billy since - that week, and hadn't contacted him about their therapy sessions for a multitude of reasons. Maybe it was just one of those things that fell by the wayside, like so many things here did, things that didn't matter because they never knew if it would make any difference in the long run -

But the look on Pepper's face tells Tony this isn't just a social call.

Something's wrong. ]

What is it? Come on. [ God, what piece of bad news will he be hearing today? ]

[Nngh. He really, really doesn't want to do this. He almost glances back, or worse, turns tail and runs to regather his courage or something, but... he'd promised. Teddy's waiting, and Pepper's right there, and...

Well. The long and short of it is that he has no right to be running away from this. Not when it's his own fault.]

Sorry to cut in on... [He gestures vaguely at... whatever Tony's working on. He can't tell from a distance.] Are you busy? Or... can we talk? It's important.

Yeah, I kind of gathered that. [ He almost, almost quips that of course he is busy because it's him, but he can't quite summon it with the sudden alarm he's feeling.

He glances between Billy and Pepper again. Shit. What was going on? ]

Should I be sitting? Standing? Running in circles? Come on, give me some kind of lead-in here.

[Start by blasting me through the wall and we'll work backwards from there.

....

No, Kaplan, that is not the right think to say. He does sigh quietly, though, the sound heavy, drenched with reluctance and misery.]

You might... want a chair.

[If nothing else, it'll give him something to throw.

....

Don't say that, either.]

It's about... what happened last month. October 1st.

[ Shit. Tony really doesn't like where this is going - wherever it is. That doesn't stop his mind from jumping to ten possible conclusions at once. Was someone sent home? If it was Teddy, he doubted Billy would be in such a composed state. So who? Someone else on their team? Was someone hurt? Kidnapped?

And then when Billy speaks again, his thoughts zero in on what he says. October first.

He would never forget what happened October first.

The color drains from his face as he glances at Pepper once again before finding the nearest chair to settle into.

Something in his bones told him he probably wouldn't be still very long.

Mouth dry: ] What about it?

[Shit, indeed. Billy shifts uncomfortably again - he can't seem to stop - and when he speaks again, he can't look at Tony at all.]

Before it happened... the Malnosso captured Teddy and I. They... what they did, I...

[God, he wishes Teddy was here. He's not looking to be coddled, he just wishes he had the supportive presence of his loved one the way Tony does.]

They... did something. To us- to me. Boosted my powers, and... got into my head. I couldn't... control it, I...

[He really, really wishes he could leave it at that, but... but. He knows it has to be said.

I wish--

....

I can't.]

...It wasn't a shift. It was me. I did it.

[ Tony processes what Billy says easily enough. The Malnosso did what they did, took someone, messed with their head, and unleashed them back on the world. He knew that as well as anyone around here. But then came the disconnect, the words he knew he didn't hear wrong, but he couldn't compute.

Because Tony trusts Billy, perhaps more than anyone save for Pepper, and that trust was hard-won. Tony Stark wasn't one for handouts, because he'd felt the cold sting of betrayal one too many times in his lifetime. He was past the naivety that landed him in a middle-eastern war camp. He knew better than to trust people he shouldn't, to check corners, and Billy knew all his secrets because he passed that test. He was the fanboy. His therapist. His friend. Tony trusts Billy. Tony cares about Billy.

And someone he cares about couldn't have possibly devastated him so badly as this, to give him the one thing he wanted but couldn't have. A family.

His ears ring, lungs heavy as he tries to figure out if he feels sick, dizzy, speechless, or any terrible combination of those things.

That can't be right. ]

That can't be right. No - you're confused.

[Somehow, that's worse than Tony getting upset or angry with him. The disbelief that Billy could do something like that, the shock and the denial, it hurts more than anything else because he did do it, he isn't confused, and he remembers it all too well.

Which means that he betrayed a trust. Betrayed a friend. And it's as bad as how he'd tried to hurt Teddy when his magic had been out of control. It's... not something you can just apologize for and brush aside.

He hates this. God, does he ever.]

I'm not... confused. I- I really-

[I want

I wish

if I could

dammit]

...I wouldn't... say that... if I wasn't sure.

[His throat is dry, his voice cracking. The words feel like sawdust in his mouth, just making a mess of everything the more he speaks.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I never meant for... any of this, I...

Edited (bleh I double-iconned) 2013-11-17 04:46 (UTC)

[ Even as Billy insists, Tony can't believe it. It's not an issue of 'doesn't want to' or 'won't' - he really can't. But even as he singularly could not accept that fact, his mind begins to work, begins to work out the kinks. Billy was a part of that world, but he was - different. Distant, watchful. He hadn't been running around with his own make-believe family. He was making everyone else's.

But that can't be true.

That can't be true, that can't be true, that can't be true. ]

Stop it, stop it - [ His voice is cutting, and he glances to Pepper again, silently pleading for her to explain this. She always had the answers he needed. She always did, except for the one time she didn't, when his precious little girl disappeared during a game of hide-and-seek and no matter how he tried and he tried he couldn't find her, he couldn't save her, and she told him so.

He hadn't thought that could be true, either, that he could lose something so vital to him in the blink of an eye. There they were again, perhaps. It would be far from the first time that his mind would be forced to change against his will.

But Tony is stubborn, and he would fight against that for as long as he could - even if he already has the sinking sensation the the battle would be futile. ]

Look, I don't know what you're trying to do here, trying to make me feel better about it, or something - but you're wrong. You're wrong, they wouldn't send you back with that kind of power, what if you - and even if they did, how would you...

[ He doesn't know what to say next. He doesn't know what to do next, until a small and utterly pain-soaked word falls out of his mouth. ]

...Why?

[Why. The question everyone seems to be asking, the one even he can't really answer. The whole thing is so... so senseless. From start to finish. From his and Teddy's suffering to that... possession or whatever it was to the spell to this...

....

There's no "why". The answer is "because it's what they wanted" or worse, "because it's what I wanted", and in what universe would that be an okay answer to give? Offering one places the blame on the Malnosso and the other damns him forever. Much as he'd love to throw them under the bus, it was still a spell of his own making.

Not your fault, Rogue had told him, when he'd explained. But was that because of how he'd explained it, or because it was the truth? And Teddy, too... was it because they were right or because they cared enough to believe it?

He doesn't know what the right answer is. He never did. So he bows his head, taking a step back, away from where Tony stands - with Pepper now, and him across the room, like opposing sides on a battlefield and he's the enemy, the invader, she'd told him don't come here anymore - and struggles to find his voice.]

I don't... know. I've tried... I've tried to find it, the one reason that... explains it all. "I was possessed" or "the Malnosso did it" or "the magic took over" or "it's what everyone chose"... but there isn't one. Never was. They're just... excuses. And there's no excuse for this...

[It's all just noise in the face of the damage his spell caused. His spell. Not his magic, but his spell...]

[ That isn't the answer he wants. God - he doesn't know what he wants to hear, either, but that isn't it. He wants an explanation. He should demand one. His denial starts to give way to anger, even as Pepper comes to stand with him. She offered no counter-argument, which could only mean she had accepted what Billy said as truth. And if she had...

Dammit, no. No no no no no.

He grips Pepper's hand tightly - an anchor to hold him back more than anything. ]

That's not good enough. [ Now, he doesn't just feel angry - he sounds angry, too. ] You gave us the perfect life, gave us a goddamn daughter and took her away - and all you can say for yourself is 'I don't know'? That's not good enough.

[ He wants answers, he wants to know why his trust was misplaced, and he wants to know now. ]

[Anger's not a new one, nor an unexpected one, either. He takes it all in without complaint, his gaze fixed on the floor. There's no good reason for this. Nothing is ever good enough. Because nothing about this is good. That's kind of the point.

He knows the reason, though. The real reason this all happened.]

...They were hurting Teddy.

[Most of what had happened after he'd been... altered... is still unclear, but he remembers that. Bad memories on top of bad memories and the weight of them is crushing him. His gaze lifts the slightest bit, brows furrowing, lips tightening, but he still won't look at them.]

They were hurting him, and- and they put something in me, in my head, and- I watched... I watched them cut his wings off. I thought he was dead. [His voice cracks and he fights, fights to control it, because they'd wanted the truth, hadn't they?] He... was dead... and they just... sent me back.

[He looks up just a little more, at them for just a moment before his focus drops again.]

That's... why I cast the spell.

[It's not about him. Or them. It never was, really. That's the crux of it, the part that he isn't sure makes it better or worse. It was all for Teddy, and it almost killed Teddy, when Billy had thought he'd been dead all along. How does a person even get that screwed up?

"With great power comes great responsibility"? Ha.

"Absolute power corrupts absolutely". That's the quote they should be giving kids growing up. Kids like me.

It wasn't mine...

But that's not good enough, either.]

[ Tony's expression shifts abruptly, and instinctively he leans back towards Pepper. They made him think Teddy was dead, and Tony understood too well how watching the person you love be hurt could make a man do desperate, even crazy things.

But that still doesn't make it okay.

He unclenches his jaw. ]

Before you were taken - Loki told me you were experimenting with magic you shouldn't have. Is this true?

[ Would everything be different if Billy hadn't done that in the first place? Or if Tony had been able to confront him about it? ]

[Billy hesitates at that. The fight he and Loki'd had... it seems so far away, now. And all the things Loki had said back then really hit home, too little, too late. If he'd just listened, would things have been different? He didn't even think they were associated with each other.

But for Loki to have gone to Tony about it, to tell him that... and Loki wouldn't have known if they hadn't been meeting to talk about magic, so the lessons must have come to light, too...

He feels like his whole life here is unraveling right before his eyes, one strand at a time.]

...Yes... and no. It was the spell I cast to get you and Jane out of the portal, before. I wanted to try it again. Loki thought I wasn't ready for it. We... fought about it, and then I did try it anyway. And then we fought again when I told him. But the spell itself was fine, and that was a week before...

[He trails off, his eyes widening as it sinks in. A week. A single week between casting that spell, fighting with Loki, defying the advice of his own teacher, and the abduction he and Teddy had experienced. Is that why? Is that how it all started? Is that his fault too?

Oh god...]

Edited 2013-11-18 00:32 (UTC)

[ Was it fine, though? Or had it sent a red flag to the Malnosso that Billy was someone they needed to research? Tony ignores the foregone conclusion - that he's trusting Loki's word over Billy's in this instance - and can't shake the feeling the two could be related. Billy tried something dangerous, and the Malnosso wanted to see what else he could do. Ergo, the latter might not have happened without the former.

And people wonder why Tony hates magic. ]

What a mighty fine coincidence. [ But of course, he doesn't find it amusing at all. ] You just happened to ruin our lives after messing with something we didn't even understand as scientists.

[ He's mad. Oh, he's mad, but behind his words is the deep-seeded sound of hurt. ]

[So far she's listened in silence, biting her tongue even as she hears more about the cause of all of this, how it began and what might have drawn the Malnosso's attention to start, and Teddy--god, she hadn't even had a clue. It pulls her heart in different directions, and though the pain wins out she can't help but feel sorry for Billy too, at least on some level. Pity, even if she can't yet reach forgiveness.

Time. It's the answer she came up with in the art gallery, and it still holds true now. They all need time, and nothing makes that more clear than what Tony says next. As it so often does his hurt comes out as anger, and Pepper shakes her head as she tightens her grip on Tony's hand.]

Tony. [Billy's actions weren't malicious, even if they'd led to horrible places. He's lashing out, but for what cause? Billy feels guilty enough. Pepper's seen it so clearly, in how he's forced out his apologies and the shock when she forbade him from the house. There's a difference between what is necessary and what is cruel, and Tony's words won't solve anything. They won't ease his pain, or convince Billy of anything he hasn't already learned.

There's no good end to this. Not now, and Pepper looks back at Billy with clear regret in her eyes.] I think it's time for you to leave.

[Ruined our lives. He had done that, hadn't he? Changed everything. He toyed with reality and now reality's completely flipped on its head, and he doesn't like it.

This isn't what I wanted. But he can't say that, either. It had all gone horribly wrong, and intentions meant nothing, now. He'd only been trying to help. To get stronger. He'd saved lives with that first spell, saved Tony and Jane, both. Pulled them out of nowhere. It was supposed to be more than fine. Perfecting that spell should have been a good thing.

If it's what caused this, the kidnapping, that power the Malnosso had forced into him, the faked murder, the spell he'd cast... then it's just one more good thing in his life that's been taken away.

Dammit. Dammit.

He takes the anger in silence, ready to hear and accept it all- the wrath of a friend his magic - he - had betrayed. He wonders what might have been said if Pepper hadn't stopped it, and he's tempted to stay just give Tony a chance to continue. If it's what he needs, if it'll make him feel better, if it-

....

He can't, though. He knows he can't. Hearing more of that will just break him, and he's already heard enough today. He thought he could handle it, handle it all, but... he was wrong. And really- what had he expected? Hugs and crying and forgiveness and we'll get over it? No. He'd done this to give them the truth, to give them a chance to decide, full disclosure, whether or not to be associated with him anymore. Now he has his answer, and that's what he'll have to live with.

He takes a step back, then another, nodding helplessly, his eyes blurred by tears.]

I'm sorry... I'm sorry--

[It's all he can get out, all he even tries to say. It's time to leave, just like she said. He twists, half-stumbles, and rushes for the stairs. Teddy's outside. Teddy's waiting for him. He needs to get out.

And after this? After what he did? He doesn't think he'll ever be coming back here again.]

[ He doesn't argue with Pepper, and he doesn't try to stop Billy - he doesn't say a damned thing at all. He just watches him go, the boy who had been his friend, his confidante - hell, even his son once - and the author of the single greatest heartache Tony had ever gone through.

It isn't until the silence has had a chance to soak into his bones he even realizes he's trembling.

Fanboys are few and far between around here. I've got to keep the ones that I've got.

Ha. Ha, like hell. Like hell -

He turns to face Pepper, silently guiding her into his arms to hold himself together. ]

[It hurts, having Billy go. Even after she closes her eyes, Pepper can still hear the sounds of his stumbling, the tears in his voice before his steps fade into silence. One more pain layered upon all the rest, losses and betrayals and Pepper doesn't know what she'll do when the numbness holding her together now finally fades.

But she is numb, emotion forced aside because she can't deal with any of it right now. She can't think about the consequences of every word each of them has said, from Billy's guilt to Tony's anger, to her own quiet rebuke of the boy's longstanding invitation. She just can't.

Maybe she's not numb, but tired.

Either way, it's easy to go when Tony draws her in, her arms sliding around his shoulders. She can feel the way he trembles, so she holds him tightly to her, offering the one reassurance she can after all of this.]

I've got you. I'm here. [It's all they have. It's all they ever seem to have, in the end.]

[ And thank god for that. Come hell or high water, even if she goes home before him - Tony knows he doesn't have to worry about Pepper devastating him in betrayal like Billy just did.

Maybe she's the only person he really can trust.

He presses his face against her neck and breathes deeply. ]

[She stands there for as long as he needs her to, letting Tony calm himself down. Her fingers move in absent patterns, smoothing over the back of his neck, through his hair, every touch a silent echo of her words.

She's right there for him to cling to--although even that isn't as reliable as she wishes it could be.

Still, he doesn't speak of his absolute trust aloud, leaving Pepper unaware of how close they were to that dangerous line of truth. Instead she simply holds him, and listens to Tony breathe.]

[ Realistically, it probably only took a handful of minutes for his heart to stop racing and his breathing to slow, but it felt like ages longer than that considering the thoughts the pooled through Tony's head. His relationship with Billy had had its ups and downs, as Tony himself had gone from someone that Billy didn't trust at all to someone he was willing to work through Tony's deepest, darkest fears with. Drafts and shifts and portals and alternative lives. They'd been through so much together - and for what now? Now it was Tony who didn't feel like he could trust the other at all.

It would be ironic if thinking about it didn't make him sick.

He takes a step back to meet Pepper's eyes. ]

Better take the rest of the day off, don't you think?

[Her arms loosen when he starts to pull away, recognizing that sign that Tony's collected himself to feel ready to do so. Of course it isn't so simple as that one moment, those sharp breaths that eventually slow into something calmer, more normal. Still, it's better than he's done in the past, and some small part of Pepper is glad for how Tony manages to subdue the outward signs of his emotions.

The problem lies in the thoughts she knows are still echoing in his head, just as they ring through hers.]

Already on it. Your schedule's been cleared for the day. [Yes, it's been ages since Pepper's managed Tony's time in a professional capacity. But it's a safe joke under the circumstances. Also still true; she knew when she left the gallery early that she wouldn't be heading back.]

[ His mouth quirks into something almost resembling a smile - almost, and then it's gone just a moment later. ]

I can always count on you, Mrs. Potts-Stark.

[ And as long as he had that - well. They already decided they would make it through this, didn't they? He had to remember that more than ever now.

We're gonna be okay.

Eventually. Someday. ]

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[Action / Voice] House of M Follow-Up

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[ action ] .....I hate you

[ action ] lies, you love me.

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